Friday, November 20, 2009

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning" Louis L'Amour

I have not been blogging lately and for that I do apologize. My mind has been racing these past few weeks with so many unknowns, heartbreak and fear which I hate. Today marks 2 weeks since the big bad break up. He has been down and depressed for quite some time (if not year-round) and has taken to his man cave for the past few months. Some of you might recall our split last year at almost the exact same time. At that time I knew less about him and was devastated that he just dropped out of my life completely. This time, sadly, I saw it coming. I tried to talk to him and point out the warning signs that I was seeing. At first he admitted to sadness and said he was working on it. Then he was frustrated with me for bringing it up and ultimately he did not have a problem, I did. Just great.
It is not just me that he has disconnected from it is really his entire life. He hasn’t called back his mom who lost her job recently and is understandably freaking out. His aunt and uncle called me this week to “see if you all are still alive”. I had to call them back and break the news that Dan is in the cave and I am moving out. Everyone that knows and loves him says he does this every year. He checks out for a few months and then comes back expecting things to be fine. Things are not fine! They will not be fine! It was so hard for me to let go of the pain of breaking up last year and to trust him with my heart again. It was not a decision that I took lightly. We made promises to each other, one of which was to not let this happen again.
I have never known anyone that could so completely shut people out like he can. We live together and we haven’t spoken in weeks. It has been almost a month since I talked and he just sat there all dead inside and didn’t say anything. I guess you would say that was our last “conversation” if you can call it that. He didn’t get PB 2 weeks ago when he was supposed to. He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday after having broken up just a few days before my big day (and almost 2 years together). He hasn’t done anything but work and sleep in months.
I am scared for him and his mental and physical health. I am heartbroken and destroyed but that doesn’t mean I can just not care for him anymore. (Boy, do I wish I could?) I know this isn’t the man I fell in love with. I know this is not who he wants to be. He has thrown himself into his work as he usually does. 24 hour shifts then he picks up overtime and ends up working 48 hours straight. Plus he teaches the EMT class 2 nights a week. He has not been home AT ALL.
Everyone keeps asking if there is someone else. I honestly wish there was because that would make this so much easier. He is so mentally out of it that there is no possible way he could handle a relationship, courting or dating. I don’t even think sex is an option as low as he has gone. Plus I know he has been working. He has tried to put the blame on me out of his anger. Last time that worked because I was in love, I didn’t understand and I wanted to help him. Now I know that this problem is his and his alone. I have spent the better part of the last year trying to help him or get him help. I realize now that you can’t help someone who does not want to help themselves. No matter how much I love him, PB or his entire family; I have to let them go. The past 2 weeks have been filled with thoughts of where to go, what to do and how to keep myself from the pits of despair. My first thought was to pack my stuff and go immediately but I really need to think about what is going to be best for me here. There is a lot to consider and I am not taking this decision lightly.
As hurt, frustrated and pissed off as I am, this situation is what it is. I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. It literally kills my heart to think about PB and saying goodbye. The dogs have become such great friends and now they will be separated again. The man I thought was “the one” has turned out to be a cowardly lion. He won’t speak at all. There will be no closure from his end. Again I am left with questions, assumptions and hurt.
I know there is a great love out there for me. I am not going to let this situation harden my heart to finding it. I learned so much about myself and my capacity to love and accept love in this relationship. I learned more about what I do and don’t want, what I will and won’t put up with and the things I know that I REQUIRE to be happy. I am mending my heart and looking forward to a future that is all my own again. I am looking into working out finances and getting enrolled into school as that is something that I have been talking about but not doing anything about for quite some time. CL (cowardly lion, as he will now be known) and PB were a great distraction from the things that I needed to take care of in my own life. I don’t blame them as it was my choice to make them my priority; silly me trying to build a life together and all. But alas; promises were broken, agreements are null and void and I am back to worrying about #1. I was very happy single before CL came along and I will be again. The next guy who wants to sweep this girl off of her feet is really going to need to bring it!


  1. I hope youre doing ok. and get through this :(

    you're in my thoughts.

  2. Thanks. I think I am doing great so far. It is awesome to know my blogger buddies think of me;-)