Tis the season

Today I was sucked dry of Christmas spirit for a moment but read on, for it did return. My boss is an Alderman and we do holiday baskets for the needy each yearin his ward. This is my 2nd year. I order all of the food, book the location, organize volunteers and basically act as the all-around-info-gal. My day started off at 7am. I had to stop at the office for cards, envelopes and lists of needy people in the ward. By 5 til 8 I was sitting on a street corner in the city waiting for the pastor's wife to come open the church that we were using to put the baskets together. Pastor's wife calls to say she sent her son, he should be there already. I ring the bell, knock and then walk around the entire building at 8 am in the hood in cold-ass weather. I call her back to inform her that no one is there and she says she will leave her house now to meet me. She is only 10 minutes away and married to the pastor so I work on forgiveness while I wait. Brrr. She shows up and lets us into the church.

As we begin putting boxes together to put the food into people start knocking at the door. Now keep in mind, no food has arrived yet, we just have empty boxes. Here is some of what I heard when I opened the door: "I need me some free food". "I hear y'alls givin' away food and I want some". "I come down for my free holiday basket". "I'm really needy". "I ain't got nothin' to eat for Christmas". I don't want to sound harsh here and I know I probably do but we do these baskets for the needy. We deliver them to people who cannot get out to even come down to the church to beg for a basket. This part of town is over ridden with people who are in need and unfortunately the neediest people would never stand on the corner and ask for a handout. We hear about them through businesses, elected officials, members of our board and people in the community who are probably needy themselves but nominate a friend for a basket first because they are good people. One of the volunteers said today "It's no wonder with the way people act about free food that there is so much war in the world". Amen, sister. Amen!

I mean, if you want to turn a whole slew of liberals into Republicans; send them to work at a food bank. Let them see the knock-down drag out entitlement issues going on there and see if they still want to give for the holiday season. I know there are truly needy people out there. I am all about helping those people. What do we do when we have a country that has taught its children that if you stand on the corner long enough with your hand out, someone will fill it with money or food? I have friends who have been forced to accept food stamps against their will but in order to feed their children. They were hard working, single mom's that were shamed to accept help. Why is it then that so many people feel they are deserving? Who made them so entitled? It made me really angry and skewed my opinion of good deeds for a minute. Yeah, fala-fucking-la!

But, and this is a huge but, there were many thankful deserving people too. There were grandmothers who raise their grandchildren that now will have food to feed their family a nice holiday meal. There were lonely older men who promised to share with some fine ladies of the community who could cook it up right for him. Then there was that one single mom, so thankful and humble, who said to just give her enough for her and her 2 kids and leave the rest for someone else. She has a son in school and this adorable little 2 year old whose eyes say she is 22. She was so sweet and worried about others who might be in need. She didn't ask for anything but took all that was given because she didn't have a choice. She might have gotten some extra corn and green beans...and some cookies...and maybe a $20 spot as an added blessing to her holiday.

I helped people today; people who were in need. I lost my spirit and my way for a minute but a little girl and her mommy helped put it all back into perspective. And now as I look back over the day what stands out are the grandma’s, mothers and older men who appreciated what they got more than anything in this world. I almost can’t remember what that toothless crack head begging for food even looked like;-) Fa la la la la, la la la la…

Make it a double...

The weekend was chaotic. I started to blog about the move and I stopped. I have been good (so good) for the past month now emotionally. I know this is what needs to happen and what is best for both of us. For some reason actually physically moving my things out of the house that is no longer my home was really hard. I had great friends to assist and it went quickly but the feeling in the pit of my stomach was unbearable. I had to go back Sunday morning to pick up Bo and feed Max (CL's dog) as CL ran on out of town as soon as he found out when I was moving out. My goodbye with Max was hard. I am his mama now and we both know it. He cried when I let Bo inside to put his leash on and I could still hear him crying in the garage as we loaded up into the car. It was harder to leave him than PB because at least I know she has a mom who will take care of her and talk to her about what is going on. Max will just be alone. He is fed and watered but has very little human interaction with CL due to his work schedule and emotional retardation (yep, I said it). It breaks my heart to have left him behind.

