A cliff hanger...

The spark is still there but so is the fear. We loved and abused each other equally back then. It has been 5 years since we have been a couple. It has been 3 years since we have seen each other one-on-one without a crowd. I feel bad about how I just walked away from him. I had to do it for myself and my sanity. So why is there still a spark? Why do I randomly wonder where he is or what he is doing? Why do I compare our good times with everyone else I date? They never measure up. We had a true connection and amazing passion. There were definitely extremely tumultuous times but in the end, we were always there for each other. I could depend on him whether he was my friend, my boyfriend or my nothing. I could have called him for help over the past 3 years of silence. He would have been there and I know that.

Our timing was terrible 10 years ago when this all started. I will never forget the day he came up to me at work and told me I was “the most beautiful girl” he had ever seen. I was coming out of a serious 5 year relationship, perhaps still a little scorned. I was not ready to date and I told him so. He pushed because he could not wait. He apologized for that this week. He knows what should have happened. It is funny that when most relationships go wrong, we tend to blame the other person. In our case, we have both bent over backwards to take responsibility for what was ours and maybe some of what wasn’t. We communicated horribly back then. We hurt each other because we knew just how to do it and we did it to be hurtful.

We were violent, to the point of police intervention, twice. I will take responsibility for one of those and I think he would tell you he takes the other. The passion between us was insane. We loved and hated with all that we had. We were so off and on and back and forth that I was not even sure when we were “together”. We managed to put the crazy behind us and be “friends” for years after all of this. We even took a trip to Amsterdam with mutual friends. We had that comfortable, fun relationship without the drama. We both dated other people and we were great friends to each other. We told each other things that I know neither of us has told another soul. We have been through things together that you cannot explain to someone new. We knew and (mostly) loved each other’s family, even after we split. We were so in sync.

Then it happened. I think it happens to most exes’ who still have feelings for each other. We got super drunk (n’coked-I have no reason to lie) and had mad passionate sex after years of being friends. I knew the moment that I woke up in his bed that we could not be friends anymore. He was dating someone at the time and I felt awful, as did he. It was an all around horrible moment. After 7 years of back and forth, something snapped in me that day. I knew as I walked out the door that I would not be back. We talked on the phone, really we cried. I felt horrible about being the other woman and he felt like a failure to the girl he was dating and to me. We never spoke again.

My heart broke for months, really years. I missed him so much. Not the relationship but the friendship, just having him. I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen the way it did. I never considered at the time how strong the force of our connection was. I never considered that it was always heading that way. We just couldn’t or didn’t want to stop it. Over the years I have thought about him a lot. Like I said, I have compared my other relationships to ours. I have wondered about him and his family. I would hear things thru mutual friends and so want to pick up the phone to call. I would not allow myself to do that. I would think of him on his birthday and the anniversary of our Amsterdam trip. I shut him out completely. He tried to contact me a few months later. He sent a letter by mail and then an e-mail. I never responded. I couldn’t see us hurting each other anymore. I didn’t even remember the letter or e-mail until I found them not too long ago. I guess I really blocked that out in order to try to move on.

I ran into him at the funeral of a very close mutual friend and barely recognized him in 2008. (He had grizzly wooly mammoth facial hair) I could tell that he was elated to see me and I really played down how excited I was to see him. We spoke briefly, catching up on friends but that was about it. He had been through some pretty life altering stuff that year and I knew it but I couldn’t force myself to ask. Again, I walked away from him. I remember him shouting out his phone number as I walked away and immediately deleting it from my mind.

I saw him again at my girl’s wedding last year. We had an awkward moment in the stairs and that was about it. I found his apology e-mail from 2007 shortly after that, totally by fate, I think. It pulled at my heart so much and it baffled me that I was able to just ignore him. I felt like a heel. Especially after the way CL did his check-outs and left me to wonder all of the time. Once I realized I had done that as well, I was on a mission to fix it. We e-mailed back and forth for a bit as you probably remember. He was awesomely forgiving and completely understood why I did what I did. We have commented back and forth on Facebook or sent a quick e-mail here and there but that has been it since then. We were both avoiding really talking or hanging out, that was clear.

Last week his cousin’s plan was shot down in Iraq. He posted on FB to please pray for him and I was the first to respond. I have known his cousin since he was a preteen. Their parents married brother’s and sister’s (mom’s sister married dad’s brother) so these cousins are really like brothers. I was shaken over the possibility that his cousin’s number was up. I knew how close they were and how devastated he would be by something like that. I eventually e-mailed him for an update and what I got back was a shock. His cousin was fine, that is how it all started out. But then it went to how I was the only girl he ever truly loved. He said he hasn’t called to hang out or talk because he can’t be my friend or keep his hands off me. I was taken aback by this. I knew we still had the draw but I had no idea he still felt that way after all of this time. The craziest part is, I.do.too. I always have.

When I really think about it, during our “friendship” time, I always had feelings for him. I have always loved him. I wanted him to be happy. I thought he was happier without me. He dated others and seemed into it so I never considered that we were both playing the same game. I guess we didn’t want to put ourselves out there? I am not sure but clearly this is a sign of our poor communication.

We are going to hang out today for a few hours at his pool. We literally haven’t seen each other without a crowd since 2007. I am not even sure what he looks like now. I have no idea how much he has changed since his life was turned upside down right after we stopped talking. I can hear in his responses that he is different. Years have passed, wounds have healed. There is a lot that I have to say, to be honest and get it out there. There is so much that I didn’t tell him that I want to now. The few people I have talked to about this have mixed reviews on how they feel. Some feel this is our fate while others think that we would always end up the way that we did. What matters this time is how I feel. For right now I feel like it will be a conversation with an old friend but I would be lying to say that I am not afraid that he is going to take his shirt off at the pool and I am going to attack! I am keeping my mind open but my legs closed;-) To Be Continued…