Survivor

 

sur·vi·vor

/sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

"the sole survivor of the massacre"

o the remainder of a group of people or things.

"a survivor from last year's team"

o a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

"she is a born survivor"

 

I have struggled for the last year with this word, survivor. If you get Cancer and live, you are a survivor. As soon as you hear the word Cancer, your mind begins end of life arrangements without your consent. Because I have amazing friends and support, within 45 days of diagnosis of Breast Cancer last year I had a Will, Trust, and Power of Attorney with a medical directive. No one knows what will happen in health matters and I wanted to cover all my bases. Also, I might be a bit of a control freak, and this gave me something to control whilst so much was spinning out of my orbit.

 There are so many levels to the Cancer fight that it’s hard to get your head around. If this, then that. We hope this but worst case is that. There are about 25 hurry-up and wait moments before there are any answers. Hurry up and book with this doctor but more tests, more wait, more opportunity to lose your mind. They try to lay out the information for you, but it is too much, and your mind and heart cannot take it all at once. For me it was one test, one day, one more doctor, until….what? I made myself crazy over information I knew I had no control over. When the calls, results and final appointments came; I was so incredibly lucky and blessed that every single call was the best of a worst-case scenario.

 My Cancer was in my right breast, Stage 1, not in the lymph nodes, hormone receptive and non-aggressive. There was precancerous evidence on the left but no Cancer, yet. It was all the things you want to hear. After much research and conversation with other trusted Survivors, I chose a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I didn’t want to risk recurrence, as I had seen happen to so many others. The mastectomy doesn’t guarantee that the Cancer won’t return but it gives me the best shot, and more importantly, peace of mind. Because I removed all the breast tissue, Hormone therapy would give me very little benefit with tons of unwanted side effects. I opted not to do the 10 years of Tamoxifen pills that was suggested by Oncology. I was 43 years old and the idea of early menopause, dry vagina, hormonal imbalance, and a host of other possible terrible side effects really made the decision for me. This was not a choice I made lightly and if the doctors had advised against it, I would have reconsidered. Both my surgeon and Oncologist were supportive of this decision because, the fact of the matter is, they don’t know if it’s needed but they treat everyone the same and work to give you the best chance of survival and I appreciate that. I also appreciate the opportunity to choose what is best for me and that is what I did. This was a privilege and a gift to have the choice and I know that. Not everyone has options.

 For me, early detection and swift action gave me choices that I know most do not have. I had surgery, I recovered, and I will see Oncology once a year until they kick me out to 5, then hopefully 10. Cancer will always be a part of my life and world now, but it will never own me. In my mind, I basically had a boob job. Granted, I would not have chosen to do that, but for Cancer. It was hard in the fact that surgery didn’t feel like a choice. In the end, it was. I could have gone to the first terrible butcher surgeon at Barnes St. Peters and opted for the lumpectomy she suggested. She was going to remove both nipples for “symmetry” and couldn’t tell me how or where she would cut me. I could have opted for a few other courses of treatment, but I CHOSE what was best for me and I had to continuously remind myself of that to keep my anger at bay. It felt then and still feels like the easy way and for me, it was. I was lucky to have an inner KNOWING that mastectomy was my choice. After that jarring initial surgery consult, I immediately opted for a 2^nd opinion even though doing so could extend my time until surgery. I knew in my heart she was not right for me (or anyone), and I had to advocate for myself. I ended up keeping both nipples and having an undercut like a normal breast augmentation. Because I advocate for myself, I was able to get exactly what I chose.

 To say it has been a long and emotional road is an understatement. No one chooses Cancer, unfortunately, Cancer chooses you. Therefore, I struggle with the word Survivor. I’ve seen my mom fight Cancer for 10 years. Ovarian twice and then Breast. I know countless people that fought the good fight and their Cancer returned, sometimes multiple times. There are others that have had botched procedures, bad doctors, terrible hospital tales and zero support. I had a tribe of women surrounding me, many of them survivors. I heard the stories you don’t tell anyone besides someone that may have to walk your path. My survivors were the ultimate support and epitome of Warriors. They walked through fire, sometimes multiple times, and SURVIVED! The question I asked myself most of this year is, how do I stand beside these amazing women, whom I do consider Warrior Survivors and count myself among them?

 Early on, countless well-meaning people told me how lucky I was that all I was getting from Cancer was a boob job. Those were hard things to work through emotionally. I certainly didn’t feel “lucky” and there was much spiritual therapy required to work through those feelings. Now, almost a year later, I got way more than boobs from Cancer. I learned a shit ton about Cancer and myself. I also learned who the people around me are, some for the good and others not so much. I learned who my helpers and true tribe are, those in my life that step up no matter what. I learned that I have so much left to live and give in this life. I learned who I am and what I am capable of…and I also happened to get new boobs! I can now laugh and appreciate better where those well-meaning people were coming from. Most importantly I’ve learned in this last year that I am a survivor. It’s the club you never want to be in, but I am honored and blessed to count myself among this group of amazing and courageous badass ladies!

#BreastCancerAwareness #Survivor