Thursday, December 31, 2009

“Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”~Oprah Winfrey

I am looking forward to the New Year as well as the possibilities and challenges that lie ahead. I feel like it truly is a fresh start. Last year at this time I was almost 1 month into the heartbreak of my life. Even though I said a lot of great things, the fact of the matter is, my heart was destroyed. I feel like I am in a completely different place now. Most of my anger at CL and the situation have passed. I recognize his inability to deal with his own feelings and life therefore I see how impossible it was for him to deal with mine. I am not making excuses or saying that it was ok but I was not getting what I needed and instead of walking away I pushed for more and better until I got nothing at all. I don’t regret the way I handled the situation and I know it all worked out as it was meant to. I really am in such a different place than I was just 1 short year ago.

I am not making resolutions so much as setting goals and/or establishing my needs and wants publicly today. My horoscope warned me to: Be careful that you don't write anything, on paper or electronically, that you would not be willing to let the world see. Of course that automatically made me think of my blog and the whopping 14 readers that I have. Maybe there are some secret spies out there. Who knows? I created this blog for me so I am going to keep writing the truth until someone sues or I am struck dead.

Some of my goals are carried over from last year but there are new ones on the horizon as well. Here goes…

I want to try new things. I don’t want to be scared or have doubt but just have the guts to grab opportunity wherever it is presented and roll with it.

I want to believe that I deserve all that I am asking for. I want to be able to not only visualize myself with the things that I want but I want to feel them in my hands and know they will come.

I want to learn to play the guitar. I have wanted to do this for my entire life. I always say that I have no natural talents but I have never really taken lessons or tried at anything so maybe that is why.

I want to get my own place. I want to live alone again! I want it to be affordable, cozy and quaint. I would love a 1 bedroom house. I would really like a fenced in yard for Bo on a peaceful little street conveniently located close to everything.

I want to work out my career direction for the future and make that my main focus of 2010. I finally feel ready to learn and further myself in life. I am anxious to get started but I want to know that I am on the right path. I want guidance in finding the right way.

I want to be true to myself in every aspect of my life in 2010 and beyond. I feel like I have learned so much about me recently. I am getting to know and love myself more every day. That is the relationship that I plan to foster most in 2010. One is never alone when they love themselves, they are there for themselves and they support themselves. That is something I really need to get back to in the coming year. I want to fall in love with me again so eventually someone else can too!

I want to become more in line with my spiritual self in the coming year as well. I have gotten so much guidance and positive feedback recently from my spirit guides. Listening to them; or the voice that is within me is the best way to stay in line with my own wants and needs. I want to give myself more quiet time to reflect and meditate on my life and decisions.

I want to start a journal again. In the past, I have always kept a journal but I stopped during my long single period before Dan. I didn’t have much to report other than drinking and mayhem so there didn’t seem a point. I find a journal is a good way to reflect back on your own thoughts and feelings. It really helps me to get to the root of things.

I want to spend more time outdoors this year, preferably for that beach vacation I have been dreaming of. I would like to hike, camp and fish because being in nature makes me feel more a part of the flow of the universe. I would like to visit my best friend at her mountain oasis and spend time in her environment doing what she likes.

I want to open myself up to new opportunities and people, even new ideas or ways of life. I want to learn about different cultures. I would love to travel to other countries.
I want to find a way to give back. Volunteering and helping others always makes me feel good about myself. I have spent a good part of the last year feeling very sorry for myself while others have been much worse off. I appreciate what I have and I want to share that with others in some way in the coming year.

I want to practice gratitude every day. I want to know, believe and accept that the universe is abundant and will provide for me. I want the focus, drive and determination that will be required of me this year. I want confidence in myself and the future. I want health, happiness, good fortune and love to shine down on all of those who are a part of my life in any way.

Tonight my best friend is in town from Colorado with her husband, son and brother. Our families will mesh together to ring in the new year at her parent’s house. It will be: my mom and her husband, my sister and her wife and perhaps even my dad and his wife. That could be blog worthy material right there considering my dad and sister haven’t spoken in years. My 2nd family (my BFF’s family) will all be there too, minus her sister who had a baby 2 days ago via c-section. A few friends will be joining us as well as my old roomie. I am really looking forward to a chill New Years and an even more chill weekend. Hopefully the internet at home will be up and running today so I can take some pics and blog about my new space this weekend. I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years!

