“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”~Mary Pickford

It is the end of an era. For those of you who know me personally, when I moved in with CL 10 months ago I felt like that was a new beginning for me. My ex roommate and I had lived together off and on since 2002. After all of those years we still managed to not part on the best terms. I also felt then like such a new beginning was taking over. I was so eager, hopeful and alive feeling. The experience of living with CL taught me so much. PB was one of the best things to ever happen to my life. She taught me that I have what it takes to be a mom. If I can love a child that is not even mine as much as I loved her; I know I can do it with my own. We have already been down the long list of things I have learned so I won’t bore you with details but you can see that I am searching for the positive here.
Last year CL and I split for about a month. Come to think of it, today is the 1 year anniversary of our 1st break-up. Yay! The circumstances were eerily similar to our recent split as far as the shut out and shut down of emotions from his side. After the shock, hurt and anger wore off I really got to the root of myself and what I wanted during that time. I wanted to work out my debt. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to make a life for myself. I was determined that 2009 would be the year I would take it all on. A few weeks later CL crawled out of his cave and contacted me. We got back together shortly after. I don’t regret my decisions of the past. I would have always wondered what would have been if I hadn’t taken the time to find out. I have said before and I still say that I used CL and PB as a way to avoid what needed to be done in my life. He was so busy with work. We rarely saw her. They were my focus. That is all good and fine if that focus is reciprocated but in this situation, it was not. I had lots of spare time to do for myself but I CHOSE not to. I take full responsibility for that. The more I gave to him, the more he took. The more I did, the less he did. The more I tried, the less he tried. I knew that, I felt it down deep but I kept on going.
No matter what; CL and I are through. It took so much for me to trust and love again after the first betrayal. No matter how much I love or care for him there is no going back for me. Perhaps someday we can be friends but I really don’t see that in my future. He will eventually crawl out of his cave again but I am not sure how I will act or react, if at all. The things that I wanted a year ago are still the things that I want today. For the past month instead of concentrating on how messed up the NOW is, I am looking forward. Continuing to live under the same roof as CL has been hard but he works a lot and has avoided being home much at all. It isn’t like he tries to talk. Quite the contrary actually, he has been hiding in the spare bedroom when he is home. Who hides in 1 room of their own house like that? Now you see why he got the Cowardly Lion nickname. When this all happened (very unexpectedly to me) I wanted to take the time that I needed to work out my mind as well as my finances before moving. I spoke to someone to get advice on my debt and I feel much better just being informed. The unknown or avoided situation can create such unneeded anxiety. That anxiety is gone now. It really is true that taking that first step makes the next ones so much easier. I applied for school at the local community college last week and yesterday I was accepted! I still need to work out financial aid, scheduling and when I can start but it is the beginning of my new life.
Once debt and school were finally under way I was ready to find a new place to live. I have been in talks with many friends and some relatives. Some offered a room for a time, some offered a place to crash for the night, others offered keys so that their sanctuary could become mine if need be. Thank you to all of you. You know who you are and I don’t know what I would do without you. My main issue was my immediate need (like yesterday) and I have a 100 pound dog. Renting an apartment was out. They usually don’t take big dogs and with work and school I would be paying for a very large kennel for my dog. It would also be tight financially to do it on my own right now. My mom offered a free room at her house out in the boonies. It is an hour drive (1/2 on back country roads) from my work in good weather conditions with no traffic. Bad weather and traffic it would be more like 2 hours. My dog would have to be outside there as well and that is not an option for me unless there was no other choice. He’s my baby! Plus, she’s my mom…you’ve heard enough about that to understand, I think. No offence, I love her but I left home at 16 and never looked back. I don’t think I would survive a week.
After many talks and much deliberation I have finally decided on a place! I am so excited, relieved and happy that I just don’t know what to say. I will be moving in with my friend, Ferg! He is 32, divorced and has 2 kids part-time. I have known him since high school. I was actually in his wedding and his ex is still a good friend of mine as well. He owns his home and is in need of a roommate. He has a full basement that I will be renting. It is a bedroom, full bath and living room ALL FOR ME! Well, me and Bo (the big dog). It will be a nice sanctuary to figure out my stuff and get back on track. It is centrally located so it is about 15 minutes from everything in town. It literally sits at the center of 4 major highways. I will be half of the distance from work which in traffic time amounts to about 30-45 minutes. I will also still be close to all of my friends and most of my family (mom is further). Ferg has a fenced in backyard and a runt-lab (damn, he’s small) of his own so Bo is more than welcome. I’ve known the kids since birth and they are cool. Ferg was so excited when I called as he was about to post an ad in the paper for a stranger to move in. He and his ex are both relieved that it will be me instead. The plan is to do this for 6 months and talk after that to see how we both feel. If either of us wants out before then we give 30 days’ notice to the other. The rent is affordable, includes all utilities AND Ferg even has DVR which I hear is very close to my boyfriend, TIVO, whom I was most sad to be leaving behind. Other than that he has his space and I have mine. The kids are only there part time so when he doesn’t have them he isn’t really home much. I am so grateful that this opportunity came up. We will both be helping each other out and that is a good feeling.
The next week will be all about packing and organizing for a move next weekend. I am meeting with the financial aid office next week to finalize school. I am well on my way to the fresh start that I have been hoping for. And lookie here…just in time to close out 2009!