Nether War

I am so glad that I started this blog. It has only been 2 days and already I am wondering where I would have bitched all of this bb (before blog). This story really begins about 5 years ago. I was making a huge effort to clean up my life of toxins. I started eating completely different, taking way better care of my hair and skin; really making myself and my body a priority. I am a smoker and I am not likely to quit. I enjoy that toxin;-) I had been on birth control for the better part of 10 years at that point. Back in the 90’s BC was a GYN’s answer to everything. If you had irregular periods, iron deficiencies or a nose bleed, they put you on the pill. As time went on we heard more about the risks. I had an old doc that refused to prescribe the new seasonal pills because she said it wasn’t natural for a woman to not have a period. Medical research was not conclusive enough for her to explain where all of those un-expelled eggs would go. Her theory was that by skipping so many “cycles” your body could experience late menopause or issues in connection with too many leftover eggs. This made sense at the time. I was 25 and single, there was no way I was having unprotected sex so I opted to go off of the pill. Fast forward 2 years later and I wake up one day and I can’t pee…at all. After drinking gallons of water because I thought it was a bladder infection, my belly was distended like I was 6 months pregnant. I woke my sister who took one look at me and loaded me up in the car for a trip to the ER. A CAT scan revealed nothing so they did an internal ultrasound. If any of you have ever had one of these you understand what I mean when I say it is like masturbating in front of strangers. Essentially, that is exactly what it is. I digress. So they find a large mass on my ovary that will require surgery. By the time all was said and done I had 11 pounds worth of cyst and ovary removed and spent 5 days in the hospital. I gotta give a shout out to my girl Oxycodone here, without her I wouldn’t have made it through. I have a scar like I had a c-section but clearly no baby. I was told that 1 ovary would do me fine and I moved along to my 6 week recovery.

At the time of my surgery there was no follow-up care. No suggestions on why or how this came about or how to prevent it. A year or so later I went to see a dermatologist for the massive preteen pimples that I was still getting on my face. The dermatologist took one look at my medical history and diagnosed PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. One of the main side effects is ovarian cysts (check) and mongoid pimples (check, check). Her goal was to fix my face so she gave meds and that was that. I continued to see random docs (old lady retired on me) until this year when I decided that I had dropped the ball on my female health. Fear from the surgery had kept me from digging into my issues. So I got a new doc earlier this year who informed me that the best and most effective treatment for PCOS is continuous birth control. The hormones shrink the cysts while leveling out your highs and lows. We discussed my smoking and taking the pill. I have cut back and she is not overly concerned about that until age 35. She said my skin would benefit from the pill as well. I explained my issue with the hormones, yada, yada, yada. She explained that I am already hormonally imbalanced as that is what PCOS is. I also addressed my old docs concerns about wasted left-over eggs or early onset menopause.She had this whole story about that body knowing what it needs. So she prescribed BC for 3 months straight, then take a week off to allow a “cycle” and then do continuous again for 6 months. The goal is 2 periods a year. So now you see why I agreed to this ridiculous plan. 2 periods a year? I’ll take it.

A whole lot of mumbo jumbo later gets us to the point of this post. The point is today, the here and now. My uterus is under siege. Yesterday I finished my last pill in the first pack and today I will start a new pack as to be continuous. My body wants to cycle, really bad. There is a war going on in my nether regions and I don’t know who will win. Doc said this might happen. She also said I might be a raging crazy lunatic for the first few weeks (check, check and check). Poor Dan made a comment 2 nights ago that I was rather sensitive, silly boy. I was like “oh, really? You were all for the BC, all for being chalked full of hormones. What the hell? Now you don’t like it?” He was like uuuuuuhhhhhh, “I shouldn’t speak”. Perhaps he understands better than I thought. Anyhow, I am taking the weekend to chill with some girlfriends and accomplish some housework. I am sure Dan is eternally grateful that he is working all but 12 hours this weekend. I can see myself painting, building or destroying something:-) I will let you know how it turns out. Happy Friday and first day of May to all! And may your uterus not strike back.