Peace and Love,
Little T

"New Years Eve, Where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive" Jay Leno

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.~James Agate

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.~Eric Zorn

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Way back Wednesday- Jack in the Crack and my breadbox

My new house is in a great location. I am 15 minutes from everywhere. When you live in a relatively large town with many highways and lots of traffic that says a lot! I am getting used to my new “hood” as I call it. I have never lived in this part of my city before so it is an adjustment. I am not much of a fast food eater but lately I have been more into settling than cooking so I tend to pick up something quick. I have a McDonalds (of course. Who doesn’t?), Arby’s, Lions Choice (for you non-St. Louis folks this is the best roast beef in town, sorry Arby’s) and last but not least…Jack in the Crack. I call it this for 2 reasons:

1. I wish not to get sued when my blog is rich and famous.
2. I mostly think it tastes like something pulled out of someone’s crack.

I have never really had a bad experience with Jack in the Crack food. I just don’t particularly like anything on their menu but it is not horrible to the point that I can’t eat it. So last night I am driving home, thinking of food and what to eat. When I passed JITC and considered it (why?), I was no longer hungry. I was actually a little annoyed and I went home without getting food despite my hunger pains.

This got me to thinking, why such a strong aversion to JITC? When I left my ex-fiancé I moved into a studio apartment that was right next to JITC. I called this apartment my breadbox as it was size comparable. My window and the drive thru to JITC were literally 10 feet from each other at most. JITC is 24 hour here so at all hours of the night I would have drunken idiots trying to order their food at about 50 octaves higher than necessary. I remember lying on my couch (I had no bed and therefore slept on my couch) thinking I would just throw up if another person ordered jalapeno poppers at 4am. And God forbid the nights the speaker was broken or an idiot was working drive-thru and had the speaker volume up way too loud! Sometimes you could hear the drunken stupor in their voice as they ordered. One guy got out and fought the sign one night (the sign won). In the entire time I lived there I never once ate at the JITC despite the stone’s-throw-distance and I have never eaten there again since. I guess that explains my aversion. It’s not the food so much as my past trauma. Ha, who knew?

Now I am thinking about that crazy studio apartment. It was my very first time living absolutely by myself and I loved it. I was 21 years old and free as a bird! I had my 9 foot green velour couch courtesy of my friend’s parents. I had a TV and stand and maybe a small table but that was it. I stored jeans in my oven and socks in the cabinets. I had a beaded curtain that I loved. I am not sure where that thing made off to but I would love to have it for my current space;-) It was small and stuffy but it was mine. The small space actually made it nice because you can’t really be a packrat with no where to put things. I eventually moved to a bigger apartment by myself and then in with my old roomie, Sarah. Those times on my own were probably the best of my life. That got me to thinking how great it will be in a few months when I have money saved and my confidence is high and I am ready for my own place again!

Looking back, it seems a decent trade; all of those good times living on my own AND I never have to eat Jack in the Crack again! Next time I will be sure to check my surroundings before I put money down on a place. I like my food too much to make that same mistake twice.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

From the great beyond

I have been on a search in the last few weeks to work out some things within myself. I have applied for and been accepted to school. I got financial aid and was even awarded a Pell Grant. For some reason I was still dragging my feet signing up for classes. Deep down I was dealing with some doubts about myself and I knew it. It is no secret that I have been avoiding my own future for some time now.

For Christmas this year my mom got my sister and I a massage from a good friend of our family as our gift. She doesn’t just do a massage but also a reading. I wouldn’t call it psychic as she actually communicates with your spirit guides and translates for you. I have seen her many times before. The first time, one of my dearest friends who passed away in 2000, came to visit. Jenny (the masseuse) described what she looked like to a T. I did not confirm that I knew this person so she went on. “She is showing herself dancing in a field of daisies”. Daisies were Leigh’s favorite flower, Gerbera daisies. I still confirmed nothing. “Now she is standing in front of a big beautiful grey brick home with a very small dog”. That was her parent’s house where we had lived together and the puppy they had gotten her for her last Christmas. Needless to say after that visit and many others, I truly believe everything that transpires in my massages with Jenny.

