And on to the sads…

I don’t know what it is about me but in any given situation that I find upsetting, first I get mad and then on to sad. Today I have a serious case of the sads. I was going to skip the blog altogether today. I mean, who wants to hear about the sads? We all have problems. Sometimes when you are down yourself the last thing you need to hear about is someone else’s sadness. I understand. This year started out with a quest to honestly blog so here it is raw, uncut and super-duper foul.

I still hate my boss. The more I think about his ultimatum the angrier I get. When I interviewed for this job it was something completely different than what I do today. Not to mention, I was completely honest with him. I do not believe in the stock market and I have no interest in licensing! I have been MORE than accommodating to his whimsical theatrics and constant change of plans. When we spoke earlier this week I was angered by most of what he said. Today, my feelings are hurt. I have way more to offer than what he is accepting. He would rather do other things than to build this business which just so happens to be part of my job. He admits to checking out. He tells me how great I am at what I do but then he hinders the hell out of me while I try to do it.

Today was more of the same B.S. A valued friend told me that no matter what certificate or accolade I add to my resume it is more experience for me. She suggested I go for it and get my series 6 license and if nothing else use it to find another job. That theory is all good and fine except I don’t want a job in finance. Truth be told, I didn’t want this one but I needed it. Further licensing will only subject me to offers in an industry that I don’t want to be in. I don’t want money to keep me in a job I hate. Right now the main draw to getting my license is the raise that will come with it. Then there is that fear that I won't leave because of money.

The second fold of this tangled web is that I just recently went back to school. This is not something I shared with my boss, as my personal life is none of his business. Now that he is pressuring for licensing it seems necessary to tell him I have gone back to school. I am on a grant this semester and I have grant funds for summer so the earliest I could even think of my series 6 is fall. I don’t think I could carry a class load, a full time job and study for a securities license. I am talented but not that good. So IF I decided to go for the series 6, college would have to go on hold. (insert HUGE frown here!)

The absolute worst part of this entire week has been me, my attitude and my outlook. Happiness is perspective, I know this. I also know my perspective sucks! I have been feeling something that I wouldn’t admit to most of my closest friends but I am going to reveal here for all of the blogosphere to judge. I am lonely. So lonely that at times, it is palpable in the air. So lonely it hurts. So lonely that I cried alone in my car yesterday and there was no one to care or even know. I haven’t allowed myself to cry since I left CL’s house the day I had to leave Max behind. I thought if I let myself start I would just never stop. I think I may have been on to something.

I have tons of friends and great people in my life. I don’t miss CL or his games and bullshit at all. I miss the idea of having someone who cares about you. I didn’t have that with CL, which is why I say I miss the ‘idea’ of it. Why did it make me feel so good to “think” someone was there? If I could trick myself so easily back then, why can’t I now? Other long-term friendships are slipping away. There is a tremendous amount of sadness from that as well. The person that I used to talk to everyday about everything is no longer who and what they used to be. They honestly haven’t been in a really long time but this week I had the time to think about just how long that relationship has been gone and it makes me feel so low.

At the same time, there is something inside of me that KNOWS change is coming. I have been scheduling every appointment under the sun the past few weeks; dentist, GYN and anything else that will require insurance. I have clearly been preparing for a job change. It might be weeks or months away but without even knowing it, I have been planning for it. I realize I didn’t have CL or his support at any point in our relationship. That has been a huge eye opener for me. I will not accept less than what I need in the future. I feel as if this ‘out with the old’ mentality is preparation for ‘in with the new’. I am trying to break old habits and get out there to try new things with new people.

Tonight I am going to a wedding with my roomy. Tomorrow I have class and then I am going to see my sister and her wife to have some dinner and hopefully a bit of fun. Sunday I am doing Bah-fucking-humbug-Valentine’s Day with my friends Nicole and Aaron. I need to shake this serious case of the sads. Many people have it way worse than I do. Parents are losing their jobs and homes and cannot provide for their kids. That is a problem. Someone out there lost their best friend today, for real. Not just over some stupid bullshit. People are suffering all over the world and here I am being a poor-me! Pity party, table for 1…your time is up. I am off to drunken weekend debauchery in hopes of turning this frown upside down!