Sunday, February 21, 2010
Here is where the fun begins. Wednesday is my late day at work. My hours are 10-6. I went in at 10 and my boss was not there. He was away on City business that keeps him from doing his job and growing his business. I digress. So he strolls in around 11 and asks to talk to me. Nothing out of the ordinary, as his idea of organizing his thoughts is rambling on for hours. He starts off talking about all of the things that we have tried in this down market that have not worked. Union employees don't want to attend seminars on pre-retirement when the recent market lows will keep them years from their projected retirement date. Even if I get licensed, it will be months before I could be on the phone making calls. Basically nothing we are doing seems to be working right now. Well, ummmmm, duuuuuuuuh! This is what I have been saying for months! So then he just sits there. I am thinking he has a new idea. He is good for a few hair brained schemes a year and I was sure one was coming. Still he sat. Here is how our conversation went after he listed all of the things we have tried but are not working.
Him: So there just isn't enough work.
Me: Ok. What can we do?
Him: Well, we just don't have the contacts.
Me: Ok. What can I do?
Him: Well, you know it just isn't enough for a 3 person team.
Me: What is it you are trying to say?
Him: Well.......(loooooong pause) I am going to have to let you go.
Me: You are firing me?
Him: I am letting you go, due to lack of work.
Me: (Shock settling in) so all of this talk about 'please don't go find another job'. 'We will work something out'. 'We are good until summer'. What was all of that?
Him: I'm sorry
Me: I told you months ago we needed a new strategy and you wanted to concentrate on your city business as an alderman. I said then that I was low man on the poll and I didn't want to be out of a job. That is why I have been pushing to make something happen. You are the one that said we were fine.
Him: I'm sorry
At this point I walked out of his office. I was going to start talking about interracial dating sites, porn at work and his utter lack of drive and motivation. But then, I felt relieved. I hated him. I even blogged my hate. I don't think he found my blog but I also really don't care. He was king of the douche bags and I despised him. The rejection was the worst of it. He has always told me what a great job that I do so it was just a surprise. I mean, we clearly have not been seeing eye-to-eye lately but business-wise this was a really stupid move on his part for many reasons. The fact of the matter is that I was bored. This job was not a challenge to me in any way. It served the purpose that I needed which was a paycheck for the past year and a half but there was no room for growth, nothing to learn and he was such a tightwad that I was never going to make decent money so it was truly a blessing in disguise.
In a lot of ways I could liken it to a bad relationship and in that, there is a lesson for me. I was not happy but I kept trying; just like I did with CL. Is it that I don't like to fail at things? I don't like to be the one to throw in the towel? I mean, I have been looking for work but I would not have just quit. Why do I stay and try when I know it is in my best interest to cut loose and move on? This is something that I really need to work on for myself.
I packed up my office with a quickness and was out of there. They paid me for the week and for a few days of vacation so I have almost a full paycheck from them after having just gotten paid on Monday. With unemployment at 10% somehow that didn't feel very secure. I came directly home and filed for unemployment. I have never collected unemployment and I hope to not need it but I filed anyway. After that I started reaching out to any and all friends for leads on jobs. My friend Courtney (former co-worker) came through right away. She works for US Bank in their mortgage department and suggested that I apply months ago. She immediately called some people and got me an e-mail address to send my resume. Within 15 minutes of hitting send I got a phone call for an interview which I promptly set for 11am the next day. My friend Kari (also a former co-worker) knows a hiring manager at a collection agency. I did collections 8 years ago for almost 5 years. I didn't love it but I am not turning down a job in this economy.
Thursday morning I got a call from the collection agency. They wanted me to come in for an interview immediately. The US Bank position hires through a temp agency and my interview with them was at 11. She told me it would be 30 minutes at most so I scheduled the collection interview for 12. The first interview was only 15 minutes. She told me she had no other good candidates to send them and she was super excited when Courtney called her about me. She talked salary, start date and benefits before telling me she would be in touch soon! I had 45 minutes until my next interview which was just down the street (which is why I scheduled them so close in time) so I stopped at McD's for lunch. When I arrived for my interview at 12 they had me do personality tests first. Then I met with a woman who was super sweet. She asked all of the preset stupid interview questions and I could tell she really liked me. From there she had the 2nd in command at the company come in and talk to me. He was long winded and seemed to like to hear himself talk which is not at all uncommon in collections. By the time it was all said and done I was there 2 hours and 50 minutes! I left there at almost 3pm and I was drained. I felt extremely lucky to have not 1 but 2 interviews just one day after being laid off!
Friday morning I got a call from the collection agency first thing. They made an offer for a job. The money is more than I thought they would offer, honestly. Collections are generally base plus commission and they like to make you work for your money so they usually give you a very low base and make you work like hell for bonus. The guy who called with the offer is a friend of my old roommates. He said it is the highest salary he has offered in his history with the company. They proposed a start date of 3/8 which is 2 weeks from tomorrow. It was all so sudden that I told him I would get back to him early this week. The US Bank job pays just a bit more but there is way more room to move up. Plus, even working as a temp for 3-6 months I will get insurance within 30 days with the bank job where as it is 1 year in the collection job before benefits start. I don't want to turn down a job before I have one secured but the collection position is really my last resort. It is a very negative environment filled with alcoholics and drug addicts. With school to keep me going, I could do it but I would not love it. IF I get the US Bank job I would be working very close to home, not to mention just across the hall from Courtney who could once again be my lunch bud!
