77 comments later...

I created a stir this week, a big one. It was on Facebook and really innocent enough. I was super duper hung over Tuesday and instead of my usual uplifting daily quote I updated my status with what was on my mind. (Big no-no for furture)

First I posted this: Lemme make sure I got this right. Just because I am not interested in you I must hate men or be a lesbian? Buddy, if my last chance for sex on earth were you or a woman, I will take the vajayjay. At least with a woman I would have a full head of hair to grab onto and I could avoid the stupid questions like "what's the ...wildest thing you've ever done?” Bang; dead douche walking. And he still almost went in for a kiss!

I was still clearly frustrated from Monday night's debauchery!

Second: Bottomless pit Tuesday over here at Hangover Hollow. 1 bagel and cream cheese, 8 cups of coffee, a 2 piece Church's Chicken lunch with double mashed taters and gravy WITH corn and fried okra (hangover remedy of champions) all before noon. Still hungry. (posted around 11am, not proud, just sayin')

I eat like a horse when I am hung over.

Third (This is the doozy that got panties in a bunch): Is it just me or does anyone else wonder where all of these millions for Haiti are really going?

I got 77 comments and 3 "likes". My issue is that most of these comments were politically driven. My friends come from all different walks of life and have varied opinions. This became a platform to hate on current reform, recent elections and become downright insulting to others' political views. WHERE IS THE FREAKING MONEY? I don't care who you voted for. I am very liberal in most of my views but perhaps this is one where I am more conservative. I don't see why our government, who has enough trouble of their own, sees the need to fork over millions of dollars to a corrupt government. This aid has been pouring in for weeks but we see little results on the ground.

Between the Hope for Haiti telethon, our government (in debt how many trillions?) and the millions of independent donors I think we can all agree the figure raised is upwards of 100 million. Does anyone have any idea the amount of interest earned on 100 million dollars, daily? How about this texting for the Red Cross? They are airing commercials on Clear Channel. Who is paying for that? Last I checked the Red Cross has out-of-hand administrative costs so something like $4 comes off the top of your donation to pay salaries, healthcare and for private jets. Where does the other $6 go? You can give an extra dollar anywhere and everywhere right now in the name of Haiti. Who is making sure that money get to the victims?

Let's be honest, for probably 50 million, you could level the whole country and start over. So where is the damned money? There is this little gem of a website: http://www.charitynavigator.org/ that makes you wonder when it is ok to ask where your money went. If you read long and hard enough it basically says you can't. In a few months you may get a general answer but nothing specific.

I am a giver. I am all about helping others. This whole scene reminds me of Katrina. I know they are not the same but the images of people in our country experiencing the same crisis did not evoke this level of concern. Our government did a terrible job of helping those in need here at home. I am not saying we deserve help more or less than the next person but shouldn't we take care of ourselves so we are better prepared to help others? We are not in a position as a country to help right now. American citizens are struggling each day. I talk to union workers who lose their jobs daily. I know many single moms who aren't sure where there next meal will appear from. I know Haiti deserves help. I know that, unfortunately, as Americans we are taught the best way to help is to send money. There seems to be a lot of money that remains unaccounted for. I am thinking the Haitians would do better with our prayers for a stable government. Or how about prayers that the relief we have already given will be received? How long will America continue to capitalize on this tragedy? I pray for a better way of life for them as they rebuild but I won't be sending my text to save Haiti anytime soon.

Me and Leigh-Leigh~The full story

Today is the 10 year anniversary of Leigh's death. I want to remember her always and many people ask me about our friendship so I tried my best to detail it here. Our story is a lengthy one so I broke it down into 8 parts. Here are the links to each:

Where it all began- Part 1

The early years- Part 2

Finding home- Part 3

Making friends for life- Part 4

Growing up- Part 5

The best of times- Part 6

LOST- Part 7

Changes deep within- Part 8

I love hearing other people's memories of Leigh and I know her mom does too so feel free to leave a comment of your memories, either on my blog itself or on Facebook, and I will share with the Gramlich's.

