"Mr. Speaker, our Nation depends on immigrants' labor, and I hope we can create an immigration system as dependable as they are."~Luis Gutierriz

Aren’t we all immigrants?

Liberty and Justice FOR ALL, huh? Really?

Has anyone thought about what this Arizona immigration law could lead to?

How many Hispanic American citizens will lose their businesses because their LEGAL CITIZEN patrons are scared to leave their homes for fear of police or government interference with their life?

What about all of the jobs that the Americans are too good to do that WE brought illegal Mexicans here to do 20 years ago?

What about the American citizens of mixed decent that will be unjustly terrorized for this?

Is it really ok now for the US Government to detain people for absolutely no reason?

This law could be in effect as early as August, IF it passes the proper channels. (PrayingtoBabyJesusthatdoesnothappen)

I, for one, will never visit Arizona again.

I say the supporters should be the first to be implanted with the new government tracking chip.

Let the government track their every move.

Let’s see how they like it…

Meet Dan Choi

I am writing my final research paper for my comp class this week. The assignment was to pick a topic that we are passionate about. It has to be a current news story that will spark a debate. I chose the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. We all know that I am passionate about gay rights. After watching Soldier's Girl a few weeks ago and witnessing the horror that my friend Aaron felt at knowing this senseless killing took place on his military base while he was serving there, I could not help but jump to that topic. In researching my subject I learned so much. My thesis statement is: Don't Ask Don't Tell is bankrupting our country while compromising national security. I will post my paper when it is completed and graded but for now I want to share with you the thing that sparked debate for me more than anything.

Dan Choi was an Arabic linguist and West Point Graduate. He served in Iraq as a platoon leader in 2007 and 2008. In total he gave 10 years of service as a gay man under Don't Ask Don't Tell. In 2008, upon his return from Iraq he sparked a romance with a man. No longer willing to lie about who and what he was he went on the Rachel Maddow show in March 2009 and declared, "I am gay". This is an act of professional suicide when you are in the military. He was immediately sent a notice of discharge from the United States military. He was given the option to leave quietly with honorable discharge or to fight it. Dan Choi chose to fight. His own unit leader did not push for discharge. He actually spoke up in defense of the highly trained and respected Choi. Less than 1 year later, after much activism work and the attitude that he would never back down, Dan Choi was invited back to drill training with his unit in February of 2010.

What a risk to take in the name of being honest about who you are? Dan started Knights Out, which is a group of West Point grads who have come together to demand the repeal of DADT. He regularly speaks at events about equality and gay rights. This year in June he will serve as Grand Marshall of the New York City pride parade. Dan has a website that does not give many details, I assume because of his current position in the military. He was not discharged but he is still in violation of the current law which means he can be discharged at any time. I e-mailed Dan through his website to ask for more information and also to let him know what a hero he is. So many Americans follow the grid; do as they are told and let the man be in control. This is a shining example of how one person can change things for many. That is not to say that I feel like repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell was reintroduced strictly because of Dan Choi but his activism and fighting spirit sure helped it along. True heroes usually fall through the cracks. I think Dan Choi is a hero to many so I wanted to formally introduce you.

The cadet prayer states: “choose the harder right over the easier wrong” and to “never be content with a half truth when the whole can be won.” How can you say that is your prayer and then tell someone it is not ok to be openly gay? I found it interesting also that while homosexual conduct can get you discharged, heterosexual conduct cannot. Just to show you how archaic our rules and regulations are: Current US policy in the Uniform Code of Military Justice actually does prohibit sodomy and oral sex, even among consenting adults and married couples.

Some other notable facts:

More than 100 retired admirals and generals support repeal.

73 percent of military personnel are comfortable with lesbians and gays (Zogby International, 2006).

Majority of weekly churchgoers (60 percent), conservatives (58 percent), and Republicans (58 percent) now favor repeal.

The younger generations, those who fight America's 21st century wars, largely don't care about whether someone is gay or not-and they do not link job performance with sexual orientation. One in four U.S. troops who served in Afghanistan or Iraq knows a member of their unit who is gay (Zogby, 2006). Since 2001, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" discharges have declined by almost half.

During every major military conflict the number of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" discharges has dropped.

In 1993 Rand Corp. concluded that openly gay people in the U.S. military do not negatively impact unit cohesion, morale, good order, or military readiness. Several other military-commissioned and GAO studies have concluded that open service does not undermine military readiness, troop morale or national security.

75% of Americans support gays serving openly - up from just 44 percent in 1993 (ABC News/Washington Post, 2008).

Just a little food for thought on this fine Thursday.

Soldier's Girl

I had dinner with my gay boyfriend, Aaron, on Monday night. I went to his place and he cooked a wonderful meal. I took some chocolate infused red wine and we enjoyed a gay movie during dinner, as we usually do. Most of the time the movie consists of bad acting, poor sex scenes and chemistry and little to no plot. Rarely does a gay man have a friend to watch a gay movie with so I suffer it for him. This time was different. So different that it has taken me 3 days and a call to my therapist to write this post.

This is the movie cover

Aaron rented Soldier's Girl (I posted a clip at the end of this post) from Netflix. My gay husband, Matt, who is a friend of both Aaron and myself, actually suggested that I watch this movie about a year ago when I house sat for him. He assured me I would love it but I never made it around to watching it. The film is a true story based in Fort Cambell, Kentucky on the military base. Aaron was a military man prior to coming out and was based at Fort Cambell so the story immediately struck a cord with him. At first, I could tell it was fun for him to see the places and things that he had done way back when. He said he had heard about a young gay man being beaten severely with a baseball bat prior to his coming to base. That story made him even more afraid of his comrades finding him out and he remained deep in the closet during his time on base. I have seen photos of him during his time at Fort Cambell and even my gaydar would not have sounded.

The movie started out easy enough. The main character is a straight man, Barry Winchell, who is doing his basic training at Fort Cambell. Barry goes out one night, at the urging of his friends, to a bar and meets a male-to-female transgendered performer named Calpernia Addams. The 2 began dating immediately. Barry has a roommate that questions his own sexuality while being disgusted with Barry for doing the same. The roommate starts to spread rumors, Barry is ridiculed on base and questioned by sargents. This is not a happy, feel-good ending wrapped up in 2 hours or less. Let's just say that Aaron's story of that poor boy who was beaten is explained when you see Soldier's Girl. Barry Winchell was that boy and he was not just beaten but beaten to death. We discovered after having watched the movie and seeing the dates and outcome at the end that Aaron was there when this horrible crime took place. He could have been Barry Winchell.

