Rules of engagement…lost in translation

I hate that I am a product of my environment. We all are. No matter how much you say you won’t do things or you will never be like that…in some small way you do. That is not to say that I don’t believe in breaking the cycle and being better because I absolutely do. I also believe there are some things that are just ingrained into us so much that we don’t even realize it.

I remember past relationships that I was in where I became part of the other person’s family and immediately realized that if they weren’t AS messed up as my family, they were running a close 2nd. Every family has their traditions. I once attended a Christmas celebration that was complete with a cross cake and ended with candles and singing happy birthday to Jesus. I am not a religious person although I respect others beliefs. I gotta tell you, nothing in this world has ever made me want to put my running shoes on and get the hell out of dodge more than that singular moment. I was engaged to this man…and I knew in my heart there was no way I could legally enter into that family. That was not the only thing that I found to be strange behavior but it topped the list. I also dated someone, who I am coincidentally still friends with, whose parents used to decorate their house every Christmas like the Grizwold’s lived there. It was a sight to see but again…a giant red flag to me. Then there was the entire immediate family of ex cons. Great people but a bit scarey non-the-less.

These may seem like small and petty differences to you but they were things that made me go hmmmm. Do people look at my dysfunctional family and think how crazy we are? Damn right they do. My parents could not be in the same room together for all of the 1980’s. They had very distinct rules of engagement. My dad was a shut down/tune out king. Once he was done, he was done and there was nothing you could do about it. My mother would stand in front of the television screaming and he would appear to be watching it right through her. Mama would say anything and everything hateful just to get his attention, which somehow always surprised her when she did and he went CRAZY on her. This went on for years. My mom was a thrower too. In fits of rage she was well known to pick up the closest, usually heaviest object, within arms reach and chuck it. Sometimes a person was the target, sometimes a place but most times I think she just wanted to fucking chuck something.

Over at my best friend Manda’s house things were way different. Her parents actually kissed each other when they came home (yuck!). They went out together and had fun because they wanted to (say what? Why?). They spoke with respect and never raised their voices. I can honestly say in 30 years of knowing them I have never heard them fight. I know they disagreed. I remember specific instances but never a raised voice or hand…ever. They are still one of the best examples of a loving couple that I think I will ever have the pleasure of knowing personally.

When I moved in with Leigh and her parents the Gramlich’s were great examples of family life and love. I had never had a family dinner without yelling, screaming, throwing and taking sides at my house. I had not seen a man support his wife in my own home. Everything at my house was a battle. But at the Gramlich’s you could feel love and acceptance all of the time. Leigh was one of the most loved children on this planet and she knew it. She used to say all of the time how grateful she was for her parents and her life. She knew what she had was good, maybe because she saw the other side of life through mine and Joan’s eyes. She always recognized and appreciated her influences and so did I.

In my past relationships the rules of engagement for fighting were established early and usually by me. I had a tendency to date weak men who let me boss them around. I am not proud of it but it is fact. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, for both of us it never worked out. I strongly believe that if it had I would have turned out just like my parents. Dating many people over a few year span made me realize how differently all people are brought up. No wonder it is hard for 2 people to become one when they have all of this baggage of right and wrong/good and evil leftover in their heads from their parents.

It is amazing to me how many things can get lost in translation. I can say one thing but Dan hears something completely different. It happens in the reverse as well so I totally get it. Dan was raised in a house with 2 extremely passive parents. I, clearly, had a different experience. There were no arguments in Dan’s house. That is all there was in mine. It was world war (insert number here) or it was a ghost town. Sometimes you would come home and wonder, “is this the calm before the storm or did I just miss the explosion?” I DO NOT want to be like my parents. In fact, I flat out refuse to give into their rules of engagement. However, I don’t think Dan’s example was a whole lot better. He will be the first to tell you that it stunted his emotional growth by never talking about things. There was no problem, therefore there was no resolution. His parents divorced after 31 years of marriage and never really talked about it. I am not doomed to repeat history. At the same time it is a son-of-a-bitch trying to break that which is the “normal” cycle to you. Thank God my “normal” was sprinkled with a little Theilig/Gramlich love!

I find that when I can calm down and come from a positive place, Dan hears me much better. Maybe the better word is listens and then understands. His family did it their way, mine did it theirs. Neither of them was right. Both situations ended in bitter divorces and lots O anger. It is one of the hardest challenges of my life to break the cycle and rewrite the rules. I recently made the connection that Dan is very much like my dad in his style of shut down/shut out until he is ready and this makes me so angry. I can see now why my mom acted like a crazy woman. I don't condone her behavior but I now know the frustration of being ignored. My dad shut down out of spite and hate and I have to remind myself that is not why Dan does it. In his house you carefully thought out and executed the sharing of your feelings. In my house you verbally vomited all that was in your head and appologized later, if neccessary. Although we both know these behaviors do not work, or certainly did not work for our parents, we continue to revert back to them in times of crisis. Relationships are so hard! I think we are on the path to understanding...finally. It is a long road to finding rules of engagement that work for both of you and then sticking to them.

I have been really down on this thought process for the past few days, maybe even weeks. I really just needed to purge it out there to the blogging world. Dan and I fight, as all couples do, and sometimes I don’t know how to solve it. Between my anger and his not understanding me, sometimes I just want to give up. I don’t really want to but you know what I mean. We have all been there. Frustrated to the max! I know we are not the first couple or the last to have this problem. My friends reiterate that to me often. The desire is there for me to change myself and I know Dan does not wish to have a relationship like the example that he grew up with. I believe that together we can make this different. We can write our own rules. 2 days ago I was about ready to give up and I realize now that it was my willingness to just accept defeat that was keeping me from seeing that there is always a resolution. There is always a new path to take. It is just a matter of continuing to navigate or try that makes the difference.

I have unloaded a lot lately on my peeps and the blog world. I want to thank you, my girls, my original loves. I don’t know what I would do without the support of all of you. I am truly blessed with so many deep and meaningful friendships. I may not see you for months but when we meet again we will pick up right were we left off…both of us feeling as if the weight of the world has been lifted off of our shoulders as we part, just from having spent that time together.. I love you all and I am so grateful to have you in my life. Happy weekend to all!