Serenity NOW

This week has been a rough one. I am feeling the pressure now more than ever with my mounting debt and lack of income to cover it. I have been contemplating the 2nd job to pay debt vs. schooling to eventually make more money and be able to support my life. School costs money, even with grants, and money is a huge part of my issue right now. I have decided on the 2nd job route and will still continue to research schooling and see what I think. It is so frustrating to not have any clue what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I wonder if I will grow up or if I will work meaningless jobs for the rest of my days. Will I struggle like this always? I am definitely not getting ahead but I am not getting behind anymore either, which I was for a long time. My income has been cut drastically over the years and this was bound to come crashing down eventually. It is such a burden and a stress that I feel like my only option is to tackle it head on and just knock away at it. Part of me really wants to be like the people I called back in my collection days and just say screw it. Alas, that is not my personality and I would be no happier with that approach. I do recognize that I am lucky to have a job and to at least be making enough to support myself but that isn’t helping me today like it normally does.

Home is stressful as well. Dan has a lot to do before he starts back to EMT classes in the fall. When he is overwhelmed and stressed out, I tend to feel the same. We have had our share of bumps along the road in reference to co-habitation. We don’t get very much quality time together and that makes communication hard. There are a lot of stressors for both of us. We have had PB most of the summer and as you have heard in prior posts her manners just are not what they used to be, nor what they should be. Dan made dinner Tuesday night and I picked up PB. The babysitter could not get her to eat her lunch so after an hour she threw it away and gave her only water for the rest of the day at our request. So we get home about 7:30 and PB is all excited about dinner as she has not eaten since breakfast. Dan made a chicken noodle casserole with Italian seasoning that was probably the best dish he has cooked to date. She likes noodles. She likes chicken. She likes cheese. She would not eat it.

Since Dan’s return from the Wild West PB had had no issues with eating. It could be she liked what we had or just felt like she didn’t want to rock the boat with dad. I was starting to feel like maybe it was me. She just doesn’t listen or follow directions with me. Alas, she acted insane to her father…FINALLY! She sat at the dinner table from 7:30pm-11:30pm. She has the new habit of making herself throw up and just before Dan and I got up from eating you could see from the look in her eyes that was the plan. Dan told her if she threw up she was eating it. I had to get up at that point and just walk away. She cried like a newborn baby for about an hour. Then she fell asleep. Then she cried more because she had to go to the bathroom (common excuse for her in this situation) and I am sure she did after all of that time at the table. I kissed Dan goodnight at 11:15pm and he was at the table with her telling her she had 5 minutes to eat or he was going up to bed and leaving her downstairs to eat her food. After 4 hours and many breakdowns the child finally ate her dinner. At least it wasn’t me was all I could think.

Ok, enough Debbie Downer…time for Polly Positive. My sister completed the bar exam today! She is finally headed home from Jefferson City!!! She can live a normal life and pull herself out of her books. I am not sure she will know what to do with herself. I am so proud of her and I cannot wait to hang out and catch up. It has been a long time.

Another positive note, my bestest friend in the whole wide world flew in from Colorado last night with her husband and baby. I have not seen her son since October of last year so I am super excited. It will be nice to catch up and just spend some renewing time with family and loved ones. We are meeting up tonight at her parents house to kick off the festivities. She will be in Chicago this weekend but hopefully we will get some time to hang early next week before she heads back. That’s all I got. I can’t wait for Friday and then the weekend to relax and hopefully de-stress my life. Happy day to you and yours!