Sunday, June 6, 2010


Saturday was awesome with Sam. I went to his house and then we went to the pool. One of his oldest friends moved in with him recently because he is going through a divorce. It was awesome to see him and catch up. Not gonna lie, I felt like he was a good buffer between me ending up in the bedroom with Sam too. lol It was actually kind of like a group of old friends catching up for a while because our history is so shared. He was elated to see me and told me more than a few times that EVERYONE knows I am the one that Sam let get away. As he got more intoxicated, he started to spill details too so that was fun.

At the pool Sam and I had our own 2 chairs off from the crowd so we finally got our chance to catch up. We talked out a lot of things that simply could not be discussed via e-mail. We actually went back to the beginning and both of us being able to recognize the other person's point of view helped a lot. It only took us 10 years to realize we were both pretty stupid and presumptuous. He apologized for pushing me into the relationship when I asked him to please give me time after my 5 year relationship. I apologized for refusing to acknowledge him as my boyfriend which was, quite simply, all he was asking for. He also sees how rough that was for me since my family loved the ex fiancé and we had truly only been broken up a month. I also admitted to him that I was a relationship hopper. In fact, I was in a pseudo relationship when I met my ex fiancé, Chad. I'm not sure why I had never told him that before. Perhaps then my resistance to jumping into something with him would have made sense.

We talked about the police interventions. I took claim for the first and he for the 2nd, as I suspected. Although we both learned a valuable lesson from both instances, we now see how they could have been avoided. Long story short on my claim, the first offense, He called me a whore in MY apartment and I asked him to leave. He would not so I went to the door, opened it and then issued the order that he could leave or I would make him. So he got in my face and called me a whore again. It was like a reflex when my right hook busted his glasses off of his face. I did not feel a bit of remorse because I felt like he was clearly in the wrong. Grant you, I should have used my words instead of my fist but in my defense, he is much larger than I am and he was amped up and in my face. Instinct and survival kicked in for sure. He called the police, and his sister which is truly a whole blog in itself. That incident is the closest I have ever come to going to jail. In the end, he had broken glasses and a cut on his face. I think his ego was more wounded than anything. What we determined is that he has learned his lesson on name calling and once his sister knew the truth of what happened. She had my back and not his.

We didn't talk for a while after that first incident. We eventually got back together though. I don't remember how or why our 2nd police intervention came about. I know we were fighting about something and he came to my apartment. He was angry and amped up again and I just knew it was not going to go well so I would not let him in. He ended up crawling into my bathroom window. I called the police this time and he was ordered to stay away. I don't remember exact time lines but that didn't last long. We were so drawn to one another.

Sam has experienced quite a few major life changes and lessons in the past few years, as have I. We talked a lot about his last relationship, which just ended 3 months ago. It was refreshing to be open and honest again with someone that I know so well. We also talked a bit about CL. Sam saw him at our mutual friend's wedding in October and thought he looked like a total douche. I thought it was pretty funny what a strong reaction he had to me being with someone else after all of that time. We talked about the period of time that we tried to be friends but still totally wanted to be together. We just could not figure out how. We spent so many good times together, basically dating and just never told each other how we felt. I just wanted him to be happy and I thought he was happier without me. He has regrets about things he did and so do I. I was just really glad to get my feelings off of my chest and get a few answers.

We are both definitely alpha dogs which was an issue for CL and me as well. The major bond that Sam and I had, and it wasn't the only thing but one of the biggest, was amazing sex. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Hands down, my best ever and his as well. He said it more than a few times yesterday. It is really no surprise that we eventually got drunk and boned. He apologized for a whole lot. He was wrong to cheat on his gf at the time and I was disgusted with myself. I knew after experiencing a completely amazing night (and morning, in the interest of full disclosure) that we could not be friends or even be around each other. When I told him that yesterday he said, "Well then, why did it happen again in the morning?" Old times’ sake, a final it what you want. I think that shocked him a bit. He knew he was so wrong that he had absolutely no hard feelings for my avoiding him. I think he just missed me. I missed him too but I couldn't go back. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.

We have mad, crazy, fiery passion. On my way to his house I honestly wanted to throw up. When I saw his bff on the front porch, I was relieved to have a buffer. He knows our entire history anyway and he really wasn't around that much. He did walk in at one point when we were talking about Sam's ex and he was like, "why are you two talking about that?" And Sam said, "I've known this girl 10 years and I have nothing to hide from her" He drank beer at the pool and we were there about 3 hours. When we walked back to his house we were all hungry and they were going to bbq so I did have 2 drinks while we cooked and hung out on the deck. It was weird to be in his house again but then also oddly comfortable too. He made a few comments about getting me into bed but other than that he did pretty well.

The final straw was after lunch. It was after many beers for him, his roomie passing out face down on the floor and my 2 drinks down. He looks at me and just says flat out, "I want to kiss you so bad right now" I was a little buzzed and not really thinking and I said, "I'm not scared of you" He was out of his chair and one inch from my face in seconds. I leaned my head back and said "no" but the fire was burning me. He made some comment about how I couldn't handle it and I left very shortly after.

Part of me says I will never find this love, passion or spark again. I know many people who never find what we have. The other part says, been there, done that...many, many times. I do love the shit out of him. I don't know if we really could be friends after spending the day catching up and experiencing sparks and eventually FIRE. Like I said, much has changed. I honestly don't know what he wants. I mean, clearly, he's a man so sex is on the brain but I am pretty sure that is not all he wants. I know I still feel the same way about him that I always have. I guess I know the potential of what he can be and I would expect at least that from him in a relationship, if not more. At this point, he would really have to bring it to convince me that I am what he wants. I am not sure he has that in him. I am going to need the full meal deal and a big neon 'GO' sign to put myself back into it fully. My spirit guides are going to have to lead me directly there if that is my destiny. I am too old to be fuckin' around. I know he loves me. I never doubted that. He didn't love himself back then and I am still not sure that he is ready to allow himself to be happy. He knows me better than most people so we shall see where it goes from here. I feel better having said my peace so if nothing else, it was the closure that I needed.

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