I called Courtney as soon as I got the offer. She suggested I call the temp agency and let them know I had an offer on the table and see if that motivated them. I did call and I left a message but did not hear back so Court called them herself later in the day. My resume was forwarded to the proper person at US Bank. They gave Court the woman's name and she just so happened to work just a few seats from Courtney. The woman was on vacation Friday so Court said she will talk to her first thing on Monday to find out her course of action. Word around the bank is that they have not seen 1 qualified applicant yet and this feels like it will bode well for me. I have this week to think and interview but I feel like I need to make a decision by week’s end. Hopefully tomorrow I will have more information on this US Bank gig and be able to make a more informed decision.
It is funny that I KNOW that everything happens for a reason but I still tend to freak out. Walking out of my office on Wednesday I didn't know what was in store for me. I was scared, rejected and sad. By that afternoon I was excited for new opportunities. It is true that when one door closes a window opens. I felt the universe pulling me away from that job. My last 2 blog posts were very clear about my preparation to be out of there soon. I wish it had been on my terms but that is part of the learning experience. I was unhappy months ago. I started applying for jobs back in October just before things went south with CL. In fact, you might have read this blog about my friend and me applying for the same job. THAT was Courtney, the one who is now (hopefully) helping me get on at US Bank. That very scary experience kept me from applying for more jobs. It should not have. Even after all that happened to her Court continued to look and eventually found her current job at the bank. When she told me I should apply I was still gun shy from our joint terrible experience and decided against it. I try to live life without regrets but I can't help but think that I could be a permanent employee of the bank by now. Alas, that is not how this was supposed to work out, I guess. I am still not completely sure what is in store for me but I have a feeling that it is pretty freaking fabulous!
Friday, February 12, 2010
I still hate my boss. The more I think about his ultimatum the angrier I get. When I interviewed for this job it was something completely different than what I do today. Not to mention, I was completely honest with him. I do not believe in the stock market and I have no interest in licensing! I have been MORE than accommodating to his whimsical theatrics and constant change of plans. When we spoke earlier this week I was angered by most of what he said. Today, my feelings are hurt. I have way more to offer than what he is accepting. He would rather do other things than to build this business which just so happens to be part of my job. He admits to checking out. He tells me how great I am at what I do but then he hinders the hell out of me while I try to do it.
Today was more of the same B.S. A valued friend told me that no matter what certificate or accolade I add to my resume it is more experience for me. She suggested I go for it and get my series 6 license and if nothing else use it to find another job. That theory is all good and fine except I don’t want a job in finance. Truth be told, I didn’t want this one but I needed it. Further licensing will only subject me to offers in an industry that I don’t want to be in. I don’t want money to keep me in a job I hate. Right now the main draw to getting my license is the raise that will come with it. Then there is that fear that I won't leave because of money.
The second fold of this tangled web is that I just recently went back to school. This is not something I shared with my boss, as my personal life is none of his business. Now that he is pressuring for licensing it seems necessary to tell him I have gone back to school. I am on a grant this semester and I have grant funds for summer so the earliest I could even think of my series 6 is fall. I don’t think I could carry a class load, a full time job and study for a securities license. I am talented but not that good. So IF I decided to go for the series 6, college would have to go on hold. (insert HUGE frown here!)
The absolute worst part of this entire week has been me, my attitude and my outlook. Happiness is perspective, I know this. I also know my perspective sucks! I have been feeling something that I wouldn’t admit to most of my closest friends but I am going to reveal here for all of the blogosphere to judge. I am lonely. So lonely that at times, it is palpable in the air. So lonely it hurts. So lonely that I cried alone in my car yesterday and there was no one to care or even know. I haven’t allowed myself to cry since I left CL’s house the day I had to leave Max behind. I thought if I let myself start I would just never stop. I think I may have been on to something.
I have tons of friends and great people in my life. I don’t miss CL or his games and bullshit at all. I miss the idea of having someone who cares about you. I didn’t have that with CL, which is why I say I miss the ‘idea’ of it. Why did it make me feel so good to “think” someone was there? If I could trick myself so easily back then, why can’t I now? Other long-term friendships are slipping away. There is a tremendous amount of sadness from that as well. The person that I used to talk to everyday about everything is no longer who and what they used to be. They honestly haven’t been in a really long time but this week I had the time to think about just how long that relationship has been gone and it makes me feel so low.
At the same time, there is something inside of me that KNOWS change is coming. I have been scheduling every appointment under the sun the past few weeks; dentist, GYN and anything else that will require insurance. I have clearly been preparing for a job change. It might be weeks or months away but without even knowing it, I have been planning for it. I realize I didn’t have CL or his support at any point in our relationship. That has been a huge eye opener for me. I will not accept less than what I need in the future. I feel as if this ‘out with the old’ mentality is preparation for ‘in with the new’. I am trying to break old habits and get out there to try new things with new people.
