1 in 4

This month has me reflecting so much on the past year. This time last year I was helplessly and knowingly living my life with Cancer in my right breast. I was working toward the goal of surgery with my surgical team, but the process was slow. It felt even slower each time I reminded myself that this shit was trying to kill me from the inside! I sat in countless doctor’s offices and heard stories of other women in waiting rooms across town. Some had it better than I did, and others had it much worse. I heard friends try to console loved ones to no avail. At times I was happy that I was alone. Others, I was grateful to have my tribe behind me, and either my sister-in-law or very close friend at my side.

No one prepares you for the wait that comes with a Cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s more of a hurry-up and wait, which I hate worse than waiting. It goes like this; hurry up and set up this appointment with this doctor but then wait 30 days to see them. Hurry up and get this test completed because it is imperative to your diagnosis and treatment plan, but you will have to wait 3-4 weeks for results. Hurry up and get the genetic testing but it could be months before you hear on that so don’t depend on it to make any decisions. (Yep, that happened) It leaves your head spinning, and the Cancer notebook you created to keep track of it all, full of more questions than answers. I later learned about people that were diagnosed pre-pandemic and forced to sit and wait for the world to reopen so that their Cancer could be treated. It’s crazy the situations in life that are hell yet we, as women, consider ourselves “lucky”. Thinking of the Pandemic diagnosis people, I was really “lucky”.

This weekend I was watching a Netflix show called Girls in The Back about a group of friends from school. They were assigned seats in the back of class and became The Girls in the Back. In the intro you find out that one of the five has Cancer. They take their annual vacation trip, all of them shave their heads and they each write down one challenge that everyone in the group will have to complete. Their only rules are that they don’t talk about Cancer or who has it. It is an amazing story of friendship, and for obvious reasons, it really hit home for me. You do eventually find out who has Cancer, and in the end, she says the exact same thing to her tribe that I said to mine, “I’m glad it is me”. I cried like a baby watching that scene.

The current statistic is that 1 in 4 women will get Breast Cancer in their lifetime. As my tribe sat with me through this experience, their lives continued to go on around us, as they should. I would listen to them whisper from the waiting room to their children at home, trying to keep their lives as normal as possible and I felt that wave of lucky. Not just for having an amazing tribe by my side. Not even just their little families that each made sacrifices so that they could be away from them and be with me instead. I felt lucky that it was me and not them. I am not married. I have no children. I live alone. The only one that depends on me is my dog. I have the resources and the insurance to fight this fight. And sadly, I will type this because I thought it, if someone must die from this, I want it to be me. I’m grateful to be the 1 in 4, and I’m finally making my peace with Cancer and what it has taught me.

#BreastCancerAwareness #1In4 #CheckYourBoobs

 

 

Survivor

 

sur·vi·vor

/sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

"the sole survivor of the massacre"

o the remainder of a group of people or things.

"a survivor from last year's team"

o a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

"she is a born survivor"

 

I have struggled for the last year with this word, survivor. If you get Cancer and live, you are a survivor. As soon as you hear the word Cancer, your mind begins end of life arrangements without your consent. Because I have amazing friends and support, within 45 days of diagnosis of Breast Cancer last year I had a Will, Trust, and Power of Attorney with a medical directive. No one knows what will happen in health matters and I wanted to cover all my bases. Also, I might be a bit of a control freak, and this gave me something to control whilst so much was spinning out of my orbit.

 There are so many levels to the Cancer fight that it’s hard to get your head around. If this, then that. We hope this but worst case is that. There are about 25 hurry-up and wait moments before there are any answers. Hurry up and book with this doctor but more tests, more wait, more opportunity to lose your mind. They try to lay out the information for you, but it is too much, and your mind and heart cannot take it all at once. For me it was one test, one day, one more doctor, until….what? I made myself crazy over information I knew I had no control over. When the calls, results and final appointments came; I was so incredibly lucky and blessed that every single call was the best of a worst-case scenario.

 My Cancer was in my right breast, Stage 1, not in the lymph nodes, hormone receptive and non-aggressive. There was precancerous evidence on the left but no Cancer, yet. It was all the things you want to hear. After much research and conversation with other trusted Survivors, I chose a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I didn’t want to risk recurrence, as I had seen happen to so many others. The mastectomy doesn’t guarantee that the Cancer won’t return but it gives me the best shot, and more importantly, peace of mind. Because I removed all the breast tissue, Hormone therapy would give me very little benefit with tons of unwanted side effects. I opted not to do the 10 years of Tamoxifen pills that was suggested by Oncology. I was 43 years old and the idea of early menopause, dry vagina, hormonal imbalance, and a host of other possible terrible side effects really made the decision for me. This was not a choice I made lightly and if the doctors had advised against it, I would have reconsidered. Both my surgeon and Oncologist were supportive of this decision because, the fact of the matter is, they don’t know if it’s needed but they treat everyone the same and work to give you the best chance of survival and I appreciate that. I also appreciate the opportunity to choose what is best for me and that is what I did. This was a privilege and a gift to have the choice and I know that. Not everyone has options.

 For me, early detection and swift action gave me choices that I know most do not have. I had surgery, I recovered, and I will see Oncology once a year until they kick me out to 5, then hopefully 10. Cancer will always be a part of my life and world now, but it will never own me. In my mind, I basically had a boob job. Granted, I would not have chosen to do that, but for Cancer. It was hard in the fact that surgery didn’t feel like a choice. In the end, it was. I could have gone to the first terrible butcher surgeon at Barnes St. Peters and opted for the lumpectomy she suggested. She was going to remove both nipples for “symmetry” and couldn’t tell me how or where she would cut me. I could have opted for a few other courses of treatment, but I CHOSE what was best for me and I had to continuously remind myself of that to keep my anger at bay. It felt then and still feels like the easy way and for me, it was. I was lucky to have an inner KNOWING that mastectomy was my choice. After that jarring initial surgery consult, I immediately opted for a 2^nd opinion even though doing so could extend my time until surgery. I knew in my heart she was not right for me (or anyone), and I had to advocate for myself. I ended up keeping both nipples and having an undercut like a normal breast augmentation. Because I advocate for myself, I was able to get exactly what I chose.

 To say it has been a long and emotional road is an understatement. No one chooses Cancer, unfortunately, Cancer chooses you. Therefore, I struggle with the word Survivor. I’ve seen my mom fight Cancer for 10 years. Ovarian twice and then Breast. I know countless people that fought the good fight and their Cancer returned, sometimes multiple times. There are others that have had botched procedures, bad doctors, terrible hospital tales and zero support. I had a tribe of women surrounding me, many of them survivors. I heard the stories you don’t tell anyone besides someone that may have to walk your path. My survivors were the ultimate support and epitome of Warriors. They walked through fire, sometimes multiple times, and SURVIVED! The question I asked myself most of this year is, how do I stand beside these amazing women, whom I do consider Warrior Survivors and count myself among them?

 Early on, countless well-meaning people told me how lucky I was that all I was getting from Cancer was a boob job. Those were hard things to work through emotionally. I certainly didn’t feel “lucky” and there was much spiritual therapy required to work through those feelings. Now, almost a year later, I got way more than boobs from Cancer. I learned a shit ton about Cancer and myself. I also learned who the people around me are, some for the good and others not so much. I learned who my helpers and true tribe are, those in my life that step up no matter what. I learned that I have so much left to live and give in this life. I learned who I am and what I am capable of…and I also happened to get new boobs! I can now laugh and appreciate better where those well-meaning people were coming from. Most importantly I’ve learned in this last year that I am a survivor. It’s the club you never want to be in, but I am honored and blessed to count myself among this group of amazing and courageous badass ladies!