This past Sunday was to be our massage day. I met my mom and sister for lunch first. As I was driving there I invited anyone who wanted to come (from spirit world) to talk to me to be there with Jenny and I. I told them (the air, the spirits and my fellow partners in traffic) that I needed guidance. I wanted people to come through who had good advice and clear minds to help me. I kept that thought in my mind all through lunch. I never know if I am going to get Leigh, my dead grandparents, my old crotchety Aunt Louise or some random spirit guide but I was excited for this experience more so than I have ever been before I think.

My mom went first and my sister and I walked around the U City Loop. We got coffee and had a good talk so I was already relaxed going into my massage. Right away Jenny started talking about many changes that have taken place in my life already and also those that will take place very soon. She is speaking for my spirit guide, telling me a lot of what is going on in my own head; my doubts about myself and my insecurities. They brought up my past relationship and how it was very one-sided. I was not true to myself and I did get what I needed. That was my lesson, to never settle again. Relationships should not be my focus right now as the one I am meant to be with is out there and we will eventually find each other and it will be everything I dream of. I truly believe that but for now , they say, I need to take care of myself. That is exactly what I had been feeling despite the pressures from others to get back out there. I have no problem dating but I need to work out myself fully before I take on another relationship. That was good confirmation and I am not going to lie, it made me feel good to know there is someone out there for me. So while he is busy I guess I will go ahead and make something of myself.

The direction of the conversation ultimately turns to my goals and what I want out of life. I explain that I have enrolled in school, which I am sure they already know but for the sake of an open conversation with my spirit guides I shared that information. I told you of my doubts and insecurities which I thought were about me and even my ability. My spirit guide did not discourage me from going to school and even made a point to say “I am not telling you not to do this but to think about what you really want before you do.” So we (my spirit guides and I) had a very candid conversation about what makes me feel happy and fulfilled. My plan for school was a court reporting program to do closed captioning and stenography. I wanted a career that would pay the bills and I would not have to worry about job stability anymore. Plus I love court room drama so it seemed a good fit when my sister recommended it a while back. What I did not think about is that flexibility has always been on the top of my priority list for a job. There is no flexibility in courtrooms. I would be stuck until the end with no bathroom breaks until someone else says so. This is a valid point considering my stomach issues. Plus, as my guide pointed out, it would not feed my need to help others.

I have always wanted to work with kids or old people and I have said that for years. Immediately my spirit guides turned me away from the elderly. They told me that my reason for wanting to do that was my love of spending time with my Aunt Louise when she was alive and that is true. My spirit guides assured me that not all old people are like her and I would grow very impatient quickly. Do these people know me or what? My spirit guide suggested that I work with teens (I always thought that would be my focus) perhaps as a court room advocate for children. I felt like someone had knocked me over the head! Finally something that sounded exactly like what I am looking for. I would have flexibility, I would be helping others and making a difference in their lives AND it uses my life experience which is the best part of it all for me. I always felt like I went through all that I went through as a kid to help others. This would be a way to make that happen. I wish someone had been an advocate for me at many points in my life. So my guide and I talked about how to make this happen, down to the steps that I need to take. It felt so right it was unbelievable.

They also told me that a huge part of my problem is believing. I have all of the positive thoughts and mantras but when it comes down to it, I don’t back it up. I don’t throw caution to the wind because I am very conservative. I was raised that there was never enough whether it be food, money or love there wasn’t enough to go around. The universe is abundant and I know that but I don’t believe in it enough to let the process flow; meaning that I stop myself from the final steps because of doubt that it can truly happen. My guides asked me what one immediate need or want I had and to share it with them. I said I wanted to go to the beach. I need to go to the beach. I have been feeling the pull as I posted about earlier this month. In the back of my mind I don’t have enough vacation or money. But to believe it will happen and continue to ask for it can gravitationally pull it towards me through the universe if I believe. It doesn't matter if I have the money or time now because the universe will provide all of that. I am working really hard on believing from now on. I guess you could call it having faith. A beach vacation would really help me along in the process though;-)