Tonight I am going to a wedding with my roomy. Tomorrow I have class and then I am going to see my sister and her wife to have some dinner and hopefully a bit of fun. Sunday I am doing Bah-fucking-humbug-Valentine’s Day with my friends Nicole and Aaron. I need to shake this serious case of the sads. Many people have it way worse than I do. Parents are losing their jobs and homes and cannot provide for their kids. That is a problem. Someone out there lost their best friend today, for real. Not just over some stupid bullshit. People are suffering all over the world and here I am being a poor-me! Pity party, table for 1…your time is up. I am off to drunken weekend debauchery in hopes of turning this frown upside down!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
When I started this job in the finance industry it was just before the fall of the stock market. I was very clear in my interview that I don't believe in the stock market and I had no interest in being licensed AT ALL. At the time, that was ok. 5 people held my position before me and NOT ONE OF THEM made it through the first 90 days. I was hired to do marketing and event coordinating. Mostly it was explained to me that I would coordinate, set-up and carry out union seminars on pre-retirement. Within months of starting that goal was in the toilet and since then we have jumped around to about 15 directions, all the while wasting time and money. A few months ago my boss comes up with the call strategy for me to call local businesses. Long story short, our compliance department says no way unless I have a license. So my boss reiterates to me for the 900th time since I started that I would make more if I were licensed. He would let me use work time to study. He is selling me on the benefits of getting a license that I have told him no less than 100 times that I am not interested in. At this point I feel like he is threatening my job.
My co-worker got her license a few years ago and got a $10,000 a year raise. She didn't want the license either and loathed every second of it. This is not an easy test. It is information about investments that I could give 2 shits about. If I have no interest, things are that much harder for me to retain. I have my property and casualty insurance license so I know firsthand. I've thought about this before. I pretty much knew he was not a man of his word and this would keep coming up. For me to take on something like this in an industry I hate, for a man I despise, to learn about something I don't believe in, I am going to need a LOT of money. I am thinking $15K a year, $7500 up front and $7500 after I pass. I loathe the idea of this but my alternative for now is the unemployment line and we all know how that is looking.
I have been super down about this whole situation recently. I had it in check for a long while. I was concentrating on school and my future. I was grateful to have a job, yada, yada, ya. Now this fucker wants to meet with me daily and I can't stand more than 5 minutes with him. He is one of these super distracted types, ADD and then some. He can't complete a thought, let alone a sentence. He does a lot of repeating as well as "Uuuuummmm", "Uuuuuuuuuu", "duuuuuuuh". I have no patience for it. Absolutely none! He got frustrated yesterday because he didn't like what I was saying (I was simply telling him what I learned from compliance) so he yelled at me. If we have ever met IRL you know I don't take kindly to yelling. I did raise my voice and make myself super clear. Then I gently brought the conversation back around letting him know how inappropriate he was. I said a little prayer after this that the universe would open up new opportunities for me and allow me a way out.
I have been casually looking for jobs (on work time). I would love to find something in my field of study so I can be working towards a common goal with work and school. This morning my sister e-mailed me this from her HR director:
The firm is seeking a Client Care Representative to join the team. If you know someone who has customer service experience, a passion for working with people, strong phone and computer skills who may be interested in this position, please contact me. Thanks!
Her headline said, "Everything happens for a reason". Of course I sent her my resume within minutes. I don't want to get my hopes up but that is right up my alley. She works for one of the biggest divorce firms in St. Louis and I want to be a child advocate in divorces so that is at least a step in the right direction! I am eternally grateful that the universe is showing me there are options. (Thanks to you too, Sissy!)This might not be my job but it gives me renewed hope that there is one out there for me. It makes me less stressed about my current boss and his douchebaggery. My plan is to push off this whole licensing idea for as long as possible. Then, if I have to, I will tell him my conditions. I don't think he will go for a $15K a year raise but if he does I guess I will start my studies. Let's all pray to the Baby Jesus (or whomever you believe in) that I find another job before:
A) I am forced to study for something I don't want or need and won't use after this job
B)I become violent and offensive to the stupid fuck who signs my checks.
I guess I will add:
C) or the dumb fucker finds my blog and fires me.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Aaron rented Soldier's Girl (I posted a clip at the end of this post) from Netflix. My gay husband, Matt, who is a friend of both Aaron and myself, actually suggested that I watch this movie about a year ago when I house sat for him. He assured me I would love it but I never made it around to watching it. The film is a true story based in Fort Cambell, Kentucky on the military base. Aaron was a military man prior to coming out and was based at Fort Cambell so the story immediately struck a cord with him. At first, I could tell it was fun for him to see the places and things that he had done way back when. He said he had heard about a young gay man being beaten severely with a baseball bat prior to his coming to base. That story made him even more afraid of his comrades finding him out and he remained deep in the closet during his time on base. I have seen photos of him during his time at Fort Cambell and even my gaydar would not have sounded.