#BreastCancerAwareness #Survivor

On This Day

 My On This Day this year is not a beautiful photo of vacation to some far away paradise. Nope, this year is but just a memory, thank goodness, but a bad memory all the same. I was fresh home from a weekend float trip for Labor Day, drying off from a much needed shower when I felt it. It was a lump, the size of a pea, in my right armpit into my side boob. I immediately reasoned it away as a lymph node still swollen from my bout with Covid a few months prior. 

Despite my confidence that is was nothing to worry about, I called immediately the next day to make an appointment with my GYN. They got me in that Friday and a quick exam revealed just what I suspected, a swollen lymph node from Covid. But wait, there is this other spot that is of concern. I was immediately referred for a diagnostic mammogram with ultrasound, which sounded super scary but I thought, I’ve got this….right?

A few weeks later, without having told one other soul in my life, I went for the mammogram with full confidence that things would be fine. The initial mammogram seemed normal, although I’d never had one before. I was referred for ultrasound which I knew would happen so still no worry. As the tech slowly stopped talking and her voice and pitch changed I knew something wasn’t right. When she said, “let me just step out for the radiologist real quick”, the room started to close in. But for my recent meditation practice I’m positive I would have had a panic attack in that moment.

The radiologist pulled zero punches and told me in that visit she thought I had breast cancer but they would have to do a biopsy to confirm. She also found something on the other side that she thought was concerning and wanted to also biopsy that spot.

After a few weeks of torturous waiting, I had biopsies on both sides to confirm what they and I already knew, I had fucking breast cancer at 42 years old. I was smart enough for the biopsy visit to take a friend and it’s a good thing I did. Your brain literally just shuts off after news like this, or mine did anyway. You almost need that person so later they can reconfirm the news you are doing everything you can to spin another way.

The story from there is long and winding. I didn’t always have the best referrals or doctors to start but eventually I woke up and took control of my health and found the right doctors for me. It delayed my ultimate outcome but resulted in exactly what I hoped for with the support and team that I needed. 

Maybe in the future I will dive into the details but the point of my story is this, on this day last year I found a lump. It wasn’t Cancer but it lead me to the Cancer and that little Covid lymph node may have just saved my life. 

My cancer was Stage 1, not in the lymph node, and completely operable. By my choice I opted for a full mastectomy with reconstruction. That decision would also be a whole other story but I know I made the right decision for me. It wasn’t a decision I wanted to make or follow through on but I’m damn glad I did. I’m glad I had the option, choices and insurance to back up my wants. I’m grateful to Covid for bringing this to light because I struggle to even imagine if I were sitting here right now not knowing something was trying to kill me from within. 

Moral of this very long story, it’s always better to know than not! Advocate for yourself and your health and when you don’t trust or fully understand, seek a second opinion. I was lucky in every single way, from finding it early to finding the right people to advocate for me and what I wanted. I am grateful and proud to be where I am one year later but WARNING, this could be a long fall season of reflection for me as I work though so much of what I could not face last year. Peace, love and check your titties friends, it just might save your life!💞

#BreastCancer

Man Candy: Diary of a Young Black Man

I usually post man candy for the man and the body. This man, however, has won my heart. He is a brilliant mind who makes people see the world for what it is but also makes you look at it for how we can all make it better. If you haven't seen his movies or stage plays, you are missing out. They have a fantastic message. Without further ado, I give you, Emmit Perry Jr., aka Tyler Perry.

As a teen, Emmit changed his legal name to Tyler to distance himself from his abusive father.
Tyler did not graduate high school but did obtain his GED.
In his early 20's Tyler was watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey's Show and he heard a writter speak of how theraputic writing can be for someone who has had a rough road in their life.
AND he is sexy as hell!
I love the side by side comparison of the real Tyler Perry and his alter ego, Madea.
This inspired a series of letter to himself about his abusive childhood and the things he had endured. This was the start of his stage show I Know I've Been Changed.
It was not until 1999's stage show, The Diary of a Mad Black Woman, that Tyler found himself on the national map of television, stage and movies.
Tyler was one of the first people to view the movie "Precious" and he was so moved by the story that he enlisted the help of Oprah Winfrey to promote the movie, which he had no interest in.
The movie Precious also inspired Tyler to speak of being molested himself as a child.
Old Uncle Joe, a character played by Tyler in his movies, is an old stoner who lives with his sister Madea, who is also portrayed by Tyler Perry.
From that to this hot black man.
The character Madea is said to be a mixture of Tyler's mother and grandmother. The name Madea comes from a term in the black community, mother dear. This term is used to referrence a mother or grandmother.
Tyler Perry is single as of the close of 2010. Some say he is gay. I would still marry him.
Tyler is an ispiration to many. His message is clear and positive. He is one of my heros.

"Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!"- Madea

The Bitch is BACK

Wow, it has been so long that I do not know where to start. Between the stresses of life and honestly not really trusting certain people in it, I had to step away from blogging. However, I am back and ready to unload. I found in my inner search that sometimes I was blogging for others or holding back on my blogs because of others. That will no longer be the case here at Craw Digger. I started this blog as a way for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. I will continue to do that but in a much more honest way. I will not hold back for the sake of someone else’s feelings. This may sound harsh but this blog is for me. I don’t make any money off of it and I don’t write it for anyone but me so I need to be true to that. I know I said this before but I was not ready at that time. I am ready now. So let’s get started catching up.

Work:

My job is going really well. I was hired on from temp to perm on October 1st. I got a raise, full benefits and a laptop that allows me to work from home up to 4 days a month. I love working from home. I can stay in my jammies all day and watch daytime smut television. My boss has been a different person since I was hired on. I am not sure if I just needed to prove myself to her or what but she is a new woman and I am appreciating that. I am lucky to have found such a great company and good people.

School:

I took two classes in the fall semester, Intro to Criminal Justice and Intro to Politics. I loved my CJ instructor. He was an extremely attractive black man who is a criminal defense attorney in St. Louis. We had an obvious flirtation with one another that even other classmates picked up on. There was an 80 year old man in that class who takes one class per semester to stay young. He got his degree in the 60’s and graduated high school 60 years ago. It was awesome to have 18 year old fresh out of high school sitting next to an 80 year old man. I really enjoyed that class. My politics class was only 8 weeks long. My instructor was a City Attorney in Clayton. He did not like our book or follow it so I did not buy it. I attended 6 classes and when I arrived for the 7th class and final review he told me that I had over 100% in the class and he was excusing me from our final. There were 3 other people in the class that basically tested out. Our grade was the curve that he graded on so we were good to go. Seven weeks of class, no book and I still got an ‘A’. I would be lying to say that I was not damn proud. School starts up again this week. I have my first on-line class and another one that I have to go to campus for. Unless I can start saving now for summer I don’t think I will have the money to attend as I did not borrow enough at the start of the year. You live and learn on these things and I have certainly done both.

