Deeper issues than I thought

"The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust."~Henry L. Stimson (1867 - 1950)

Drudging up the old e-mail and reflecting upon my actions in the past few years brought something very interesting to the forefront of my thoughts yesterday. I was talking to my friend Laura about the hateful e-mail to my ex that I posted. She didn't feel like it was as bad as I had made it out. As with most everything, she and I had discussed this Tuesday night, prior to Wednesday's post. I guess she was expecting something really horrible. She said that with all of the cheating and lying that I mention it didn't really seem that bad to her.

But see, the thing is; I don't know that he cheated. I had suspicions. People told me he was out and with people but I never had any proof. I have always assumed in certain situations in my life that people had cheated or were cheating but I don't honestly know of one time that I was in a relationship with someone and cheating was confirmed. I never saw anything with my own eyes or found any proof as I know others have. I am not a stupid girl but I am also not a stalker that goes through someone's phone. Sam's messing around was when we were broken up so I can't count that and he does make that point in response. This got me to thinking. Why, if I have never knowingly been cheated on, do I assume that is the case almost every time? The answer; shall we have a drum roll???? Daddy dearest! My dad was a perpetual cheater. He once took a floozy from his office to a Blues game when he was supposed to be working late. Stupid fucker was on the megatron and coincidentally on TV! Is it a wonder then that I assume every man cheats? I mean my dear old dad used me (and my Father/Daughter time)as his cover to cheat!

CL was hugely affected by my accusations toward him. I don't throw them out until I feel like someone is being dishonest or exhibiting my father's behavior. CL would go out after teaching class and stay out until all hours. When I asked where he was he would say he didn't answer to anyone. For him it was about his independence, for me it seemed shady. Why not just say where you were? I don't hide my where abouts. One night I made a comment about him being with someone else. I didn't even think that was the case but that is what my dad would have been doing and I was mad so it was like I had to throw the accusation out there. I don't think he ever got over that and he brought it up many times. I trust people whole heartedly until they give me a reason not to. CL knew this. I felt like his withholding information was the same as hiding something horrible. That gross over-reaction comes from how my mom reacted to my dad. Don't get me wrong here, I am 31 years old; I am not blaming my parents for my issues. I am just trying to understand where they stem from so I can change them. I tried to explain to CL once about my assumptions due to my father. My therapist and I had discovered this connection a while ago so I shared it with him. Instead of being more open with me so there was no room for doubt, CL got more closed off. In the end I think it was a huge part of the reason our trust was broken and we broke up. I didn't trust him anymore because he acted as if he was hiding something and he didn't trust me because I had accused him of what was the ultimate sin in his mind (his ex cheated).

So the lesson is this, if someone doesn't love me enough to reassure me from now on, I am out the door. Down with doubt. I don't think it is too much to ask, after having explained the reasons for my insecurities, to expect a little respect and small explaination. Don't get me wrong, I am not a jealous girl and I only feel this way when there seems to be reason to doubt. For me the best decision is to move onto someone who understands me instead of someone who pushes my buttons. There are too many fish in the sea and the one that loves me will love my deep seeded issues too! He is going to need thick skin. I will put that on my wish list!

Damn, this honestly blogging has really taken hold, huh?