The movie started out easy enough. The main character is a straight man, Barry Winchell, who is doing his basic training at Fort Cambell. Barry goes out one night, at the urging of his friends, to a bar and meets a male-to-female transgendered performer named Calpernia Addams. The 2 began dating immediately. Barry has a roommate that questions his own sexuality while being disgusted with Barry for doing the same. The roommate starts to spread rumors, Barry is ridiculed on base and questioned by sargents. This is not a happy, feel-good ending wrapped up in 2 hours or less. Let's just say that Aaron's story of that poor boy who was beaten is explained when you see Soldier's Girl. Barry Winchell was that boy and he was not just beaten but beaten to death. We discovered after having watched the movie and seeing the dates and outcome at the end that Aaron was there when this horrible crime took place. He could have been Barry Winchell.
bigot (to protect the guilty hater): i dont like the idea of a gay guy next to me in combat
me: I am not sure I understand why being a gay man has anything to do with saving a life or protecting a country. I say if (bigot name here) doesn't like the idea of going in with gay back-up then go in alone. It's your choice. And I hate to tell ya but gay men (and women) have been surving our military for years (all the while hiding who they are). They can get shot at protecting our country and the right of others to hate and degrade them but they can't and don't have the same RIGHTS that the rest of us do. It is a sick society when one person feels good to bring another down just because of what they do in their own bedroom. Homophobia is a disgusting and ugly trait born out of fear and ignorance.
bigot: well they belong in the chow hall cooking my food or behind a desk. its against my religion an i dont agree with it
me: I hope you don't ever have to live the experience of having someone close to you, whom you love very deeply, encounter the type of bigotry and hate that you are willing to opening display on the internet. Please don't use a loving God as your pulpit for hate. (I actually made this my FB headline for the day!)
At this point, little bigot's friend (our mutual FB friend) said: oh wow this is getting a little heated...the whole point in debate is the fact that people believe in diff things... just because we dont believe in the same things doesnt mean hes wrong that is his opinion (Did I mention she has a gay sister serving in our military?)
me: It is like the saying; What Would Jesus Do? I feel it is a disrespect to a loving God to use him as an excuse to hate. I have a gay sister, you have a gay sister, your Aunt Robin has a gay daughter. I think when your own family is hated on it makes you see more clearly. I was simply cautioning (bigot) on USING God and abusing others in his good name. I wish all the best for (poor little bigot) and I truly hope he never has to witness his own hate being taken out on his family or friends. I woudln't wish that upon my worst enemy. It hurts more than he will ever understand.
Now the bigot of the day didn't respond and clearly his friend felt the need to defend him but not her sister. Maybe I was over the line. I was a gay defender before my sister came out. I was loving Matt and Aaron and had my very own gay following by the time she told me she was gay so I hate it when people say the that my gay sister is the reason I love the gays so. It is just NOT true. I believe things happen for a reason. This correspondence with the little bigot happened just HOURS before I saw Soldier's Girl. I had just witnessed out and out bigotry displayed openly on the internet for all to see. This boy had no shame in his opinion and that is a problem for me. As you can imagine I was completely fired up by the movie's end. Aaron was visibly devastated by the story and the closeness to home, if you will. He didn't sleep that night much and has brought it up to me a few times since then.
Here is a link to Soldier's Girl:
Click here if you would like to see what happened to the animals that did this to Barry. I caution you, it was not enough.
I am off to write the president...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I remember the first time that I read The Diary of Anne Frank. I was about the same age as Anne when she was in hiding and it had an amazing impact on me. I had no idea of the oppression of Jewish people until I read her diary. I reread it in high school and I found even more of a connection to Anne. I was amazed at her ability to tell a story so honestly. She didn’t seem to harbor hate or animosity, she was just telling her own tale. I sometimes felt like a thief in the night reading her inner most thoughts. She speaks of enlightening others and bringing awareness and understanding so I can’t help but think she knew exactly what she was doing.
In 2005 I visited Amsterdam and the home of The Secret Annex where Anne and her family hid for 2 years and 2 months. I knew as soon as the trip was planned that I would see Anne’s hiding spot. On the long plane ride to Amsterdam, I reread Anne’s diary for the first time as an adult. More things stood out to me this time than my first 2 reads. Perhaps it was because I knew I was on my way to see all of the things that she explained but I felt such a connection to her descriptions and words.
On the day that I visited the house I had a very calming sense of peace all morning. I walked the few miles from our hotel to the Annex. As I approached the line outside of Anne’s hideout, which is now a museum, I felt the universe open up. My senses were on high-alert and I was in awe. As I began our tour of the house I flashed back to the book and Anne’s amazing descriptions. This stairwell must have been where Anne laid out in the open the night the house was robbed and they thought they had been found. This is the parlor where the carried warm water to take a bath. At every step and every turn, everything was as Anne described it. As we rounded the corner, I saw the bookcase which camouflaged the secret passageway to the attic, and I could hear Anne’s words as I walked on. Entering the narrow stairwell one could not help but think that this is where history was made.
Anne’s room, which she describes as adorn with celebrity photos, is still as she left it. There is glass covering the walls to preserve the photos but everything remains the same, right down to the heavy blinds to block people from seeing in. The kitchen, where the 2 families gathered to eat and discuss their situation, was a powerful place. Heavy decisions were made there but there was also such a sense of peace. It was small place for the amount of people in hiding there. Peter’s room in the attic was closed off due to unsafe conditions but as I stood at the base of the stairwell to his room I had the most amazing feeling in the world. I looked out the window to the right and there was the clock tower that Anne frequently speaks of in her diary. I am not sure what it was about that specific spot but I felt like Anne Frank was right there beside me saying “see, it is just like I described it, isn’t it?” I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I was standing where Anne Frank stood. At that moment the clock tower tolled and my warm, peaceful feeling went deeper within.