So anyhoo, it was a way emotional time for me. Sunday I got Bo home and he met Buddy (Ferg's dog) for the first time. Buddy is super passive and much smaller than Bo so there was no question of who was in charge and everyone assumed their rolls. I did some cleaning and arranging on Sunday. Once I got out of CL's house and stopped thinking about Max, I was fine. I had plenty to do so there was no time or energy to sulk. My new room has no windows so I sleep like a rock. I have been nervous about getting up on time but that will pass with the newness. Monday was Bo's first day home alone. He has run of the whole basement and he did great. He hasn't chewed or destroyed since he was a puppy and it was minimal then. I was more worried about him being lonely since he and Max had a nice set up together with indoor/outdoor access before. Buddy is afraid of stairs so he stays upstairs all of the time. Mr. Bo Jackson seems affected not one bit by all of this. I am so relieved.

My new roomie has been very welcoming and accommodating. The kids are adjusting as well. E is only 2 and Bo towers over him but he loves him to death already. A is 11 and just a super sweet and quiet kid. They are only there part time, roughly 2 weeks of a month, so I think we will do fine. So far we have no schedule and this week is all about figuring out what works for everyone. Yesterday I went home after work and was there for an hour or so when Ferg's mom showed up with the kids. I have known Ferg since high school and I was in his wedding so I know his mom well. We had a good talk catching up while she wrangled the boys into eating their Chinese food for dinner. A, with that kind little heart of his, gave me a fortune cookie. I finished up my talk with Ferg's mama and headed down to my basement abode to clean and organize more. More than an hour had passed and I was getting ready to turn in for the night when I stepped on the fortune cookie A had given me. I had completely forgotten about it in my unpacking frenzy.

I don't know what you believe but that was a sign to me (stepping on the cookie). I believe in angels. I believe things happen for a reason. I believe in listening to your spirit guides. Now I don't like fortune cookies. I don't eat them but I live for their message. Maybe not live for it but I love it. I have never been offered a fortune cookie without first having eaten Chinese. I don't know why that seems important to the story but it does so it stays. (My blog.) I am sort of chuckling to myself at this point and to my spirit guide who clearly thinks this message is important for me to read. I mean, come on, was it necessary for me to step on it and have crushed cookie bits on my new carpet? Someone clearly thinks so. Half of the time with fortune cookies I get a generic, Happiness is on its way, or some crap like that. As I brushed the dusty cookie remains off of my fortune, taunting the spirits, I realized something was amiss. This had definitely never happened to me before. I had 2 fortunes! In the same cookie!!!!

The first: Your talents will bring you the highest status and prestige

The second: You should enhance your feminine side at this time

They both have significant meaning to me right now for reasons that I won't go into at the moment. They might sound generic to you but they spoke to me. The more important thing was that it was like my spirit guide giving me a little what's what. Like, "when I tell you something is important...it is important". I will be on the lookout from now on. I wonder if there is a special meaning like when you get double yolks in your egg? I don't know but I feel super special anyway. Off to hone my talents and enhance my feminine side;-)

Mr. Cuddles

Have you even had a situation or circumstance where someone in your life always appears or reappears at just the right time? I strongly believe that we all come into each other’s life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some friendships or relationships are meant to be lasting and some just serve their purpose and go. I am not sure which category this falls into and at this moment it really doesn’t matter. The reason, this season, is not important. What is important is the feeling that it left behind.

As you all know I have been going through the motions of this break-up for almost 2 months now. Living under the same roof has been borderline bearable and I will be relieved to finally get out. The feeling of being unwanted tends to wear on you after a while, no matter who you are. Over that past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about love, desire and intimacy. There was a lot of love in my relationship. We both had strong feelings and that was never in question. I still do not question that today. I know that I had desire. Mostly I desired things I did not have with him. I am not sure if he ever did have desire and I certainly did not feel any desire for me. There was no intimacy. I don’t know that I totally recognized that until recently. I knew something was lacking. I knew I needed a closeness and level of understanding with him that I did not have. I fought for it but in the end, I lost.

Very recently someone came back into my life; I guess that is not the proper term, as he never really left. We have always had this level of attraction between us. Probably about 5 years ago we got drunk at a party and cuddled up for a good night’s sleep (ok, maybe a few times). We have celebrated major milestones in life together. I don’t think we ever had 1 single one-on-one conversation during that time. The exchange of general pleasantries has been about it for us. So recently we had a party where another drunken sleep over was necessary. Mr. Cuddles, as he will be known from here on out, offered up his cuddling services. I was hesitant at first but truth be told, I have no idea why. I am extremely comfortable with him. He is a good guy, probably better than most I know. Is that the hesitation? Am I scared of good guys? Or is it my fear of letting someone in again?

In the end, I let my guard down. We talked about things we have never discussed while completely wrapped up in each other, cuddling so close I could feel every beat of our hearts and every breath we took. In the past I have been known to have issues with clingy people. I think that was my fear of intimacy and my inability to let go and just let someone be close to me. Mr. Cuddles made me realize this without even knowing it. He asked me questions about my life that really made me think. I can’t tell you how long it has been since that happened. Just having someone engage in a conversation and show an interest in what I had to say was refreshing. I can’t even explain to you the sense of release that came with just being there with him and allowing him to be there with me. I didn’t realize how much I have had my guard up lately until I let it down. I didn’t realize how much I missed feeling close to someone, being held and just talking. I didn’t realize how little intimacy I had in my life until that moment. I knew that I was craving attention and love in my past relationship but I had no idea how much. I felt more loved, accepted and close to him that night than I did in the entire 2 year relationship that just ended.

This thought made me very sad at first. I don’t even KNOW this person, really. Our draw to each other seems sporadic and really for convenience sake. At the same time, it brought me something that I really needed at a time that could not have been better. Perhaps it will be another 5 years, if ever, before we turn to each other again but I feel like a new woman because of that night with Mr. Cuddles. I felt so safe, warm and loved. It could have all been an illusion but it doesn’t really matter. My heart is lighter and my days are brighter knowing that there is so much more out there for me and even more importantly I am ready to accept it! I think sometimes in relationships we tend to settle for certain things. This experience put me another step closer to realizing what I want and what I know I deserve out of life. Thanks to my time with Mr. Cuddles I won’t be forgetting that any time soon!

Mean people SUCK

I consider myself a very strong individual. I have been through some serious shit in my life and I am proud to say that I have survived. I have not only survived; I have thrived. Life is never easy. It is filled with hard obstacles each day. Over the years I can honestly say that I am pretty proud of my decisions and VERY proud of me. So what do you do when there are Nay Sayers in your life that have nothing positive to add and only negative to heap on you? My normal response is to cut those people out. I can’t stand a constant negative influence and some people just cannot be helped. In this case, this person is not even a friend of mine but a friend of a friend we will say. I have no personal relationship with them. We have never had a one-on-one honest and open conversation in our lives. I don’t share my deepest feelings or even scratch the surface of life events with this person because we just disagree on most everything. Well that and the judgmental bullshit that comes with this person. I try very hard just to like this individual as a person sometimes. Obviously my friend who is attached to this person is important or I would just say fuck it and walk away. It does make a bad situation for the middle man, in this case, my friend.

When someone personally attacks you there are a few things you can do.

1. Strike back. This is how I was raised. You insult the person to the point of tears if possible. You take every low blow (even revealing vaulted material) to bring them to their knees. If you read this blog at all you know that I know that the way I was raised was NOT right. I do not wish to take this road.

2. Leave-To me this used to be cowardly but I guess if you save yourself from stooping to the level of example #1 you have won a small victory for yourself. I have never been one to back down or walk away from an argument so while I know it works for some, this option is just not for me.

3. Doubt yourself- You can mull over their opinions and wonder if for all of their hate and fury maybe they are right about you. Maybe you are worthless, stupid and bat-shit crazy? In some cases, if you value the opinion of the person speaking, it might be worth it to look into yourself a bit more. This is not the case with my current situation so there is no point to that.

4. Revenge- (ahhh, sweet revenge!)THIS is the Scorpio way so it is also a bit ingrained into me. Problem is I don’t really care enough for revenge. I don’t even really care enough about this person’s shitty one-sided opinion of me. I just want them to stop caring so much about my life that they think their opinion is important to anyone, especially me!

5. Say fuck it and move on- You can’t control other people’s actions, only your reactions. I feel as if I reacted well this time. And the time before that. And the time before that. But how long do you let someone assume you are their punching bag before you strike back?

I have no desire to be around this person. The negative energy and thought process serves no purpose for me. This is not the first time we have had this issue and I don’t see it being the last. I have avoided talking to my own family members who have brought less grief into my life so it seems unfair to do nothing about this situation. If I cut all ties, I am also cutting out a friend, as they are a packaged deal. This person is not worth this to me but also not worth biting my tongue anymore. This might sound petty and ridiculous to some people but my entire childhood consisted of name calling, beating other people down to build yourself up and living with an asshole. I feel like life is on repeat when I am with this negative influence. He has told me I am a bad friend, he regularly implies that I am a bad person and most recently he told me I was desperate. I did not hit him, for those of you who know me IRL. A few years ago he told me I would never find a man so I should just “go ahead and start licking pussy now”. Yep, he’s a gem.

I can only assume it makes him feel good to make others feel bad. There is a way to express your opinion and a way to be an asshole and he has chosen the later. (Oddly like my father, probably another reason for contempt) Most importantly to point out here is that I have NEVER solicited an opinion from this person. Quite to the contrary, over the years I have tried to make it clear just how little his opinion matters to me and my life. Sure, I am hurt but not because of him or his hateful words. It hurts me that my relationship with my friend in this situation has been clouded by this nonsense for years. I feel like we can’t have a real conversation without an uninvited and non interested 3rd party butting in. I know that my friend is mortified by this behavior but there is nothing that can be done on her end other than getting upset. I rather think this person feeds off of the misery of others so that probably just helps fuel the insults. The best thing that I can do for me is remove any and all negative from my life…one asshole at a time. Check, check and check. (Can you see them falling away?)

I won’t let this ruin my friendship but I will stand up for myself in the future. No need to be nice and play it safe like I have been doing. If he can bust out the shit he has, surely he can take it, right? I also have to keep in mind that while I try to forget the intense training of my childhood, I was raised by one of the biggest assholes in the world. I got this.

1 small step for the gays but a giant leap for equality

Houston has it's very first gay mayor! Meet Annise Parker. She started her career as a gay activist and now she's running the 4th largest city in the nation! Interesting that the folks in Houston had a gay woman or a black man to choose from. That says a lot about where Texas is heading, in my opinion. Perhaps not so conservative right wing Christian afterall.

You can read the full story of Annise Parker's victory here.

Man Candy Monday- Thug Life

The original Makaveli: Tupac Amaru Shakur (June 16, 1971 – September 13, 1996) He got his start as a back-up dancer for Digital UndergrounGrowing up, his family had strong ties to the Black Panthers

(Pac's God Father was a high ranking Panther)Jada Pinkett Smith was one of Pac's very best friends until the end.

His poem entitled "Jada" was written for her.

Thug Life was his motto. So much that he tattooed it on his chest.
Breakin' it down and working up a sweat!
He was also a very deep thinker.

He wrote and rapped some of the most honest lyrics of our time.

He even dated Madonna and she wanted to have his baby! (no lie, look it up)

This bubble picture speaks for itself.

Serious Pac.

I don't know why but I find him smoking incredibly sexy.

Those eyes just captivate me.

My favoite picture of him, all time. I have a t-shirt with this image on it.

Representing the Lou!

He had some trouble with the law too. He was convicted of sexual assault in 1994 stemming from a hotel party gone wild back in 1993. He denied the charges until his death.

In November 1994, he was shot 5 times and robbed in the lobby of a recording studio. He was hit twice in the head, twice in the groin and once through the arm and thigh. He survived but suspected fellow rappers of carrying out the attack. This was the start of the East Coast/West Coast conflict that continued until Pac's death.

While serving time for the sexual assault conviction, Pac released Me Against the World and became the only artist ever to have a number 1 album while serving a prison sentence. In total he served 11 months of a 1 and a half year sentence.

His final performance was July 4, 1996. On September 7th, 1996 Tupac was gunned down while leaving one night club and heading to another in a car driven by Suge Knight. He survived 6 days on a ventilator and died on September 13th of respitory failure.
This photo was taken just moments before Tupac was gunned down. After his death some of his ashes were later mixd with Marijuana and smoked by members of Outlawz.

This is my favorite Tupac quote:Just this year Pac was recognized by The Vatican when they released an official MySpace playlist that included Tupac's Changes (the explicit version).

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Our lesbian lick this week has made this blog before, not for her beauty but for controversy surrounding her last relationship. I give you Robyn Rihanna Fenty.

She hails from Barbados but moved to the US at 16 years old to pursue her dream of a recording career.

She met a record producer who was vacationing with his wife when she was 15 and was encouraged to move to the US to pursue her career. She recorded demos at night and on the weekends so it would not affect her schooling.

Her demo fell into the hands of Def Jam records and she was invited to audition for Jay-Z. The rest, as they say, is history.

She is an amazing talent and her look is all her own.

I loved her immediately and still think she is one of the sexiest women in music today.

I mean, really...

In 2007 she was ranked 8th in Maxim's Hot 100

In 2008 she was #15 on that same list.

Entertainment Weekley named her the "Diva of the Year" in 2008

And in 2009 Maxim awarded her the 8th most sexy woman on Earth.

2009 has been the busiest year yet for Rihanna. Coming off of the success of Good Girl Gone Bad she was slated to perform in February at the Grammy Awards but an altercation with her then-boyfriend, Chris Brown, forced her to cancel.

She has gotten a lot of critism for returning to the relationship breifly but admits that although the love for him was strong the love for herself was stonger and more important.

She has become a spokesperson for anti violence.

She is a strong and independent woman, which I love.

There are many faces of Rihanna and I have a feeling we haven't seen anything yet!

She also has 12 tattoos in all.

AND she was in the movie "Bring it on: All or nothing"

This girl can do it all and she is only 21 years old!

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss

Saying goodbye is never easy. This weekend I had a goodbye that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I saw Princess Belldisa for the last time. It was heartbreaking but the anxiety and uncertainty leading up to it was worse. I really just wanted it to be over with. CL told her on Friday while I was out that I am moving out soon. Saturday I got home around 2:30. CL was napping (hiding) and PB was in her room playing. I went in to chat with her and catch up. We went over how school was going, how her mom and sissy are doing and her sister’s new boyfriend as well as her own current love. She wanted to read me her letter to Santa she had written that morning. Basically she wanted a phone, TV and toys. It was really the last 2 lines that got me. “I am very, very, very sad that Toni is moving out soon. Please help me”. I told her I was sad too and changed the subject as I was about to lose it.
She started to play with her stuffed dogs, reminding me that I had a black and white stuffed animal that looks like Bo that I was going to give her. I went to get it and presented her with it. She said, “I will call him Bo-Bo and it will help me to remember the real Bo”. That was my 2nd borderline breakdown. We played with the dogs and just hung out for a while. Then she asked if she was going to see her grandma this coming weekend. I said yes, she was. And she said, “Just me and daddy?” I told her yes again and then she asked, “So will I have Christmas with you this year before or after?” Last year we broke up the first week of December and CL never even told PB. He was “sick” (depressed) on the couch for the few days he had her so she really didn’t have Christmas. She still talks about it to this day, “remember daddy; last year on Christmas when you were sick?” She didn’t know why I wasn’t there and it was never explained to her. I can’t let that happen again. These are the things that scar children for life. I told her I didn’t know about Christmas yet for now. I think that is a conversation to be had with my therapist before I go any further with PB.
CL got up from his nap and told her to put her coat on and get ready to go to her aunt and uncle’s house for the night. We went downstairs and she checked her book bag for homework and determined that since she didn’t have any she would get her book bag on Sunday when she came back. Well, CL didn’t tell her she wasn’t coming back on Sunday so he told her to get her bag then she said she didn’t need it and he snapped off at her. I hate it when he is sad, frustrated or pissed off and takes it out on her. I know most parents do it at some point but I remember how it felt as a kid and I hate seeing her little face feel that same pain. I hugged and kissed her and told her that I loved her. CL told her to get in the car (he couldn’t handle witnessing our goodbye) and I was crying before I turned around. She didn’t see and neither did he. My sister texted me at that moment asking how things were going and I called her to absolutely fall apart.
I don’t KNOW that was the last time I will see her. I wanted to tell her she could call me anytime but the truth is if she calls from CL’s phone, chances are I won’t answer. Plus, is it harder on her for me to stick around or easier to forget if I just go away? I don’t think CL explained that not only am I moving out but I won’t be around anymore. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Bo and I will be gone when she gets back from Indiana next weekend. She won’t come back to the house before going home and the next time she sees CL they will be going to South Carolina to see his dad for Christmas. It could very well be into the New Year before she realizes we are not there anymore. I want to offer to keep in touch, perhaps via her mom; if that is something she wants to do. If not, I have to let her go.
I am grateful for the experience of having known her. She is like my little mini-me when it comes to how she dresses and even acts sometimes. Even Saturday she was wearing an outfit that made me proud. She repeats things I have taught her and she admires all that I do. She looked up to me in a way that I don’t think I understood that anyone could. She loved me for who I was, not just to her but to her dad too. She made me want to be a better person just for the influence it would have on her. I think my relationship with her and my allowing myself that capacity to love may have been one of the main lessons of my relationship with CL. I will always think of PB with love, appreciation and many wonderful hopes for her. I don’t know what the future has in store for us or our relationship but I will always smile when I think of her love, light and laughter in my life.