Changes deep within- Part 8

Losing Leigh rocked my world. I didn’t believe in God before she died and I hated him/her after. My old Aunt Louise was on her last leg, blind and sick when Leigh died. She met and loved Leigh like the rest of my family and for months after it hurt her deeply to think that God let her live in such a horrible state and took Leigh’s young life. Eventually it was Aunt Louise that convinced me there was a higher power, maybe not God, as people speak of the man but someone or something that knows better than we do. If Leigh was taken, there was a good reason. I think it helped both me and Aunt Louise to talk through this. She felt like there was a bigger job for Leigh in Heaven than there was on Earth. This is how she explained that old theory that only the good die young.

This theory really made me think. Leigh was way wise beyond her years so it made sense. She didn’t waste time on things. She embraced and enjoyed every second of her life on earth. This realization made me start to take stock of my own life. I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I was too young for where it was headed and it wasn’t what I wanted. I knew this before Leigh died. But losing her made me see that life was too short to waste time on what you don’t want. I could die tomorrow and this wasn’t the legacy that I wanted to leave behind. I thought long and hard about my decision. After 6 months I told Chad we were through and I got my very own apartment for the first time in my life. Instead of praying to God/spirit/Universe at the time, I prayed to Leigh.

During this time, my bond with Leigh’s family and friends solidified. We did fund raiser for Leigh’s house which required a lot of planning and together time. I don’t know how I would have gotten through without that time. I spent lots of time at the Gramlich’s house, my home away from home, and it never got less weird to be there without Leigh. Right up until they sold the house last year, I always felt her there. Sometimes that was what really drew me back.

Paul, me and Robin at one of the fundraisers for the Vivian Leigh Gramlich Cornerstone House
The fundraising committee

There are still times to this day that I can feel Leigh in my car with me. Like she is riding shot gun and just chatting away about something. I can FEEL her there. This might sound creepy to some of you but with the feeling of peace that comes over me, I know it is her. When Aunt Louise died and I had to read her eulogy I prayed to Leigh for support. I didn’t cry, stutter or miss a beat and everyone told me how wonderful I did. I gave all credit to Leigh.

They say the angels are speaking to you if you look at a clock and it is 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44…well, you get the point. This used to happen ALL of the time and still does when I am down or need that connection. It seems to happen a lot around the times I talk to the Gramlich’s, Joanne or Brooke for some reason. So many times I run into Leigh’s girls and know that she is orchestrating from Heaven. Just last week I was out with my friend Gina when Meaghan just appeared out of nowhere. I haven’t seen her in a long time and we just happened to be at the same place, same time. This wouldn’t be strange accept Meaghan is married with kids and rarely goes out. Not to mention she NEVER really goes to the city and that is where we saw each other. I know we could both feel Leigh in that one too.

I would have never thought 10 years ago that I would be able to look back on Leigh’s death with anything but grief. I am still sad. I miss her every day. I think about her, her parents and what they brought to my life so often. I think of her smile and her amazing blue eyes and it makes my mind go all sorts of directions. It is much like in one of the last episodes of Sex and the City when Carrie is leaving for Paris and she says to her girls; “I had a thought today. What if I had never met you?”

If I had never met Leigh I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn’t have had anywhere to live junior year. I wouldn’t have met all of Leigh’s girls who have had such an influence on my life and are still friends of mine to this day. I wouldn’t have had the Gramlich’s words of wisdom at every turn. More than half of my life’s lessons would be gone. I wouldn’t have the faith in a higher power that I have. I might have married Chad or at least still be with him. I would never have learned my worth as an independent woman (or maybe it would have just taken much longer). I wouldn’t have the relationship with my mom that I have today. I wouldn't have the knowing that no matter what happens I can make it through. I woundn't have the ability on my worst days to stop, think and consider that today someone lost their best friend and what is going on with me is way less consequential than that. I wouldn't be able to go through life knowing that I have my very own angel, out there somewhere, has always got my back.

The month before I moved out of mine and Chad's house I visited my sister in Reno. We were driving up the mountain and I had a vision of this tattoo. My brother-in-law at the time new a great artist and so we made it happen. This was one of the best decisions I ever made. I love it when people ask me what it means and who she was. I once ran into a sorority sister of Leigh's in a bar. I had never met her but she saw my tattoo and stopped me to let me know that she had been touched by her as well.

