Sunday, April 4, 2010

Greener pastures?

There is that old saying; you know "they" say whoever they are, that the grass is always greener on the other side. I have experienced envy in my life so I do understand this concept completely. However, it no longer applies here for some reason. Maybe with age has come wisdom but I can now see both the struggles and triumphs for most situations. I know this is shocking to those of you who don't know me IRL but I was a relationship girl up until my early 20's. From junior high through high school and beyond, I was always jumping from relationship to relationship. Not learning much about myself in between. After years of off and on with Sam, I decided to take a break. It was SO hard at first. I was used to having someone there all of the time and then there was no one. I was lonely, sad, mad and confused. I realized that I wrapped myself up in those other people and their lives as I jumped from relationship to relationship to keep filling the void left by the preceding mate. Once I really became one with singlehood I started to see the benefits of it. I do what I want, when I want. I don't consider anyone else's thoughts, wants, needs or opinions. If I don't want to do something, I don't. There is no guilt, sadness or pressure from someone else. I used to look at other couples during my single time and sort of covet what they had. Once you look a bit deeper you see what they truly have and unfortunately a lot of the time that leaves me wanting. A lot of people are downright miserable. Most relationships are an example of what I do NOT want or would never put up with. The grass is not greener in this case. It is actually a dying muddy pit. I know that when the right person comes along I will want to give up my single life to make a life with them. I see good relationships and I won't settle for less.

I do know many great marriages as well. My friend, Anna, has a fantastic husband. I do not envy. I do not covet. But I am making a list. Yes, a list, qualities in my future husband. Anna's husband, N, is my example of how I want to be treated. For her 30th birthday he bought her 30 gifts and didn't stop there. He made a fun game where you throw duck's (leftover from the Christmas duck pond) into numbered plastic solo cups. Whatever number you hit, you got to give Anna the corresponding gift. Everyone got to play when they came in. It kept the party exciting as there was a new gift with each arrival. It wasn't huge stuff that he bought (there were 30 gifts!) but they were thoughtful things that she likes like chocolate, little gift cards and coupons for home cooked meals. That is what I want. Like I said though, I am not jealous. I am elated for Anna that she found such a great man. I have known her since grade school and I don't know many people who deserve happiness as much as she does. I have told her before how great her husband is and that his qualities made my list. I am sure she is proud.

My friend Laura's hubby, Joe, is also Aces in my book. Joe makes my list because of his patience. I want a man who does not freak out when I freak out and Joe is stellar at this. He is patient, calm and loving most of the time. He has his moments as we all do but for the most part Joe is the calm in the storm. He loves Laura and their baby more than life. He is just a great guy all around and it warms my heart to see their little family coming together. These are not the only happy marriages I know, just 2 of the top qualities on my list for my future mate. I could make pages and pages of lists of what I don't want and many friends husbands fit in there too. I will not name them (although I would love to, F'n POS's).

The grass is still not greener to me. I love these girls and their husbands but I am perfectly content where I am. Perhaps it is because I see so many unhappy relationships that I feel this way. I was forcing things with CL and I am not surprised it didn't work. I know many people who are forcing relationships/marriage with the wrong people and they are having disastrous results. You know who they are. Everyone has them. I have seen both sides of this pasture and I can assure you the grass is indeed greener my way.

Babies, kids and teens are the same. I know women whose uterus is just aching for a child. I am not one of them. It is not secret that motherhood scares the shit out of me. It would be the biggest challenge of my life, should I choose to accept it. I love my little mommy friends. I have friends who had kids young and now have teenagers. I am not speaking of anyone specifically here so don't ask me who but most people seem more worried about their own party lives than what their teens are up to. They are in their early 30's. They missed out on childhood because they were raising children and now they want what they want. I want to be engaged in my kids and if that means waiting until I am ready, so be it. Other pals have little bitty babies up to grade school age. They don't sleep, they are up to their elbows in poop and they sometimes have a hard time switching from baby talk to talking to another adult. They say they are overjoyed by motherhood and I know some of them are. Some people were just meant to be mommies. Others do nothing but complain, all the while talking about what a joy it is, absolutely no green grass there. I sleep through the night every night. I can take a nap midday if I feel the need. I go and do what I want, when I want, without toting a baby, baby seat, stroller, diaper bag and the kitchen sink. I do not envy these people. I do not covet their lives. There are times that I just want to dial the psychiatric hotline, take the baby and hand them the phone:-)

Anyhoo, many people think that by 31 you should be married, have children and be on your way to Pleasantville. I am happy with my life. This is my path. My parents scared the shit out of me about having kids and my friends that are enjoying parenthood and doing it how it should be done are making that fade a bit. I see that there is a right and wrong way now. I have learned a lot from my little mommies. When the time comes I know I will be ready now. I am glad that I waited for the right time and hopefully the right person. I know this is not everyone's path. I am not judging those that had kids young. You will be young and free grandparents. I just chose to take my time early on and make sure of what I wanted and how to do it right. I don't feel as if I should or should not be any certain place by now. I am just where I was meant to be, over where the green grass grows:-) Happy Easter to you and yours today!


  1. Great post! I agree with everything you wrote. Happy Easter...and keep on keepin' on with the happy! :)

  2. Now Toni I am sure Howie made both your lists for good and bad, but you have to understand that with the good comes the bad and with the bad comes the good, I think that is why my parents are still together. Don't worry you won't miss out on anything with my family we all love you alot!!!!

  3. What a great post! I'm so happy that you see all the wonderful things about N too. Is he amazing, and I think it's helpful to know what you do and don't want. I'm happy for you and the path you are going down. There are things about being single that I miss too, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. The happiest people keep their green grass trimmed and pretty all year round!
    I hope you had a Happy Easter!