Troy Garity and Lee Pace posing as Barry and Calpernia

The real Barry Winchell

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell debate has been prevelent in the media again recently. Just last week I had a Facebook debate about this very topic. I know a young girl in Ohio who has a gay sister in the military. Her sister posted a headline: 'You don't have to be straight to shoot straight'. I like that a lot. The little sister liked it too, so much so that she reposted it. One of the little sister's friends, a man who happens to be active military, made a comment which made me furious. Here is our exchange:

bigot (to protect the guilty hater): i dont like the idea of a gay guy next to me in combat

me: I am not sure I understand why being a gay man has anything to do with saving a life or protecting a country. I say if (bigot name here) doesn't like the idea of going in with gay back-up then go in alone. It's your choice. And I hate to tell ya but gay men (and women) have been surving our military for years (all the while hiding who they are). They can get shot at protecting our country and the right of others to hate and degrade them but they can't and don't have the same RIGHTS that the rest of us do. It is a sick society when one person feels good to bring another down just because of what they do in their own bedroom. Homophobia is a disgusting and ugly trait born out of fear and ignorance.

bigot: well they belong in the chow hall cooking my food or behind a desk. its against my religion an i dont agree with it

me: I hope you don't ever have to live the experience of having someone close to you, whom you love very deeply, encounter the type of bigotry and hate that you are willing to opening display on the internet. Please don't use a loving God as your pulpit for hate. (I actually made this my FB headline for the day!)

At this point, little bigot's friend (our mutual FB friend) said: oh wow this is getting a little heated...the whole point in debate is the fact that people believe in diff things... just because we dont believe in the same things doesnt mean hes wrong that is his opinion (Did I mention she has a gay sister serving in our military?)

me: It is like the saying; What Would Jesus Do? I feel it is a disrespect to a loving God to use him as an excuse to hate. I have a gay sister, you have a gay sister, your Aunt Robin has a gay daughter. I think when your own family is hated on it makes you see more clearly. I was simply cautioning (bigot) on USING God and abusing others in his good name. I wish all the best for (poor little bigot) and I truly hope he never has to witness his own hate being taken out on his family or friends. I woudln't wish that upon my worst enemy. It hurts more than he will ever understand.

Now the bigot of the day didn't respond and clearly his friend felt the need to defend him but not her sister. Maybe I was over the line. I was a gay defender before my sister came out. I was loving Matt and Aaron and had my very own gay following by the time she told me she was gay so I hate it when people say the that my gay sister is the reason I love the gays so. It is just NOT true. I believe things happen for a reason. This correspondence with the little bigot happened just HOURS before I saw Soldier's Girl. I had just witnessed out and out bigotry displayed openly on the internet for all to see. This boy had no shame in his opinion and that is a problem for me. As you can imagine I was completely fired up by the movie's end. Aaron was visibly devastated by the story and the closeness to home, if you will. He didn't sleep that night much and has brought it up to me a few times since then.

How is it that we have the Matthew Shepard Act but no Barry Winchell Act? Is it the military involvement? Is it all just a secret, swept under the rug? This incident did force then-President Bill Clinton to review the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy but it is still in place today as I type this. Barry was not a "gay" man. He fell in love with a woman who had not yet completed her trans "process". Calpernia Addams has since completed her gender reassignment surgery and now lives in LA. She has an on-line diary and remains active in gay rights issues. Reading her words over 10 years after Barry's death you can still feel her pain.

Calpernia Addams as she looks today

I don't understand how someone can serve in our military and defend the rights of others to hate on them but they are not entitled to all of those rights and priveledges themselves. I don't understand how this happened 11 years ago now and I am just now hearing about it. I don't understand how this could happen with so little media attention. I don't understand how my flamingly homosexual friend was there during this time and did such a good job of hiding who he is that he is alive today but Barry was straight and now he is dead. There is so much about this crime that we will never understand. The imporant thing here is to educate ourselves and others against hate and discrimination to that no one ever has to endure what Barry did.

Here is a link to Soldier's Girl:


Click here if you would like to see what happened to the animals that did this to Barry. I caution you, it was not enough.

I am off to write the president...

77 comments later...

I created a stir this week, a big one. It was on Facebook and really innocent enough. I was super duper hung over Tuesday and instead of my usual uplifting daily quote I updated my status with what was on my mind. (Big no-no for furture)

First I posted this: Lemme make sure I got this right. Just because I am not interested in you I must hate men or be a lesbian? Buddy, if my last chance for sex on earth were you or a woman, I will take the vajayjay. At least with a woman I would have a full head of hair to grab onto and I could avoid the stupid questions like "what's the ...wildest thing you've ever done?” Bang; dead douche walking. And he still almost went in for a kiss!

I was still clearly frustrated from Monday night's debauchery!

Second: Bottomless pit Tuesday over here at Hangover Hollow. 1 bagel and cream cheese, 8 cups of coffee, a 2 piece Church's Chicken lunch with double mashed taters and gravy WITH corn and fried okra (hangover remedy of champions) all before noon. Still hungry. (posted around 11am, not proud, just sayin')

I eat like a horse when I am hung over.

Third (This is the doozy that got panties in a bunch): Is it just me or does anyone else wonder where all of these millions for Haiti are really going?

I got 77 comments and 3 "likes". My issue is that most of these comments were politically driven. My friends come from all different walks of life and have varied opinions. This became a platform to hate on current reform, recent elections and become downright insulting to others' political views. WHERE IS THE FREAKING MONEY? I don't care who you voted for. I am very liberal in most of my views but perhaps this is one where I am more conservative. I don't see why our government, who has enough trouble of their own, sees the need to fork over millions of dollars to a corrupt government. This aid has been pouring in for weeks but we see little results on the ground.

Between the Hope for Haiti telethon, our government (in debt how many trillions?) and the millions of independent donors I think we can all agree the figure raised is upwards of 100 million. Does anyone have any idea the amount of interest earned on 100 million dollars, daily? How about this texting for the Red Cross? They are airing commercials on Clear Channel. Who is paying for that? Last I checked the Red Cross has out-of-hand administrative costs so something like $4 comes off the top of your donation to pay salaries, healthcare and for private jets. Where does the other $6 go? You can give an extra dollar anywhere and everywhere right now in the name of Haiti. Who is making sure that money get to the victims?

Let's be honest, for probably 50 million, you could level the whole country and start over. So where is the damned money? There is this little gem of a website: http://www.charitynavigator.org/ that makes you wonder when it is ok to ask where your money went. If you read long and hard enough it basically says you can't. In a few months you may get a general answer but nothing specific.

I am a giver. I am all about helping others. This whole scene reminds me of Katrina. I know they are not the same but the images of people in our country experiencing the same crisis did not evoke this level of concern. Our government did a terrible job of helping those in need here at home. I am not saying we deserve help more or less than the next person but shouldn't we take care of ourselves so we are better prepared to help others? We are not in a position as a country to help right now. American citizens are struggling each day. I talk to union workers who lose their jobs daily. I know many single moms who aren't sure where there next meal will appear from. I know Haiti deserves help. I know that, unfortunately, as Americans we are taught the best way to help is to send money. There seems to be a lot of money that remains unaccounted for. I am thinking the Haitians would do better with our prayers for a stable government. Or how about prayers that the relief we have already given will be received? How long will America continue to capitalize on this tragedy? I pray for a better way of life for them as they rebuild but I won't be sending my text to save Haiti anytime soon.