The next room held Anne’s diary; the original diary her father gave her for her 13th birthday just before they went into hiding. Shelly Winters Oscar from the 1959 movie is displayed in the house as well. Perhaps the hardest part of the journey for me was the final room of the Anne Frank House. It follows and details the final days of the concentration camp for Anne and her family. There are graphic images, audio tapes and written accounts from people who were imprisoned with the Frank family. It is heartbreaking to know that Anne died of typhus just days before the war was over and everyone was free. I can’t image the pain of her father reading his daughters heart-felt words after her death or the strength that it took for him to share not only her words but her life with the world. I am so grateful to him for doing so. Anne’s words have been translated into 67 languages and sold more than 31 million copies. The Diary of Anne Frank and visiting The Secret Annex are both experiences that I will never forget.
I just turned this paper in on Saturday so I should have a grade back at my next class. I will keep you posted.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Here is my essay in it's entirety:
Leigh was an amazing person who gave all of herself to everything she did. She brought together many friends, from different walks of life, and she somehow managed to make us see our similarities and appreciate our differences. She was a wise young woman, well beyond her 20 years. I look back now and I am amazed at the knowledge that she had. She taught me so much about love, life and family. Leigh was the glue that held us together in life and she continues to do so after her death.
The reason I would want to be her for a day is simple, we would all be able to see the person that she became. I lived with Leigh and her parents in high school so I became very close with her and her family. I know that each birthday I celebrate is a milestone her parents will not have with their daughter. Her mom has actually said to me before on my birthday, “I wonder where Leigh would be at this age” or “I wonder what Leigh would look like if she were here today”. I think we all wonder the same things: What would she have done for a living? Would she be married by now? Would she have beautiful blond haired, sparkling blue eyed little girls just like her? Would her passion for life still be as strong as it was the day we lost her?
If I were able to give her mom the opportunity to hold her daughter again it would feel like giving the gift of a lifetime. I know it would be the gift of her lifetime. If Leigh’s friends could see her smiling face, take one more trip to the mall, have one more serious talk about life or just sit with her and feel her presence they would trade anything in this world. Just one day with her, one day to say all that we couldn’t say 10 years ago.
Leigh knew that we loved her; I have no doubt about that. I know she is up in Heaven today listening as I compose this. She is touched by my words, my love of her parents, my continued connection to her friends and my need to keep her memory alive. She is probably wishing she could make this wish come true for everyone as much as I do. She sends her love in a way, even today, that I can feel her sitting next to me. She is letting me know that she never went anywhere. She is with each of us always, in our thoughts, our dreams and our fantastic memories of her. The only thing I do know is that if Leigh were here today she would still be my very best friend and soul sister to the end.
I got a 99%! She took points off because I capitalized the 'E' in earth (which I still feel should be capilized)! Whatevs, it was a good start. I read my 2nd essay aloud to the class this past Saturday. The assignment was to write about a place that had such an impact on you that you can close your eyes and take yourself back there. We were to describe it in detail physically and emotionally. The first 2 girls read about clubs and detailed liquor and dancing. I thought I was way off base for the assignment until I started to read my essay and I noticed everyone was paying attention. My teacher and all of my classmates gave great feedback so I am pretty sure I did ok on that one too! As soon as I have my grade I will post that for you too. Oh, hell...I will post it today!
Here is Aaron Carter, taking it off for the No H8 Campaign
Sunday, February 7, 2010
About 11 o'clock I hit up the bathroom. The 2 overly drunken, under couthed women sitting next to me were about to get an elbow to the eye. I was also strongly considering just letting my cigarette tip a bit too far back and burning some hair. Who wants to deal with burnt hair smell in a bar though? It would really have compromised my vodka and Red Bull at that point. So Nicole and I decided it was time to hit the dance floor (which you've hopefully read about already). I went to hit the bathroom first and I was joined by some genius natives from the town I grew up in. Girl 1 was in the stall and girl 2 entered as I was hovering over the toilet.
Girl 2: (pushing girl 1's stall door open)"Come on bitch, it's a party"
Girl 1: "You whore. I mean it, you filthy fucking whore" (drunken giggles and stumbling)
(I exit my stall and girl 2 just realizes that I am in there)
Girl 2: "I'm really sorry you had to hear that"
Me: "um, that's ok"
Girl 1: (exiting stall in her bachelorette tiara) "Why do stupid people (pot, the kettle is on the phone for you) keep telling me happy birthday like I JUST turned 21? I mean, that was like a century ago" (never did she mention the most obvious sign it was not her birthday, the BACHELORETTE tiara!
Girl 2: "It's only been half a century" (drunken giggles)
Girl 1: (utterly confused) "Wait, how long is a century?"
Girl 2: "It's like 10 years or something" and then, catching my side-eye she says to me, "That's not right is it?"
