“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”

I believe the universe is a very powerful thing. I believe in negative and positive energy and karma. I have experienced all of these things with such distinction that I don’t just think they exist, I know. There have been very few times in my life that I have asked for a sign that things are on the right path. When I do, I need feedback and most of the time…I get it. This time was no exception.

This past Saturday was the funeral for one of Dan’s co-workers. Last week was a doozie on death for us. The dirt nap theory was in full affect. If you haven’t heard of this phenomenon before, basically the theory goes that when one person connected to you dies, there are 2 more to come. It is really a very negative, doom-and-gloom attitude if you ask me but no one did. So Dan’s co-worker goes into the hospital with an infection on Monday and they diagnose pneumonia. He died 12 hours later at the age of 42. My sister’s wife’s step-mother (did you follow that?) was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and she died last Tuesday at the age of 43. Then I talked to my friend Brandi later in the week and she tells me that her 45 year old cousin also died on Tuesday. His heart just exploded in his chest. That is 3 in 1 week which I personally have not experienced before and hope never again to. On top of that they were all 45 and under.

Back to my original reason for posting though, so I arrive at the St. Charles Memorial Gardens about 20 minutes early. Dan is on the honor guard so I knew he won’t really have time to chat and he wouldn’t be able to sit with me so I was in no hurry to sit down in the chapel. Since I had a few minutes I went to visit Leigh’s gravesite which is conveniently located at the front of the memorial gardens. For some reason ever since Leigh died when I go to her gravesite I always lay down with her. Maybe it comes from years of living together and sharing a bed. I don’t know but I feel enormous peace when I lay down next to her and gaze up between the 2 trees that shade her spot. I am a frequent cemetery visitor and I am known to blast Bob Marley or Whitney Houston if the mood strikes me. So this particular Saturday morning, I went about my usual activities. I clean off her headstone which is a beautiful gold butterfly. There were grass clippings all over the place, including but not limited to, the flowers and décor. If you knew Leigh, you know that even her gravesite must have flair. So I lay down in my spot and look up between the trees and just kind of let go of the past few weeks. My doubt, insecurity, self-pity and anger had to be put down and I knew it. I rarely do this but I asked her for a sign. I know that I am on the right path but everyone has a certain amount of doubt, even if just a tiny morsel. I had doubted myself for a minute so I had to rethink the decisions I made and allow my self to consider the possibility that I made a wrong turn. So I put it out there to Leigh that I could really use a sign. In the past when I have done this (only twice) both times I have not only gotten my sign but an incredible feeling of, how do I describe this?, it’s peace but more. Definitely love but…heavenly maybe? I will call it my perfect feeling, like all is right with the world. As soon as the request came out of my mouth I started my inner dialog about not expecting things and not to be disappointed if I didn’t get what I was looking for. At that moment, I am not kidding you; a huge rainbow appeared between the 2 trees in my perfect view. A freaking rainbow! I mean if that was not my sign I don’t know what else could have been! And again that feeling of all being right with the world really helps. I sent a big fat thank you to the heavens and went to find a seat.

I endured what was a very sad funeral by my self. Dan had to stand on the sidelines with the rest of the honor guard. We walked to the gravesite, the hearse, an ambulance, 75 uniform personnel, then a fire truck and then the 100+ attendees of the funeral behind that. I am sure it was an amazing site. Dan was on the flag folding team. I can’t imagine folding a flag that drapes my friends’ casket and the feeling both honor and sadness. After Dan’s duties as flag folder where done he was standing off by himself about 15 feet from me so I worked my way over to stand with him. Here is tiny little me in a sea of blue uniforms. I normally do terribly at funerals, even of people I do not know. I was very proud of myself and I know most of it was the surge of strength that my girl had just recharged but I made it until the very end without falling apart. I felt like I really needed to be there for Dan and I was actually able to do that so I was happy. My downfall did come eventually. Since I felt the pain of it, I will pass it along to you too.

There is a distinct siren that sounds at the ambulance house when they have an emergency call. They brought a St. Charles County Ambulance District radio out to the gravesite which was back by the lake at the memorial gardens. On the opposite side of the lake working ambulance personnel who were not currently out on calls had parked their ambulances and were observing the service from a far incase they got a call and had to go. So they sound the alarm like there is a call and then over the entire county system the dispatcher announces a final call for him; listing his date of birth and death along with years of service to the county. Now I made it through the funeral music. I made it through the march to the gravesite. I watched my boyfriend fold his friends’ flag and even endured the bag pipes but the final call was too much. You could hear it not only from the radio but also from the ambulances that were parked across the lake. It was a moment of honor for sure but being in the sea of blue made it worse. Grown, strong men just completely breaking.

After the service Dan wanted to have lunch but he had some duties to accomplish first. I sat with Leigh while he did his work. Her gravesite is literally just outside of the chapel door and sits right by the road. As everyone walked back from the back of the cemetery they had to pass by. Many of Dan’s co-workers stopped to say hello and seemed at first a bit surprised that I had just copped a squat next to a grave. I then felt the need to introduce. I said, “This is my friend, Leigh”. It happened only once with a group of about 7 medics. It was a cloudy and overcast day but as soon as I said “this is my friend, Leigh” the clouds parted and the sun busted down on us. It was like a 2nd sign that I didn’t ask for. I have always said that Leigh was a ray of light. Her headstone says, Our Streak of Joy. Either way, I got my answer and both of those feelings wrapped into one.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true”-----Lyman Frank Baum