NO H8

Last night my sister and I went to the local lesbian bar where they were doing a photo shoot for the No H8 campaign in St. Louis. No H8 was born out of necessity and in direct contrast to The Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) (it is important to know what and who we are up against) which was created by the churchies as a way to defend "traditional marriage". You know, like Brittney's 55 hour hook-up, Tiger's sacred union, Liz Taylor's 8 marriages...you get my point. I feel like when we say we are all created equal we should back that up. There is no loophole that says we are all equal UNLESS you sleep with the same sex. You can read the entire story of the No H8 campaign by clicking on the link. I love the idea of it. Basically they take individual or group photos of you in a v-neck t-shirt with electrical tape over your mouth and a No H8 tattoo on your face. I have been wanting to attend a photo shoot for some time but the timing never worked out for me. Yesterday it did and I am really glad I went. The official campaign photo is taken with a white background. I will have a copy eventually but I certainly did my own amatuer photography in the meantime.

Here I am in all of my glory.
My sister wearing dad's dog tags. He would just love that.
Sissy and me

Mighty fine self portrait if I do say so myself.

My luva Kris and his gorgeous dimples!

My sister and her friend that works at NP's where the photo shoot was held.

Jim the bartender

Me and Dan, yet anotha gay luva;-) Interesting fact, he used to date my gay hubby.

Nancy Novak and Dan. Nancy owns Novak's, NP's and Bar 5 the 3 biggest lesbian bars in St. Louis. Probably the biggest gay bars but who am I to say?

My sis and her buddy, I can't recall her name but she was a doll

Now we are getting drunk, as I let them write on my face with SHARPIE! Aren't we cute though?

My very favorite Queen, Dieta Pepsi

Nancy and me. Pretty sure she slipped me the tongue.

Zac is a co-worker of my sister-in-law. He might think we are crazy. He might be right.

The obligatory self portrait!

I am proud of St. Louis. Our mayor came to have his photo taken and was quoted in the local newspaper saying: "We all really are more alike than we are different," Slay said. "We have to be more accepting as a community." He said that differences in ethnicity, religion, talent and sexual preference are things that should be celebrated, not divisive. I love that we have elected officials who finally feel like I do. I am proud that so many gay people and their family and friends came out to support this project. I am proud that I could attend with my very own gay sister and run into so many great people of the community on a Sunday night. I had a little bit too much to drink. Thank the Baby Jesus I was off for MLK day today as I didn't drag myself home until almost 4am. I might have kissed a ton of lesbians, gay boys and a drag queen but I had a fantastic time. I donated to a great cause and I was a part of something bigger than even I comprehend at this moment.

P.S. Hubby did my hair on Saturday and it is just absolutely fabulous. Loving the new color!

Mean people SUCK

I consider myself a very strong individual. I have been through some serious shit in my life and I am proud to say that I have survived. I have not only survived; I have thrived. Life is never easy. It is filled with hard obstacles each day. Over the years I can honestly say that I am pretty proud of my decisions and VERY proud of me. So what do you do when there are Nay Sayers in your life that have nothing positive to add and only negative to heap on you? My normal response is to cut those people out. I can’t stand a constant negative influence and some people just cannot be helped. In this case, this person is not even a friend of mine but a friend of a friend we will say. I have no personal relationship with them. We have never had a one-on-one honest and open conversation in our lives. I don’t share my deepest feelings or even scratch the surface of life events with this person because we just disagree on most everything. Well that and the judgmental bullshit that comes with this person. I try very hard just to like this individual as a person sometimes. Obviously my friend who is attached to this person is important or I would just say fuck it and walk away. It does make a bad situation for the middle man, in this case, my friend.

When someone personally attacks you there are a few things you can do.

1. Strike back. This is how I was raised. You insult the person to the point of tears if possible. You take every low blow (even revealing vaulted material) to bring them to their knees. If you read this blog at all you know that I know that the way I was raised was NOT right. I do not wish to take this road.

2. Leave-To me this used to be cowardly but I guess if you save yourself from stooping to the level of example #1 you have won a small victory for yourself. I have never been one to back down or walk away from an argument so while I know it works for some, this option is just not for me.

3. Doubt yourself- You can mull over their opinions and wonder if for all of their hate and fury maybe they are right about you. Maybe you are worthless, stupid and bat-shit crazy? In some cases, if you value the opinion of the person speaking, it might be worth it to look into yourself a bit more. This is not the case with my current situation so there is no point to that.

4. Revenge- (ahhh, sweet revenge!)THIS is the Scorpio way so it is also a bit ingrained into me. Problem is I don’t really care enough for revenge. I don’t even really care enough about this person’s shitty one-sided opinion of me. I just want them to stop caring so much about my life that they think their opinion is important to anyone, especially me!

5. Say fuck it and move on- You can’t control other people’s actions, only your reactions. I feel as if I reacted well this time. And the time before that. And the time before that. But how long do you let someone assume you are their punching bag before you strike back?

I have no desire to be around this person. The negative energy and thought process serves no purpose for me. This is not the first time we have had this issue and I don’t see it being the last. I have avoided talking to my own family members who have brought less grief into my life so it seems unfair to do nothing about this situation. If I cut all ties, I am also cutting out a friend, as they are a packaged deal. This person is not worth this to me but also not worth biting my tongue anymore. This might sound petty and ridiculous to some people but my entire childhood consisted of name calling, beating other people down to build yourself up and living with an asshole. I feel like life is on repeat when I am with this negative influence. He has told me I am a bad friend, he regularly implies that I am a bad person and most recently he told me I was desperate. I did not hit him, for those of you who know me IRL. A few years ago he told me I would never find a man so I should just “go ahead and start licking pussy now”. Yep, he’s a gem.

I can only assume it makes him feel good to make others feel bad. There is a way to express your opinion and a way to be an asshole and he has chosen the later. (Oddly like my father, probably another reason for contempt) Most importantly to point out here is that I have NEVER solicited an opinion from this person. Quite to the contrary, over the years I have tried to make it clear just how little his opinion matters to me and my life. Sure, I am hurt but not because of him or his hateful words. It hurts me that my relationship with my friend in this situation has been clouded by this nonsense for years. I feel like we can’t have a real conversation without an uninvited and non interested 3rd party butting in. I know that my friend is mortified by this behavior but there is nothing that can be done on her end other than getting upset. I rather think this person feeds off of the misery of others so that probably just helps fuel the insults. The best thing that I can do for me is remove any and all negative from my life…one asshole at a time. Check, check and check. (Can you see them falling away?)

I won’t let this ruin my friendship but I will stand up for myself in the future. No need to be nice and play it safe like I have been doing. If he can bust out the shit he has, surely he can take it, right? I also have to keep in mind that while I try to forget the intense training of my childhood, I was raised by one of the biggest assholes in the world. I got this.

1 small step for the gays but a giant leap for equality

Houston has it's very first gay mayor! Meet Annise Parker. She started her career as a gay activist and now she's running the 4th largest city in the nation! Interesting that the folks in Houston had a gay woman or a black man to choose from. That says a lot about where Texas is heading, in my opinion. Perhaps not so conservative right wing Christian afterall.

You can read the full story of Annise Parker's victory here.

