One Way Ticket to Hell

I am working really hard lately at being honest and true to myself. Apparently this is a quest I started long ago. I went through some old e-mails yesterday in an attempt to find some old pictures I knew I had saved. I had also saved quite a few e-mails over the past 4 years or so. My final correspondence with an ex was there and so I read it wondering why I had saved it. After having read it I have to wonder a bit if I am not one of those people that purge any information I deem too damaging to my psyche. I don’t remember this e-mail correspondence, or the letter that he speaks of in it. I confirmed with a friend yesterday that he did in fact mail a letter that I did in face ignore. Let me give you the background before we really dig up my shame.

I started dating Sam in 2000 shortly after the break-up of my 4 year relationship/engagement. We were fast friends and really just enjoyed spending time together. Sam had a child, Sammy, who was about 2 when we met. Baby Mama left town for a job and never returned. He was really messed up about her taking his kid and him not having the means at the time to fight her. He was never quite whole after that. Sam was wild. His dad was in prison a good portion of his life so he was raised by his mom and sister. He was a very sensitive and caring guy until you hurt his feelings, then he was out to hurt you. We dated off and on for the next 5 years. We were toxic to one another but drawn together like magnets. I can think of 2 times that our fights escalated to physical violence and police intervention. To top off all of this drama we worked together and hung in the same social circle.

After one of our many splits in 2004 I moved to Colorado. I couldn’t find work and ultimately was offered a position back home so I moved back. Sam was devastated by my move. He actually called me in Colorado one day and said that he and 2 other friends were planning a trip to Amsterdam. He couldn’t think of anyone else in the world he would want to go with. He actually bought my ticket and I paid for the hotel for 9 glorious days. We acted couple-like, stayed together and probably got it on but we were really just friends at that point. For 2 years after Amsterdam we remained close friends. We talked about everything from family, work and other lovers at this point.

Sam’s birthday in 2006 we went out to a bar his sister worked at. All of our old friends were there and we both had a blast dancing and partying into the night. Sam was on and off with his most recent girl but she was not there for some reason. We closed the bar and then went back to his house with 20 or so close friends and continued to party until way into the night. I stayed over as the sun was coming up as we went to bed. I had slept over many times, in his bed, in the last 2 years without incident. I am sure you can guess the rest. I won’t blame the alcohol or copious amounts of cocaine (trying to be honest). It was all us and we were both all in. The next morning I did not feel good about myself. Although I knew his relationship wasn't “serious” I was still very much not proud of my behavior. It was a mistake. I thought we both knew that and could move on.

Unfortunately, I think Sam thought we were going to get back together. He kept telling me how much he loved me but he had hurt this other person he cared for too. I was the other woman and I felt dirty and shameful about it. The guilt of that made it hard to talk to him. This was not about his “relationship” so much as what I had done to another person. A person I did not know but it still rocked my world. So for a week or so after our get-drunk-and-screw moment we had these awkward conversations about how much he loved me and always had. He just needed time to work out his other situation. He even called one of my best friends’ and her then-boyfriend to get them all hopped up on us getting back together. The whole time I had doubt in my mind and my heart. I didn’t want to be back with him. I wanted our friendship. I had ruined any chance of that and I knew it so I cut him out. Much like Dan just cut me out. Irony? Karma?

So apparently he mailed a letter 6 months later. When he got no response, he sent this e-mail:

OK! This will be my last attempt to contact you. I want you to know that I'm human & nobody is perfect. I realize that I messed up... so I wrote you which I haven’t done to anyone since my father was in prison.) I got noresponse : ( Two weeks ago I was at {fellow Amsterdam travelers house} & we were talking about our trip two years ago and all I could think about was how there wasa missing piece to our stories... the missing piece was you. I understand our anger but life is too short to stay mad! I have been through a lot lately!Changed jobs, dad ill, custody of my son, etc etc etc! I'm probably moving soon and don't know where life will take me but when I saw you on the highway two days ago it made me smile, sad, and crazy if you couldn't tell by my riding! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.PS: I REALLY BELIEVE THAT IF YOU DIDN'T CARE YOU WOULD'T HAVE SPED UP TO ME WEDNESDAY. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AVICTIM OF BAD TIMING... TAKE CARE!