Me: "No, 10 years is called a de-cade" (speaking slow for slow minds) "A century is 1 hun-dred years" (I almost said, 'say it with me now' but that wouldn't have even been fun because they probably would have.
Girl 1 & 2 in unison: "Wow, haha"
(I open the door to exit)
Girl 2: "I am so glad you were here. We never would have figured that out"
Oh, I have no doubt about that and you don't know how glad I am that I didn't miss that.
I saw the 2 girls numerous times the rest of the night. They clearly thought I was Einstein after that. Compared to them, I guess I am.
Anyhoo, after 9 (yes, 9!) bumping-in-to's from one of the girls in this twosome, Nicole and I decided to hit the dancefloor. I called out my token gay almost instantly. I told Nicole I would bend him over before the night was through and I did. Then there was this hottie with an accent. I am still not sure where he was from but he could move to a beat so I singled him out. He kept me entertained for a while but I always grow weary. He was with a group of young, foreign boys who did not think they could dance. What fun I had showing them that they could! And most of them really could move. The others, well, it would be fun to teach them. But, I digress.
Nicole and I decided to pack it in before the bar closed to avoid the drunken rush. As we were exiting the bar there was a girl on the ground just outside of the bar. I can't leave a woman down so I asked if she needed help. Her very drunk friend did get the message across that help was on the way. By the time this poor guy arrived, one lone soldier, Little Miss was passed the fuck out. I helped her friend heave her up and tote her to the car. I fell into the backseat with her and as she sat on my legs, I slid her into the vehicle. Nicole, my fearless single gal, did not miss a beat. By the time I slid myself to the other side of the car with drunk girl on my legs, Nicole had the other door open to let me out. We accepted thanks, waved good bye and we were on our way.
Even as I write this some of the events of tonight are hazy. I know I had fun. I danced with a boy from some foreign land with fantastic skills and I am pretty sure we saved at least one drunken fool from planting face-first into the cobblestone. Ahhhh, the nights as a single gal. I almost forgot how entertaining they were!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Since the dissolve of the relationship with CL a few months back there have been even more changes. I moved out of his house and had/have much excitement for my future. I did not get the support that I needed from some of the people in my life so it was my job to seek it out and I did. I found some amazing people to help me through as I always do. I settled into my new place, started school and got the focus back on me. During that time my dad has pulled away and I cannot fathom why. It is as if he is angry or upset but won’t say why. We used to be very close and despite the fact that he is a womanizing prick, he is still my dad. The only dad this girl is going to get. For the past few months I have reached out in numerous ways to my dad. I haven’t seen him since Christmas and he was completely fake then. Prior to that, I saw him for a late Thanksgiving celebration. He did send me a lovely text message for my birthday. What a guy, huh?
This weekend he is having a Superbowl party. He was invited (via text) a few weeks ago. Dad’s parties consist of his Corrections Officer friends (he is a CO), cops and neighbors. I am usually the bartender and everyone’s all around bitch. Normally I go and work my ass off but this year I just don’t feel like it. I know he will be awkward as we have not spoken since Christmas and he was very awkward then. Ferg (my roomie) is having a party at our house. My friend Brooke is having a celebration at her house. I decided this week that I would much rather do either of those things than be a servant to my dad and his friends. I am to a point now that I am tired of being the bigger person up on this high road. I don’t even want to put myself out there anymore. I call to stop by and he makes excuses. I call the house and both of their cell phones and no one calls back. I am not going to beg the bastard to be my dad. He hasn’t spoken to my sister for most of her life. Maybe I just got lumped in? I used to think I was special. I was daddy’s little girl. So much for that, I guess. If I don’t keep putting myself out there he can’t keep shitting on me, right? I feel like he should say something if he is upset, which he clearly is and I am tired of playing his games. He is acting like a child. The relationship is clearly adrift.
Then there are the old friendships. My oldest friend, Manda, has been with me my ENTIRE life. We played in our crib, she pushed me in my walker (she is 6 months older) and we grew up much like sisters. We are polar opposites but also very much the same. Our lives have little, if anything, in common at this point. I work in a yuppie industry in corporate America and she is a stay-at-home mama that lives in a mountain oasis in Colorado. We have always managed, no matter where life takes us, to make each other a priority in our lives. That is the case with most of my friends, hence the long relationships.
Lately I have realized that some of my friendships are just as adrift, if not more so, as my relationship with dear old dad. We just have absolutely nothing in common anymore. We have held on to the past for years. Our old common interests just don’t apply anymore. Our lives are headed in totally separate directions. So why is it that I can maintain this 30 year friendship but not the shorter ones? The common thread with Manda and I is mutual respect. I respect her more than anyone in this world. I am actually looking for a male version of her to date and eventually marry. I love that we are opposites and I embrace our differences. Manda does not judge me or my life and she never has.