Healing my hate

Itty bitty hater

Ohhhhhh, I gotst my panties in a big old bunch today. No big secret I am a gay lover (both happy and homo). I have been called a gay magnet which can actually be proved by many nights that there was 1 token gay who was almost immediately drawn to me. Perhaps I have ACCEPTANCE written in rainbow on my forehead. I have amazing Gaydar to the point that I have outed youngin’s before they knew they were gay. One of my very own gays suggested recently that my perfect job would be Ambassador to the Gay community. Now that is a job I could get on board with.
I think you can already see where this is going. This week in St. Louis the Fred Phelps’s family was visiting to spread their message of heartless, hateful and hurtful. My friend Ed over at SHOW ME NO HATE organized a peaceful protest against the Phelps family at a few local schools. I was unable to attend due to work obligations but everyone made white angel wings (large span to distract from the haters). These folks stood out in the cold, silently while this hate machine rolled on by. If Freddy had it his way none of the married couples standing in protest would be married. In fact, they would be arrested for their homosexual lifestyle or “deviant sexual behavior” as Fred prefers. The Phelps family got word of this peaceful protest and called the police. You see, Phelps and his family of haters uses their “poster children” (literally) to get the word out on the streets while Phelps himself spreads the devil’s word inside. Somehow he was frightened by a peaceful protest. This man is going into schools to spread his message of hate but he is threatened by a peaceful protest outside by a bunch of gays? I know Fred has never been close with the community, much less in a gay bar but I have never seen a real fight or violence. Lovers bitch fights, yes. Senseless violence, no.
I struggle with people like this. I wish them ill will, even death. They wish for the permanent disposal of my community, my people. Ed over at SHOW ME NO HATE did an interview with one of the local school newspapers after the peaceful protest and had this to say: We do not hate Fred Phelps or his Church. We actually love them. Judy Shepard (mother of the slain Matthew Shepard 10-years ago of which the Laramie Project was based on) once said to me, "Fred Phelps has helped our cause, our mission more than any other person on this planet." I totally agree with Judy. Fred Phelps is actually doing greatness by spreading his message of hate to people everywhere. [I know that sounds crazy and funny.] I think people look at his signs, his words and think, "Is that me? Do I hate the very same people?" Fred Phelps puts a mirror up to society that in turn helps people look at themselves and see the potential "hate" we all have and hide inside. It was not until recently I learned to really love what the Phelps family is doing for the LGBTQ community. [And it inspires me to look deeper into that mirror and let others look into a mirror.]
All I can say is wow, wow and wow. This is a man whose own marriage could hang in the balance of all of this voting for equality and he does not hate. I could really stand to learn a lesson from him. These images of children being used to promote hateful propaganda are just sickening to me. Can you imagine what kind of haters these kids will grow up to be? My attitude that people like the Phelps family should be eliminated from our galaxy does not promote my own message of love and peace. I hate to say this but it looks like I have a lot of work to do before I am ready for that Ambassador position.

"Poster Child"

P.S. Does anyone else think this is out and out child abuse? I know I have many mommy readers. I am interested what you think.

Oh, and here are some of the pics of SHOW ME NO HATE's peaceful protest:

I absolutely love this photo!

And the big rainbow flag, of course!

The photos at the bottom of the peaceful protest are courtesy of Tiffany Parrett. The small haters holding signs are courtesy of Chris Weiss. I also suggest a stop in to SHOW ME NO HATE to tell Ed what a great job he is doing!

I finally did it...

I kid. This picture did inspire me quite a while ago but I have been holding off on this post for months now because I know it showcases my crazy. I can no longer help myself so here goes. I have a HUGE issue with cattle trucks. There I said it. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step. I don’t feel any better. I have always had this really profound distaste for the treatment, housing conditions and slaughter practices of animals. I understand that back in the day it was necessary to kill our furry friends to keep alive but today we know so much more about meat consumption, hormones and disease that you would think we would be smarter. The average person has 5 pounds of undigested red meat in their bowels when they die. That is for AVERAGE people. What about people like Dan and my dad who eat 5-7 meals consisting of red meat weekly?

Growing up my nickname was Piggy. My favorite stuffed animal was my Ms. Piggy doll. It started a natural collection of pig figurines from my family. As I got older and understood how pigs actually live and die I was beside myself. In 1995 I decided to give up meat entirely. I was overweight and disgusted with my food choices up to that point. I remember my parents being angry at first but finally relaxing and accepting my decision but never catering to it. My mother still makes pork roast, pork steaks (big in the Lou), pork butt or piggy brisket. All the while affectionately calling me “piggy”. She does not cook me anything special. Most of the time she actually tries to serve me the swine.

I was off the meat entirely for about a year and I dropped significant weight (read ahead before you try this at home). So significant, in fact, that it concerned my doctor who ordered a colonoscopy. That is another blog in itself but I was diagnosed shortly after with Crohn’s Disease. I can’t say that my giving up meat was the definite reason I got Crohn’s but it did not help for me to change up the chemicals in my body so rapidly. I started eating very small amounts of red meat again for protein.

On to my real reason for posting, on my drive home I see an average of 2 cattle trucks per week. Sometimes they are empty and sometimes not. I try not to look because it is absolute torture for me to see the poor animals all cooped up with their own feces’ heading to slaughter. I actually touched on the subject in this post about my quirks that seem a bit crazy to me. Dan thinks that I am absolutely nuts when the subject comes up or, God forbid, he is with me when I pull up to a Killer Truck, as I affectionately refer to them. The worst was a few weeks ago when, try as I might, I could not stop myself from looking. I thought I was in the clear and the truck was empty but lo and behold once I got up next to it I realized that it was carrying little piglets with their cute little snouts poking out of the killer truck holes. I DIED.

I do, in fact, think often about just running them off of the road. They can die on impact or face a worse fate. Then I think about waste. If you are going to kill an animal you should use it for all that you can. The Indians (Native Americans) had the right idea by respecting the animal and not wasting. I realize that running the cattle truck off the road would be a waste, not to mention probably really hurt some killer-person and/or killer-company’s bottom line. And yes, I do still mouth “killer” to the driver if I happen to catch his eye. It is nothing personal. So my thought is that I will give up cow again. I really only eat fillet and the occasional ground beef in tacos or spaghetti. I don’t know what will make the pain go away. Gandhi said “Be the change you wish to see in the world” so I guess until I find a way to free the cattle I will at least give up that medium rare fillet. It hurts me but not as bad as seeing the Killer Trucks. You have to admit. Isn’t that cow so super cute freeing himself from slaughter in the photo above?

A lesson in learning to say no!

I am a doer. I come from a long line of doers. I learned from watching my mother a long time ago to not do things for people that will make you resent them. I have had to relearn this a few times in my life but I got it now. I want to help. I want to be useful. I want to show that I love and care for you by taking care of you. This is my way. There is also the other side to that coin. It also comes from my mother and her resentment of good deeds done but unrecognized. This is one of those deep rooted issues that took me years to figure out as a child. Why do we go out of our way for these people? These same people you are now calling ungrateful? Why did we do this good deed again? Well for my mom, back in the day at least, it was for recognition. It sounds horrible to say but she wanted people to see what she had done and commend her for it. It was really a terrible example for a child but the true learning experience came when I started to ask hard questions. My mom would go out of her way, spending days and sometimes weeks on projects to help a friend. In the end the friend might be too busy or self consumed to thank her and so now she is ungrateful…immediately. This behavior made me see that my mother was not doing things out of the kindness of her heart but for praise. The even harder realization over the years is that I was my mother’s daughter and in this case, by the time I realized it, the apple had not fallen far from the tree. I was 21 years old when I woke up resenting everyone for everything.