Ok, so nice enough, right? I don’t remember the letter. I sure don’t remember seeing him on the highway. It seems he sent the letter, and then he saw me so he followed up with the e-mail. I don’t remember being angry at him over the drunken sex but more myself. Maybe I was angry at him for trying to make a relationship out of it. I don’t remember but this was my response:

I am not sure what it is that you want from me. I didn’t respond to your letter because it seemed to be written only to make yourself feel better. It is very clear to me that you are still not genuinely sorry for anything.You need a friend and I have always been a good one to you. I would like tobe able to say that it is all good but it isn’t. I forgive you, if that is what you need. I, too, have been through many changes recently, all for the better. In the time after we stopped talking I realized that I wasn’t being true to myself and I was trying to make things happen that weren’t meant tobe. I take responsibility for my own actions and I don’t completely blame you for what happened between us. I understand that it takes two. I tried to be the best friend to you that I possibly could, despite the way that you treated me. You were not a good friend in return. I also tried my hardest to be what you wanted in a girlfriend. I can only imagine from the way that you treated and talked to me that it was not good enough for you. The last time we spoke you told me that I made you miserable and that everything that happened between us was my fault. I realized that day that it wasn’t me, it was you. You wanted me to feel guilty for what you were doing to someone else. That was the day that I recognized how I wasn’t listening to myself.I had been everything and nothing to you and none of it felt good to me anymore.That day I found my self-confidence and self worth again. I thank you forthat. I know when you think back on the old days you think of meand the ways that I was there for you. My constant support and encouragement were something that you could always count on. We even got to a point that you could discuss your relationships with others and daily struggles without the pressure of what used to be between us. That was my gift to you, truly releasing the past and being the best friend that I could to you. During those times, you routinely lied to me and treated me badly because of issues that you had, not because of anything that I had done to you. You didn’t support my decisions in life and mostly criticized what I did tell you. Then I started to hear all about the things that happened when we were together. There was a lot that I never discussed withyou out of respect for our friendship and not wanting to bring up past hurt. The summarization is that you pretty much cheated and lied the entire time we were together. From lying about where you were to sleeping with countless other people to hookers in Amsterdam…you covered it all. I don’t say any of this to bring up past hurt now but to make you understand that your picture looking back and my perception are quite different. What you got out of our time together and what I got are two totally different things. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot from you about what I don’t want and how I won’t allow myself to be treated anymore and I am thankful for it. The time with you will help me toalways follow my gut and trust in myself above all else. We know too many of the same people to not cross paths again in the future. I hear about you and I would imagine that you hear a good deal about me. I will be civilized to you, if and when I do see you. Not so much for you, as for me because you are right about one thing, life is too short to be angry. I am happy and hopeful about the future. I am finally moving beyond all of the hurt and turmoil and I am ready to love again with all of my heart. I am a much more positive person and am learning more eachday to live to the fullest without regret. I don’t hate you. I hate the things that you did to me and the lack of respect that you showed me but I allowed it all to happen so I can’t place all of the blame on you. All I can say is that from this day forward I will follow my heart and not hold back. I will be true to myself until the day I die and I will respect and treat others as I wish to be respected and treated. I hope that you can learn the value of that someday and I truly do hope that you get what you want and deserve out of this life.If you still feel the need to talk to me with all of that said, feel free to call. You know me, at least somewhat after all of this time. I amnot a hater....always a lover.

Always a lover, says the me of almost 3 years ago. I say I am not angry but I sure sound mad, don’t I? I talk a good talk there at the end about being true to myself but I made the same mistakes with CL as far as trying to make it into something it was not. This was a hugely eye opening experience for me, rereading this e-mail. I am not proud of the tone, judgment or hurtful things I had to say. Today, almost 3 years later, I can’t believe I actually composed this e-mail, let alone sent it to him. I know this is a shock but he responded again after that; twice. Here is the first:

I APPRECIATE YOU GIVING ME THE COURTESY OF A RESPONSE. I HAVE NOT CONTACTEDYOU FOR SELF FULFILLMENT AND I'M SORRY THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY. I NOW KNOWWHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU THINK I AM. I HAVE REALIZED OVER THE LAST MONTH(AFTER I SENT YOU THE LETTER) THAT I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY FRIENDS.... ONLYACQUAINTANCES. IF I WASN'T SORRY FOR HOW THINGS TURNED OUT I PROBABLYWOULDN'T BE TRYING TO RIGHT MY WRONG WITH ONE WHO I GENUALLY FEEL WAS A TRUEFRIEND. I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST BOYFRIEND OR FRIEND AND FOR THAT I ALSOTAKE THIS AS A LEARNING EXPIERIENCE. WHEN I BOUGHT MY HOME AND YOU THREW APARTY FOR ME I PLANNED ON YOU BEING HERE AND LIVING WITH ME. I TRIED TO GETINTIMATE WITH YOU AND WAS REJECTED. WE SPENT JULY 4TH '05 TOGETHER AND YOUSHOWED NO INTEREST OTHER THAN FRIENDS. FOR WHATEVER REASON PROBABLY LIQUEURWE DECIDED TO SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER ON MY BIRTHDAY '06. I HAD A SO CALLED (GIRLFRIEND) AND THAT’S WHY I BLAME OUR END ON BAD TIMING... ALL THE TIME WEWERE BOTH SINGLE AND STILL ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER AND NEITHER ONE OF USMADE A MOVE. WHO KNOWS WHY, BUT I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FORA REASON. AS FOR WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER I KNOW THAT I WAS FAITHFULL AND TOOKOUR RELATIONSHIP VERY SERIOUSLY... WE BOTH HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS OF WHEN WEWERE TOGETHER OR NOT. "BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR AND HALF OF WHAT YOUSEE." IF YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA I GOT A HEAVY DOSE!!!! MORE THAN I CAN SAYOVER E-MAIL OR THE PHONE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! AS FAR AS SEEING ME IN PUBLICWITH "FRIENDS" ... NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I HAVE GIVEN UP EVERYONE EXCEPT (insert childhood best friend here). IT HURTS ME TO KNOW THAT ALL OF YOUR MEMORIES OF ME ARE NEGATIVE. MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL LOOK BACK ON SOME OF OUR PAST AND CRACK A SMILE. I HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU AND DONT EXPECT A RESPONSE.P.S. I GO TO COURT ON WEDNESDAY FOR CUSTODY! THANK YOU FOR MOTIVATING ME!

I don’t even really have commentary on that. He is thanking me for responding with hate! So here is my response back:

It was not all negative and please don't think that I sit back and think bad things of you all day, every day. I don't. I know you have good qualities and I know we had good times. I do sometimes think back on those times as well. The most recent memories are the ones that hurt. I tried very hard to just be your friend, regardless of our feelings for each other. I felt like you didn't respect that or your relationship last year on your birthday. I don't blame you for what happened. It was really just sex with no soul because things weren't there for us anymore. If you hadn't tried to make it into something it was not, and tell me how much you loved me and wanted me, we probably could have forgotten all about it and moved on being friends. It really hurt me that you involved (insert mutual friend’s names here) . They believed in you more than I did and I think they were probably more disappointed than I was when things didn't work out. I expected you to be a coward and you were. I don't say that to hurt you. If you loved me like you have claimed to all of this time...we wouldn't be where we are.I am sorry about you not having any friends. I did try to tell you that none of those people were your friends but you were high on life. I tried to communicate a lot of things that you didn't hear but forming a good circle of friends and support network was the most important. I believe that people can change and rise above their circumstances. If you have the courage and the will, you can accomplish anything. I really have changed a lot recently as well. You don't know me anymore and I don't know you but we will both always be someone that we sometimes knew better than ourselves...isn't that strange?Good luck on Wednesday. I know having Sammy in your life will make you somewhat complete again.

Somewhat complete? I sent this to him! I am so shamed at myself. This is someone that I truly cared for and this is how I talked to him. Even if it was after a lot of pain, that is still no excuse. If CL thought I was venomous he should see how I talked to my ex’s! Maybe I should e-mail this to him. (Joking, of course)

His final response:

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I'M GLAD YOU FOUND HAPPINESS BECAUSE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON! I WISH YOU AND YOURS THE BEST! MAYBE I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON IN MY NEXT LIFE...HAHAHA JUST JOKING I STILL HAVE TIME. BYE : }

I am the devil and I am pretty sure there is a furnace in hell with my name on it. This was almost 3 years ago. I have seen Sam twice since this correspondence; once at a funeral for an old co-worker/mutual friend and then at my girls wedding a few months back; I blogged about our run-in here. Now I feel guilty and like I should reach out. I would hate to think that is how he thinks I feel about him. He’s on Facebook. We have many mutual friends still. Should I friend request him? Just e-mail? Leave it alone and live in my guilt? I am really at a loss here but I am not proud of my actions at all. I feel like dealing with my own demons of the past will help me to be a better person in the future. I really don’t like the self-righteous tone that I have with him. Any bloggy advice, folks? I am asking so feel free to let loose on me!