I love you Leigh-Leigh. I miss you everyday. I thank you so much for what you have given to my life and I know that someday we will be together again.

LOST- Part 7

In the days and weeks following Leigh’s death my life was a haze. I missed a week of work at a job I had had since graduation. My co-workers, friends, family and everyone in my life were absolutely amazing. A guy at work that I didn’t really like painted a picture of a cross in a meadow and left it on my desk with a note about how much he felt for me. I visited Leigh’s grave almost daily. She would frequently send me signs that she was with me; sometimes blowing up my skirt or shirt while at the gravesite (who else would do that?) other times with just a feeling.

The Christmas before Leigh died she and her mom took gifts to the Youth In Need Cornerstone house for girls. Leigh was devastated by the conditions in which they lived. It was bare necessity, nothing pretty, girly or frilly and that just wasn’t acceptable to Leigh. She wanted to go out right then and there to buy new comforters, pillow, towels and décor for each girl. It just wasn’t possible.

After losing Leigh it was NECESSARY for us all to have something to put our energy into. Memorial donations were made to Youth In Need with whom the Gramlich’s had been active with prior to Leigh’s death. Youth In Need decided to dedicate the Cornerstone House to Leigh’s memory and take all of those donations to make it a better place. We had so many volunteers. We painted and fixed up the house and then went to work on Leigh’s original goal. Each girl got a comforter with matching sheets in their freshly painted rooms. There was color, light and warmth and it looked like a home. We got very close to the girls living in the house at the time. Tuesday nights became our night to go over there and make dinner. Whoever could make it went. Usually it was the Gramlich’s and some of their friends, Brooke, Joanne, myself and Tommy, one of Leigh’s old boyfriends. I don’t know who it helped more, the girls that were living there or all of us. It was time together in Leigh’s memory that we all needed to move on.

As time went by, it got hard to visit the house. I lived very close to where all of the girls went to school and the director and I worried that they would find out how close I was and attempt to run away to my house. Even after we stopped Tuesday night dinner, Robin still made sure every girl was adopted for Christmas and got everything on her list. Like I said, we needed this time. Youth In Need gave us healing and we gave them a whole new and improved Vivian Leigh Gramlich Cornerstone House.

The best of times- Part 6

Leigh and I talked almost weekly while she was away at school. Our lives continued to grow in separate directions but we always maintained the sisterhood we formed in junior high. When she was home on the weekend or for holidays we were together. We continued to celebrate the holidays as a family each year. The Gramlich’s house was just another stop for me after mom and dads.

My 21st birthday was our last party time together. I still have the gift that Leigh gave me, the top that I wore out that night. We got a party bus and went to The Oz nightclub to see strippers. We had a fantastic time! Leigh was a new woman compared to the girl I had known. We hadn’t been OUT together in a long time and college had definitely taught her some things. We danced in the cage that night (my first time) and we must have heard Back that Ass Up 10 times. We made it our song of the evening. To this day when I hear it I can see Leigh and Meaghan backing it up in the parking lot of The Oz before we went in. It is always at the top of my club requests even now.

At my house, getting ready to go out. I love this picture because it shows her goofy side!
Me and Leigh outside of The Oz, partying in the bus

Gettin' our groove on...

I can easily take myself back to this moment and it is one I use often when I am sad.

Our last Thanksgiving together I remember that Leigh, Joanne, Dawn and I went shopping while Leigh was home on break from school. We were an unlikely quartet to say the least but we had a blast! I remember being in the car that day and thinking “I will remember this day for the rest of my life”. We had so much fun! Christmas of 1999 Leigh called to tell me that she had gotten a puppy for Christmas. She told me he was only 1 pound and I remember hanging up the phone and thinking that I must have heard her wrong. I went to meet this puppy, now known as Tanner, and Leigh was a different person. She was a mommy! Her parents had crumbled under her request for the dog. She cried because she wanted him so badly (which she didn’t do) and eventually Daddy Paul caved. Both of her parents were in awe of themselves for letting her have this dog that cost a small fortune. It wasn’t like them to just give Leigh what she wanted but she rarely asked for things either so they felt like it was a sign that they should. Almost 1 month to the day of my meeting Tanner, Leigh was gone. To this day I know Tanner is a saving grace to them and they never once regretted fulfilling that wish.