As I said this is something I have continued to revisit in my life and struggle with. I want to help people. It really is in my nature (Thanks, MOM). I want to help them for the right reasons though. Not so they will think I am cool or so other people think I am cool. I want to do it because I think it makes me cool. I don’t want to resent my friends and family for not saying thank you. I want to do it knowing that my pride alone is enough to sustain me. The hardest part of this is learning to say NO! I had a really hard time at first. Wouldn’t you guess but my mom was the worst at accepting my new leaf. When I started to say no to family events that I attended just to appease her she got very upset. “Why can’t you just do this for the family” or “(enter any name here) would be really happy if you did” or my favorite “why not?”.

My friends, it was an absolute pleasure to say the same thing to my mother that she had said to me for so many years….BECAUSE I SAID SO! When I do things to make others happy without regard for myself it makes me feel like I sold myself short. If I want to go out of my way to come to your 8th child’s 10th birthday party then I will but you will not guilt me into it. If I want to skip out on a day with my family to heal my soul, I have the right. If I want to say no just to say no, I can. This was just an amazing thought to my mother who had never considered her feelings or wants or that she might have a choice in the matter (I said it was a LONG line of doers that I come from). I think over time my mom realized that I didn’t say no out of malice or discontent with anyone. I said no to become more at one with myself and what I needed to be doing. My mother has a tremendous heart. I am truly grateful and blessed to have that trait passed along to me. My father, who has been divorced from my mom for 18 years still says to this day that my mom has the biggest heart around (he actually says her heart is as big as her ass but if you know the man, that is indeed a compliment) and he’s right. I like to think that over the years my mom has learned from me how to say no. She still is not great at it but she is getting better. She is also better at not resenting me for needing to take care of myself first.

Ok, now I can get to the point of my post, I have one…I promise. Today I get a text from an old acquaintance; I can’t call her a friend as I have not heard from her in years. The text says, “Hey is this still Toni’s phone”. Seriously, that is how long it has been since we talked. I say yes, it is…how are you? The normal pleasantries. She responds: “Stressed. Any way you can watch my dog for 10 days while I go to Italy?” ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I can barely wrap my head around this. I literally haven’t heard from her in YEARS and this is how she strikes up a conversation.

What makes her think that I would do that? Who does this woman think I am? Well I will tell you. She thinks I am the old, pleasing, push-over Toni. You know, the single girl without a care in the world who will do anything for a friend. Sadly this was my MO for a long time. Not sad that I helped but sad that I feel like that is how people thought of me. I was the girl with no life that would drop everything for them. I think some of the “friends” that I had were around so that they could take advantage of my good nature. I was the one person they knew that would drop her life for a friend. It should be no surprise to me then that I am the one she called on. This is also why after years of being single, once I found love many of my “friends” could not accept it. I was no longer there to drop everything on a whim for their needs or wants. I actually had my own life and responsibilities. If there is an emergency, I will always be there for a friend but when I learned to say no to the bullshit I got an unfavorable response from some. I just wasn’t acting like myself they said. HE was changing me. I wasn’t even the same person anymore. Who had I become? What happened to the former doormat that they so enjoyed? That is right; I realized that my old acquaintance felt she could take advantage of me like that because I let her do it before!!!! After all, I have changed so much (heavy sarcasm). I am grounded. I am happy. I am content. I am me. I don’t know who they thought I was but I know who I am and that is all that matters to me. It hurts to think that people are in your life to use you. I prefer to think of it as utilize but using is using. I am glad I have learned to wean those folks out. That is why I haven’t spoken to the will-you-watch-my-dog-girl in years. In fact, I think the last time we did talk I dog sat for her. She says she wants to get together and catch up after Italy even though I said no to watching her dog. 50 bucks says I never hear from her again which is just fine by me. It really is vindicating to not feel an obligation to friendship. It makes the ones that you have that much more real and valuable…and sincere. Thanks to my real friends. You know who you are.

This topic has been wedged in my craw for a while now. WARNING: I could get extremely foul. I sometimes have an issue with couth/restraint/manners in these matters; meaning I have none. For some reason when people act like animals it sparks an animal instinct inside of me. St. Louis has been in the national spotlight recently for something that makes not one of us proud. The local FBI has reported that the St. Louis area leads the nation in child predator arrests. Yippy for us! There are 2 ways to look at this: We are either doing a good job of getting these freaks off of the street OR we just have more baby-rapers in the STL than most places. Maybe it is a little of both. You might remember this post about a local priest who was arrested in one of these sting operations. His church is paying to defend him for negotiating sex with a 16 year old girl! I read the local paper daily. I don't like most of what I read but today was ultra disturbing because of this (St. Peters man gets probation for sex with young girl) and this (Lake Saint Louis sex offender is accused of new crimes). I live smack dab in the middle of these 2 towns. The paper listed these stories right beside each other, I can only assume to give us all a healthy dose of what we are dealing with here. The family in the first story REQUESTED that the baby raper in this case not go to jail, hence the sickeningly disturbing headline that this freak is just on PROBATION for admitting to sex with a CHILD UNDER 12 YEARS OF AGE! You have got to be bagging me that there is a mother out there that would let some sick fuck get away with doing this to her daughter and REQUEST no jail time for him? Sure, give him a free pass to rape again. Better yet, drop him off at the fucking elementary school some goddamned cotton candy flavored condoms.

The 2nd fuck is accused of NEW crimes. You know what that makes him? If you guessed a repeat fucking rapist offender....you win the prize. Good ole' Daniel P. Cooper of Lake St. Louis, molestation was not enough...he went for forcible sodomy as well. He is already a registered sex offender due to charges of attempted aggravated sexual abuse against a child in Glen Carbon. I am super glad we let this winner back on the street. On 2nd thought, perhaps the first victim's family didn't want him to serve jail time and that left him on the streets to rape again.

I know I am really down on the men but it is important to point out that women are sex offenders too. Take this recent St. Louis story. Christie Bradley of Waterloo is accused of trying to arrange sex with a 14 year old boy when she showed up to the boy's parent's house with lingerie and condoms for a sex date. Her husband is working through their attorney to secure bail for her at this time. Isn't that special?

It amazes me that we have drug offenders sitting in jail over sale or distribution of fucking herbs but these sick fuckers are back on the street in no time raping children. That is if they serve any time at all. What kind of message does it send to our kids when we say; "I know this horrible thing happened to you but does someone really need to go to jail? Do you really want to have to testify? Why don't we just act like this didn't happen and we will all be fine." It goes back to the timeless argument about women reporting rape. It used to carry a stigma to be a rape victim. To this day people ask what you might have done to deserve that treatment (Chris Brown Vs. Rihanna case is a perfect example. Surely she must have done something to cause him to hit her). Somehow the victim is blamed. For this reason for years women didn't report rape. Then we started to find out that rape is not an isolated incident. Those who rape once will rape again, especially if they get away with it. It is a recurring behavior that escalates to much more in many cases, sometimes even murder. If these things are not reported, investigated and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law then another girl, many girls are at risk.

