Friday, June 19, 2009

I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming. ~Homer Simpson

Homo-sani (homo sandwich)

When I decided to take time out of “The Game”, the dating game that is, I was afraid that I would want for male interaction and attention. I used to say, “If I could just find someone to curl up on the couch and watch a movie with me, I’d be happy”. When I first started working at Culpepper’s (AKA: Hell-on-earth) there was this bitch that started right around the same time as me. I say bitch because I have never seen a man throw so much attitude in my life. He made me laugh to the point of crying and never let me down when I needed to hear someone get bitch-slapped with words. This bitch was more caddy, outrageous and downright over-the-top than I was and I fucking loved him. And so that is the story of how I met my husband. We slowly moved from co-workers, to client/hairdresser to husband and wife. Originally, he was my gay boyfriend. We went out almost every weekend and got crazy wild. I was tired of straight bars and straight boys trying to stick it up my booty when I danced. The Mr. showed me that while a gay man may hump me on the dance floor, the last thing he wants is his junk near my no-no. For years this is how we did. He did my hair in his mama’s kitchen sink, we danced and got crazy on the weekends and we gossiped like school girls through out the week. I was his date and he was mine to any weddings or other stupid occasions where a plus 1 was required. His grandmother actually commented once at his cousin’s wedding that maybe he wasn’t gay after all. Maybe we would get married one day. Even hubby’s mama laughed at that. Needless to say we were nice and settled into our relationship. Before a wedding once, I took off my panties in his car so I could put on panty hose. I will never forget how he clung to the driver side door saying “Oh my God, it’s open in my car”, like my va jay jay was a can of tuna. Another time I got wasted beyond drunk and he told me he wanted me to sleep between he and his ex, who wanted to come home with us. I complied. That was the night I tried to pee in his oven and he will never let me live it down. We have broken the law together…ok, many laws and made it through some serious family drama and friend drama. We met each others friends and family and became a part of one another’s lives. Even my daddy loves my gay hubby. So how did he go from my gay boyfriend to my gay husband you ask?

(The one and only Anastacia Beaverhausen)

Well, along came Anastacia Beaverhausen. Hubby and I were both working at Culp’s as a 2nd job. He was still in hair school, I was a big bad bill collector at the CS of I. We worked harder than most of the people who were working this as their primary gig. We were kind of snobs in dealing with those folks because frankly, they sucked and we didn’t have time for them. So along comes Anastacia; and behold, we have found our 3rd musketeer. From day one, I loved this bitch with my whole heart. I feared at first that my first bitch and my 2nd would hate each other, which commonly happens with my gays. But alas, there was instant love between the 2 of them as well. We immediately clicked. Ana is a dancer and one of the only people in this lifetime that can truly hold up against me in a cage dancing showdown. Tried and true, my friends. This bitch has what it takes. So we go out clubbing pretty much every weekend and Ana and I frequently end up in the cage. Hubby is left to hang with his buds, which is ok but I sense his feeling left out. I am not sure when it really happened but one day we were all sitting around at work and I said something about my gay boyfriends and hubby pipes up that he used to be the only one. As I extended my circle of gays, I also extended my love to new men. I can see he is upset and being a Sex and the City fan, I realized why:

“I'd been so preoccupied by my gay boyfriend, I kept forgetting about my gay husband.”-----Carrie Bradshaw.

Right then and there I asked hubby if he’d like to be my gay husband. No ceremony, no rings just a couple of shots and a lot of love sealed that deal.

(Just married!)

So we went on like this for years, partying and having a great time. Slowly we started to get older and the weekends out became less and less. Every weekend used to be a gay weekend out for me, now I have to book them in advance. Hubby bought a house, boyfriend settled into being an adult as well. It was hard to handle for us all at first. We do date nights at restaurants now and dinners at home. I guess I finally did get my someone to curl up and watch a movie with.

(My 3 favorite boys, hubs face is like "whatever new guy, this bitch is ours!")

Sometimes hubby, gay boyfriend and I will go months without seeing each other now. Although neither of those bitches are ever far from my heart. I will never forget the love, comfort and support that they provided when I needed it most and still to this day. Either of them could call me in the middle of the night for anything and I would be there. Last year Ana and I took our usual trip down to the Tower Grove Park to enjoy the annual Gay Pride festivities as we do every year (it is our tradition together, hubby is not a fan of crowds, heat or people, lol). I started to miss hubby and I called to see where he was and homegirl was AT HOME. I said “you better get your queer little ass down here right now or I am revoking your homo card the next time I see you”. Revoking of the homo card is a threat I use often and it usually gets attention immediately. So bitch (hubby) acts like it’s nothing but a G thing and hangs up; well I must have put the fear of Richard Simons in her because not half an hour later bitch is calling me talking about “I’m at the park entrance, where are you?” Yeah, I still go it. We had a blast…just me and my gays. I have frequently thought of writing a book about our experiences. They truly are some of the best of my life. I am really just waiting for my sister to pass the bar exam so I can find out how legally liable we are if I divulge our secrets:-)

So thinking back on the past always makes me think of the future, if I ever get married 2 of my bridesmaids will be men. The dress will be optional for them. My kids, if I ever pop them out, will have Guncles (gay uncles) for life. I will always have these 2 fantastic people with whom I can share my thoughts, my feelings and my life. More than anything though I will have a daily example of what it means to live as your true self, to be genuine to you and to not let anyone take that away from you. I find these boys to be a huge inspriation to my life. When I think of them it makes my glass half full, even if it is empty.

I feel like I have been seeing life lately out of a very small key hole. Once I opened the door the abundance was so much easier to see. I am a lucky girl. I am loved and I have so much love to give. I know there will be hard times and obsticles in life. As long as I have my gay’s, my girls and myself…life will always be full. This month is gay pride month. To me it should also be gay awareness. Everyone knows a gay, weather you are related, you work together or you just see some flambouyant tart on the street. These hearts are goldmines of love and acceptance. The world is missing out by trying to suppress something that is so beautiful. I believe that in my lifetime gay people will truly have equal rights. I am not just talking about marriage. I mean:

The right to insurance for partners and children
The right to adopt
The right to visit your partner in the hospital and have rights over their care
The right to own your home, should your partner die
The right to raise your children, should your partner die
The right to work in any state and not be fired for your sexual orientation
The right to walk out on the street AS WHO YOU ARE and not fear for your life
The right to tax benefits and options that straight couples have
The right to be who you are
The right to wear glitter, rainbows, feather boa’s, make-up, dresses and stilettos

Expect another Big Gay Post before Pride weekend, which coincidentally is June 27th and 28th. You can visit: for more information.

(Hub's b-day this year)

(Dean and I with cream puff, no pun intended)

("I smell nipples")

(Gay Pride 2008 Ka-ka-ka-kaaaaa)

(Random hot fireman, another good reason to attend Pride, shirtless hotties!)

(He loves these shoes. Would have bouht them for himself if they were his size.)

(Random gay night)



  1. Your gay boyfriend is beautiful. And your gay husband is too cute for words. You are a lucky, lucky girl.

  2. What a great post. My cousin committed suicide because he was gay. He was in the military and we think that his sexual orientation was discovered and it was too much for him. I knew he was gay long before he did. It saddens me so that he felt like he could not live the way he was born. His family would have never rejected him, but apparently the suppression he felt could not be overcome. My hope is that all young men and women grow up knowing that it is okay to be who you are, and making equal rights for all people is the only way to help people stop feeling like society sees them as different.

  3. Love it! How come I have never met any of these guys anyway?! Are you hoarding them all for yourself?