Our final conversation was the week before Leigh died. My dad and my sister had just started talking after 8 years of no communication. Leigh knew my family well and she was so excited for this reunion. Meaghan and I had recently started hanging out as well. Meaghan was Leigh’s friend from grade school whom I never really got along with before so she was happy to hear that as well. We talked for over an hour. There was no sign that would have told me it would be our last conversation. Leigh always told everyone that she loved them when she left or ended a phone conversation…always. We said our “I love you’s” and we hung up.

If you wish, you can read about the night that Leigh died here. Today is about remembering her life to me.

Growing up- Part 5

I remember defining moments of our friendship and our lives came when we lost someone we loved. Our freshman year our friend Andy died in a car accident. It is hard at any age to deal with death but we were just kids. We cried together and talked about what it would be like to die or to lose someone even closer to you. The summer before junior year while Leigh and her parents were in Ohio and I was staying with Joanne, our friend Clint died. We were even closer to Clint than we had been to Andy, Leigh especially. Again we discussed life and death, never knowing how close to home it would hit us both.

I moved out of the Gramlich’s towards the end of junior year and into my sister’s house. Leigh would come visit me there sometimes with friends, sometimes without. I remember a party at my sister’s house in April of 1996 where I met my ex fiancé, Chad. Leigh did a quick assessment on him and deemed him quality goods; he was wearing Tommy jeans after all! He drove a hot little red car like Jake Ryan from 16 Candles and she just ate that up. Leigh might be one of the main reasons that I dated Chad and, oddly, the relationship fizzled just after she died.

Chad and I moved in together very quickly and I still remember my conversation with Leigh about it. She was wise beyond her years and she said she felt like I was moving in for lack of a better option. She was right but I didn’t know that at the time. She wasn’t being offensive and I didn’t take it that way. She understood my dilemma even though she could not imagine being in my position, she empathized with me. In the end she supported my decision and visited our little apartment frequently. I went to school and worked full time while Leigh lived out her dream of what high school should be. Again our lives were in completely different places but we managed to stay close.

After graduation Leigh attended the University of Missouri at Columbia. My focus was survival at the time so college did not feel like an option. I lived vicariously through Leigh and her college experiences. I love to hear about her sorority, classes, life on campus and parties. She met some completely amazing friends on her journey there and I felt like I knew them all even before I met them. She was always willing to listen to me complain about unpaid bills, lazy boyfriends and working too hard.

Making friends for life- Part 4

Living together opened Leigh and I both up to new worlds. She was friends with a lot of the same girls from grade school that also lived in her neighborhood. I had my fair share of grade school pals as well. Then we both met new people in junior high and high school to add to the mix. I will never forget when Leigh met Joanne. Joanne was from Louisville (Lul-vul, if you are a native) and had just moved into the neighborhood. She had this ridiculous accent that Leigh was just drawn to. Joanne had a tough childhood and I know Leigh could sense that. It was another time that she reached out to someone with a completely different background from hers and ended up with a lifelong best friend. Meeting Joanne led to other new friends and before we knew it we were traveling in 6 or 8 different circles of people. Between grade school, junior high and high school, with 2 girls, there were a lot of friends over all of the time. I would hang out with Leigh and her friends and she would hang out with me, Dawn, Bri and Manda (to name a few).

Joanne, Leigh and Me

We definitely had our stupid girly quarrels. We would be very open with each other when we did not like someone but we always tolerated them for the sake of each other. We were like sisters in the sense that we could plot against the parental units. I don’t mean this in a bad way but I remember Jenny Higgins having a party that we knew the Gramlich’s would never allow us to attend so we came up with a huge outlandish story. I don’t remember how or why but Robin did eventually learn the truth (I think we broke the curfew we worked so hard to extend and then Leigh broke under pressure) and I am pretty sure that was the only time we were grounded.

During the time we lived together we also had Drama 4 together. One of my best friends, Dawn, was in the class as well. Our teacher called home on us because we were a distraction to others. He thought it was an issue that we lived together and had a class together. Despite the distractions, we both aced the class and solidified our love of theatre together.

Joanne, Heather, Me and Leigh after our production of Dark of the Moon