I recently had a discussion with a bunch of mommy friends about what should be done. I feel like castration is the only answer. If you are a registered sex offender you will be castrated. NO if, ands or buts about it. So then we got the question, what about these 17 year old kids who text nudie photos and are convicted sex offenders now? Or drunks caught peeing at Mardi Gras that get charged with indecent exposure which in the state of Missouri leads to becoming a registered sex offender. I think there should be levels. Peeing or even exposing yourself in public is no where near sex with a child. Why are these people even in the same groups? So here is my suggestion on how to solve this problem.

Level 1- fines, fees, warning that future behavior will result in registered sex offender status
Flasher
Urinator
Sexter (texting of the sexual explicit nature)

Level 2- prison, castration, branding...yes I said branding!
Rapists
Sexual deviants
Child molesters

We all understand prison and castration. The branding part is where it gets interesting. Remember the big A of Adultery back in the day? This is similar.

Sept. 22, 2006: In a brutal example of jailhouse justice, Anthony Ray Stockelman, serving a life sentence for the 2005 molestation and drowning of 10-year old Katie Coleman, had his forehead forcibly tattooed by fellow prisoner Jared Harris, a cousin of Coleman, with the words "Katie's Revenge." Stockelman, an inmate at Wabash Valley state prison in Indiana, was transferred out of the general population for his own protection.

I think this is what should happen to every person who is convicted of sex crimes against a child. I say let the other prisoners carry out the branding as was done in this case. Then we don't have to worry about you turning out your light on halloween or sneaking into the toy section at Target. Everytime your forehead sees the light of day, everyone on this earth would know what a sick fuck you were, are and always will be.

Amen.

I really do feel so much better!

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong. ~Richard Armour

Our President addressed the nation’s school children this week. His message was to stay in school, get an education and start planning now for the future. It is a message that many 30-somethings, or even recent unemployed 20-something college graduates wish someone would have shared with them. And who better than our nation’s leader to reach out to today’s youth? The man IS the American dream quantified. He can reach more school aged children than the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus and that is no small feat. The issue today is not our President addressing the school children it is the parents who are against it that I take a beef with. Even if you didn’t vote for Obama you have to admit his story is amazing. Even if you don’t agree with his politics somewhere deep down you know he is not harming school children by telling them to get an education. What is the problem? This country has gone crazy on Democrat/Republican, for or against, taxes or no taxes, healthcare or no healthcare. No one agrees. We all know something has to be done with healthcare but no one is sure what that is. I don’t think anyone in America completely identifies with one party or idea on ALL issues. None of us want to have to pay out more but most of us would be willing to if it creates a positive change in this world. THAT is what we voted for. Well, I did anyway. I don’t know about you.

A grown-ass man and member of Congress called our President a liar last night on the congressional floor. I understand that tempers are flared and a word get heated but, is that really how you show respect to your Commander-In-Chief? He called the man a liar in front of the world and not man-to-man, face-to-face. He was a coward and did it in a group of hundreds of people and on national television. I hated our former President, GWB. I don’t think there is any question about that. I tried my best to accept that he was (allegedly) elected by the majority and I had to bite my tongue until he was gone. I can assure you that if faced with George W. Bush today I would be gracious. I don’t think I would share with him the detriment that I feel he did to this country, nor the distaste that I personally hold for him, his policies, his politics and his people. I would let him know from my heart how I feel that he could have done better. More than likely we would agree to disagree on most matters…or we would go to duke it out.

The world seems to have become a very radical place in a short period of time. Desperate times are indeed calling for desperate measures on behalf of many Americans. War, the economy and unemployment and healthcare are the issues that we asked for our leader to tackle and he is. Had John McCain been elected I don’t think he would have taken half as much action by this time. I find it funny looking back at how fierce of a battle the presidential race seemed just 1 year ago. Today, Sarah Palin is no longer the governor of Alaska, let alone a vice president. She is not even an elected official. I know there are many SP followers that hope to see her again in 2012 but she didn’t finish out her job as Governor which shows that she has no follow-through. I don’t see her being a problem in the future. John’s wife Cindy admitted on the Today show yesterday that she is relieved to not be in Michelle Obama’s shoes right now. She actually came out and said that to Meredith Viera! I personally LOVE Obama but I can see the issue for people who don’t. What were our other options? People no one has heard of? The American media only gives voice to MAJOR political parties so a good portion of presidential candidates were never heard from by mainstream media. Did you know that a black woman ran for President in this last election? I knew strictly from my own research. I never once saw her bio on fox/cnn/msnbc, not so much as a small picture and acknowledgement of throwing her hat in the race. She certainly was not invited to the debates as most of the smaller named candidates were not. Some people say that creating more political parties will cause even more divide than we are seeing now. Is that possible? You have people who don’t agree with their own parties crossing party lines. You have Senators and Congressman voting based on who introduced the bill and how it will affect their bid for re-election by voting on it. Then on the other side you have the American public, hungry for a story. Everything is a scandal. All parties are guilty until proven innocent. We say that Congress and the Senate are full of crooks but we put them there! If we have no faith in our system it is our own fault. I thought the movement behind Barack Obama showed our faith being restored. There were so many people that came out to vote and support the bid for presidency. Where are those people now? When we cast a vote for Change to me that is a commitment within you to accept and embrace that change. Why is it then that Mr. Obama is being met with so much resistance? We voted for Obama, we voted for Change. I feel like our President has a long road ahead of him. It will be 2035 before we can truly gauge what kind of President he was and how he affected America on the whole. He can have no affect without the support of America and the American’s who voted for him. George Bush had the same issue in his administration. He was elected by mostly conservative war lovers and they turned on him when he didn’t find WMD’s. What did you expect? You are the same people that feel like our country profits from war! This issue isn’t just about going to the polls every 4 years and casting your vote. It is about getting involved and engaging the community. It is making your voice heard as well as hearing others. It is understanding that you are not the only person on earth and if we all make a conscious effort, life can be better for us all. No matter whom the President is…

Defense of Marriage ACT----DOMA

The Defense of Marriage Act was signed into law in 1996 by then-President Bill Clinton during the height of his re-election bid. (REALLY?) The proposed purpose of this Act is to defend the sanctity of marriage and make sure that marriage is specifically defined as being between a man and a woman. Now if you are born a woman, have a sex change and then you want to marry your girlfriend…you can. As long as the added penile appendage makes you the opposite sex, it’s all legal. Watch, Chaz Bono is gonna do it.

We hear a lot about Civil Unions but I am not sure that most people, if any, understand what that really means. A Civil Union is basically a registered domestic partnership. It does not extend tax privileges, social security death benefits or many of the other “perks” that “traditional marriage” offers. A “marriage” is recognized across state lines, a civil union is not. Can you imagine crossing the state line and….POOF, you are not married anymore? All of the supposed rights and privileges of Civil Unions are null and void in the eyes of Federal Law as well. When you file your taxes, you check the SINGLE box. So even if the state you live in allows gay marriage, you are not afforded the Federal benefits of marriage because you are not recognized federally, which is a whole other issue unto itself. I digress. You cannot put your same-sex spouse’s children on your healthcare plan as they are not “legally” your kid but in a “traditional family” where mom has 8 babies by 5 different daddies; her 6th husband could cover all of the children that are not his because he has that piece of paper declaring him “married”.