That was pretty much the majority of my massage. My maternal grandmother did visit to say she is happy that my sister and I are getting long again. She does not foresee us having any more times out of each other’s lives as we have both grown up so much. The very end of my massage was a bit disturbing and I guess I only post it here for myself and to be true to what was said. My guide told me there is a problem with my dad’s lungs. They normally don’t tell you bad things so Jenny was determined to get to the root of why they shared that information. Apparently I have the closest relationship to my dad that he has ever had with anyone. If anyone could convince him to check it out (which they tell me would greatly improve his chances) it would be me. If he does nothing, his health will decline quickly. My relationship with Pops has not been the greatest lately. I know how he would take to my saying “hey, my spirit guide thinks you should check out your lungs” so I am unsure how I will proceed with that information. I will say something for sure. Probably to my step mom as she has met Jenny and gotten a massage and I think she will take it much more seriously than my dad. The spirits have foreshadowed events to me before and they were right on so I don’t take this lightly.

This week I am doing a lot of thinking, reflecting and meditating. I am going to school Monday to talk to them about changing programs and then after the first of the year I might start looking for a new job that would be more in the field that I want to be in if not just volunteer. I feel relieved to have put together a very tiny piece of this massive puzzle that is my life. Onward and upward I go.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Man Candy Monday- For God and the gays

This week's Man Candy Monday is a big gay tribute. The people I have chosen this week were 2 of the most influential singers/songwriters of the year AND both happened to be huge influences in the gay community as well.

This week I give you Adam Mitchell Lambert!

He won American Idol in May of this year.
Then he made history when he (insert Gay gasp here) made out with a male guitarist on stage!
He pushes the envelope.
And within 6 months of fame, came out as a gay man at his very young age.
Not that we needed an anouncement.
I love that he performs on the edge.
And has his own style.
He doesn't care what critics say.
He is who he is and makes no excuses for that.
I couldn't pass up this gem.
AND he's hot!
Even in drag...
Or simply dressed as a rockstar.
He seems very genuine.
I love that he makes no apologies for who he is or what he does.
Clearly he has a sense of humor.
And he cleans up nicely.
But mostly he's a diva.
And I love that.

It takes balls sometimes to step outside of the normal and be yourself.
Or a more feminine version of yourself.
But still be goofy and fun.Amist all of the chaos of life.
My choice for lovely lady lesbian licks this week has so many of those same qualities. She is not affraid to be herself and seems to thrive on being different.
I give you Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta or as we all affectionately refer to her LADY GAGA!
Like our man candy, this little lady is young at just 23 years old.
Her success came as a songwriter at first until Akon discovered her vocal talents.
Did I mention that she has a style all her own?
She reminds me of Madonna in the early years.
And sooooo sexy!
A close-up on that.

Livin' on the edge...
She started out doing burlesque shows until her music career took off.
Oh, and don't forget she's a gay icon "In the music industry there's still a tremendous amount of accommodation of homophobia. So I'm taking a stand," she commented
"The turning point for me was the gay community. I've got so many gay fans and they're so loyal to me and they really lifted me up. They'll always stand by me and I'll always stand by them. It's not an easy thing to create a fanbase."
When presented with an award last year she ended her acceptance speech with: "This is for God and the gays".
She is one of the top selling new artists of all time.
Her song Poker Face talks about her bisexuality and the face she puts on for the men who think she is as into them as women.
She looks like Shera here. She says she changed her dark hair blond to avoid Amy Winehouse comparisons.
She really is a very beautiful woman under all of that getup.
With quite a body on her, if I do say so myself.
My all-time favorite GaGa outfit from Haus of GaGa.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Christmas Story

Warning: If you have strong religious convictions you may want to skip this post. I do not mean to offend anyone and I hope that I don’t but I intend to be completely honest in my recount of this story and my feelings on the subject.