Home:

Honestly, my home life sucks. I can’t deal with the lack of discipline or the obnoxiousness that lives in my house. I love that I have my own basement abode but it doesn’t help when the TV upstairs is loud enough for my deaf Uncle Ray to hear. The kids have no discipline. I have seen their grandmother and my roommate’s girlfriend be physically assaulted on many occasions. You would not believe how they speak to adults. Everyone seems to think it is easier to let them be crazy than to discipline them. I am curious to see how that will work when they are 18. I digress, it is not my problem. There is a poor dog that is part of all of this crazy that is not taken care of. He has basically become my dog and because of the way he is mistreated here, I will probably take him when I go. I have seen actual and outright abuse of the animal which caused me massive stress and anxiety. Not to mention how it has changed my opinion of the people in this house. My roommate does about 50 loads of laundry a week which requires him to constantly come stomping down into my space. My Bo dog hates him (barking, growling, don’t-mess-with-my-mom type anger). I am sure he has witnessed the abuse of the other dog. I question whether he has hurt my dog when I am gone but roommate is very afraid of Bo (with good reason) and I am pretty sure Bo would take a piece of him. The kids are here every other week and the week that they are gone, my roommate is mostly gone. That is the only thing that has kept me here and sane. My plan is to move with my sister and her wife, if they are able to buy a house in the next few months. If not, I have got to get out and get my own place. This situation worked out for both of us when we both really needed it. It is time for me to go now. I just hope I can make it out before we have major issues.

Friends:

I have been quite a loner lately. I have a few good friends that I hang with. I have been skipping going out and partying so I can save money for my move. I have rid my life of a few toxic people this year and I cannot explain the load that was lifted. Someone can be a good person but not be good for you. Others can portray themselves as good people, all the while stabbing you in the back, lying and manipulating you and their loved ones. I have learned a lot about myself and those around me this past year. I was allowing so many people to taint my world without even recognizing it. I also realized how lucky I am to have solid friends. I have had Manda in my life for 32 years now, our entire lives she has been my friend. How many people have that? People that I thought were lifelong friends also proved themselves not to be. Once I opened my eyes to who they truly were, I was able to see the phony in it all. Looking back, those people should have been cut out of my life when I left my ex fiancé in 2000 and they not only continued to hang out and drug up with him but to judge me for trying to be more and be better for myself. I am kicking myself for being supportive of certain people to the point of sacrificing my own beliefs, only to be stabbed in the back. It makes me angry to think of the things that I supported, only to have them turn their backs on me. Again, you live and learn, and I have certainly done lots of both this year. I am not angry or bitter but I am choosing more wisely. I would rather have 2 true friends than 10 backstabbers.

Life:

2011 has started with a bang already. My friend Courtney is getting married in Vegas in early February and because of my imminent and pending move, I told her I could not go. She just got engaged a few months ago and planned the wedding for less than 3 months later so that did not leave me time to save. Long story short, Court really wants me there so she offered to cover my flight. She paid for her whole family and was not taking no for an answer. Court is a photographer and the casino does not give a great picture package so I agreed to take her wedding photos in exchange for my airfare. I have never been to Vegas so this is all very exciting. I am rooming with a friend of Court’s to save funds. We will only be there for the weekend and with the wedding, I won’t have much time to see the town but I plan on doing it up to the best of my ability. I am pretty sure that I will not sleep in the town that never sleeps.

Just before Christmas my sister also let the cat out of the bag that she bought tickets to Lady Gaga in Chicago at the end of February. She is taking her wife and me as our Christmas present. We are staying at the Hard Rock Chicago. This is all just another reason to save. I am super excited to see the Lady and get to Chicago again but I really wanted to be moved by March and all of this vacationing is putting a crimp in my plan. I can’t complain. I am getting a free trip to Vegas and Chicago all in the same month! My best friend in Colorado is pregnant with baby number 2. She is due in early March so I will have to make my way West by summer to see our new addition. Again, no complaining, she lives in a mountain resort type home so I will be fine. It is a lot of travel in a short period but I will survive.

Love:

No love life. No dating. No sex. Nothing. It has been nice to take some time for me after the demise of my last horrible relationship but I am ready to start dating again. Perhaps I am just ready to get laid, who knows? I am not sure if I can do the internet thing but I think I am going to try. Men do not approach women in bars or anywhere really because it is easier to hide behind a computer. I really just want to get back into the groove. I am working on changing my attitude because I have been in the single girl mindset for a while. I would love to meet someone to go out and have fun with; someone who can read and write. Perhaps he would have a good job, maybe a house of his own. Preferably he will be an orphaned deaf mute, lol, I kid. I would appreciate an animal lover, who is respectful and kind to all people. I know he is out there so I guess I had better start looking.

I think that is it for my personal update. There are many issues that I have to catch up on. Since I have been away Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, which we all know that I love. A crazed mass gunman killed 6 people in Arizona and woke the nation up to the crazy that surrounds us, once again. The West Borough Baptist Church’s 3 protesters were run out of town last week by mothers of fallen soldiers and veterans. All kinds of things that have been in my craw will be released soon. Stay tuned.

Summer 2010: Sociology

Sociology was from 6-9:30 every Tuesday and Thursday. That gave me 30 minutes drive time and 30 minutes to study. We took 2 test and I got 100% on both. The final was cumulative and again, I didn't track down my grade but I got an A in the class so another score.

Sociology was so intriguing to me as I love different cultures and ways of life. Socioeconomic patterns are really common sense, as was most of what we learned, but the CLASS itself was so engaging. We did an excersise in social mobility that I loved. It basically gave characteristics of people who were born into one socioeconomic level but where able to move up or down the social ladder depending on things they are exposed to in their childhood. Here are a few things that I found interesting for you mama’s out there.

Things that help you to move up the social ladder:

Both parents in the home until age of 18

One or more parents has graduated college

More than 40 books in your home

Going to the art museum or zoo with parent or guardian (not school event)

Travel outside of the US before the age of 18

If one or more of your immediate family members is a Dr, lawyer or executive

If your parents are willing to contribute significantly to your college education

Things that work against you in social mobility:

If you were raised in a rented apartment or house

If you were raised in a single parent home

If one or more persons in your immediate family are in jail or prison

If one or both parents did not graduate high school

I thought they were all interesting things that we don’t necessarily think about. It certainly gave me a lot of insight into my own life and made me think about how I would raise my own family, should I choose to have one. I met some super cool people and it felt like as soon as we got into the groove it was over. I LOVED summer school!

Man Candy Monday is baaaaack!

Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from LOST!

RIP Grillmeister

The world lost a great man this week. He was a great floating buddy, a grillmeister supreme and an outstanding person, husband and friend. My buddy, Rich Bruer, kissed his wife goodbye last Friday and headed off to work. He e-mailed with her that morning discussing the Friday night plan. He took his lunch break and walked around downtown St. Louis. Somewhere along the way he had a massive heart attack and died. Just like that. He was only 44 years old. He leaves behind his wife, Kathryn, who is just a fantastic lady. They had no children but many, many loving friends. It was a good lesson in how short and precious life is. Leigh always used to say that you should tell everyone that you love them before you leave, always. You never know when will be the last time that you see them. I wonder sometimes if she knew how young she would die. I was remembering back to the last float trip. I thanked Rich and Kathryn for getting us all together (and for Rich's expertise on the grill), I told them I couldn't wait until next time and as I closed my car door I said, "love you guys". That was the last time I saw Rich alive.