I have other friends that I feel nothing BUT judgment from. These are the folks that made what should have been the happiest time in my life with CL (and it was, despite them and their hate) very difficult. They judge me left and right. They talk about me constantly behind my back. They have not been there for me in a very long time. I have had issues with some of these same friends judging me in the past. So why do I hold on? Is it the past that I can’t let go of? Do I hope that in the future they will morph into who they used to be? That is not a good friend either. That does not promote growth. Maybe we have simply grown apart. Some of these relationships are with people that I have tried to let go in the past. Some of them I should have seen the signs years ago and walked away. Someone who constantly brings you down is not a friend. Seeing someone every few months for a few awkward hours does not a friend make. It is like a bad relationship that you hold onto because of the past good memories. You almost will that person be to who they used to be to you.
Unfortunately, the time has come to let go. I am extremely heavy hearted about this situation but I know in the end it is the best thing for me. I am not cutting people out of my life. I am just finally accepting that it is what it is. It is not what it used to be. I cannot continue to spend my energy on them. I must let them drift on or away…whatever they choose.
I should note that in place of these few people in life that occasionally bring me down; many new people have appeared or reappeared to build me up. Perhaps having that positive influence made me see the negative more clearly. I have many wonderful people in my life so I will not dwell on the “few bad apples”. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my life the way it is now. I want to surround myself with like-minded people to share in new experiences together. The fact that my dad does not know I have gone back to school does not affect my ability or drive to do so. Receiving nothing but negative words and feedback from someone you once considered a dear friend is a sign that you need to let go. Either that person (or persons) is unhappy with themselves or they are unhappy with me. Either way, I am not interested. I am done playing games and begging for interaction with people who don’t seem to care for me. I am good enough. I deserve it. I should expect people to treat me with love and respect. Anything less will no longer be tolerated!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The few short term, mostly sexual, encounters that I did have were with people that I knew really well. One person in particular I know for a fact I only slept with a 2nd time to avoid making it a one-night stand but I had known him for over 10 years! Thinking back on that makes me think that I have some sort of inner issue with the one-nighter. My problem with getting my head around that theory is the absolute pride and joy that I take from hearing of my girls being able to go out and get them some with no regrets or bad self image. I encourage them! Keep in mind I was raised by a pig of a man who said all women were sluts at some point or another. Perhaps daddy dearest has something to do with this too. The one and only person I have had sex with once, and only once, was a dear friend whom I had very deep feelings for at the time, so I can’t count that either.
To me a one-night stand is meeting a stranger, taking them home to savage them and sending them on their way in the morning. Why can’t I get my head around this and just do it? I love Sex and the City and I celebrate their conquests, why not my own? Well, for one thing I have that whole “emotional connection” thing. I somehow got it into my head that if I am not emotionally connected in some way, the sex will be no good. Perhaps I think I will feel cheap, dirty or used? I think my bigger issue is that I have never done it so I can’t see the other side of the coin, the greener grass, if you will. See, with a one-night stand there is no worry about satisfying the other person. There is no pressure to impress. There is nothing but taking care of you. I can do that!
Some of you may remember this post a few months ago about my emotional connection to a friend. I think back on that night and it was completely my decision to keep that “cuddle session” strictly platonic. My first one-night stand can’t be with someone I know and actually like as a person, can it? How would you keep it to one night when you know and see someone that much? More importantly, why did I think it over so much instead of just DOING it? It is not like he wouldn’t respect me later. I would certainly have no problems respecting myself. In fact, I think I might have respected myself more! Why the hesitation? I am single, STD free and well over the age of consent. What is my problem? What if it wasn’t even a one-night stand and actually could have become a nice fuck-buddy arrangement? I mean, shit, what is my problem?
These last few months I have really contemplated this subject. I know it seems stupid but I can’t go another year or more with just me and my vibrator. This time around single is different, maybe because I am older and wiser. I know what I want for the most part and I definitely know what I won’t settle for. I am concentrated on making decisions focusing on myself and my future. I know that when the time is right, and once I am completely happy with every aspect of me and my life on my own, the right person will come along to truly enhance my life. Until then, who do I do? I am not much of a drinker so meeting people in bars is no good. I don’t really want to take some crazy home anyway. I pride myself on being a good judge of character but you can never be too careful when your va-jay-jay is involved. I just don’t know where to turn. How do I break myself of this terrible curse? I know if I posted some sort of plea that the offers would come rolling in. Perhaps I should just call Mr. Cuddles and get it over with. I don’t know what to do. I am pretty sure the next time opportunity presents itself I am going to POUNCE on it though;-)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
So I am on my way home that night trying to relax with my thoughts when the "Aspen Diet" comment will not leave me. Aspen diet? What is Aspen known for? That is simple...skiing! What do you ski on? Again, simple-Simon, SNOW. What drug is universally refered to as snow, ski, powder, candy? Cocaine! (Can you see the light come on too?)I almost wrecked my car. Keep in mind I have known this particular boy a very long time and this was very unexpected.
I was in the process of thinking about how I was going to discuss this issue with him when I find out that another (very old) friend has a problem of their own. Of course, to them is it not a problem. If you can't pay your rent, put gas in your car or feed your kid but you can afford coke, no problem, right? You are doing it everyday or every other day and you are giving up the necessities of your life to buy it but that isn't a problem, right? Is it not a problem then until you sniff one too many lines and land yourself in the hospital, or better yet, the morgue?