Imagine this scenario: You are in a long term relationship with the love of your life. Your love is not recognized by the state that you live in so you are forced to settle with less rights and privileges than your fellow citizens. Your lover gets sick and can no longer work. You are not a “traditional family”; therefore you cannot add your partner of 10 years to your insurance because your state does not require extension of healthcare benefits to same-sex couples. So your love is sick, with no insurance, no income and you can’t even take off work to help our or take care of them because FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) does not allow for your situation either. Only “traditional families” need apply there as it is a FEDERAL perk for which your “union” is not recognized. Fast forward a few months and your love is dying in a hospital bed because they have no insurance. If you are not an immediate family member you can be turned away from visiting your love. You will not legally have the right to make life altering decisions for them because your “union” is not recognized. If your love dies and their family wants to make your life hell, they can. Many people jointly own a home in 1 persons name (due to lending laws on non-married borrowers, please don’t get me started there) so if your name is not on that house and your love dies, you have no where to live. Their family can strip you of your home if they so choose. You will not receive death benefits that your love paid their whole life so that their love could be cared for when they are gone. If you have children together, you could have a whole new struggle on your hands just to keep your kids under your roof. You might actually have to fight for custody of your children against family members or the state.

Civil Unions are a separate and unequal means to shut-up the gay community, as are “registered domestic partnerships”. What a joke! The one thing that I really don’t understand about the DOMA is that it is fiercely led by religious communities. I understand the far right has some far-out ideas of homosexuality being like bestiality and if we let gays marry we might as well all screw sheep. They also have this idea that one can be “saved” from the pits of homosexuality. I find most of the folks who need saving have a massive Jesus complex coupled with the old, “my mommy didn’t love me so I secretly sleep with men”. I don’t understand what difference it would make to the churchies or recovering gay addicts to just live and let live. How does my sister being able to legally marry her wife have any bearing on you? Does it affect your relationship? Does it take away your rights? Will you become…unmarried when you cross the state line? Do you think it is an epidemic that will render you powerless to the draw of the same sex? If you are a DOMA defender I really do want to hear from you…although I doubt you would be reading this here blog:-)

This all started because HRC, the Human Rights Campaign (you know, the blue and yellow equality sign), e-mailed me asking for my support in contacting my local representatives with my story. The question was: Please explain to us how the DOMA is affecting you and your family. My response is below.

Re: DOMA

My sister and her wife (they were married in Canada but are not recognized as a married couple here in the land of the free) cannot get tax benefits, survivor benefits or even the right to be the decision maker for each other in the event of a medical crisis. Their employers are not required to provide health coverage to "non-traditional" families. There are few laws for hate crimes based on sexual orientation so they could be mugged, murdered and raped BECAUSE of their sexual orientation and that would be ok according to the laws that govern us. They can both be legally dismissed/fired/let go from their jobs in the state that we live in for disclosing their sexual orientation. My biggest issue with DOMA is using God as an excuse. What happened to separation of church and state? Land of the free, home of the brave? Life, liberty and the pursuit of HAPPINESS? Anyone care anymore?

Some of my favorite examples of the sanctity of marriage:
Britney’s 55 hour marriage to Jason Alexander
Governor Mark Sanford- cheating in Buenos Aires
Zsa Zsa Gabor- married 9 times….9 times! 1 was for just 1 day!
Pam and Kid- married just 4 months
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon- married just 2 months
Eddie Murphy and Tracey E. Edmonds- They had that “civil union” but never officially married and split just 2 weeks after their ceremony.
Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley- 3.5 months
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney- 4 months
Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra- Dennis called no joy after 2 weeks but they remained “married” for 6 months
J. Lo and Chris Judd as well as Ojani Noa (I know, I forgot him too!)
Jim Carey and Lauren Holly- 9 months
Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria- 11 months
John Edwards could have been our president while he was making babies with someone other than his wife.
Mark Foley- e-mailed his young mail pages with requests for BJ’s
Eliot Spitzer- prostitution scandal
The Lewinsky scandal

Ok, so you get my point on the sanctity of marriage then, right? The only way to create change is to talk about issues and bring about understanding. Most people do not understand DOMA. When Prop 8 (or H8) as I prefer to call it went on the ballot in California it was:

Yes to be against gay marriage (Yes to take their rights)

No to be for Gay Marriage (No, don’t be a bigot)

There was only a 4% swing to the other side. I am going to say that is a tricky question, that, when worded more clearly in the future will hopefully be thrown out altogether. I believe that we were all created equal. I believe we are all entitled to the same rights and privileges as the next person. I believe it is time that we start backing up the values that this country was founded on.

Just "curious"...

Last week yet another local catholic priest was arrested for child sex crimes. This case was in connection with an internet scheme directed towards busting customers of under aged prostitutes. Cops posing as girls as young as 12 years old surf the net and wait to be propositioned by pedophiles. I cannot image being the person that has to pose as a kid and let some sicko talk dirty to them until he is ready to make a move.

The priest in this case responded to an ad offering "young females of an indeterminate age," he offered $80 for 30 minutes with a 16 year old. He first requested a massage but when turned down moved onto kissing and oral sex. It was made clear on numerous occasions that the “girl” was only 16. He then got directions by phone to the location in which he was to meet her and showed up with the money in his pocket. He became suspicious at some point and attempted to flee. He was apprehended at that time by police.

Here is the only statement released as of today from the Catholic Church:

In a news conference, Carlson said Grady is suspended pending the outcome of the case. As long as the charges remain only allegations, Carlson said, the archdiocese will pay Grady's legal bills and post bail if it's set.

Carlson said church officials are working on arranging a "secure," monitored location if Grady is released.

I will post this entire story at the end of this blog so you can read up on it for yourself. I am in awe that the Catholic Church will pay to defend this man as long as they are only “allegations”. Essentially, if he pleads not guilty and denies this thing the whole way, they will take care of him. Isn’t that nice? I wonder if all of those God-fearing Catholics out there know that their weekly tithe is going towards the defense of pedophiles.

It amazes me that Catholics will condemn the gays but support this activity. They are against consensual sexual relations between a loving same sex couple but they allow their church leaders to have their way with their own children? Call me a hater if you will but I don’t love anyone’s God enough to sacrifice even 1 child in his name, let alone the countless that have come forward over the years. How much more shame are these people willing to accept? This was not a “moment of weakness”. A moment of weakness is eating chocolate after you have just started your new diet or continuing to cut off just a little bit more brownie to get your fix. A moment of weakness is hitting the snooze button for just 5 more minutes of sleep. This is a sex crime. It is molestation. It is rape when you have sex with a kid. The Catholic Church used to be the biggest charity in the world. Now the Pope wears Prada and the church stands behind child molesters.

