Men are from Mars...

While having a bit of food and lots more drink on Friday with some girlfriends I was relieved to find that I am not the only one that does not understand the male species. Many people from my past would tell you that I am a man-hater. I actually just received that insult again recently from someone who didn’t know me years ago and still does not know me today. I am going back 30 years to find the root of this issue and you all know how I feel about blaming your parents at 30 so please understand that is not what this is about.

As a child, my mother could not depend on my father. Her response to this was to condition her children to NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN. I can’t tell you how many countless times she told us to depend on ourselves and ourselves alone because you cannot ever trust a man. He will disappoint you every time if you give him the chance. You can see how I earned the title of man-hater at a young age. I witnessed my father’s infidelity as well as his lack of concern for his family just as much as she did. I saw that we sacrificed so his needs could be met, just as she accused. Admittedly, he was not a good role model for fatherhood or being a good husband.

For many years I did live by my mother’s philosophy. I never truly gave my most serious relationships a chance because I never put my trust into them. I remember trying to put myself out there very few times and each time being disappointed, just like my mom said I would be. My years of being single by choice arose from the need to shed the scars of my past to move on to a future that I wanted. I did not wish to never trust in or believe in any man. I did not want to live the rest of my life with her anger. I don’t blame my mom, I know she did what she felt was best at the time. I understand that she did truly believe what she said and she just may still be angry enough to mean it today. She thought she was doing my sister and me a favor but letting us in on a secret that it took her years to learn.

So this past Friday, the girls and I were discussing over dinner how communication between the sexes is so hard. Why are men so sensitive? Why can’t they take any sort of criticism without becoming defensive and rude at times? Why can’t we just vent to them as we can to our girls without them feeling like they need to “fix it”? Why is it that we can say specifically what we need and still not get it? Why do they feel the need to shut down to deal with their feelings? I have been reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus off and on since moving in with Dan. I am not going to lie; there have been many times recently that being a lesbian makes perfect sense to me. At least you are speaking the same language from the same fucking planet!

It is funny that I didn’t know 2 of the girls at the table until that night but we all just fell in line immediately. We could relate and we wanted to hear one another. There was a support in this circle of women that I have not felt in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends that I vent to daily but there is something about gathering a group of women, some great friends, some good and a few who don’t know each other at all and have such an open and honest discussion. We had a few new mommies, a few experienced moms and a few non-mommies. My struggle of just having moved in with Dan and adjusting to that was just as accepted and talked about as their 2 am feedings and what diapers to use. It was so nice to be heard and to hear others that feel the same as you do.

Robin Gramlich told Leigh and I years ago something that will stick with me forever; she said you can marry the man of your dreams and have everything your heart desires but you will always need your girlfriends. They will be there when your husband can’t (like when he chooses to run away like a big FAT sissy). They will pick you up when you are down and hear you when you just need someone to listen. She told us to always value our girlfriends and the bonds that we have built with them. Your husband/boyfriend/significant other can never replace your bestest girlfriends. She was right. A true friend will be there for you to listen and help you understand. If that cannot be done, she will buy the drinks and drive you home. LOL! Thanks to all of my girls! You know who you are;-)

Just to clarify, I do not hate men. I never did. I did not have the greatest example of what a husband and father should be. I don’t want to sound as if I am bashing my dad either. I am a daddy’s girl and I know he also did the best that he could. I can only hope in the future that my best is better than theirs was. I hope that I choose a man who is a true example of what a husband and father should be. I can sure look at some of my friends husbands and take notes on the qualities that I do like (very few that I don’t like but important to note as well). I can look at my friend’s fathers also as a great example. Paul Gramlich, Ed Gittemeier and Paul Theilig are just a few examples of excellent husbands and fathers that I have had the pleasure of having in my life. I am so grateful for them and their influence. Grateful that they have shown me that not all men turn out the way my momma said.

Happy Monday to all!

A few quotable quotes from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

John Gray Author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus