This week has been a rough one. I am feeling the pressure now more than ever with my mounting debt and lack of income to cover it. I have been contemplating the 2nd job to pay debt vs. schooling to eventually make more money and be able to support my life. School costs money, even with grants, and money is a huge part of my issue right now. I have decided on the 2nd job route and will still continue to research schooling and see what I think. It is so frustrating to not have any clue what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I wonder if I will grow up or if I will work meaningless jobs for the rest of my days. Will I struggle like this always? I am definitely not getting ahead but I am not getting behind anymore either, which I was for a long time. My income has been cut drastically over the years and this was bound to come crashing down eventually. It is such a burden and a stress that I feel like my only option is to tackle it head on and just knock away at it. Part of me really wants to be like the people I called back in my collection days and just say screw it. Alas, that is not my personality and I would be no happier with that approach. I do recognize that I am lucky to have a job and to at least be making enough to support myself but that isn’t helping me today like it normally does.
Home is stressful as well. Dan has a lot to do before he starts back to EMT classes in the fall. When he is overwhelmed and stressed out, I tend to feel the same. We have had our share of bumps along the road in reference to co-habitation. We don’t get very much quality time together and that makes communication hard. There are a lot of stressors for both of us. We have had PB most of the summer and as you have heard in prior posts her manners just are not what they used to be, nor what they should be. Dan made dinner Tuesday night and I picked up PB. The babysitter could not get her to eat her lunch so after an hour she threw it away and gave her only water for the rest of the day at our request. So we get home about 7:30 and PB is all excited about dinner as she has not eaten since breakfast. Dan made a chicken noodle casserole with Italian seasoning that was probably the best dish he has cooked to date. She likes noodles. She likes chicken. She likes cheese. She would not eat it.
Since Dan’s return from the Wild West PB had had no issues with eating. It could be she liked what we had or just felt like she didn’t want to rock the boat with dad. I was starting to feel like maybe it was me. She just doesn’t listen or follow directions with me. Alas, she acted insane to her father…FINALLY! She sat at the dinner table from 7:30pm-11:30pm. She has the new habit of making herself throw up and just before Dan and I got up from eating you could see from the look in her eyes that was the plan. Dan told her if she threw up she was eating it. I had to get up at that point and just walk away. She cried like a newborn baby for about an hour. Then she fell asleep. Then she cried more because she had to go to the bathroom (common excuse for her in this situation) and I am sure she did after all of that time at the table. I kissed Dan goodnight at 11:15pm and he was at the table with her telling her she had 5 minutes to eat or he was going up to bed and leaving her downstairs to eat her food. After 4 hours and many breakdowns the child finally ate her dinner. At least it wasn’t me was all I could think.
Ok, enough Debbie Downer…time for Polly Positive. My sister completed the bar exam today! She is finally headed home from Jefferson City!!! She can live a normal life and pull herself out of her books. I am not sure she will know what to do with herself. I am so proud of her and I cannot wait to hang out and catch up. It has been a long time.
Another positive note, my bestest friend in the whole wide world flew in from Colorado last night with her husband and baby. I have not seen her son since October of last year so I am super excited. It will be nice to catch up and just spend some renewing time with family and loved ones. We are meeting up tonight at her parents house to kick off the festivities. She will be in Chicago this weekend but hopefully we will get some time to hang early next week before she heads back. That’s all I got. I can’t wait for Friday and then the weekend to relax and hopefully de-stress my life. Happy day to you and yours!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Way Back Wednesday- Final Sister Edition
Alright, this whole sister edition of Way Back Wednesday started because this week is the big Missouri Bar Exam for my sister! She did 1 portion of the test yesterday and has a whole day today and a half day tomorrow. She is focused on the task at hand so I have not spoken to her since Sunday. She will return to the Lou tomorrow afternoon to await her test results which are expected sometime in OCTOBER! I am so proud of my sissy and I have no doubt that she will pass with flying colors. I can't wait to enjoy a cold beverage and catch up on the last 3 years that she has been buried in books. Onto our Way Back post now...Oh, the 80's and 90's! Such exciting times in fashion.
Sis and I around mid-to-late 1980's in our denim-on-denim ensembles. Oh, the red pumps!
This was taken at the Reno airport on one of my visits West to see her. I believe this was the trip to plan her wedding in Tahoe. Late 1990's.
Taken at our Aunt Louise and Uncle Ray's 50th Wedding Anniversary in late 80's to early 90's.
Sissy's 21st birthday. I wish you could see her entire outfit. It was all white leather, halter, short-shorts and jacket. She looked like a Cowboys cheerleader! What is that trash in my hand? 5 1/2 years age difference and I was not quite 16 yet!
Courtesy of Tina Huml Photography (our personal life photographer) this was taken at a 1 hour photo shop that Tina and I worked at. Late 90's.
Sissy's first visit home with her then-husband (not pictured) July of 1998? I am already givin' my shout out to the gay with the rainbow shirt. Why so pale in July though?
My 21st Birthday brunch at Harrah's Casino 1999
Also a Tina Huml Photography classic taken on Tina's kitchen counter. Oh, the matching outfits.
This was taken in my very first apartment. 1996, just before she moved to Reno.
Taken in a Casino in Reno...(I'm a lyrical gansta) 2000
I am honestly not sure where this picture was taken or when. Looks to be late 90's to me. Perhaps her visit home for mom's 50th.
Another Tina Huml classic taken out at my mom's house in Troy around 2000/2001.
I had to throw in a recent shot. This is Dan, sissy and I celebrating her graduation in Michigan in May 2009.
Yay, you-passed-the-bar-party pics are soon to come! There WILL be a party!
Sis and I around mid-to-late 1980's in our denim-on-denim ensembles. Oh, the red pumps!
This was taken at the Reno airport on one of my visits West to see her. I believe this was the trip to plan her wedding in Tahoe. Late 1990's.
Taken at our Aunt Louise and Uncle Ray's 50th Wedding Anniversary in late 80's to early 90's.
Sissy's 21st birthday. I wish you could see her entire outfit. It was all white leather, halter, short-shorts and jacket. She looked like a Cowboys cheerleader! What is that trash in my hand? 5 1/2 years age difference and I was not quite 16 yet!
Courtesy of Tina Huml Photography (our personal life photographer) this was taken at a 1 hour photo shop that Tina and I worked at. Late 90's.Sissy's first visit home with her then-husband (not pictured) July of 1998? I am already givin' my shout out to the gay with the rainbow shirt. Why so pale in July though?
My 21st Birthday brunch at Harrah's Casino 1999
Also a Tina Huml Photography classic taken on Tina's kitchen counter. Oh, the matching outfits.
This was taken in my very first apartment. 1996, just before she moved to Reno.
Taken in a Casino in Reno...(I'm a lyrical gansta) 2000
I am honestly not sure where this picture was taken or when. Looks to be late 90's to me. Perhaps her visit home for mom's 50th.
Another Tina Huml classic taken out at my mom's house in Troy around 2000/2001.
I had to throw in a recent shot. This is Dan, sissy and I celebrating her graduation in Michigan in May 2009.
Yay, you-passed-the-bar-party pics are soon to come! There WILL be a party!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My heroes
Dogs over people? I am an animal lover so please don’t get mad. I find irony in the fact that we will put a dog down to save them the pain and suffering of death but we will stand by and watch our loved ones starve to death from illness and disease without assisting them in a more humane passing. Here is some more irony to put on top of that. It’s in the news lately. I don’t watch sports. I don’t like sports. I think pro athlete’s get paid absorbanantly too much money to do what they do. If we valued education, clean energy practices or world peace as much as we do professional sports, this country might actually be something someday. But alas, we are barbaric Neanderthals who pay these outrageous ticket prices and buy the vendor food for the “American Experience” of baseball, football and many other sports which I have learned are defined by only one thing…excess. Robin Williams once said, “Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.” A more true statement may never have been spoken. Not all of the time but most, windfall money leads to alcohol, drugs, sex with strangers, hard partying and is followed by hard times.
Apparently it was a shock to the world back in 2007 when Michael Vick was charged and convicted of being “the key figure” in an interstate dog fighting ring. It was a felony conviction that even with plea agreements sent Vick to jail for 2 of the 3 year prison sentence. He was released in May of this year and as of yesterday he was conditionally reinstated back into the NFL. The condition being that he completes his federal time on house arrest, as if he has a choice. Groups such as PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) are protesting this decision and hope to get it overturned. The basis of their argument is that you can’t just say you are sorry and play ball again after participating in the cruel murder of hundreds of dogs. Children look up to sports figures and Michael Vick is not a good roll model. I stand by PETA 100%.
I find this all very interesting being a born and bread St. Louisan. Does anyone remember Leonard Little? He is still currently a St. Louis Rams player, who back in 1998, left a party drunk and crashed into and killed Susan Gutweiler in St. Louis, MO. He was not just drunk but twice the legal limit registering at 0.19 in blood alcohol levels. Little pled guilty to involuntary manslaughter and he received 90 days in jail, four years probation and 1000 hours of community service. The NFL suspended Little for 8 games in the 1999 season due to his conviction. Just 6 years later in 2004 Little was arrested again for drunk driving and speeding. Because of his prior conviction he was a repeat offender and was charged with a felony in this case. Little was acquitted of the DUI but convicted of misdemeanor speeding and received no jail time nor suspension from the NFL in this case. I don’t actually remember hearing about it at the time.
Both of these cases are absolutely appalling but it sickens me that people are so upset about Michael Vick being reinstated. Yes, what Vick was convicted of doing is a heinous crime for which he should never be allowed back into professional sports in my opinion. He is no role model but I don’t think any sport personality should be. Why are people so upset about Vick’s dog fighting and not Little's MURDER of another human being? Why do those same people go to Sunday’s game and cheer on Little? Vick killed dogs, Little killed a person. Vick got years in jail, Little got months. I wonder how Susan Gutweiler’s family feels as they watch Leonard Little take the field each Sunday to the adoring applause of the St. Louis Rams fans?
Who decided sports athletes were hero’s anyway? I know Kobe raping that girl and then paying her off made him my hero. OJ killing Nicole and Ron, oh yeah…now that’s a man. How about Majic admitting to having unprotected sex with hundreds if not thousands of women during the course of his marriage? Then the newest accused rapist, Ben Roethlisberger…I wanna be like him. If you are a parent or plan to be someday, you might want to rethink what a role model is.
Here are some interesting facts about men in sports:
· According to the Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sports, around 100 athletes per year - that's two per week -- are accused of rape or other violence toward women.
· Research has shown that athletes also have a high incidence of risky behavior: drug abuse, reckless driving, gambling and promiscuity.
Here are some of the reason’s that players exhibit these characteristics:
· With contracts and money come power and a sense of entitlement.
· You must be aggressive and competitive to get to where they are and they don’t back down, on or off the field.
· Over confidence or a feeling of control and optimism is ever present. They forget the bad and concentrate on the good.
· They have a need for constant stimulation and are always seeking more.
My idea of a hero is someone who lives through extraordinary circumstances or experiences severe hardship and in the end they come out with their character still in tact. Some famous people I would put into that category:
Helen Keller
Anne Frank
Maya Angelou
Dave Pelzer- author of A Child Called “It”
Oskar Schindler
Mother Teresa
Mahatma Gandhi
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rosa Parks
Barack Obama
Irena Sendler
Then there are everyday people who live their lives with honest and integrity everyday. My real life heroes are:
Paul and Barb Theilig for the parents that they are to their 4 kids and many more.
Paul and Robin Gramlich for the parents that they were to Leigh and the friends that they have become to me. I learned many of life’s lessons at their kitchen table.
My sister who has followed her dreams all the way to the Missouri Bar Exam this week.
My boyfriend who saves lives.
My girl Nichole Taylor who just passed her medic exam.
My friend Anna works with disabled people and helps them get into housing and to take care of themselves.
My best friend Manda who has become everything I thought she would be and more.
Then there are people who are there to do good because they love it (most of the time):
Teachers
Firefighters
Police Officers
Paramedics
Counselors
Social Workers
Moms
Everyone has their own idea of what a hero is. Mine are far from a sports field. To be a hero in my eyes it is about the person you are inside. These sports “heroes” don’t make it far with me. Idealizing sports figures for physical capabilities or strengths to me takes away from the true person that they are, which unfortunately is sometimes no good. I once saw Kurt Warner give a speech to a junior football league in St. Louis. He had his Super Bowl ring and his Heisman Trophy with him but what he said was what I really remember about the man. He said football is what he does and what he loves but it is not who he is. He is a husband, a father and a man of God before all of those things. I am not a religious person but I felt humbled by his comment. He honestly didn’t feel like he was any better or worse than the other 200 people in the room that day. To me, that is a true hero.
Me and Kurt Warner at the Youth Group speech he did in St. Louis.
As for Vick and Little, I say we lock them in a room and let them fight it out until the death. The last man standing gets hit by a drunk driver and if he survives he is back in the NFL!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Man Candy Monday
New tradition folks! I am going to start off the week with a smile from now on. I got this idea from a fellow blogger here. Read a post or 2 and you will see why I became hooked on this amazing woman. I have stolen her idea and I am not even making it my own. This weeks Man Candy is Terrell Owens. He is a footballer who recently got his own reality show. This picture is a promo pic for his new show. While I have no interest in football or TO's personal life...I am very interested in this photo. I hope it gives you the chills and thrills that it delivered for me. Day-YUM!
Now that we have that out of the way. I had a great weekend overall. Friday night my mom and I met some old family friends for drinks. Saturday morning I went to see my gay hubby and had my hair did. More blond, less weight...thinking of letting it grow beyond my collar...maybe. Saturday afternoon Dan and I mowed the grass in the beautiful weather. Then we took PB to Dan's aunt and uncle's house to swim. We got my favorite Pantera's Pizza and watched "While She Was Out" with Kim Bassinger on Saturday night. Very strange movie. Sunday we had a slow start with a late breakfast at home. After that we packed up PB and BOTH dogs for some fun in the sun at the local park. We walked almost 5 miles and I wore out the whole group of them. After our walk we went home for sandwiches and then Dan worked for a few hours as a favor to a friend. My friend Tina came over while Dan was working and we had girl time. She stayed for dinner and hung with us for a while before heading back to her house full of teenagers...eek! Lots of exciting things to look forward to this week. My sister has just arrived in Jefferson City in preperation for taking the Missouri Law Bar Exam which starts tomorrow. My BFF, Manda, will be home Wednesday with her husband and beautiful baby. So Thursday the old crew is all gathering at Manda's parents' house for a reunion and I cannot wait! Saturday I have wedding shower for a very good friend and I haven't seen any of her friends in years so that will be fun too! Happy week to everyone. More bloggy lovin' later.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Way Back Wednesday--- 6 more days til D Day
I am sending nothing but good vibes and love out today to my sissy. 6 days from today she will be in Jefferson City taking the Missouri Bar Exam! She is stressed beyond belief so I haven't seen much of her since her return from the great North (Michigan). Last week was kind of about my little attitude in the pictures of us. This week is all about sisterly love.
Here we are in the driveway of our old house in the old wagon!
At the pumpkin patch. I am not sure which is worse, my sweater with lace collar or my sister's entire outfit.
With Santa at Mark Twain Mall, I think. Or maybe this was at my pre-school?
On the beach of Pensacola, Florida. I think this was taken right before my finger got cut off.
Squinting in the backyard. My sister takes the Worst Outfit award here for sure! WTF?
On our hot wheels infront of the neighbors fence that I took down many a time on my bike. What is with the flippin' bonnet to play in?
Halloween circa 1982? This was my sister's actual dance recital outfit which turned into my dress-up clothes after this. Clearly I am the cutest clown ever...complete with blue kicks!
At the St. Louis Zoo! Remember Super Gang? I totally forgot them until I saw my sister's shirt in this one. Loving my hat, not so much on the one piece outfit though.
In the backyard again. This looks like a repeat offender outfit on my sis but look closely...it is not. I am clearly plotting something in my mind in this one. Something evil...
Bathtub fun! Even my sister looks like a baby here. I was probably 1 year or around there so she was 6 or 6 1/2.
Good luck in Jeff City, Sissy! I am so proud of you for all that you have done and I know you will do fantastic on your test. Stay tuned for next week's final edition of Way Back- sisters...we are getting into the late 80's and early 90's now. You don't want to miss that!
Love, Peace and Hair Grease to All,
Little T
Here we are in the driveway of our old house in the old wagon!
At the pumpkin patch. I am not sure which is worse, my sweater with lace collar or my sister's entire outfit.
With Santa at Mark Twain Mall, I think. Or maybe this was at my pre-school?
On the beach of Pensacola, Florida. I think this was taken right before my finger got cut off.
Squinting in the backyard. My sister takes the Worst Outfit award here for sure! WTF?
On our hot wheels infront of the neighbors fence that I took down many a time on my bike. What is with the flippin' bonnet to play in?
Halloween circa 1982? This was my sister's actual dance recital outfit which turned into my dress-up clothes after this. Clearly I am the cutest clown ever...complete with blue kicks!
At the St. Louis Zoo! Remember Super Gang? I totally forgot them until I saw my sister's shirt in this one. Loving my hat, not so much on the one piece outfit though.
In the backyard again. This looks like a repeat offender outfit on my sis but look closely...it is not. I am clearly plotting something in my mind in this one. Something evil...
Bathtub fun! Even my sister looks like a baby here. I was probably 1 year or around there so she was 6 or 6 1/2.
Good luck in Jeff City, Sissy! I am so proud of you for all that you have done and I know you will do fantastic on your test. Stay tuned for next week's final edition of Way Back- sisters...we are getting into the late 80's and early 90's now. You don't want to miss that!Love, Peace and Hair Grease to All,
Little T
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tic Tacs for breakfast
If I really had a child of my own, this is where my Not My Child post would go. Since she is not mine and I can place blame on others, I will. So Dan has been out of town since last Monday touring the mountains of Colorado/Utah with his 4 wheeling-freak-friends. (did I type that?) I HAD the house and my life to myself until last night when I picked up PB from her mom. We went to Dan’s aunt and uncle’s house for free dinner and hit the jackpot when we arrived to a homemade peach cobbler going into the oven. They were grilling chicken and fresh veggies for dinner and I was super excited.
To give you a bit of backdrop on this blog, we (I mean, I here) have been having issues with getting Bella to eat. As a baby (I hear) she would eat anything and even when Dan and I met 1 and ½ years ago she was a solid eater. Over the past few months we have had MAJOR food issues. It has worsened since has been with us for the summer. I guess she eats a lot of mac n cheese, noodles with butter and whatever she wants when she is not with us. It makes it hard to put sauce on her noodles or get her to eat anything other than the sides she likes. We did the whole sit at the table until you are finished and that doesn’t work. She resorted to my old tactic of throwing up, which in my defense I handled better than my mom ever did. If you throw it up, it doesn’t count…just like reality TV making you eat bugs and stuff. We have also tried boxing it up and making her eat if for lunch and dinner the next day until it is gone. That works if you stick to it…dad tends to forget. So Dan, even before vacation, has been working a lot and this has been mostly my problem to deal with. We have had many nights of straight to your bath and to bed. I don’t have kids. I don’t know how to deal with someone else’s child acting like a demon. If she were mine, I would sit down and talk to her (Dan says I should whip her) so that is what I did. We talked a few weeks ago and things were better for a few days but then she wasn’t with us for a while and we were back to square one when she got back.
So now you are up to speed. Anyhow, Dan’s family is very aware of the food issues so they were not surprised when she started to turn her nose up immediately. I gave the child a very small portion of chicken, 3 slices of potato and 3 pieces of zucchini. We were all finished eating as she was pushing her food around her plate. I told her she could eat her food or we would pack up, go home, take a bath and go to bed. She knew I was serious and did finally give in and eat MOST of her food. If it is brown (burnt), speckley (seasoned) or different (unfamiliar) she will not eat it. I really think her curiosity about peach cobbler is what made her finish. So we bust out desert, which Little Miss Picky doesn’t eat. As we are cleaning up, Bella comes around asking for candy. Now, I had to threaten to take you home to get you to eat dinner and you didn’t eat desert, what makes you think you can have candy? Big no to that.
Food is not our only issue lately at the dinner table. When I met Dan, PB was a very well mannered little girl. Somewhere along the way, she has regressed. She used to say excuse me, please, thank you, yes sir and no sir. We got none of that anymore. She was chewing with her mouth open and talking with food falling out. She has a new horrible habit of putting her feet on the chair at dinner and if she doesn’t have shoes on she picks her toes. Now if you know me at all, or read my quirk blog you can imagine how much this makes me want to vomit. I asked her at dinner where she had lost her manner to and she just got that wounded puppy face, which means she knows she’s wrong.
So by the time we get home it is late, she takes her bath and comes down ready for bed. I am not prepared to deal with this behavior for one more minute, let alone the rest of summer so we chatted. She made some excuses and tried to manipulate but in the end she said she forgot her manners because no one reminds her and no one cares. Everyone always has other stuff going on and never watches her anyway. The child is craving discipline. Any mom’s having a light bulb? We are very consistant with her behavior at our house, unfortunately there is no telling what happens outside of our influence. That means that our influence has to be stronger…with less time to do it in. We decided we will make a chart of rules and chores for home and also a portable copy that she can keep with her. This was her idea and I really like it. She even suggested making it a rule that you eat all of your food (or you die, which I think we will omit). We didn’t discuss rewards because I don’t want her to do it simply because she feels like she will get something (but she will). Hopefully in the end she is just a well-rounded kid.
So fast forward to this morning; my worst nightmare is coming true. I am responsible for getting her to the babysitter and myself to work with no assistance. For all of you moms out there, let me remind you that you started with them in your womb as a daily reminder. Then you had to feed them every 2 hours and do everything for them. I got myself a walking, talking little 7 year old mini-me and it is not comfortable sometimes. I will compare it to 4 inch pumps that are 1/2 size too small. Just doesn’t quite feel right. I still forget to hold her hand when we cross the street. She reminds me, “Toni…hold my hand”. So this little bundle of joy comes bounding down the stairs in the clothes I laid out for her (thank God) and in all honesty and sincerity at 6:15 in the morning says to me, “Can I have some tic tacs” as she shakes her little container. The Phyllis (my mother) in me wanted to blow up but I remained calm and sent her back to her room reminding her that she had no had breakfast. As we settle into the car for our drive the conversation went something like this:
Me: So, PB, which one of your parents feeds you tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: Ummmmm, neither…(she is smart and I do think she knew where we were headed)
Me: Why would you ask me for tic tacs for breakfast if you know your parents would not let you? (This is my fault, I take total responsibility) Do you think I am dumb and I don’t know the rules?
PB: Yes
Me: So you think I am too dumb to know that you don’t get tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: No, no, I mean you are so smart…you know I can’t have them
Me: Do you know that you can’t have tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: Yes, I do
Me: Then why did you ask if you could have them?
PB: (classic response of a 7 year old) I don’t know
Me: Well, it really hurts my feelings that you think you can get away with things with me that your mom and dad won’t let you do. It disappoints me that you are trying to trick me. Do you know how upset your mom and dad would be if they knew I let you have tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: I’m sorry, Toni. I won’t ask you for things that mommy and daddy don’t let me do anymore.
Me: Ok, but no candy today at Tina’s because you asked for it for breakfast.
PB: Ok, that’s fair.
Now, I am not sure if that is entirely true but it was a good talk. Tonight we are getting poster board to make our rules/chores list and shopping for camping crap for Girl Scout Camp on Wednesday. Dan finally returns tomorrow night sometime and I can’t wait. I think he will be proud of my progress. Happy Monday to all!
To give you a bit of backdrop on this blog, we (I mean, I here) have been having issues with getting Bella to eat. As a baby (I hear) she would eat anything and even when Dan and I met 1 and ½ years ago she was a solid eater. Over the past few months we have had MAJOR food issues. It has worsened since has been with us for the summer. I guess she eats a lot of mac n cheese, noodles with butter and whatever she wants when she is not with us. It makes it hard to put sauce on her noodles or get her to eat anything other than the sides she likes. We did the whole sit at the table until you are finished and that doesn’t work. She resorted to my old tactic of throwing up, which in my defense I handled better than my mom ever did. If you throw it up, it doesn’t count…just like reality TV making you eat bugs and stuff. We have also tried boxing it up and making her eat if for lunch and dinner the next day until it is gone. That works if you stick to it…dad tends to forget. So Dan, even before vacation, has been working a lot and this has been mostly my problem to deal with. We have had many nights of straight to your bath and to bed. I don’t have kids. I don’t know how to deal with someone else’s child acting like a demon. If she were mine, I would sit down and talk to her (Dan says I should whip her) so that is what I did. We talked a few weeks ago and things were better for a few days but then she wasn’t with us for a while and we were back to square one when she got back.
So now you are up to speed. Anyhow, Dan’s family is very aware of the food issues so they were not surprised when she started to turn her nose up immediately. I gave the child a very small portion of chicken, 3 slices of potato and 3 pieces of zucchini. We were all finished eating as she was pushing her food around her plate. I told her she could eat her food or we would pack up, go home, take a bath and go to bed. She knew I was serious and did finally give in and eat MOST of her food. If it is brown (burnt), speckley (seasoned) or different (unfamiliar) she will not eat it. I really think her curiosity about peach cobbler is what made her finish. So we bust out desert, which Little Miss Picky doesn’t eat. As we are cleaning up, Bella comes around asking for candy. Now, I had to threaten to take you home to get you to eat dinner and you didn’t eat desert, what makes you think you can have candy? Big no to that.
Food is not our only issue lately at the dinner table. When I met Dan, PB was a very well mannered little girl. Somewhere along the way, she has regressed. She used to say excuse me, please, thank you, yes sir and no sir. We got none of that anymore. She was chewing with her mouth open and talking with food falling out. She has a new horrible habit of putting her feet on the chair at dinner and if she doesn’t have shoes on she picks her toes. Now if you know me at all, or read my quirk blog you can imagine how much this makes me want to vomit. I asked her at dinner where she had lost her manner to and she just got that wounded puppy face, which means she knows she’s wrong.
So by the time we get home it is late, she takes her bath and comes down ready for bed. I am not prepared to deal with this behavior for one more minute, let alone the rest of summer so we chatted. She made some excuses and tried to manipulate but in the end she said she forgot her manners because no one reminds her and no one cares. Everyone always has other stuff going on and never watches her anyway. The child is craving discipline. Any mom’s having a light bulb? We are very consistant with her behavior at our house, unfortunately there is no telling what happens outside of our influence. That means that our influence has to be stronger…with less time to do it in. We decided we will make a chart of rules and chores for home and also a portable copy that she can keep with her. This was her idea and I really like it. She even suggested making it a rule that you eat all of your food (or you die, which I think we will omit). We didn’t discuss rewards because I don’t want her to do it simply because she feels like she will get something (but she will). Hopefully in the end she is just a well-rounded kid.
So fast forward to this morning; my worst nightmare is coming true. I am responsible for getting her to the babysitter and myself to work with no assistance. For all of you moms out there, let me remind you that you started with them in your womb as a daily reminder. Then you had to feed them every 2 hours and do everything for them. I got myself a walking, talking little 7 year old mini-me and it is not comfortable sometimes. I will compare it to 4 inch pumps that are 1/2 size too small. Just doesn’t quite feel right. I still forget to hold her hand when we cross the street. She reminds me, “Toni…hold my hand”. So this little bundle of joy comes bounding down the stairs in the clothes I laid out for her (thank God) and in all honesty and sincerity at 6:15 in the morning says to me, “Can I have some tic tacs” as she shakes her little container. The Phyllis (my mother) in me wanted to blow up but I remained calm and sent her back to her room reminding her that she had no had breakfast. As we settle into the car for our drive the conversation went something like this:
Me: So, PB, which one of your parents feeds you tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: Ummmmm, neither…(she is smart and I do think she knew where we were headed)
Me: Why would you ask me for tic tacs for breakfast if you know your parents would not let you? (This is my fault, I take total responsibility) Do you think I am dumb and I don’t know the rules?
PB: Yes
Me: So you think I am too dumb to know that you don’t get tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: No, no, I mean you are so smart…you know I can’t have them
Me: Do you know that you can’t have tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: Yes, I do
Me: Then why did you ask if you could have them?
PB: (classic response of a 7 year old) I don’t know
Me: Well, it really hurts my feelings that you think you can get away with things with me that your mom and dad won’t let you do. It disappoints me that you are trying to trick me. Do you know how upset your mom and dad would be if they knew I let you have tic tacs for breakfast?
PB: I’m sorry, Toni. I won’t ask you for things that mommy and daddy don’t let me do anymore.
Me: Ok, but no candy today at Tina’s because you asked for it for breakfast.
PB: Ok, that’s fair.
Now, I am not sure if that is entirely true but it was a good talk. Tonight we are getting poster board to make our rules/chores list and shopping for camping crap for Girl Scout Camp on Wednesday. Dan finally returns tomorrow night sometime and I can’t wait. I think he will be proud of my progress. Happy Monday to all!
Friday, July 17, 2009
"Répondez s'il vous plaît"
Does anyone know what this means? *Respond if you please* is the literal French translation. RSVP can also stand for "Restricted Seating Verify Participation." It does not mean “be a rude bitch and don’t respond”. You were invited to a party. A party where there will be drinks, maybe food and a few prizes. Have some respect for the hostess (and your friend or family member that the party is for) and let them know that you will or will not be able to attend. If you respond that you will come, kindly show up as you have been counted on. What would you do if you showed up to a party and there was no place to sit or nothing for you to drink? People have counted on you and you should be there. It is just that simple. I understand that things come up, that is why there are phones and e-mail. I realize this is a given to some of us. I would like to say most but I don’t believe that to be true. My friend Anzarel and I recently put on a shower for a mutual friend and very few people responded. Some of those that did respond saying that they would be there just did not show up or call. This is all out rude behavior no matter how you look at it but what do you think it does to the person that the party was for? That is nice for them that people just don’t show up or call. That really makes you feel important to people.
I have personally been involved in the planning and implementation of hundreds of parties. Some friends have gotten married and had multiple babies. Then there are the birthdays, anniversaries and graduations. I have become a master of the 2 hour shower and I love a good adult drinking party. Someone has to be the organizer and it is not always me. No matter who plans the party the response is the same…little to none. I am not sure where Miss Manners, Ms. Etiquette or even Dear Abby led us astray but it is not acceptable to not RSVP, just as it is not acceptable to accept a gift without thanks. It is just a given, or it should be.
The same goes for making plans with people, in my opinion. I made dinner plans for this week with someone that I rarely see but e-mail regularly. We have known each other for 12 years and rarely find the time to catch up. Two months ago we set a tentative date. Then last week I called to see if we were still on and we were. The day of our plans, I e-mailed her to see where and when we were meeting and she responds that she can’t make it and could we do next week? Normally, this would be no big deal but this is not my first ditch by this person and I was upset. I had really been looking forward to catching up. I let it go, knowing that I am overly sensitive this week with Dan being away and basically out of contact. So I went home and enjoyed the night to myself. Many people had asked me to hang out, knowing that I was on my own but I was so pissy at the last minute cancelation that I just went home to clean and chill.
The next day, I get into work all cheery-happy-go-lucky and I log on to Facebook first thing, like I always do and I just could not believe my eyes. You probably wouldn’t believe it if I just told you so I will copy and paste so you get the full affect:
Exhausted, just got done cleaning both dog cages, and giving both the dogs a bath............UH!!
Wed at 8:58pm · Comment · Like Unlike
This was posted by my dinner ditcher WHILE we were supposed to be out together! Ok, so comment? Like? Unlike? Thanks for being a lying bitch? I mean that is worse than canceling a date because you need to wash your hair. You canceled to give your dogs baths? Even if this is not the true reason, she gave no reason and then had the nerve to post her mundane going's on instead of an apology to her ditched friend. (I would never really expect that. Just a suggestion:-))In the end I decided to be the bigger person and let it go; right up until I blogged about it. The high road was feeling really lonely so I took the first exit south and came down to her level. Yeah, I did. Not gonna lie, it feels good. I am pretty sure I will not be rescheduling dinner. I think this was a sign from the Gods or my little gay spirit guide to rinse the non-sense out of my life. This actually feels so good that I could almost single out each person that was a no-call/no-show and hurt my girl’s feelings last weekend for her shower. Because SHE still wishes to be your friend and/or give 2 shits about you, your kids, your husband’s girlfriend or your VD; I’m going to let it go. This is a warning shout out to all though. Nothing is sacred here at Craw Digger. No one will be spared. Happy Friday to my loved ones and a big hearty FU to the rest of you!
I have personally been involved in the planning and implementation of hundreds of parties. Some friends have gotten married and had multiple babies. Then there are the birthdays, anniversaries and graduations. I have become a master of the 2 hour shower and I love a good adult drinking party. Someone has to be the organizer and it is not always me. No matter who plans the party the response is the same…little to none. I am not sure where Miss Manners, Ms. Etiquette or even Dear Abby led us astray but it is not acceptable to not RSVP, just as it is not acceptable to accept a gift without thanks. It is just a given, or it should be.
The same goes for making plans with people, in my opinion. I made dinner plans for this week with someone that I rarely see but e-mail regularly. We have known each other for 12 years and rarely find the time to catch up. Two months ago we set a tentative date. Then last week I called to see if we were still on and we were. The day of our plans, I e-mailed her to see where and when we were meeting and she responds that she can’t make it and could we do next week? Normally, this would be no big deal but this is not my first ditch by this person and I was upset. I had really been looking forward to catching up. I let it go, knowing that I am overly sensitive this week with Dan being away and basically out of contact. So I went home and enjoyed the night to myself. Many people had asked me to hang out, knowing that I was on my own but I was so pissy at the last minute cancelation that I just went home to clean and chill.
The next day, I get into work all cheery-happy-go-lucky and I log on to Facebook first thing, like I always do and I just could not believe my eyes. You probably wouldn’t believe it if I just told you so I will copy and paste so you get the full affect:
Exhausted, just got done cleaning both dog cages, and giving both the dogs a bath............UH!!
Wed at 8:58pm · Comment · Like Unlike
This was posted by my dinner ditcher WHILE we were supposed to be out together! Ok, so comment? Like? Unlike? Thanks for being a lying bitch? I mean that is worse than canceling a date because you need to wash your hair. You canceled to give your dogs baths? Even if this is not the true reason, she gave no reason and then had the nerve to post her mundane going's on instead of an apology to her ditched friend. (I would never really expect that. Just a suggestion:-))In the end I decided to be the bigger person and let it go; right up until I blogged about it. The high road was feeling really lonely so I took the first exit south and came down to her level. Yeah, I did. Not gonna lie, it feels good. I am pretty sure I will not be rescheduling dinner. I think this was a sign from the Gods or my little gay spirit guide to rinse the non-sense out of my life. This actually feels so good that I could almost single out each person that was a no-call/no-show and hurt my girl’s feelings last weekend for her shower. Because SHE still wishes to be your friend and/or give 2 shits about you, your kids, your husband’s girlfriend or your VD; I’m going to let it go. This is a warning shout out to all though. Nothing is sacred here at Craw Digger. No one will be spared. Happy Friday to my loved ones and a big hearty FU to the rest of you!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Way Back Wednesday...sisters addition
These next few Wednesdays I have decided to make a tribute to my sister who is, as I type, completely losing her mind about the pending Missouri Law Bar exam. She is 5 ½ years older than me. I have always said that she remembers the few good years my parents had together which I don’t so much. Growing up in our house there was a lot of fighting and there were many times that we only had each other. She was my caretaker and advocate and I was the biggest pain in her ass that I could possibly be. Our later years (pre-teen on into young adulthood) produced some pretty horrendous 80’s flashback photos which I will share with you later in the month. For now, we start with the young and innocent times of our early childhood. I purposely picked out the photos that demonstrate my need to rule a situation, regardless of my good girl sister doing her best to reign me in. Our grandparents brought us necklaces when they visited one time around these years. My sister’s said 99% angel and mine said 99% devil. That was pretty much the theme as evidenced below.
I have to wonder why my parents insisted on dressing me like a boy. At least the apple necklace is a small indication of my gender. Look at my sis, giving a shout out to the community with her lil rainbow sweater! It looks as if I am plotting something really bad here.
This is off of our back deck of our old house. Clearly this is my sister's fault as she is tickling me.
I don't know why but I love the cheese-tastic quality of this shot. I still do that with my face sometimes. Tres unattractive now, much cuter then. What is that fabric my shirt is made of? And my sister's collar?
This is one of my favorites. It clearly shows me as the annoying little sister and my big sis dealing with it pretty well. She probably decked me after the picture was taken.
This one is great because I think my sister spent a good part of these years trying to wrangle me in. I remember my mom yelling "get your sister before she hurts herself". Thanks, Sissy!
OMG, to the matching dresses. I hated these things and hated the extra lace my grandmother sewed into them even more. I think this was taken at a private country club that my parents and grandparents used to work at. There are many more matching outfit gems to come!
Last but not least, this was taken in the backyard of our old house on Jungerman. My dad built this swingset that had to be demolished to make room for Jungerman to become 4 lanes. It was a total bummer but we had so much fun while it lasted. This photo is indicative of our personalities for sure.
"If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." ~Linda Sunshine
I have to wonder why my parents insisted on dressing me like a boy. At least the apple necklace is a small indication of my gender. Look at my sis, giving a shout out to the community with her lil rainbow sweater! It looks as if I am plotting something really bad here.
This is off of our back deck of our old house. Clearly this is my sister's fault as she is tickling me.
I don't know why but I love the cheese-tastic quality of this shot. I still do that with my face sometimes. Tres unattractive now, much cuter then. What is that fabric my shirt is made of? And my sister's collar?
This is one of my favorites. It clearly shows me as the annoying little sister and my big sis dealing with it pretty well. She probably decked me after the picture was taken.
This one is great because I think my sister spent a good part of these years trying to wrangle me in. I remember my mom yelling "get your sister before she hurts herself". Thanks, Sissy!
OMG, to the matching dresses. I hated these things and hated the extra lace my grandmother sewed into them even more. I think this was taken at a private country club that my parents and grandparents used to work at. There are many more matching outfit gems to come!
Last but not least, this was taken in the backyard of our old house on Jungerman. My dad built this swingset that had to be demolished to make room for Jungerman to become 4 lanes. It was a total bummer but we had so much fun while it lasted. This photo is indicative of our personalities for sure.
"If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." ~Linda Sunshine
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Ranting non-sense with one little rave!
I have some things to get off of my chest and we all know where I turn to do that. This could be the most random post of nothing I have ever done. Who knows but here goes! I am a huge reader of celebrity smut. It is an addiction and one that I know I should give up but I just can’t. Other people’s lives and stories really intrigue me. It is a sickness. I am enamored recently by the story of Steve McNair and his mistress. I am having a hard time swallowing the fact that this man had a wife, a home and 3 kids with her. He had a mistress who allegedly shot him because she thought he was having another extramarital affair. Then he had an apartment that he shared with a sports merchandiser and friend. The wife says she knew nothing of the mistress who just happens to have been arrested 2 days prior to the murder/suicide and left roadside by her NFL boyfriend. I would assume he didn’t want to be connected to her DUI but the car was registered in both of their names. How does your husband have a mistress whom he co-owns a vehicle with and you don’t know? Oh, and they just took a 3 week vacation together too, Steve and his other woman. I am just repulsed that a married man is carrying on with his adulterous behavior, down to taking the girl/child (mistress was only 20) on vacation and owning joint property so blatantly out in the open where his wife could find out if she opened her damn eyes. Ok, I think I got all of that out.
Now…this whole Michael Jackson thing has just gone too far. I expected the media storm for the week or so after he died, maybe even 2 weeks but we are going too far now. All of my celebrity smut sites are bogged down with speculation and controversy surrounding his life, death, will, kids, family and power. It is just sick and twisted and I am tired of hearing about it. Those kids are fucked up, no matter who they are placed with. After debts are paid, even with the profit off of his death, there will be little left monetarily and I would hope his mother would let the children have it instead of taking her 40%. I don’t care about Debbie Rowe, nor did I care when she married him and bore his children. Clearly his doctors were shady…he was looking for shady doctors. What the King of Pop wants, the King of Pop gets. He killed himself…slowly but surely. We have all been watching the destruction for years but no one stepped in to help. These staff people are now saying the drug use was out of control but no one did anything to help when there was still time to do so. Brooke Shields talks about how he didn’t need to marry her because he had her for life. She mentioned in her very public eulogy that she had not spoken to Michael since 1991. That was the case for many of his celebrity “friends” who showed up. Where were they when he needed them in life? I don’t know but everyone is in for a piece of the profit now and I am sick about it.
This next one really sets me off. Fuckin’ ridiculous-ass, backwards thinking and radical as hell, Sarah Palin has stepped down as the Governor of Alaska. This was a week ago but the GOP keeps trying to get press on this “story”. Some delusional folks think she did this in an effort to concentrate on the presidential run in 2012. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! You cannot keep your commitment as Governor but you think you can be president, Sarah Palin? Over my dead body is all I have to say on that one. Is it just me or am I the only one that remembers her single-handedly ruining John McCain’s chances at his bid for the top seat? Her abstinence preaching teen-mother of a daughter is a great example for young women everywhere. In fact, Sarah’s own views of raping a woman of her right to decide what is best for her own body is the lowest I thought she could go. But alas, she doesn’t disappoint as she skates on her responsibilities as Governor in what some are saying is a ploy to accept book and movie deals for her life story that she was unable to accept while Governing the great state of Alaska. I, for one, would never see/buy or borrow such trash relating to Sarah Palin or her sad and pathetic family. I hope she slowly disappears into her own reflection of Russia.
My face is a nasty disgusting pit of pimples. I am so angry at my doctor right now. When I saw her a few months back and she put me back on the pill she told me to stop taking dermatologist prescribed meds for my face because she said the pill would do the same thing. I took the pill for years before and it never cleared up my face but I went with her. It has been 4 months now and I have 5, yes 5, HUGE cyst-like pimples on my face. One of them started forming while we were camping over Memorial Day weekend and I still have it. These things are massive and they hurt like hell. I call them Quato’s and my face looks like Quato threw up right now. I don’t want to leave the house so don’t anyone pop up anytime soon with cameras like the paparazzi because I will cut a bitch. I called the doc early today and she just called me back. She said to start my old pills again and if they work she will refill it. Her first suggestion was for me to come in and try something she wanted. I know what works and listening to her is what got me here. I am very upset as this will take 30-60 days to clear up again now. In the meantime my face looks disgusting and I will probably have scars from these mongo things. Lesson learned, next time I tell the doctor no. I wasn’t keen on her idea of stopping the meds and now I regret not advocating for myself. In high school I had a Quato so bad once that my drama teacher, Wayne Linder, made it the topic of an improv that I had to do with my friends. I mean seriously, this was a problem then and it is an even bigger issue for me at 30 years old. Stop the insanity already!
Last but not least, I will end with a funny and not so ranting moment. I called my dad yesterday on my way into work to set up dinner for last night. I was running late and the parents are super early risers so I think it was about 8am. I have a strict rule in my family that they are not to call me before noon. It has been in place since adolescence and I am grateful that they still adhere to it. My mother is the type to call you incessantly to ask ridiculous questions very early in the morning. I have actually answered the phone at 8am with “someone better be dead” and she says, “Oh, I forgot, sorry”. Who calls at 8am to ask questions? Not me, usually. Anyway, I call dad at 8am and the first thing he asks me is if I know what time it is. Now what kind of question is that? I called you. So we set up dinner and hang up. When I got to his house last night he was still shocked that I had called that early and again said, “Do you know what time you called me this morning?” I advised him that I was on my way to work, running late non-the-less or it would have been almost an hour earlier. Do you know what he said? “I figured you had just gotten in and knew I would be up”. Thanks, Dad for that vote of confidence.
I am missing Dan terribly as he has been gone a day and a half on his Wild West adventure 4 wheeling. I have another 7 days so I need to chill. He is on roam and cannot call or text much so that sucks. Hopefully he has wifi and can e-mail me soon. I know he made it safely as we did talk for about a minute and a half last night. My week is full of girl’s nights and a gay night out this weekend so I will keep busy. I get PB back from her mom on Sunday and she and I will have Monday and Tuesday to chill together before Dan gets home. I already cannot wait to see him! I am such a dork. I hope the week flies by for everyone. I am ready for Friday!
Now…this whole Michael Jackson thing has just gone too far. I expected the media storm for the week or so after he died, maybe even 2 weeks but we are going too far now. All of my celebrity smut sites are bogged down with speculation and controversy surrounding his life, death, will, kids, family and power. It is just sick and twisted and I am tired of hearing about it. Those kids are fucked up, no matter who they are placed with. After debts are paid, even with the profit off of his death, there will be little left monetarily and I would hope his mother would let the children have it instead of taking her 40%. I don’t care about Debbie Rowe, nor did I care when she married him and bore his children. Clearly his doctors were shady…he was looking for shady doctors. What the King of Pop wants, the King of Pop gets. He killed himself…slowly but surely. We have all been watching the destruction for years but no one stepped in to help. These staff people are now saying the drug use was out of control but no one did anything to help when there was still time to do so. Brooke Shields talks about how he didn’t need to marry her because he had her for life. She mentioned in her very public eulogy that she had not spoken to Michael since 1991. That was the case for many of his celebrity “friends” who showed up. Where were they when he needed them in life? I don’t know but everyone is in for a piece of the profit now and I am sick about it.
This next one really sets me off. Fuckin’ ridiculous-ass, backwards thinking and radical as hell, Sarah Palin has stepped down as the Governor of Alaska. This was a week ago but the GOP keeps trying to get press on this “story”. Some delusional folks think she did this in an effort to concentrate on the presidential run in 2012. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! You cannot keep your commitment as Governor but you think you can be president, Sarah Palin? Over my dead body is all I have to say on that one. Is it just me or am I the only one that remembers her single-handedly ruining John McCain’s chances at his bid for the top seat? Her abstinence preaching teen-mother of a daughter is a great example for young women everywhere. In fact, Sarah’s own views of raping a woman of her right to decide what is best for her own body is the lowest I thought she could go. But alas, she doesn’t disappoint as she skates on her responsibilities as Governor in what some are saying is a ploy to accept book and movie deals for her life story that she was unable to accept while Governing the great state of Alaska. I, for one, would never see/buy or borrow such trash relating to Sarah Palin or her sad and pathetic family. I hope she slowly disappears into her own reflection of Russia.
My face is a nasty disgusting pit of pimples. I am so angry at my doctor right now. When I saw her a few months back and she put me back on the pill she told me to stop taking dermatologist prescribed meds for my face because she said the pill would do the same thing. I took the pill for years before and it never cleared up my face but I went with her. It has been 4 months now and I have 5, yes 5, HUGE cyst-like pimples on my face. One of them started forming while we were camping over Memorial Day weekend and I still have it. These things are massive and they hurt like hell. I call them Quato’s and my face looks like Quato threw up right now. I don’t want to leave the house so don’t anyone pop up anytime soon with cameras like the paparazzi because I will cut a bitch. I called the doc early today and she just called me back. She said to start my old pills again and if they work she will refill it. Her first suggestion was for me to come in and try something she wanted. I know what works and listening to her is what got me here. I am very upset as this will take 30-60 days to clear up again now. In the meantime my face looks disgusting and I will probably have scars from these mongo things. Lesson learned, next time I tell the doctor no. I wasn’t keen on her idea of stopping the meds and now I regret not advocating for myself. In high school I had a Quato so bad once that my drama teacher, Wayne Linder, made it the topic of an improv that I had to do with my friends. I mean seriously, this was a problem then and it is an even bigger issue for me at 30 years old. Stop the insanity already!
Last but not least, I will end with a funny and not so ranting moment. I called my dad yesterday on my way into work to set up dinner for last night. I was running late and the parents are super early risers so I think it was about 8am. I have a strict rule in my family that they are not to call me before noon. It has been in place since adolescence and I am grateful that they still adhere to it. My mother is the type to call you incessantly to ask ridiculous questions very early in the morning. I have actually answered the phone at 8am with “someone better be dead” and she says, “Oh, I forgot, sorry”. Who calls at 8am to ask questions? Not me, usually. Anyway, I call dad at 8am and the first thing he asks me is if I know what time it is. Now what kind of question is that? I called you. So we set up dinner and hang up. When I got to his house last night he was still shocked that I had called that early and again said, “Do you know what time you called me this morning?” I advised him that I was on my way to work, running late non-the-less or it would have been almost an hour earlier. Do you know what he said? “I figured you had just gotten in and knew I would be up”. Thanks, Dad for that vote of confidence.
I am missing Dan terribly as he has been gone a day and a half on his Wild West adventure 4 wheeling. I have another 7 days so I need to chill. He is on roam and cannot call or text much so that sucks. Hopefully he has wifi and can e-mail me soon. I know he made it safely as we did talk for about a minute and a half last night. My week is full of girl’s nights and a gay night out this weekend so I will keep busy. I get PB back from her mom on Sunday and she and I will have Monday and Tuesday to chill together before Dan gets home. I already cannot wait to see him! I am such a dork. I hope the week flies by for everyone. I am ready for Friday!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away”-------Mae West
The elusive Big Oooooo!
I am stunned/shocked/mortified and I MUST blog it out. I have been hearing and reading a lot lately about female sexual patterns. Dan and I have had a few sexual discussions recently where in I have gotten the feeling that he finds me very odd. I have no problem achieving an orgasm. Most times, multiple times. Not knowing any differently, I thought this was normal for everyone. I started doing a little research and found out that MANY women DO NOT ORGASM at all! WTF? I just really had no idea. My friends, for the most part, have very strong sex drives like myself. I have known people in the past who were not sexually satisfied with men but in the end it was really because they were lesbians. (Honest to God) I had no idea that so many women could not achieve orgasm through sexual intercourse. I understand there are women who can orgasm with clitoral stimulation alone and to me this renders sex useless. I honestly don’t think I would have sex if there was nothing in it for me. Perhaps I am really selfish but that is not something I am going to do just for someone else’s pleasure. Yet I find that that is just what many of my friends do! I know, amazabells, right? I am talking about women who find it downright painful to have sex but do it anyway to please their partner. I am simply not that good of a person, I guess.
This whole thing really got me thinking, if I am a woman and I had no idea of the struggles that other women deal with, how is a man to know? And no freaking wonder we have so many male/female issues surrounding sex! For the most part we hear men say that women are not interested in sex. Would you be interested if your penis bled or if you were in a constant state of blue balls because you just couldn’t quite get there? I understand there needs to be a balance here but it seems to me that the scale has tipped in the man’s direction for years now. I mean, let’s be honest, it is not like a guy has to work really hard for his 30 seconds of wonderful! I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of the female issues that arise come from childhood stigmas such as mom saying, “no, don’t touch that! That is your no-no place”. Or perhaps issues come from the church teaching us that sex is for procreation, not for pleasure. Almost like they think it is a dirty, bad, nasty deed when not done to make beh-beh’s. Some people have issues from sexual abuse or molestation that they just cannot get past. Sometimes there is a true medical reason for women and some men not being able to achieve orgasm.
I think that knowing your body is the key; masturbating frequently and ferociously until you figure it out. Don’t leave it to your partner to satisfy you. If you don’t know what satisfies you, how would he know? This whole thing just boggles my mind. I guess I am truly one lucky bitch as Dan happens to be my lucky sidekick. I cannot imagine sex with no gratification. It pains me to even think of it. Men are funny creatures though and can easily feel emasculated in these areas. Especially if they feel like they are the reason they are not pleasing you.
I remember a past relationship that I had where my boyfriend found out that I was a huge fan of my vibrator and was shocked that a woman would be so open about masturbation. When I explained to him that I felt as if it was very sexually healthy and if he did not, it was his problem. Long story short, he wanted to become a part of that and I advised him that he was not welcome, thereby emasculating him. He said to me: “it’s always better if someone does it for you, isn’t it?” Hmmmm; maybe in your world, Champ but not in mine. I am not trying to give you a 20 minute tutorial for what I could finish in 2 minutes on my own.
I clearly do not embarrass easily so I welcome your comments on this subject. Did you know this was such an issue for women? Am I the only one surprised by this? I posted a link to the story that really got me thinking about it so you can judge for yourself. I’m sorry but if a grown ass woman is not sure if she has had an orgasm or not, I just find that to be a God damned travesty. What do you think?
http://http//www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31806658/ns/health-sexual_health/
I am stunned/shocked/mortified and I MUST blog it out. I have been hearing and reading a lot lately about female sexual patterns. Dan and I have had a few sexual discussions recently where in I have gotten the feeling that he finds me very odd. I have no problem achieving an orgasm. Most times, multiple times. Not knowing any differently, I thought this was normal for everyone. I started doing a little research and found out that MANY women DO NOT ORGASM at all! WTF? I just really had no idea. My friends, for the most part, have very strong sex drives like myself. I have known people in the past who were not sexually satisfied with men but in the end it was really because they were lesbians. (Honest to God) I had no idea that so many women could not achieve orgasm through sexual intercourse. I understand there are women who can orgasm with clitoral stimulation alone and to me this renders sex useless. I honestly don’t think I would have sex if there was nothing in it for me. Perhaps I am really selfish but that is not something I am going to do just for someone else’s pleasure. Yet I find that that is just what many of my friends do! I know, amazabells, right? I am talking about women who find it downright painful to have sex but do it anyway to please their partner. I am simply not that good of a person, I guess.
This whole thing really got me thinking, if I am a woman and I had no idea of the struggles that other women deal with, how is a man to know? And no freaking wonder we have so many male/female issues surrounding sex! For the most part we hear men say that women are not interested in sex. Would you be interested if your penis bled or if you were in a constant state of blue balls because you just couldn’t quite get there? I understand there needs to be a balance here but it seems to me that the scale has tipped in the man’s direction for years now. I mean, let’s be honest, it is not like a guy has to work really hard for his 30 seconds of wonderful! I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of the female issues that arise come from childhood stigmas such as mom saying, “no, don’t touch that! That is your no-no place”. Or perhaps issues come from the church teaching us that sex is for procreation, not for pleasure. Almost like they think it is a dirty, bad, nasty deed when not done to make beh-beh’s. Some people have issues from sexual abuse or molestation that they just cannot get past. Sometimes there is a true medical reason for women and some men not being able to achieve orgasm.
I think that knowing your body is the key; masturbating frequently and ferociously until you figure it out. Don’t leave it to your partner to satisfy you. If you don’t know what satisfies you, how would he know? This whole thing just boggles my mind. I guess I am truly one lucky bitch as Dan happens to be my lucky sidekick. I cannot imagine sex with no gratification. It pains me to even think of it. Men are funny creatures though and can easily feel emasculated in these areas. Especially if they feel like they are the reason they are not pleasing you.
I remember a past relationship that I had where my boyfriend found out that I was a huge fan of my vibrator and was shocked that a woman would be so open about masturbation. When I explained to him that I felt as if it was very sexually healthy and if he did not, it was his problem. Long story short, he wanted to become a part of that and I advised him that he was not welcome, thereby emasculating him. He said to me: “it’s always better if someone does it for you, isn’t it?” Hmmmm; maybe in your world, Champ but not in mine. I am not trying to give you a 20 minute tutorial for what I could finish in 2 minutes on my own.
I clearly do not embarrass easily so I welcome your comments on this subject. Did you know this was such an issue for women? Am I the only one surprised by this? I posted a link to the story that really got me thinking about it so you can judge for yourself. I’m sorry but if a grown ass woman is not sure if she has had an orgasm or not, I just find that to be a God damned travesty. What do you think?
http://http//www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31806658/ns/health-sexual_health/
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Way the hell back...
This week's edition of Way Back Wednesday is a tribute to the original Crosby Clan. My parents divorced in 1992 and both remarried in 1995. After 14 years they can finally stand to be in the same room together. I think the last actual photo of the original clan took place in Reno, NV when my sister graduated college in the late 90's but it is not pictured here, as I cannot find it. We have since added a stepmother that came with a 37 year old sister and a 29 year old brother. We also have a stepfather equiped with his own 2 daughters. Things were so much simpler in the 80's.
I think the picture below was taken outside of Joe Patty's Restaurant in Pensecola, Florida. I would guestimate myself at about 18 months.
This next one shows the joy in my parents relationship. You see it...all over mama's face. LOL. Loving dad's hat and mom's glasses! Clearly taken at a summer fun party at our old house: 404 Jungerman Road...way back when Jungerman was a 2 lane road! I would say I was 2 or a little older.
I am not quite sure where this next beauty was captured. Notice how the parents are color coordinated as are the children. Uggg, at least we didn't match perfectly as was the case all too often. This time daddy is getting the nasty glasses award but mom still has that look of joy:-) I was probably 3 or 4 here.
This little gem was taken outside of a private country club that my entire family used to work at. By the terrible dress on my sister I can tell you it was my cousin Debbie's wedding round about 1983. I wore that dress to my preschool photo day so I had to have been 4 or 5 here. Mom's joy is all over this one too. Oh, and shout out to my sis on those glasses!
Now this is where things really started to go wrong in the 80's. Dad's glasses with leisure suit are a bit much. Mama's femullet coupled with those beautiful 1980 style shoes really make her stand out. My sister, well, where do I begin? The hair? The braces? The dress?????? I hate to say it but my hateful glare is the most inviting thing in this here photo. Terrible dress. I hated that haircut and what is with the black shoes with a white dress and tights? Clearly mother's fashion was never top notch. Taken in our living room at 1644 Muegge Road, before we took out the horrible 1970's green shag carpet. Oh, yeah. You are jealous.
This final shot was taken at the beginning of the end. My sister was in some Young-Miss-Something pageant in Kansas City. She wanted to be an attorney and this was taken outside of KU's Law School in early 1991. I would imagine this is the last photo taken of the family prior to divorce as it was just a few months later. You can see the fake joy that my father, sister and I have mastered. Mom is not even playing games anymore so her misery is evident.
Knowing my parents as I do today I sometimes look back and wonder how they were ever married for 21 years. We all probably could have done without the last 6 or so, give or take. It has taken growing up and learning my own life lessons to see how much they sacrificed to keep our family together for as long as it was. I am glad that they are both happier and healthier people in their new relationships. I love and respect their partners as well as the extended and sometimes messed up family that came with them. I will, however, never forget that this original Crosby Clan is where I come from. This is my history.
I think the picture below was taken outside of Joe Patty's Restaurant in Pensecola, Florida. I would guestimate myself at about 18 months.
This next one shows the joy in my parents relationship. You see it...all over mama's face. LOL. Loving dad's hat and mom's glasses! Clearly taken at a summer fun party at our old house: 404 Jungerman Road...way back when Jungerman was a 2 lane road! I would say I was 2 or a little older.
I am not quite sure where this next beauty was captured. Notice how the parents are color coordinated as are the children. Uggg, at least we didn't match perfectly as was the case all too often. This time daddy is getting the nasty glasses award but mom still has that look of joy:-) I was probably 3 or 4 here.
This little gem was taken outside of a private country club that my entire family used to work at. By the terrible dress on my sister I can tell you it was my cousin Debbie's wedding round about 1983. I wore that dress to my preschool photo day so I had to have been 4 or 5 here. Mom's joy is all over this one too. Oh, and shout out to my sis on those glasses!
Now this is where things really started to go wrong in the 80's. Dad's glasses with leisure suit are a bit much. Mama's femullet coupled with those beautiful 1980 style shoes really make her stand out. My sister, well, where do I begin? The hair? The braces? The dress?????? I hate to say it but my hateful glare is the most inviting thing in this here photo. Terrible dress. I hated that haircut and what is with the black shoes with a white dress and tights? Clearly mother's fashion was never top notch. Taken in our living room at 1644 Muegge Road, before we took out the horrible 1970's green shag carpet. Oh, yeah. You are jealous.
This final shot was taken at the beginning of the end. My sister was in some Young-Miss-Something pageant in Kansas City. She wanted to be an attorney and this was taken outside of KU's Law School in early 1991. I would imagine this is the last photo taken of the family prior to divorce as it was just a few months later. You can see the fake joy that my father, sister and I have mastered. Mom is not even playing games anymore so her misery is evident.
Knowing my parents as I do today I sometimes look back and wonder how they were ever married for 21 years. We all probably could have done without the last 6 or so, give or take. It has taken growing up and learning my own life lessons to see how much they sacrificed to keep our family together for as long as it was. I am glad that they are both happier and healthier people in their new relationships. I love and respect their partners as well as the extended and sometimes messed up family that came with them. I will, however, never forget that this original Crosby Clan is where I come from. This is my history.Monday, July 6, 2009
"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." Frank A. Clark
I will start with a quick recap on the Independence Day weekend and then onto today’s topic. I was off Friday and Dan worked. I went to his aunt and uncle’s pool and then went home to clean. I had a nice chill day, ½ cleaning and ½ fucking off at home. Saturday Dan was off all day. We made a slow start of it, both doing our own thing in the morning. Then we had an afternoon nap and that night I made filet, scalloped potatoes and pork n’ beans. We rented 12 Rounds at my daddy’s suggestion. It was a good movie, action packed. I fell asleep on the couch at some point after the movie which is not uncommon. Sunday Dan worked all day again. His dad and step mom were coming in town that night so I had to get serious about cleaning house as it was a hot mess from not doing shit the past few weeks. We have 2 very large black labs that seem to shed a dog a day, plus the 7 year old that drops crayons, lego’s and stickers as she walks. I even found a few press on nails stuck in the carpet. I watched Gran Torino while I did some laundry. That might be a whole blog unto itself. Powerful movie but I don’t want to give anything away. I will think on that and get back to you. I got the entire house cleaned, including toilets and showers, which I despise! I was very proud of myself. Dan’s dad and step mom got in around 8. We chatted and watched New In Town and then they went to bed, as did I, around 11. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend and the much needed rest I was looking for. The parents are here all week so stay tuned for a ranting blog later:-)
And now onto my stress relief for this wonderful Monday afternoon, it is no big secret to any of you in the blogosphere or in my “real life” friendship circle that I have had some issues with a few friends recently. I would say the past year has been devastating to that aspect of my life. I have the unique situation of still being friends with many people from my past. My longest running friendship is 30 years with my girl, Manda. It is funny how new friendships can sprout from current ones. You meet a friend of a friend, you click and a new friendship is born. It is the evolution of friendships and relationships. What happens when you have 2 friends that hate one another though? I mean absolute distaste, dislike and contempt? Well, you try to point out the good points of the other and make those 2 people see that they are both good people despite their many differences.
About 2 years ago I was deep into a problem such as this. It was miserable and uncomfortable every step of the way. All I could think was that I didn’t understand how 2 people that I thought were so great could be so mean and hateful to one another. We are talking about people who have known each other for the better part of 10 years. It was hard to talk about one to the other because she always had some dig or pot-shot to add. At the time I was single and carefree. I had nothing but time to maintain my friendships and I worked very hard at balancing those that liked each other with those that didn’t. Perhaps this old ritual comes from my parents division of marital friendships. If 2 people can’t get along in my family, someone didn’t get invited or got ousted for being the outsider. My parents had 20+ year friendships together. In the end they decided who would get what friends and the lines were drawn. I found it hard to function around those people because I wasn’t sure how I would be received. I found these folks to be confused as well since they didn’t get a note declaring whom they were the chosen friend of. I even found myself, as I got older, getting upset after my own break-ups because my friends were still talking to my ex’s. This is stupid. It was stupid then and still is today. I was a child who had learned from my parents’ horrible example and unfortunately, I did not know better.
About the time these friends I speak of decided they could be in the same room together again, things started to shift. I found Dan and the love I was searching for. I was no longer the single girl who dropped everything and anything to be their friend and be there for them. Looking back, most of our friendship was me doing for them or being there for them even though they would probably tell you how selfish and inconsiderate I was. At least, that is what they told me. I digress. I started living my own life, by my terms and these folks didn’t like it. You see, they knew me better than I knew myself and they weren’t going to let me forget that this “was not who I used to be”. And thank God for it, is what I thought but they didn’t seem to agree. At this point we didn’t agree on much so this isn’t really the huge shocker. This story gets interesting. Remember those 2 friends that couldn’t stand each other and did nothing but backstab and talk shit about one another? Well, they quickly became BFF’s. I guess they had the common thread of complaining about my happiness to hold them together now. As I was embarking on one of the greatest times in my life, these 2 people, who used to be the closest to me, were plotting my demise together. They individually judged me and my choices for months; both to my face and behind my back. Because I thought they were my friends and they loved me, I willingly took it. I even questioned myself and my decisions because if these people who were so important in my life could finally come together out of all of their hate and show concern for me, it must be warranted, right? I never once stopped to think about the way in which they had originally torn one another apart. Why was I surprised when they joined forces against me then?
I went on thinking for a long time that I must have somehow deserved it. I got nothing but criticism, lack of understanding and judgment from them. Nothing I did was good enough. For months I continued to question myself, my relationship and my friendships with them until that golden moment came. It was the ultimate betrayal for me; something that can’t be taken back, apologized for or gotten past. I never thought in a million years that ANYTHING could happen to change the way I felt about these 2 people that had been so important to my life up until that very moment. I was not prepared for their malice, deceit or the pain that came with it. It was worse than the month I spent without Dan. Worse than the 2 years that I didn’t talk to my dad. I truly thought my girls were my girls for life. No matter who else traveled in and out of our lives…we would always have each other. I had no idea how wrong I was about these particular people. It was a complete and deafening blow.
This was a defining moment in my life, which is why I write of it now. I put so much stock into what others were thinking. I valued opinions but too much. When Dan came into my life it was the first time EVER that I said “I don’t care what you think”. I said that to my friends, my dad and my entire circle of family and friends. Before when I dated someone I would take them to my friends and my dad for approval first. My years of being single taught me that what I think is what is important. I knew that I loved Dan before I even told any of them. I didn’t ask for their opinion or approval because I didn’t need it. I was judged for that too. Eventually all of this condemnation became too much for me to handle. Then lies were spread not just to friends and acquaintances but to my family. Take a minute to let that really sink in…their lies made it to my family and not through the grapevine but through the knife in my back…a direct hit. They actually went to my family and told them lies about me, my life and my boyfriend. I would have never thought in a million years that people that I loved so much could intentionally hurt me so badly. As a Scorpio, my first thought was to lash out for revenge. But then as all Scorpio’s know, Revenge is a dish best served cold…which means we wait for the perfect opportunity. In this case, I have decided that the revenge came before the severing of the relationship. Inner demons are the worst. While I believe that the attack on my character and my relationship were personal, I don’t believe the doer’s had any idea how much they were attacking themselves. True character is shown in times of duress. I realized that the mean, hateful and nasty things they had said to and about me in the 6 months prior was exactly what they had become. While I was busy living my life and being happy they were digging themselves deeper into self loathing, which always makes you lash out at others. It makes you despise their happiness and want to ruin it at any cost. That is exactly what happened here. The hate they were projecting started to eat away at them. Once my eyes opened I saw things that I was too stupid or blinded to see before about our relationships. This is what Dr. Phil refers to as an Aaaaahaaaaa moment.
It took some time to break old habits. These were 2 people that I spoke to on a daily basis. Over time I have realized that there is a lot less negativity and judgment in my life without them. Taking a step back helped me realize that they had been surface friends for longer than I would have liked to admit. They made me feel bad about myself and my decisions. Not because I thought my decisions were bad but because they did. I thought having someone to bounce ideas off of and help you find direction was good but when that person is headed down it is hard for them to help you up. I look back at all of the ways that I doubted myself because of someone else’s doubt. I don’t blame them for what happened. I take full responsibility for my own actions. I allowed other people to make me feel less about myself based on their opinions. I can honestly say I will never do that again. I know that other people’s opinions will never mean that much to me and they never should have to start with. This was a huge life lesson to me.
I know I am a much happier and more grounded individual without hateful/judgmental influences or “friends” that bring me down. In place of that void in my life, very many remarkable people have entered. I am so grateful for those positive influences. I do finally have levelheaded people with which I can discuss my feelings in a way less harsh setting. My relationship with Dan has been positively affected in that he is the one I talk to most about daily worries. If it is him that I need to talk about then I have neutral, respectful, loving people without hate or distrust of Dan to discuss that with. I feel like a much more grounded person and finally like an adult. I also feel like this is something I should have learned in grade school. If people don’t agree with you or your decisions or they just don’t like you, fuck ‘em. The only thing that matters in this life is what you think of you, your decisions and your relationships. Anyone who feels the need to judge others needs to take a long hard look at their own life before they do so. I truly feel as if a burden has been lifted!
This also works in the reverse. I see now why people make decisions that I think are not smart or well thought out. It might not make sense to me but it is what makes sense to them and that is all that matters. I can’t say that I haven’t judged in the past but looking forward I know I will be a better person, friend and lover because of these experiences. All things do work out as they were meant to. I firmly believe in that. I couldn’t be happier about the outcome or the positive things that have come my way from making changes within myself and my life. That is where true growth comes from, within.
And now onto my stress relief for this wonderful Monday afternoon, it is no big secret to any of you in the blogosphere or in my “real life” friendship circle that I have had some issues with a few friends recently. I would say the past year has been devastating to that aspect of my life. I have the unique situation of still being friends with many people from my past. My longest running friendship is 30 years with my girl, Manda. It is funny how new friendships can sprout from current ones. You meet a friend of a friend, you click and a new friendship is born. It is the evolution of friendships and relationships. What happens when you have 2 friends that hate one another though? I mean absolute distaste, dislike and contempt? Well, you try to point out the good points of the other and make those 2 people see that they are both good people despite their many differences.
About 2 years ago I was deep into a problem such as this. It was miserable and uncomfortable every step of the way. All I could think was that I didn’t understand how 2 people that I thought were so great could be so mean and hateful to one another. We are talking about people who have known each other for the better part of 10 years. It was hard to talk about one to the other because she always had some dig or pot-shot to add. At the time I was single and carefree. I had nothing but time to maintain my friendships and I worked very hard at balancing those that liked each other with those that didn’t. Perhaps this old ritual comes from my parents division of marital friendships. If 2 people can’t get along in my family, someone didn’t get invited or got ousted for being the outsider. My parents had 20+ year friendships together. In the end they decided who would get what friends and the lines were drawn. I found it hard to function around those people because I wasn’t sure how I would be received. I found these folks to be confused as well since they didn’t get a note declaring whom they were the chosen friend of. I even found myself, as I got older, getting upset after my own break-ups because my friends were still talking to my ex’s. This is stupid. It was stupid then and still is today. I was a child who had learned from my parents’ horrible example and unfortunately, I did not know better.
About the time these friends I speak of decided they could be in the same room together again, things started to shift. I found Dan and the love I was searching for. I was no longer the single girl who dropped everything and anything to be their friend and be there for them. Looking back, most of our friendship was me doing for them or being there for them even though they would probably tell you how selfish and inconsiderate I was. At least, that is what they told me. I digress. I started living my own life, by my terms and these folks didn’t like it. You see, they knew me better than I knew myself and they weren’t going to let me forget that this “was not who I used to be”. And thank God for it, is what I thought but they didn’t seem to agree. At this point we didn’t agree on much so this isn’t really the huge shocker. This story gets interesting. Remember those 2 friends that couldn’t stand each other and did nothing but backstab and talk shit about one another? Well, they quickly became BFF’s. I guess they had the common thread of complaining about my happiness to hold them together now. As I was embarking on one of the greatest times in my life, these 2 people, who used to be the closest to me, were plotting my demise together. They individually judged me and my choices for months; both to my face and behind my back. Because I thought they were my friends and they loved me, I willingly took it. I even questioned myself and my decisions because if these people who were so important in my life could finally come together out of all of their hate and show concern for me, it must be warranted, right? I never once stopped to think about the way in which they had originally torn one another apart. Why was I surprised when they joined forces against me then?
I went on thinking for a long time that I must have somehow deserved it. I got nothing but criticism, lack of understanding and judgment from them. Nothing I did was good enough. For months I continued to question myself, my relationship and my friendships with them until that golden moment came. It was the ultimate betrayal for me; something that can’t be taken back, apologized for or gotten past. I never thought in a million years that ANYTHING could happen to change the way I felt about these 2 people that had been so important to my life up until that very moment. I was not prepared for their malice, deceit or the pain that came with it. It was worse than the month I spent without Dan. Worse than the 2 years that I didn’t talk to my dad. I truly thought my girls were my girls for life. No matter who else traveled in and out of our lives…we would always have each other. I had no idea how wrong I was about these particular people. It was a complete and deafening blow.
This was a defining moment in my life, which is why I write of it now. I put so much stock into what others were thinking. I valued opinions but too much. When Dan came into my life it was the first time EVER that I said “I don’t care what you think”. I said that to my friends, my dad and my entire circle of family and friends. Before when I dated someone I would take them to my friends and my dad for approval first. My years of being single taught me that what I think is what is important. I knew that I loved Dan before I even told any of them. I didn’t ask for their opinion or approval because I didn’t need it. I was judged for that too. Eventually all of this condemnation became too much for me to handle. Then lies were spread not just to friends and acquaintances but to my family. Take a minute to let that really sink in…their lies made it to my family and not through the grapevine but through the knife in my back…a direct hit. They actually went to my family and told them lies about me, my life and my boyfriend. I would have never thought in a million years that people that I loved so much could intentionally hurt me so badly. As a Scorpio, my first thought was to lash out for revenge. But then as all Scorpio’s know, Revenge is a dish best served cold…which means we wait for the perfect opportunity. In this case, I have decided that the revenge came before the severing of the relationship. Inner demons are the worst. While I believe that the attack on my character and my relationship were personal, I don’t believe the doer’s had any idea how much they were attacking themselves. True character is shown in times of duress. I realized that the mean, hateful and nasty things they had said to and about me in the 6 months prior was exactly what they had become. While I was busy living my life and being happy they were digging themselves deeper into self loathing, which always makes you lash out at others. It makes you despise their happiness and want to ruin it at any cost. That is exactly what happened here. The hate they were projecting started to eat away at them. Once my eyes opened I saw things that I was too stupid or blinded to see before about our relationships. This is what Dr. Phil refers to as an Aaaaahaaaaa moment.
It took some time to break old habits. These were 2 people that I spoke to on a daily basis. Over time I have realized that there is a lot less negativity and judgment in my life without them. Taking a step back helped me realize that they had been surface friends for longer than I would have liked to admit. They made me feel bad about myself and my decisions. Not because I thought my decisions were bad but because they did. I thought having someone to bounce ideas off of and help you find direction was good but when that person is headed down it is hard for them to help you up. I look back at all of the ways that I doubted myself because of someone else’s doubt. I don’t blame them for what happened. I take full responsibility for my own actions. I allowed other people to make me feel less about myself based on their opinions. I can honestly say I will never do that again. I know that other people’s opinions will never mean that much to me and they never should have to start with. This was a huge life lesson to me.
I know I am a much happier and more grounded individual without hateful/judgmental influences or “friends” that bring me down. In place of that void in my life, very many remarkable people have entered. I am so grateful for those positive influences. I do finally have levelheaded people with which I can discuss my feelings in a way less harsh setting. My relationship with Dan has been positively affected in that he is the one I talk to most about daily worries. If it is him that I need to talk about then I have neutral, respectful, loving people without hate or distrust of Dan to discuss that with. I feel like a much more grounded person and finally like an adult. I also feel like this is something I should have learned in grade school. If people don’t agree with you or your decisions or they just don’t like you, fuck ‘em. The only thing that matters in this life is what you think of you, your decisions and your relationships. Anyone who feels the need to judge others needs to take a long hard look at their own life before they do so. I truly feel as if a burden has been lifted!