Father Grady was released on Friday on $10,000 bond and ordered to wear an electronic anklet during his stay at the Vianney Renewal Center in Dittmer until his trial date. I personally think they should cut off his penis and serve it to him cold for dinner. Amen.


EARLIER STORY:
ST. LOUIS — The arrest of a Catholic priest in an FBI pedophile sting is a "black eye" for all priests, Archbishop Robert J. Carlson said Thursday.

Charges against the Rev. James Patrick Grady, pastor of St. Raphael the Archangel Church in south St. Louis, spurred a few parishioners to meet privately with archdiocesan officials and Carlson, who promised to celebrate Mass there on Saturday.

Grady, 57, showed up Wednesday at a house used as an FBI trap after arranging to pay for a sex act with a 16-year-old girl, federal court documents say.

After spotting an online ad offering "young females of an indeterminate age," Grady and an undercover investigator exchanged e-mails, and the officer sent Grady a digitally altered picture of a 16-year-old girl, according to an affidavit by FBI Special Agent Cynthia Dockery.

Grady agreed to pay $80 for 30 minutes and was told the girl was just 16, Dockery wrote. He asked for a massage and was turned down, then asked for kissing and oral sex, the document says.

By phone, Grady got directions to a secret location in St. Louis County, Dockery wrote. He showed up with the money but became suspicious and had turned to leave when he was arrested.

Grady admitted sending the e-mails and said he went to the house because he was "curious," the affidavit says. He also said he was a priest.

Later, FBI agents later went to the parish during a Knights of Columbus meeting and seized Grady's personal computer, Carlson said he was told.

Grady was indicted Thursday in U.S. District Court in St. Louis on a charge of attempting to obtain a minor for a commercial sex act, which carries a potential penalty of 10 years to life in federal prison.

Prosecutors asked that Grady be held until trial, saying the offense is considered a crime of violence and that he is a "threat to the community."

In a news conference, Carlson said Grady is suspended pending the outcome of the case. As long as the charges remain only allegations, Carlson said, the archdiocese will pay Grady's legal bills and post bail if it's set.

Carlson said church officials are working on arranging a "secure," monitored location if Grady is released.

He also said Grady's file has "nothing in it to indicate anything of this nature."

Carlson said the accusation represents "a serious fracture in the trust relationship" between parishioners and priests. He also said it damages the reputation of priests and triggers an examination of, "What more should we be doing that we haven't done?"

He pledged to send letters and e-mails to notify the parish community and ask all the parishes where Grady served for information about him.

The Archdiocese of St. Louis was rattled by the same kind of sexual abuse accusations against priests that swept the country early this decade. Carlson is new here, taking charge just seven weeks ago.

He said a routine recent examination of parish computers found no inappropriate material. He did question why Grady needed his own computer when the parish had them.

Carlson said he was told the priest "tended to be a quiet individual."

Grady was ordained in 1977 and served in parishes across the area, including Little Flower in Richmond Heights, Assumption in South County, St. Ferdinand in Florissant and the Cathedral Basilica and Holy Family in St. Louis. He became pastor of Sacred Heart Church in Elsberry in 1995, Holy Innocents in St. Louis in 2001 and St. Raphael in 2005.

About six parents of children at the parish school met with Monsignor Richard Hanneke, the archdiocesan director of priest personnel, and other officials Thursday afternoon.

Ann Perryman, the school board president, emerged saying, "It was a completely isolated incident, I believe." She added, "I think he had a moment of weakness."

To Tom Magee, a parent and past president of the school board, the news was like "a kick in the stomach." But he said that St. Raphael is a strong parish. "We'll survive."

Earlier Thursday, parish school board member Michael Foley, said, "I am shocked. Speechless." He said Grady is a "very quiet man, kept to himself and always seemed very pious."

Grady was the third man arrested in an FBI sting that began in early July.

Serenity NOW

This week has been a rough one. I am feeling the pressure now more than ever with my mounting debt and lack of income to cover it. I have been contemplating the 2nd job to pay debt vs. schooling to eventually make more money and be able to support my life. School costs money, even with grants, and money is a huge part of my issue right now. I have decided on the 2nd job route and will still continue to research schooling and see what I think. It is so frustrating to not have any clue what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes I wonder if I will grow up or if I will work meaningless jobs for the rest of my days. Will I struggle like this always? I am definitely not getting ahead but I am not getting behind anymore either, which I was for a long time. My income has been cut drastically over the years and this was bound to come crashing down eventually. It is such a burden and a stress that I feel like my only option is to tackle it head on and just knock away at it. Part of me really wants to be like the people I called back in my collection days and just say screw it. Alas, that is not my personality and I would be no happier with that approach. I do recognize that I am lucky to have a job and to at least be making enough to support myself but that isn’t helping me today like it normally does.

Home is stressful as well. Dan has a lot to do before he starts back to EMT classes in the fall. When he is overwhelmed and stressed out, I tend to feel the same. We have had our share of bumps along the road in reference to co-habitation. We don’t get very much quality time together and that makes communication hard. There are a lot of stressors for both of us. We have had PB most of the summer and as you have heard in prior posts her manners just are not what they used to be, nor what they should be. Dan made dinner Tuesday night and I picked up PB. The babysitter could not get her to eat her lunch so after an hour she threw it away and gave her only water for the rest of the day at our request. So we get home about 7:30 and PB is all excited about dinner as she has not eaten since breakfast. Dan made a chicken noodle casserole with Italian seasoning that was probably the best dish he has cooked to date. She likes noodles. She likes chicken. She likes cheese. She would not eat it.

Since Dan’s return from the Wild West PB had had no issues with eating. It could be she liked what we had or just felt like she didn’t want to rock the boat with dad. I was starting to feel like maybe it was me. She just doesn’t listen or follow directions with me. Alas, she acted insane to her father…FINALLY! She sat at the dinner table from 7:30pm-11:30pm. She has the new habit of making herself throw up and just before Dan and I got up from eating you could see from the look in her eyes that was the plan. Dan told her if she threw up she was eating it. I had to get up at that point and just walk away. She cried like a newborn baby for about an hour. Then she fell asleep. Then she cried more because she had to go to the bathroom (common excuse for her in this situation) and I am sure she did after all of that time at the table. I kissed Dan goodnight at 11:15pm and he was at the table with her telling her she had 5 minutes to eat or he was going up to bed and leaving her downstairs to eat her food. After 4 hours and many breakdowns the child finally ate her dinner. At least it wasn’t me was all I could think.

Ok, enough Debbie Downer…time for Polly Positive. My sister completed the bar exam today! She is finally headed home from Jefferson City!!! She can live a normal life and pull herself out of her books. I am not sure she will know what to do with herself. I am so proud of her and I cannot wait to hang out and catch up. It has been a long time.

Another positive note, my bestest friend in the whole wide world flew in from Colorado last night with her husband and baby. I have not seen her son since October of last year so I am super excited. It will be nice to catch up and just spend some renewing time with family and loved ones. We are meeting up tonight at her parents house to kick off the festivities. She will be in Chicago this weekend but hopefully we will get some time to hang early next week before she heads back. That’s all I got. I can’t wait for Friday and then the weekend to relax and hopefully de-stress my life. Happy day to you and yours!