A very good friend recently had to do an intervention with a family member who was doing herione. We are talking about a young adult, mid 20's, who has the world at their finger tips. The entire world and this person chooses a tiny pill that if taken too close to the last one can, and will, kill a person. This family was lucky and their loved one did not fight them. They admitted the problem and asked for help. I don't know many addicts who are strong enough to do that. I keep him in my thoughts daily.
The economy sucks. People are out of work and in debt up to their eyeballs. Is that why so many are turning to illegal and harmful drugs? I am no Pollyanna. If you know me in life, you know that I am no where near prude. I will admit, I have done cocaine. I am one of the few, the proud and the lucky that does not like it. The taste is horrible and I hate the way it makes me feel. Who wants to snort and grind all night for a "high"? I am personally more of a naturalist, if you will. If it comes from the earth, I am good with it. If I know it has been cut with Ajax, Drano and Meth...not so much for me. Drug dealers "cut" cocaine with the cheapest and most effective thing they can find. Keep that in mind. In high school many of the rich kids that I went to school with were hooked on coke. It was such a disgusting habit. They became disgusting people to me and I eventually skipped any gathering that I knew their crew would attend. It wasn't until I was well into my 20's and a regular on the gay bar scene that I had my first experience with coke. I could do 1 line and be good for the night. I don't need anymore alcohol but you might have to pry me off of the stage or out of the cage in order to leave. I never felt that pull to do more and I always hated myself the next day as it gave me horrible sinus pain.
For this reason, I don't understand the addictive properties that others experience. After I left my ex fiance he dabbled in coke pretty regularly. He got many of my friends at the time hooked on the shit. I remember going back to our old house after I had moved out, for a party. About 5 minutes after I arriced I realized it was just me and 1 other girl in the livingroom. Everyone else had piled into the bedroom. It used to be my house and my room so I went busting in. There before me one of my very best friends was cutting up lines for the room full of people. I grabbed my shit and tried to bolt but they all (including the ex) stopped me. It wasn't the time or place but I let them all have it about how irresponsible and ridiculous they were being. I told them I was pissed but it was none of my business. I assured them I would not be back to that house and if they continued on the road they were on I would not be seeing them anymore either. I know for a fact that 1 person in that room never touched coke again after that. Eventually they all cleaned themselves up. Well, I can't speak for the ex but my friends did.
I am sickened, saddened and repulsed by this Aspen Diet situation. The boys from my first example will no longer return my calls and requests to hang out. Perhaps someone has tipped them off that I am onto them. I had a theory about my 2nd example the "old friend". I thought that rock bottom needed to be met in order to get them help. After seeing this person and hanging out I realize that rock bottom will include a jail, a hospital or a morgue. Perhaps all 3 before it is said and done. I almost feel like these folks are trying to kill themselves in a slow painful death. Unfortunately this is not my first time at the Aspen Diet Rodeo. I have lived with people with addictions before. I did not see it until it was too late. I will NEVER miss the signs again. I am alert, I am present and I have got to do something.
8 years ago my friend, Jason, died of a heroine overdose. He was a childhood friend who lost his way. We were friends up until a few months before he died. We didn't talk anymore because of the people he hung out with and the needles he insisted on sticking in his arm, chasing that original high. I never tried to stop him or even confronted him about it, I just didn't hang out anymore. The guilt that I felt at watching his parents at his funeral say "if we had only known" and "if someone would have just told us what was going on". They might have been able to save Jason and they might not have. After living through that experience I will never again gamble with the life of a friend. I guess I am off to plan a few interventions. Wish me luck.
Last week I finally got my snail mail letter informing me that they viewed my transcript from 13 years ago when I took 1 class while going to high school. I took psychology and I was really hoping they would let me use it, as it is required for my major. I took it in both high school and college already. Alas, they are going to give me credit for it. Now that they had signed off I could finally get my financial aid straightened out. I was freaking out because when I filed for my Financial Aid extension I had to give them my bank info incase financial aid did not come through. They were set to take half of my tuition this Friday so that was a major stress. I went up to school after work yesterday. My grant will cover all of my tuition!!!!! AND I will get a few hundred dollars back. PLUS I do have grant funds for the summer semester that will go to waste if not used. I love the idea of summer classes as they are accelerated like my comp classes and therefore will be over much sooner. I am going to take as many classes as I can while it is free. Next semester I will have to reapply and although I don't make much, it is probably too much for another grant. I am grateful for what I can get and I will do loans for the rest. It was such a relief to have this all worked out. It is a confusing process that I am just beginning to understand. I got my parking pass and had my photo taken for my student ID. I feel so official now!
My current job is nowhere near the field I want to be in. I really want to get into the criminal justice arena so I can couple my experience with schooling and get myself a kick-ass job when I graduate (or before). I am not super busy at work so I am able to do homework and study there. Again, I am grateful for what I have but it also feels so stagnant. I am in no hurry but I have been looking into positions in my field. Yesterday there was an ad for an admin assistant at a private investigating firm. I have tons of admin experience and I would love to be learning something new that pertains to my field of study. The income is about the same so it wouldn't hurt me to check it out. Like I said, I am in no hurry and extremely grateful for what I have but I am envisioning myself with the job, man and life that I want. For now I am dancing to the beat of my own drum and I like the way it sounds;-)