This also works in the reverse. I see now why people make decisions that I think are not smart or well thought out. It might not make sense to me but it is what makes sense to them and that is all that matters. I can’t say that I haven’t judged in the past but looking forward I know I will be a better person, friend and lover because of these experiences. All things do work out as they were meant to. I firmly believe in that. I couldn’t be happier about the outcome or the positive things that have come my way from making changes within myself and my life. That is where true growth comes from, within.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Rainbow Lounge Raid
This one has set my insides on FIRE and I need to blog it out FAST!!! This week was the 40th Anniversary of the Stonewall Inn Riots. As a tribute to the violence and hate of that time, a few Fort Worth, Texas police officers took matters into their own hands in an effort to recreate those events. In what the officers are calling a “routine inspection” of a local Fort Worth gay bar called the Rainbow Lounge, officers descended upon and created havoc inside of the bar. The officers claim that the patrons of the bar made sexual advances towards them and therefore were restrained.
A 26 year old bar patron named Chad Gibson was brutally beaten. He remains in intensive care with extensive brain injuries due to this incident. So if he assaulted a police officer, which is the claim, why was he not arrested? Instead he was brutally beaten to the point of a massive head injury.
Chad Gibson
Fort Worth Police Chief, Jeff Halstead had this to say:
"You're touched and advanced in certain ways by people inside the bar, that's offensive," he said. "I'm happy with the restraint used when they were contacted like that."
And that translates to: "Them faggots in that thar bar touched mah officers and now they're complainin' about some rough stuff and one little ol' faggot with a brain injury? Those perverts should be grateful they're alive." ---courtesy of SLOG 6/30/09 written by Dan Savage of Savage Love
A few first hand accounts from other bar patrons:
"They were hyped up. They were loaded for bear," said Todd Camp, a veteran journalist who was there celebrating his birthday with friends. "They were just randomly grabbing people, telling them they were drunk."
Camp told me he has been in bars during TABC/police "checks" before, "and it was never anything like this." Usually, he said, officers discreetly walk through, looking for anybody who has had too much. This was different. "They were shoving patrons," Camp said, "asking, 'How much have you had to drink?'"
...
"[Gibson] was taken down hard," said Camp, with "four or five" officers wrestling him to the floor inside the club. Cell phone photos shot by patrons and posted to blogs show a person being held facedown by officers in a short hallway inside the club, then show a dent in the wall where his head was apparently banged.
Bar owner, J.R. Schrock:
"The groping of the police officer—really? We're gay, but we're not dumb," Schrock said to the crowd that gathered at the bar Sunday afternoon. "That is a lie, and I am appalled by it."
I have been struggling with this news for the last 5 days. Today I was reading SLOG, Dan Savage’s blog and he gives the e-mail addresses for Fort Worth’s local elected officials. I have attached my e-mail to them for your pleasure. If you agree with me, send a shout out of your own. We have to take a stand if we are going to see equality prevail.
mike.moncrief@fortworthgov.org
District7@fortworthgov.org
District6@fortworthgov.org
District5@fortworthgov.org
District4@fortworthgov.org
District3@fortworthgov.org
Subject: Shocked and appalled
Which one of you is going to take a stand for Chad Gibson? Police brutality is a sick and twisted element of why our judicial system has been on a downward spiral for a long time. I hope that every politician in Fort Worth is not a backwards bigot but I am hard pressed to find people willing to stand up for something that is a violation everything this country stands for. With a police chief that condones the unnecessary beating of innocent people, how do you expect the citizens of Fort Worth to feel safe?
"You're touched and advanced in certain ways by people inside the bar, that's offensive," he said. "I'm happy with the restraint used when they were contacted like that."-----Chief of Police Jeff Halstead (this man should be fired immediately)
I am not just speaking of gay citizens but everyone in the City of Fort Worth. I don't see proof of the inappropriate touching that these officers spoke of but I do see proof of police brutality. There is video, photo and journalistic proof that this was not your run-of-the-mill "inspection". That is not "restraint" as quoted by your chief of police. That is brutality pure and simple. If Chad Gibson assaulted a police officer, why was he not cuffed and charged? Instead he clings to life with blood on his brain because the police officers that represent your fine city feel like it is OK to beat people senseless because of their sexual orientation. I am sad for Forth Worth and politicians such as your self. I hope the entire country stands up to take notice of the injustice that you have allowed in your town. Not one of you has been strong enough to take a stand. I hope that an example is made of you and your fine little city, most of all your bigot police chief. I truly hope your mothers feel shame for the people they have put on this earth; people who can stand by and let injustice take place; people who clearly don't value human life or the rights of each individual in this country to be who and what they are. I hope that the gay community shames your city into action. Your actions, or rather inaction, should show us all that this country has a long way to go to equality for all people. That road begins with our elected officials and their ability to lead and set an example for what is right. You have failed miserably at your job. I can only hope that someday you find compassion in your heart and you are able to forgive yourself for this complete lack of responsibility and honor. I also hope that Chad Gibson recovers fully and sues the shit out of the City of Fort Worth. I will be making a donation to Chad Gibson’s legal team. I do hope your time as a representative of Fort Worth and the great state of Texas is short and that someday you see the error in your ways and the hate that lives in your heart. You can always step up and do the right thing. Any one of you can do it today. I wish to see your police chief relieved of his duties immediately and reprimands put on all of the officers involved in this senseless tragedy. At the very least, you owe the people of your city an investigation and a heartfelt apology for your inaction and lack of compassion. I hope that one of you has the strength to make this right.
Respectfully,
Toni Crosby
Gay Lover/Friend/Advocate
A 26 year old bar patron named Chad Gibson was brutally beaten. He remains in intensive care with extensive brain injuries due to this incident. So if he assaulted a police officer, which is the claim, why was he not arrested? Instead he was brutally beaten to the point of a massive head injury.
Chad Gibson
Fort Worth Police Chief, Jeff Halstead had this to say:
"You're touched and advanced in certain ways by people inside the bar, that's offensive," he said. "I'm happy with the restraint used when they were contacted like that."
And that translates to: "Them faggots in that thar bar touched mah officers and now they're complainin' about some rough stuff and one little ol' faggot with a brain injury? Those perverts should be grateful they're alive." ---courtesy of SLOG 6/30/09 written by Dan Savage of Savage Love
A few first hand accounts from other bar patrons:
"They were hyped up. They were loaded for bear," said Todd Camp, a veteran journalist who was there celebrating his birthday with friends. "They were just randomly grabbing people, telling them they were drunk."
Camp told me he has been in bars during TABC/police "checks" before, "and it was never anything like this." Usually, he said, officers discreetly walk through, looking for anybody who has had too much. This was different. "They were shoving patrons," Camp said, "asking, 'How much have you had to drink?'"
...
"[Gibson] was taken down hard," said Camp, with "four or five" officers wrestling him to the floor inside the club. Cell phone photos shot by patrons and posted to blogs show a person being held facedown by officers in a short hallway inside the club, then show a dent in the wall where his head was apparently banged.
Bar owner, J.R. Schrock:
"The groping of the police officer—really? We're gay, but we're not dumb," Schrock said to the crowd that gathered at the bar Sunday afternoon. "That is a lie, and I am appalled by it."
I have been struggling with this news for the last 5 days. Today I was reading SLOG, Dan Savage’s blog and he gives the e-mail addresses for Fort Worth’s local elected officials. I have attached my e-mail to them for your pleasure. If you agree with me, send a shout out of your own. We have to take a stand if we are going to see equality prevail.
mike.moncrief@fortworthgov.org
District7@fortworthgov.org
District6@fortworthgov.org
District5@fortworthgov.org
District4@fortworthgov.org
District3@fortworthgov.org
Subject: Shocked and appalled
Which one of you is going to take a stand for Chad Gibson? Police brutality is a sick and twisted element of why our judicial system has been on a downward spiral for a long time. I hope that every politician in Fort Worth is not a backwards bigot but I am hard pressed to find people willing to stand up for something that is a violation everything this country stands for. With a police chief that condones the unnecessary beating of innocent people, how do you expect the citizens of Fort Worth to feel safe?
"You're touched and advanced in certain ways by people inside the bar, that's offensive," he said. "I'm happy with the restraint used when they were contacted like that."-----Chief of Police Jeff Halstead (this man should be fired immediately)
I am not just speaking of gay citizens but everyone in the City of Fort Worth. I don't see proof of the inappropriate touching that these officers spoke of but I do see proof of police brutality. There is video, photo and journalistic proof that this was not your run-of-the-mill "inspection". That is not "restraint" as quoted by your chief of police. That is brutality pure and simple. If Chad Gibson assaulted a police officer, why was he not cuffed and charged? Instead he clings to life with blood on his brain because the police officers that represent your fine city feel like it is OK to beat people senseless because of their sexual orientation. I am sad for Forth Worth and politicians such as your self. I hope the entire country stands up to take notice of the injustice that you have allowed in your town. Not one of you has been strong enough to take a stand. I hope that an example is made of you and your fine little city, most of all your bigot police chief. I truly hope your mothers feel shame for the people they have put on this earth; people who can stand by and let injustice take place; people who clearly don't value human life or the rights of each individual in this country to be who and what they are. I hope that the gay community shames your city into action. Your actions, or rather inaction, should show us all that this country has a long way to go to equality for all people. That road begins with our elected officials and their ability to lead and set an example for what is right. You have failed miserably at your job. I can only hope that someday you find compassion in your heart and you are able to forgive yourself for this complete lack of responsibility and honor. I also hope that Chad Gibson recovers fully and sues the shit out of the City of Fort Worth. I will be making a donation to Chad Gibson’s legal team. I do hope your time as a representative of Fort Worth and the great state of Texas is short and that someday you see the error in your ways and the hate that lives in your heart. You can always step up and do the right thing. Any one of you can do it today. I wish to see your police chief relieved of his duties immediately and reprimands put on all of the officers involved in this senseless tragedy. At the very least, you owe the people of your city an investigation and a heartfelt apology for your inaction and lack of compassion. I hope that one of you has the strength to make this right.
Respectfully,
Toni Crosby
Gay Lover/Friend/Advocate
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Way Back Wednesday...Michael addition
It seems only fitting that this week's edition of Way Back Wednesday be a tribute to the King of Pop. I must admit that Michael started doing his thing long before I was a twinkle in my daddy's eye. My sister had a few posters in her childhood room of Michael. My father was not very pleased. He didn't feel like Michael was a true musician. In his opinion an artist can't be judged for their musical talent until they have been around for 20 years or more. Obviously, Michael, Prince and Madonna were only about 20 years old at the time, rendering that feat completely impossible. I think that with 20+ years to judge we can safely say that Michael was, is and always will be an icon, an idol and an inspiration to many.
I never believed in the molestation rumors that wouldn't died. Still after all that this man accomplished in his life, all of the people he helped; people insist on focusing on accusations and negative press. I think Michael lost his own childhood and he never wanted another child to experience that feeling. He befriended child stars such as Brooke Shields, Corey Feldman and MacCaulay Culkin BECAUSE he identified with their loss of normalcy. Obviously I have a lot of love in my heart for the gloved one. I feel like he led a very difficult life, one that could probably only be compared to Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles. That kind of fame/celebrity takes it's toll. Look at Britney and Lindsay...hell, those bitches aren't even that famous. So here is to Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009) and the many past and future memories rockin' to his beats.
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