If you know me, I have probably told you that I love you, because I do. I have many friends who, to this day, are taken aback when I say it. Losing a friend like Rich reminds me of why I do it. It may seem ridiculous or trivial to you but I smile when I look back and remember those final moments of love between us. I feel lucky and blessed for each and every person in my life. I want you to know, no matter what, that I have love in my heart for you. None of us know when our number will be up. If I am remembered as the girl that always said ‘I Love You’, I am ok with that.

I had not seen Rich and Kathryn in years. I am sad to say that I had not seen any of the old floating buddies until we were all brought together by this horrible tragedy. We vowed to float again, to get together and talk. We let ourselves lose touch and then we lost one of our own. Our friend, Rebel Sarah, who floats with us called it “a sin and a shame” if this doesn’t bring us back together. The Rebel is right. We owe it to ourselves and Rich and Kathryn to never be pulled so far apart again.

It is amazing the bond that is formed by a few weekends in the wilderness together. I feel like these people are my family. It felt good to rally for Kathryn. She was full of strength and grace, even in the worst hour of her life. She made the decision the day that Rich died that we would celebrate his life, not mourn his death. Rich was a laid back, peaceful and earthy soul. Kathryn is his opposite. Despite that fact, I am proud to say that Kathryn buried Rich the way that he would have wanted. He had on his shorts, tank top and hat in the casket. In his hands were his sunglasses (which he always wore) and cigars (which he loved to smoke). Some people would call that tacky, I call it a tribute. Rest in peace, Grillmeister, you are loved and missed by many.

It's only 6 weeks (repeat mantra)

I started back to school this week. It is a shortened summer term, only 6 weeks. Monday night was my first meeting of my 'Blacks and their History in Cinema' class. I feel that it should be mentioned that I am, in fact, the only white person in the class. That is a fact that makes me a bit sad. Not that it bothers me but I am pretty sure it mattered to some of the "strong" black women in my class. One group of ladies invited a young man to come sit with them as he was heading to sit at my table. When he declined and sat with me, they were not happy. I have never really experienced reverse discrimination and it honestly felt empowering. The woman who instigated the invitation to this young man turned out to be a MO state representative. Interesting...

I felt as though I knew more black history than they did. I am the only person in the class who has read Roots. When Sidney Poitier came up they said he was a sell out for taking the rolls he did without demanding more black people be involved in his movies. I read "The Measure of a Man", which is his autobiography and I was defensive to their comments. Some of you may not know this but Sidney Poitier was from a Bahamian Island. He had never seen running water or a functioning toilet until he came to the United States. He spoke with an accent and worked very hard just to fit in within the black culture in the US. He barely understood the language, and then could barely speak it; how was he supposed to represent an entire race? This class is going to get really interesting. It is on Monday night from 5:30 to 8pm. We watched a short clip of one of the first movies ever made, in which blacks were portrayed by white people with painted face. This week we are watching "Birth of a Nation" which depicts the KKK in a good light while blaming black people for their own suffering. I am really excited for the discussion that is sure to come from that. We only meet 6 times and the grade is based on class participation, a few critiques and a final paper on a black actor, actresses, director, producer or screen writer. Suggestions are welcome!

On Tuesday and Thursday from 6-9:45 I have Sociology class. It is a really LONG class but interesting topic. I love culture and human interaction and that is what sociology is all about. We have 3 tests and a final. There are 12 classes total and there is a lot of information to cram in. I have read quite a bit about famous sociologists and their theories in my own pleasure reading. The class is multicultural and everyone seems respectful and open to learning so I think it will be fun.

Between the 2 classes, it is 6 credit hours in 6 weeks. I work 8-5 and with St. Louis traffic I have not risked running home between work and class. Poor Bo is going 14-15 hours without going out which breaks my heart. He still is not warming to Ferg and therefore will not go out with him. Ferg's mom watches the kids at our house a few days a week and Bo will go out with her. I feel bad but he chooses to distrust Ferg so it is his call to not go outside. I would probably have enough time to stop home and let him out Tues/Thurs but then there is no time to eat. Going from work to class with no food is just crazy as I don't get out until so late. Plus, I am an eater and I cannot concentrate when my belly is angry and empty.

Every day this week when I have woken up exhausted and cranky I tell myself, "It's only 6 weeks!" After Thursday's class was over, it is only 5 weeks now. I am taking a girl's trip to the lake the last weekend of June, which is also halfway through the summer semester. It will be a much needed break. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize and forge ahead. More than likely I would be drinking and partying if I didn't have school to keep me grounded so I am grateful more than anything. I know it will be hard work but it will all be worth it in the end.

Copacetic

Saturday was awesome with Sam. I went to his house and then we went to the pool. One of his oldest friends moved in with him recently because he is going through a divorce. It was awesome to see him and catch up. Not gonna lie, I felt like he was a good buffer between me ending up in the bedroom with Sam too. lol It was actually kind of like a group of old friends catching up for a while because our history is so shared. He was elated to see me and told me more than a few times that EVERYONE knows I am the one that Sam let get away. As he got more intoxicated, he started to spill details too so that was fun.

At the pool Sam and I had our own 2 chairs off from the crowd so we finally got our chance to catch up. We talked out a lot of things that simply could not be discussed via e-mail. We actually went back to the beginning and both of us being able to recognize the other person's point of view helped a lot. It only took us 10 years to realize we were both pretty stupid and presumptuous. He apologized for pushing me into the relationship when I asked him to please give me time after my 5 year relationship. I apologized for refusing to acknowledge him as my boyfriend which was, quite simply, all he was asking for. He also sees how rough that was for me since my family loved the ex fiancé and we had truly only been broken up a month. I also admitted to him that I was a relationship hopper. In fact, I was in a pseudo relationship when I met my ex fiancé, Chad. I'm not sure why I had never told him that before. Perhaps then my resistance to jumping into something with him would have made sense.

We talked about the police interventions. I took claim for the first and he for the 2nd, as I suspected. Although we both learned a valuable lesson from both instances, we now see how they could have been avoided. Long story short on my claim, the first offense, He called me a whore in MY apartment and I asked him to leave. He would not so I went to the door, opened it and then issued the order that he could leave or I would make him. So he got in my face and called me a whore again. It was like a reflex when my right hook busted his glasses off of his face. I did not feel a bit of remorse because I felt like he was clearly in the wrong. Grant you, I should have used my words instead of my fist but in my defense, he is much larger than I am and he was amped up and in my face. Instinct and survival kicked in for sure. He called the police, and his sister which is truly a whole blog in itself. That incident is the closest I have ever come to going to jail. In the end, he had broken glasses and a cut on his face. I think his ego was more wounded than anything. What we determined is that he has learned his lesson on name calling and once his sister knew the truth of what happened. She had my back and not his.

We didn't talk for a while after that first incident. We eventually got back together though. I don't remember how or why our 2nd police intervention came about. I know we were fighting about something and he came to my apartment. He was angry and amped up again and I just knew it was not going to go well so I would not let him in. He ended up crawling into my bathroom window. I called the police this time and he was ordered to stay away. I don't remember exact time lines but that didn't last long. We were so drawn to one another.

