Friday, February 5, 2010

A drift

Change has been in the air and all around me for some time now. It started way back when I met CL a few years back. Many of my friends were not happy with our union and instead of voicing their opinions and moving on they chose to be cowardly about it. There was a lot of bullshit, bickering, backstabbing, bitchiness that I tried to look beyond. I have recently realized that the people who bring me down, beat me down and want to do nothing but keep me down serve absolutely no purpose in my life. These people did not want to be part of my life with CL for their own reasons and therefore missed out on a very happy time in my life. I am not sure I will ever forgive that.

Since the dissolve of the relationship with CL a few months back there have been even more changes. I moved out of his house and had/have much excitement for my future. I did not get the support that I needed from some of the people in my life so it was my job to seek it out and I did. I found some amazing people to help me through as I always do. I settled into my new place, started school and got the focus back on me. During that time my dad has pulled away and I cannot fathom why. It is as if he is angry or upset but won’t say why. We used to be very close and despite the fact that he is a womanizing prick, he is still my dad. The only dad this girl is going to get. For the past few months I have reached out in numerous ways to my dad. I haven’t seen him since Christmas and he was completely fake then. Prior to that, I saw him for a late Thanksgiving celebration. He did send me a lovely text message for my birthday. What a guy, huh?

This weekend he is having a Superbowl party. He was invited (via text) a few weeks ago. Dad’s parties consist of his Corrections Officer friends (he is a CO), cops and neighbors. I am usually the bartender and everyone’s all around bitch. Normally I go and work my ass off but this year I just don’t feel like it. I know he will be awkward as we have not spoken since Christmas and he was very awkward then. Ferg (my roomie) is having a party at our house. My friend Brooke is having a celebration at her house. I decided this week that I would much rather do either of those things than be a servant to my dad and his friends. I am to a point now that I am tired of being the bigger person up on this high road. I don’t even want to put myself out there anymore. I call to stop by and he makes excuses. I call the house and both of their cell phones and no one calls back. I am not going to beg the bastard to be my dad. He hasn’t spoken to my sister for most of her life. Maybe I just got lumped in? I used to think I was special. I was daddy’s little girl. So much for that, I guess. If I don’t keep putting myself out there he can’t keep shitting on me, right? I feel like he should say something if he is upset, which he clearly is and I am tired of playing his games. He is acting like a child. The relationship is clearly adrift.

Then there are the old friendships. My oldest friend, Manda, has been with me my ENTIRE life. We played in our crib, she pushed me in my walker (she is 6 months older) and we grew up much like sisters. We are polar opposites but also very much the same. Our lives have little, if anything, in common at this point. I work in a yuppie industry in corporate America and she is a stay-at-home mama that lives in a mountain oasis in Colorado. We have always managed, no matter where life takes us, to make each other a priority in our lives. That is the case with most of my friends, hence the long relationships.

Lately I have realized that some of my friendships are just as adrift, if not more so, as my relationship with dear old dad. We just have absolutely nothing in common anymore. We have held on to the past for years. Our old common interests just don’t apply anymore. Our lives are headed in totally separate directions. So why is it that I can maintain this 30 year friendship but not the shorter ones? The common thread with Manda and I is mutual respect. I respect her more than anyone in this world. I am actually looking for a male version of her to date and eventually marry. I love that we are opposites and I embrace our differences. Manda does not judge me or my life and she never has.

I have other friends that I feel nothing BUT judgment from. These are the folks that made what should have been the happiest time in my life with CL (and it was, despite them and their hate) very difficult. They judge me left and right. They talk about me constantly behind my back. They have not been there for me in a very long time. I have had issues with some of these same friends judging me in the past. So why do I hold on? Is it the past that I can’t let go of? Do I hope that in the future they will morph into who they used to be? That is not a good friend either. That does not promote growth. Maybe we have simply grown apart. Some of these relationships are with people that I have tried to let go in the past. Some of them I should have seen the signs years ago and walked away. Someone who constantly brings you down is not a friend. Seeing someone every few months for a few awkward hours does not a friend make. It is like a bad relationship that you hold onto because of the past good memories. You almost will that person be to who they used to be to you.

Unfortunately, the time has come to let go. I am extremely heavy hearted about this situation but I know in the end it is the best thing for me. I am not cutting people out of my life. I am just finally accepting that it is what it is. It is not what it used to be. I cannot continue to spend my energy on them. I must let them drift on or away…whatever they choose.

I should note that in place of these few people in life that occasionally bring me down; many new people have appeared or reappeared to build me up. Perhaps having that positive influence made me see the negative more clearly. I have many wonderful people in my life so I will not dwell on the “few bad apples”. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my life the way it is now. I want to surround myself with like-minded people to share in new experiences together. The fact that my dad does not know I have gone back to school does not affect my ability or drive to do so. Receiving nothing but negative words and feedback from someone you once considered a dear friend is a sign that you need to let go. Either that person (or persons) is unhappy with themselves or they are unhappy with me. Either way, I am not interested. I am done playing games and begging for interaction with people who don’t seem to care for me. I am good enough. I deserve it. I should expect people to treat me with love and respect. Anything less will no longer be tolerated!


  1. I think your desire to hold on shows your dedication to the friendships, and how good of a friend YOU are. Some friends will come and go, you and Manda have made a decision to be in each other's lives forever, regardless of which direction you both choose to go. You are in that way very much like sisters. Those friendships are few and far between, so hold on to that one! Your dad's is too. I think you should show up and call him out. If he avoids it and avoids you, that's his unfortunate loss. Maybe your step mom can give you some are weird, it could have absolutely nothing to do with you!

  2. Amen, sister! Once you realize that you deserve the very best people in your life, it's easier to drop the assholes. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. And honestly, I still have to weed my garden every once in a while!