Mr. Cuddles

Have you even had a situation or circumstance where someone in your life always appears or reappears at just the right time? I strongly believe that we all come into each other’s life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some friendships or relationships are meant to be lasting and some just serve their purpose and go. I am not sure which category this falls into and at this moment it really doesn’t matter. The reason, this season, is not important. What is important is the feeling that it left behind.

As you all know I have been going through the motions of this break-up for almost 2 months now. Living under the same roof has been borderline bearable and I will be relieved to finally get out. The feeling of being unwanted tends to wear on you after a while, no matter who you are. Over that past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about love, desire and intimacy. There was a lot of love in my relationship. We both had strong feelings and that was never in question. I still do not question that today. I know that I had desire. Mostly I desired things I did not have with him. I am not sure if he ever did have desire and I certainly did not feel any desire for me. There was no intimacy. I don’t know that I totally recognized that until recently. I knew something was lacking. I knew I needed a closeness and level of understanding with him that I did not have. I fought for it but in the end, I lost.

Very recently someone came back into my life; I guess that is not the proper term, as he never really left. We have always had this level of attraction between us. Probably about 5 years ago we got drunk at a party and cuddled up for a good night’s sleep (ok, maybe a few times). We have celebrated major milestones in life together. I don’t think we ever had 1 single one-on-one conversation during that time. The exchange of general pleasantries has been about it for us. So recently we had a party where another drunken sleep over was necessary. Mr. Cuddles, as he will be known from here on out, offered up his cuddling services. I was hesitant at first but truth be told, I have no idea why. I am extremely comfortable with him. He is a good guy, probably better than most I know. Is that the hesitation? Am I scared of good guys? Or is it my fear of letting someone in again?

In the end, I let my guard down. We talked about things we have never discussed while completely wrapped up in each other, cuddling so close I could feel every beat of our hearts and every breath we took. In the past I have been known to have issues with clingy people. I think that was my fear of intimacy and my inability to let go and just let someone be close to me. Mr. Cuddles made me realize this without even knowing it. He asked me questions about my life that really made me think. I can’t tell you how long it has been since that happened. Just having someone engage in a conversation and show an interest in what I had to say was refreshing. I can’t even explain to you the sense of release that came with just being there with him and allowing him to be there with me. I didn’t realize how much I have had my guard up lately until I let it down. I didn’t realize how much I missed feeling close to someone, being held and just talking. I didn’t realize how little intimacy I had in my life until that moment. I knew that I was craving attention and love in my past relationship but I had no idea how much. I felt more loved, accepted and close to him that night than I did in the entire 2 year relationship that just ended.

This thought made me very sad at first. I don’t even KNOW this person, really. Our draw to each other seems sporadic and really for convenience sake. At the same time, it brought me something that I really needed at a time that could not have been better. Perhaps it will be another 5 years, if ever, before we turn to each other again but I feel like a new woman because of that night with Mr. Cuddles. I felt so safe, warm and loved. It could have all been an illusion but it doesn’t really matter. My heart is lighter and my days are brighter knowing that there is so much more out there for me and even more importantly I am ready to accept it! I think sometimes in relationships we tend to settle for certain things. This experience put me another step closer to realizing what I want and what I know I deserve out of life. Thanks to my time with Mr. Cuddles I won’t be forgetting that any time soon!