Sam has experienced quite a few major life changes and lessons in the past few years, as have I. We talked a lot about his last relationship, which just ended 3 months ago. It was refreshing to be open and honest again with someone that I know so well. We also talked a bit about CL. Sam saw him at our mutual friend's wedding in October and thought he looked like a total douche. I thought it was pretty funny what a strong reaction he had to me being with someone else after all of that time. We talked about the period of time that we tried to be friends but still totally wanted to be together. We just could not figure out how. We spent so many good times together, basically dating and just never told each other how we felt. I just wanted him to be happy and I thought he was happier without me. He has regrets about things he did and so do I. I was just really glad to get my feelings off of my chest and get a few answers.

We are both definitely alpha dogs which was an issue for CL and me as well. The major bond that Sam and I had, and it wasn't the only thing but one of the biggest, was amazing sex. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Hands down, my best ever and his as well. He said it more than a few times yesterday. It is really no surprise that we eventually got drunk and boned. He apologized for a whole lot. He was wrong to cheat on his gf at the time and I was disgusted with myself. I knew after experiencing a completely amazing night (and morning, in the interest of full disclosure) that we could not be friends or even be around each other. When I told him that yesterday he said, "Well then, why did it happen again in the morning?" Old times’ sake, a final farewell...call it what you want. I think that shocked him a bit. He knew he was so wrong that he had absolutely no hard feelings for my avoiding him. I think he just missed me. I missed him too but I couldn't go back. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.

We have mad, crazy, fiery passion. On my way to his house I honestly wanted to throw up. When I saw his bff on the front porch, I was relieved to have a buffer. He knows our entire history anyway and he really wasn't around that much. He did walk in at one point when we were talking about Sam's ex and he was like, "why are you two talking about that?" And Sam said, "I've known this girl 10 years and I have nothing to hide from her" He drank beer at the pool and we were there about 3 hours. When we walked back to his house we were all hungry and they were going to bbq so I did have 2 drinks while we cooked and hung out on the deck. It was weird to be in his house again but then also oddly comfortable too. He made a few comments about getting me into bed but other than that he did pretty well.

The final straw was after lunch. It was after many beers for him, his roomie passing out face down on the floor and my 2 drinks down. He looks at me and just says flat out, "I want to kiss you so bad right now" I was a little buzzed and not really thinking and I said, "I'm not scared of you" He was out of his chair and one inch from my face in seconds. I leaned my head back and said "no" but the fire was burning me. He made some comment about how I couldn't handle it and I left very shortly after.

Part of me says I will never find this love, passion or spark again. I know many people who never find what we have. The other part says, been there, done that...many, many times. I do love the shit out of him. I don't know if we really could be friends after spending the day catching up and experiencing sparks and eventually FIRE. Like I said, much has changed. I honestly don't know what he wants. I mean, clearly, he's a man so sex is on the brain but I am pretty sure that is not all he wants. I know I still feel the same way about him that I always have. I guess I know the potential of what he can be and I would expect at least that from him in a relationship, if not more. At this point, he would really have to bring it to convince me that I am what he wants. I am not sure he has that in him. I am going to need the full meal deal and a big neon 'GO' sign to put myself back into it fully. My spirit guides are going to have to lead me directly there if that is my destiny. I am too old to be fuckin' around. I know he loves me. I never doubted that. He didn't love himself back then and I am still not sure that he is ready to allow himself to be happy. He knows me better than most people so we shall see where it goes from here. I feel better having said my peace so if nothing else, it was the closure that I needed.

A cliff hanger...

The spark is still there but so is the fear. We loved and abused each other equally back then. It has been 5 years since we have been a couple. It has been 3 years since we have seen each other one-on-one without a crowd. I feel bad about how I just walked away from him. I had to do it for myself and my sanity. So why is there still a spark? Why do I randomly wonder where he is or what he is doing? Why do I compare our good times with everyone else I date? They never measure up. We had a true connection and amazing passion. There were definitely extremely tumultuous times but in the end, we were always there for each other. I could depend on him whether he was my friend, my boyfriend or my nothing. I could have called him for help over the past 3 years of silence. He would have been there and I know that.

Our timing was terrible 10 years ago when this all started. I will never forget the day he came up to me at work and told me I was “the most beautiful girl” he had ever seen. I was coming out of a serious 5 year relationship, perhaps still a little scorned. I was not ready to date and I told him so. He pushed because he could not wait. He apologized for that this week. He knows what should have happened. It is funny that when most relationships go wrong, we tend to blame the other person. In our case, we have both bent over backwards to take responsibility for what was ours and maybe some of what wasn’t. We communicated horribly back then. We hurt each other because we knew just how to do it and we did it to be hurtful.

We were violent, to the point of police intervention, twice. I will take responsibility for one of those and I think he would tell you he takes the other. The passion between us was insane. We loved and hated with all that we had. We were so off and on and back and forth that I was not even sure when we were “together”. We managed to put the crazy behind us and be “friends” for years after all of this. We even took a trip to Amsterdam with mutual friends. We had that comfortable, fun relationship without the drama. We both dated other people and we were great friends to each other. We told each other things that I know neither of us has told another soul. We have been through things together that you cannot explain to someone new. We knew and (mostly) loved each other’s family, even after we split. We were so in sync.

Then it happened. I think it happens to most exes’ who still have feelings for each other. We got super drunk (n’coked-I have no reason to lie) and had mad passionate sex after years of being friends. I knew the moment that I woke up in his bed that we could not be friends anymore. He was dating someone at the time and I felt awful, as did he. It was an all around horrible moment. After 7 years of back and forth, something snapped in me that day. I knew as I walked out the door that I would not be back. We talked on the phone, really we cried. I felt horrible about being the other woman and he felt like a failure to the girl he was dating and to me. We never spoke again.

My heart broke for months, really years. I missed him so much. Not the relationship but the friendship, just having him. I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen the way it did. I never considered at the time how strong the force of our connection was. I never considered that it was always heading that way. We just couldn’t or didn’t want to stop it. Over the years I have thought about him a lot. Like I said, I have compared my other relationships to ours. I have wondered about him and his family. I would hear things thru mutual friends and so want to pick up the phone to call. I would not allow myself to do that. I would think of him on his birthday and the anniversary of our Amsterdam trip. I shut him out completely. He tried to contact me a few months later. He sent a letter by mail and then an e-mail. I never responded. I couldn’t see us hurting each other anymore. I didn’t even remember the letter or e-mail until I found them not too long ago. I guess I really blocked that out in order to try to move on.

I ran into him at the funeral of a very close mutual friend and barely recognized him in 2008. (He had grizzly wooly mammoth facial hair) I could tell that he was elated to see me and I really played down how excited I was to see him. We spoke briefly, catching up on friends but that was about it. He had been through some pretty life altering stuff that year and I knew it but I couldn’t force myself to ask. Again, I walked away from him. I remember him shouting out his phone number as I walked away and immediately deleting it from my mind.

I saw him again at my girl’s wedding last year. We had an awkward moment in the stairs and that was about it. I found his apology e-mail from 2007 shortly after that, totally by fate, I think. It pulled at my heart so much and it baffled me that I was able to just ignore him. I felt like a heel. Especially after the way CL did his check-outs and left me to wonder all of the time. Once I realized I had done that as well, I was on a mission to fix it. We e-mailed back and forth for a bit as you probably remember. He was awesomely forgiving and completely understood why I did what I did. We have commented back and forth on Facebook or sent a quick e-mail here and there but that has been it since then. We were both avoiding really talking or hanging out, that was clear.

Last week his cousin’s plan was shot down in Iraq. He posted on FB to please pray for him and I was the first to respond. I have known his cousin since he was a preteen. Their parents married brother’s and sister’s (mom’s sister married dad’s brother) so these cousins are really like brothers. I was shaken over the possibility that his cousin’s number was up. I knew how close they were and how devastated he would be by something like that. I eventually e-mailed him for an update and what I got back was a shock. His cousin was fine, that is how it all started out. But then it went to how I was the only girl he ever truly loved. He said he hasn’t called to hang out or talk because he can’t be my friend or keep his hands off me. I was taken aback by this. I knew we still had the draw but I had no idea he still felt that way after all of this time. The craziest part is, I.do.too. I always have.

When I really think about it, during our “friendship” time, I always had feelings for him. I have always loved him. I wanted him to be happy. I thought he was happier without me. He dated others and seemed into it so I never considered that we were both playing the same game. I guess we didn’t want to put ourselves out there? I am not sure but clearly this is a sign of our poor communication.

We are going to hang out today for a few hours at his pool. We literally haven’t seen each other without a crowd since 2007. I am not even sure what he looks like now. I have no idea how much he has changed since his life was turned upside down right after we stopped talking. I can hear in his responses that he is different. Years have passed, wounds have healed. There is a lot that I have to say, to be honest and get it out there. There is so much that I didn’t tell him that I want to now. The few people I have talked to about this have mixed reviews on how they feel. Some feel this is our fate while others think that we would always end up the way that we did. What matters this time is how I feel. For right now I feel like it will be a conversation with an old friend but I would be lying to say that I am not afraid that he is going to take his shirt off at the pool and I am going to attack! I am keeping my mind open but my legs closed;-) To Be Continued…

To my BFF

Gilith-

I can’t believe that you are 32 today. It seems like just yesterday we were peeing under my neighbor’s deck, as to not have to go inside and possibly have our play time cut short. I look back at the photo of you pulling me through my walker as a baby and it is hard to believe we have been together our whole lives. I can’t remember a childhood birthday without you. I am pretty sure every holiday of our lives we have spent together unless one or both of us were out of town. I remember the day the photo was taken outside of Chucky Cheese for my 4th birthday. You, me, Stacy and Lora were so close; and then there were 2. I remember the surprise 10th birthday party that you told my mom was probably not a good idea. Your huge backyard parties were so much fun. Your dad was always a huge part of the entertainment. It is so weird, but I remember the wallpaper and carpeted kitchen of your parent’s house in the old neighborhood. Our gum collection on under your parent’s steps is still there and I am not going to lie, I am damn proud of it!

How many 4th of July’s did we almost blow each other or someone else up? Camping, first as two families and then with our dad’s when we got into Indian Princess. I will never forget Trout Lodge or the Cottonwood cabin there. (“M&M, that spells Mmmmm, Mmmm is the sound that I make when I eat them. When I die…bury me in M&M’s”) How about the time that we got our dad’s to dance to Beastie Boys, complete with a light show from our flashlights? I bet my dad and yours could still sing Fight for Your Right. Oh, and the Trout Lodge Trip where you ate a bag of Tootsie Rolls and then jumped on the bed! You did indeed throw up ON me at dinner but I got you back years later in a drunken stupor. I loved that you told me the next morning that not only did I puke on you and my parents white couch but that you knew it was Tootsie Roll payback and you were cool with it. My dad taking a leaky tent was a classic camping moment too. If he had listened to us that it leaked he would have been as dry as we were the next morning;-)

I still love that we plotted against our parents in our pre-teen years. We said we would plaster our walls with NKOTB and talk about nothing else until they let us go to the concert. Then we caught my dad in a weak, drunken moment and convinced him that if we stood in line for tickets, he would take us. He has no idea how much we loved them, did he? I still remember the look of shock on his face when we came back from the mall with 26th row, center seats at Busch Stadium. How cool was he in his multi-pocketed Bugle Boy jeans? I remember the ‘No Camera’ sign and our hearts breaking and then my dad, cool as a cucumber smuggling the camera in one of his many pockets. We have photos of Jordan’s shirt blowing up because of my dad! My favorite part of that experience, other than sharing it with you and my daddy, was when they asked my dad to get down off of his chair. He was so excited!

That was the last time we agreed on music until our 20’s. We never liked the same boy. We may have fancied one or 2 back in the day but NKOTB was the closest we came to liking the same boy. Well and that guy in the VW bug that we both checked out and were shocked to find the other interested in. Junior high was the first time we attended the same school. I was so excited to see you in the halls and know we could chat at lunch. Our differences became more apparent during this time but our similarities were solid. We have history and much love. We were total opposites in high school. I guess I was labeled“prep” and you ran with the “freak” crowd. Isn’t it amazing that none of that mattered to either of us? Your friends were cool to me and my friends loved you.

As we grew up and spent less time together, our bond has never broken. When you announced that you were moving to Colorado I felt like my life had shattered. I knew we would always be friends but my heart was broken. Our road trip to move you to Colorado in the VW bus will live in infamy. From the hotel in Salina, Kansas where we lined the floor with towels so we wouldn’t walk on the carpet; to the 2 hours that we silently loved Bob Marley on our final drive into Denver. Fate showed me you belonged there when you got a job at a vegetarian restaurant the day I left town. When you met David, I could hear in your voice that he was “the one”. When I met David I told you if I had seen him on the street I would have known he was your future husband.

Even though you went to catholic school and you were raised in a good and loving home I know you learned a lot from being around my crazy family; probably a lot of what not to do. I learned what a loving family was first from your parents and then from Leigh’s. My history and my entire life is wrapped up in my friendship with you. You are my chosen sister, my best friend and my soul mate. I love that your 2 year old son looks at my picture and knows that I am mommy’s friend, Toni. I love that I could call you at any time, any place and know you will be there to listen. I love that our families still celebrate the holidays and all major events together. I love that I can call your mom for anything and know she will be there for me too. I love that when I can’t remember something about my life (which is rare) I can call you and you always know what I am talking about. I love that there are jokes and phrases that will forever be ours. I love that I can’t watch:
The Breakfast Club
16 Candles
Pretty In Pink
Some Kind of Wonderful
Steel Magnolias
The Incredible Shrinking Woman
My Chauffer
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
The Princess Bride
Pretty Woman
St. Elmo’s Fire…without thinking of you. I love that we could have an entire conversation strictly quoting these movies and pretty much only you and I would know it. I love that we talk at least once a week still. I love that you are still the first person that I want to tell good news to. I love that you are in love, with both your husband and your son, and you are living the life I always dreamed of for you. I love, more than anything, that when I called you today I could hear your sleepy voice. I knew you had just gotten up from a nap and you knew that I knew, just by your voice. I love that we can sit silently for hours on end and not feel uncomfortable. I love that we can complete each other’s sentences and confuse those around us.

You are the most fantastic, loving, giving and trusting soul I have ever met. You have softened my heart in ways that you cannot imagine. You have taught me many life lessons, along with your family and you are all a huge part of my family forever. You are my real life Mother Theresa and Gandhi. You are everything that is goodness in this world to me. My parents see you, and now your husband and son, as their own. You are my family, my heart and everything I strive to be. Thank you for always loving me, accepting me and knowing when to tell me I am totally fucking up. I hope that you have an amazing 32nd year. I hope it brings you much love, laughter and peace. And perhaps a red headed little girl to match the little boy;-)

I love you, Friend,

Ybsorc

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Last Tuesday night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I always swore I would never set foot in the place. My old roommate Sarah joined Weight Watchers 3 years ago and we affectionately called it Dub Dub. Sarah and I had lived together for about 5 years when she started Dub Dub. I had seen her try many diets in the course of our friendship but she insisted this was not a diet. She has been heavy her whole life and even she would tell you that she was, cute-in-the-face-Sarah. That is what everyone used to tell her. She is gorgeous in the face but she is also a beautiful person on the inside. I have talked before about our discovery of totally different eating styles and how we both learned a lot from each other in that regard. After Sarah started Dub Dub we would watch The Biggest Loser and cry together over other people’s stories of success and failure in weight loss. I saw the determination in her eyes and there was no doubt that she would do it, she would be a success at weight loss.

The changes were small at first. Sarah started making breakfast for herself. No matter how much time she had, she ate every morning. It was usually an english muffin with peanut butter or an egg. Starting her day off with that extra kick of energy made a difference right away. Then she started planning lunch and dinner ahead of time. She was preparing so she would not splurge. In her previous life she had a long love affair with fast-food and I know that was a hard habit for her to break. She attended meetings weekly and stuck to Dub Dub’s plan. She dropped 40 pounds pretty quickly. There were plateaus and weeks where she would gain but she kept going. She portioned her food, counted her points and made a lifestyle change for herself. She learned not to treat herself with food but with other loves. For her first 25 pound milestone she bought shoes. It became a theme for her and it encouraged her fellow Dub girls to consider ways to reward themselves.

When I moved from Sarah’s house last year she was probably at 50 pounds lost, which was a weight I had seen her at before. She looked great but she was also still forging ahead in her weight loss. She had taken a job at Petsmart and was stocking shelves of 20 and 40 pound bags of dog food and cat litter. I didn’t see Sarah for a few months after I moved. When I did see her again, I hardly recognized her. She was absolutely stunning. She was confident. She was sassy. She was thinner than I had ever seen her. She was wearing clothes that fit! I was amazed by her transformation. She has a hard time with strong reactions to her weight loss because she is still the same person inside. While she sees the change, she is amazed every time at how others react to her. I think a part of one’s mind always sees themselves in a certain way. Time will show Sarah that she can let go of that old mind set.

Last Tuesday night Dub Dub asked Sarah to speak at success night. I wanted to surprise her and just show up and it worked out perfectly. Sarah’s mom also came to support her. There were about 8 speakers, all with heartbreaking and uplifting stories of their own. I always thought I would invoke daggers by walking into a weight watchers but I soon realized that there are no assumptions. One of the women who spoke was a size 6 with the greatest set of legs I have ever seen. When she pulled out her size 22 pants I could not believe my eyes. She has lost over 100 pounds and just recently rewarded herself with a tummy tuck. She was my proof that people of all sizes seek out support in weight loss. Maybe karma brought me here because of my fat people rant????

There were many more inspiring stories that night but none that brought out my waterworks like watching my former roommate tell her story. I feel almost like it is our story. She talked about what she learned. They were staples in her vocabulary for the past 3 years but hearing them out loud to the crowd was awe inspiring. She always says, “There are no bad foods, just bad decisions”. She basically spoke about everyone making mistakes and how you have to forgive yourself and let each day be new. She made a joke about losing her Dub Dub pass in an Entenmanns’s donut box, which was verified by her fellow meeting attendees. She showed off her 75 pound shoes and talked about rewards and staying the course. She was funny, she captured the audience and she inspired many. Her mom leaned over when she had finished and said, “Look how skinny her legs are” in my ear. I was bawling like a baby. I don’t think I could be more proud if I were her mother. I dare say I was more proud than her mother. I was with her during the bad times and I was so proud to be with her during the good.

Sarah has lost and maintained a total of 80 pounds in the past 3 years. She says there was no bigger moment than one night by herself at the Pmart, as she calls it; she was carrying two 40 pound bags of dog food. She was huffing and puffing along and then she stopped dead in her tracks. With this added 80 pounds she was carrying the weight that she used to be. That moment showed her how hard weight is on your body. She was now bending under the strain of what she used to carry with her daily. I firmly believe that Dub Dub is not a diet but a total change of life. Once you meet, and as long as you maintain your goal, you are a lifetime member. Many of those people continue to attend meetings for the support and understanding. They also serve as a great inspiration. I don’t know what Sarah’s ‘number’ is but I know she is getting closer and it gets harder at the end. I also know she is forging ahead. Once at goal I think she should become a Dub Dub rep. They already know how lucky they would be. I am not going to lie, Dub Dub impressed me but my friend Sarah impressed me more.

Another Fairwell

I walked thru the doors the first time with my sister and her real estate agent the day she took possession back in 2004. I was working for Wells Fargo and I actually did her loan. The Bo-man and I moved in shortly after. We had 2 gay boys and 2 dogs in the basement at some point during that year, probably from March to September. I moved to Colorado from August to October of 2004. When I came back from Colorado , I lived with Rachel for 1 year. In late August of 2005 I returned home to 2048 Westbrook for the final time.


In November of 2005, my sister was accepted to Law School in Michigan . This was her dream and she considered passing it up because of her responsibility to the house. I told her to go and we would work it out. Sarah and I lived together from 2002 until my first run at 2048 Westbrook in 2004. Our parting was not fantastic but we salvaged our friendship and moved on. Sarah was living with a friend and needed a place. I was in my sister’s house by myself after she left for school. Sarah moved in around early 2006. In April of 2006, Sarah bought 2048 Westbrook from my sister. I also did her loan.

Sarah lost her job shortly after purchasing the house. It needed major work when she bought it and without a job, she had no means to fix it up. Sarah and I lived together at 2048 Westbrook from early 2006 until April of last year (2009) when I moved in with CL. There were many memories in the house before Sarah moved in. My sister, her ex Jamie and I had a great time living there. It was my first time living with lesbians and I still plan to write a book on that. We were the gay after party hot spot for many years. We had family Christmas and many friendly bbq’s. The memories continued after Sarah moved in. My friend Kari was forced to seek shelter one summer when her power was out for days in 100 degree heat. She affectionately renamed 2048 Westbrook, The Overland Westin. Sarah and I had a huge joint birthday/housewarming party in 2006. All of our friends were there and I fondly remember it as one of our best times in that house.

For the better part of the last 6 years I have lived in that house with either my sister or Sarah. There are memories there that will last a lifetime. We befriended the neighbors when my sister lived there and continued our connection after she was gone. Our favorite, Brad, is a drunken idiot who would randomly wake up at 3pm and ask if you could drive him to the corner bar to get his car. He had many a drunken and rowdy bbq’s but we still loved him. About 3 years ago Brad put a huge stuffed bunny in the back of Sarah’s truck. She just looked in her rear view one day and there was a huge bunny. Only Brad would do that. This thing is almost 4 feet tall and bigger around than me. We kept it to someday prank him back.

Last night was curtain call at 2048 Westbrook. Sarah is moving out. It feels like the end of an era. As we packed up the last of her stuff and took it to storage, Brad heckled us from his driveway. He was drunk and belligerent but that is how he shows his love. We smoked a final bowl in the living room, as a toast to 2048 Westbrook. We even tried to call my sister on speaker phone so she could share in the moment but she did not answer. We hid the giant bunny in Brad’s front bush, facing Brown Road so all of the neighbors can have a laugh. We loaded up the dogs, shut down the lights and I closed the door 1 final time. It was perfect and just as it should have been. Sarah, the kids and me for one final call.

It would be a lie to say that I did not shed a tear. This is a huge part of my past, my history and my relationships with both my sister and Sarah. There were bad things that happened there, many, but all I can seem to remember right now is the good. There were a lot of laughs, a lot of love and a family that we all needed so desperately. I feel very lucky to have had the experiences that I did at 2048 Westbrook. I am grateful for that time with my sister. I am glad that Sarah and I have now mended our fences twice after living together. Our friendship is stronger than ever and I am so proud of her. Of course we both got a good laugh at the massive bunny in our rear view mirrors as we drove away.

“Laugher thru tears is my favorite emotion”~ Miss Truvy.

So long 2048 Westbrook, shout out to the 114 and the comfort of the Overland Westin. Thanks for the memories, they will live on in my heart and mind forever.

P.S. The 114 is the last 3 digets of the zip code. It was our shout out to our hood back in the day!

P.P. S. Today when Sarah went to do the final walk thru and Brad was leaving his house. He pulled out of the driveway, put the car in park in the street and got out screaming “God damn it, Sarah” as his fiancé laughed her face off. I wonder who old Peter Rabbit will end up with next?

Resort Style Living...

You have all heard about my best friend, Manda, who lives in the mountains with her husband, their baby and her brother. I wrote this post last year about her trekking buckets of water up the mountain so she could flush her toilet and boil it to drink. This story actually rivals that one, if you can believe it.

So Manda calls me Monday morning on my way into work. I was concerned because she never calls me in the morning. (I am not really what you would call a “morning person”) She tells me she has another exciting chapter to add to “Resort Style Living”, which is what we call her humble abode tucked high on that mountain. She goes on to explain that her, her husband and baby were watching a movie Sunday night and the boys fell asleep. Manda saw the motion sensor in the backyard (mountain side) and thought that one of their cats was back there wanting in. She went to the door and almost swung it open when she saw a massive black butt. There was a black BEAR on her patio!!!! She ran to wake David and by the time they came back to the door, the bear was gone. David cursed himself for leaving the trash can outside (in the mountains you have to bring your trash in) and knew that was the reason the bear was drawn to them. ("Stupid human", David said. LMAO!)

After about 5 minutes of Manda and David continuing to watch outside, the bear returned to pillage the trash for food. This is the time that bears are coming out of winter hibernation and they are hungry. The previous owners told them that around this time each year a bear would come down and eat the fruit from their trees that had fallen on the ground. They told them he had never tried to harm them or anyone that they knew of but to be careful. Manda says neither she nor David got a bad vibe from the bear. (?????) He seemed satisfied with the trash and retreated up the mountain.

Manda’s little brother has a cabin on their land as well. He has no bathroom in his cabin so he usually comes up each night to the main house to take out his contacts and brush his teeth. Manda did not want him coming up and being surprised by a huge black bear. Their phone line is set up at their house and Justin’s cabin so incoming calls ring at both. Because they are using the same phone line, Manda could not call Justin to warn him. Their phone system does, however, allow them to transfer calls to the cabin. It was 1am mountain time at this point, so it was 2am in St. Louis . Manda called her other brother who lives here in the Lou and is always out partying late. She then transferred him to the cabin to tell Justin about the bear. Of course, after all of that trouble, he was not home. She called the local bar, which is the only other option of where he could be and they did not answer. She worried all night that Justin would try to come up and get accosted by a bear.

Monday morning Justin did come up. He said the moonlight was shining on the mountain when he got home and he saw all kinds of trash so he assumed there was a bear (clever mountain folks!) so he just went to his cabin. They are in the process now of discussing building a wooden, lockable trash can to avoid this issue in the future. In the meantime, Manda and baby Oliver will be playing inside for a good little while. I asked her as we were hanging up what she thinks of “resort style living” now. She said they are fine and will get used to their new massive friend. I told her not to go making friend with him. She’s like that. I bet he has a name by week’s end.

P.S. After writing this post, I spoke to Manda. The bear has been back, even when the dogs were outside and there have been no issues. Baby Oliver has slept through both appearances so he has yet to feast his eyes on his new beastly friend. She already seems to be softening to the idea of a friendly bear!

Random Dozen

1. Have you ever been so lost that you were really afraid?

Not that I can recall. I usually purposely get lost in a new place so I am forced to find my way back. Somehow that helps me remember the way a bit better. The first time I missed the last downtown St. Louis exit and ended up in East St. Louis, Illinois I did freak out, cry and call my dad but I was in high school.

2. Have you ever been to an island?

When I was in the first grade we went to California and took a bottomless boat to Catalina Island. It stormed, causing high seas, and I will certainly never forget it. There was an island at Trout Lodge where we used to camp when I was a kid. Manda and I used to love going over there by ourselves.

3. Are you more of a thinker or feeler?

I think I am equal parts of both. I analyze everything thoroughly but my heart rules most of the time because I do feel very deeply.

4. Do you tend to see issues or situations in life as black and white or shades of gray?

Almost always grey. I can see both sides of most things. I am very passionate about certain causes though and sometimes the only explaination for some peoples opinions is stupidity. Seeing grey is really helping in my debate class!

5. If you were stuck on an island, what book would you hope to have with you (Let's pretend the Bible is already there, so you can't say that.)

Roots. It is a long book and there is much to miss on your first few reads. I would have never even considered the Bible, honestly.

6. What are you most afraid of?

A painful death, rape and not fulfilling my potential. Being alone forever.

7. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?

I would rather die than do either of these. My past made me into who I am and my future will overcome it all.

8. Pretend I'm looking at a scrapbook page about you. There are three spaces for you to drop in individual pictures. What are those pictures of, and why did you select them?

My dog because he is my main man.
All of my friends because they are my best memories
My family because they are a huge part of me

9. If you were re-doing your wedding, what would you do differently? (If you're single, tell me one thing you would do if you were planning a wedding OR huge party.)

I will run away to get married. I hate the idea of a big hoopla. I think you waste so much time planning for 1 night. You have to invite people you never see which takes time away from those that you want to see. I am not that girl who dreamed of her wedding day. I don’t need a dress, I don’t need a church, all I need is a loving partner and an exotic beach location.

10. Tell me one thing you know/believe about forgiveness.

Forgiveness releases the person who is doing the forgiving from the one who has wronged them. To forgive is to save yourself. The other person more than likely could care less.

11. You're waiting in a doctor's office. What is your favorite way to pass that time?

I try to bring a book but I usually forget.

12. If there were a clone of you in a parallel universe what is one way you hope she/he would be the same as you and one way you hope she/he would be better?

I would hope she has my passion and fire for life. Perhaps the “other” me could not take things so personally all of the time and has a better idea of knowing when to say enough is enough and walk away.