It was the winter of 1996. I had been dating my now ex-fiancé for 8 months, we had lived together for 6 months and were engaged after just 2 short months. The fiancé, we will call Boy Wonder or BW for short, was from a pretty religious family which I knew already from having experienced hours worth of prayer at Easter. It is not shocking to me then that upon arrival to BW’s mother’s home for Christmas we find a homemade cake in the shape of a cross. I think nothing of this at the time. I was not raised in a religious household by any means. My best friend’s family was pretty devoutly catholic in our youth so I was familiar with some religious customs. I also had a few very devout Mormon friends whom I had attended church with so I wasn’t totally out of the loop.

The holiday started off as strangely as any other with this family. To say that they were quirky is a bit of an understatement. We had a nice family meal that night and just enjoyed the company. Well, I tried. There were aunts and uncles from out of town and many young children to keep us entertained.
BW’s mother comes bounding down the stairs with the cross shaped cake now loaded down with candles. The whole family quietly gathers around, the candles are lit and they bust out into a boisterous rendition of Happy Birthday to Jesus right there in front of me. As I look around the room I realize that I am the only one not singing. My shock has frozen every muscle in my body. This is clearly a family tradition for them that no one thought twice about. For me it seemed rather cult-like and scary.

I know that everyone says Jesus is the reason for the season. Even the most religious people (if not especially them) must realize that in the story Jesus was actually born in the summer. This is where you want to stop if you have strong feelings on religion but kept reading after my previous warning. I believe the bible is a story. It is a good story about people doing good deeds but it is a story, non-the-less. If it makes people live better lives or be better to each other that is great but to take it so literally baffles me. How do intelligent, free-thinking adults reason that this Jesus character actually existed, let alone died on the cross for our sins? How do they not see the story and many interpretations as a sign that God/Jesus/Allah, whomever you believe in, is within us all. It is not an outside source or a person to seek out in life. It is a peaceful, serene and loving existence within. That is God/Jesus/Allah to me.

I try not to judge others for their beliefs but sometimes one cannot be helped. Everything in me that day wanted to put on my running shoes and get the hell out of dodge. I knew I could never marry into a family with those traditions. It might seem petty and small to some but it is not something I believe in therefore not something I am comfortable in participating in. I know many people of many different origins and beliefs. I am always interested to hear about their customs but I had never been expected (invited, yes) to participate. I understand it was their tradition, their family and their right to carry out this ritual but I knew that day I would never marry this man. Alas, I spent the next 3 years with him. Each Christmas became harder. His mother was never pleased we lived together in sin. She always wanted us to set a date for a wedding despite her distaste for me. In the end, we split after almost 4 years total together.

The irony to the story is that he met, knocked up and married a stripper within months of our break-up. I have often wondered what Mommy Dearest thinks of that. Better yet I wonder if wifey does her own rendition of Happy Birthday to Jesus in her naughty elf outfit and CFM’s (think Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President). Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall of that holiday hoopla today!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Wordless Wednesday- Levi in PlayGirl


This is a kid after my own heart here! I love a good drunken crossdresser, ask anyone.

Things that make me go, hmmmm...

This just made me laugh out loud and I thought it blog worthy. I do not hide my absolute distaste for Sarah Palin so nothing tickles me more than a gay man mocking her. I think RuPaul might do a better job at being Sarah Palin than the crackpot herself! This little gem I actually took with my own camera. Your eyes are not deceiving you, that is really a limo parked in someone's front yard. This is in the neighborhood of a very good friend of mine who is not anything like her neighbors.
Another view of it because I could not resist. It is literally in their front yard!
This lady was at a local watering hole last night. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt that her attire was due to working as one of Santa's elves all day in a department store (hence the need to immediately belly up to the bar). After watching her interactions at the bar for just a split second one could plainly see that she thought she was hot and was planning to score big. My sister the lesbian actually saw her first. I sure did just all out take a picture. I figured if she went in public dressed like that the least I could do was point and whisper like she wanted.
This final picture came to me via e-mail and pretty much sums up how I am feeling about the holiday season this year.

Merry Christmikuh to everyone and to all a stiff drink!