My humble abode

UPDATE: My secret lair is complete! Last Friday my old roomie and I were finally able to pick up my new (to me) furniture donated by my friends, Joe and Laura. Ferg (my new roomie) is a HUGE sports fan. As we are from the STL the decor is mostly Cardinals memorabilia. I have spared you most of that by cutting off the hung pictures. I am not at all a sports fan. Although I am better with looking at memorabilia than I am actually watching sports. So here is my couch and loveseat all in place. I bought the hope chest that is serving as a coffee table on Craig's List back when I was living with CL. I am thinking about actually having glass cut to fit it and making it a real-deal coffee table, complete with inside storage.
Ferg is also a Bills fan. As you can see it looks like pro sports threw up in my livingroom but it is the price you pay for living with a single man, I guess. Check out the Cardinals bobble heads in the window. That is a bar that you see. We don't use it but it looks nice! The rocking chair is an old family heirloom that I love. The blanket on the floor is Bo's make shift bed for when we chill in the living room. The bookshelf is obviously mine...boys don't read, do they?

I took this one from behind the bar. The door on the right is the laundry room. The doorway on the left goes into the hall that takes you to my bathroom and bedroom. I am so happy with how this has all turned out. Now I have a full house of furniture for when I get my own place! Special shout out again to Joe and Laura who have donated most of my recently aquired goods!

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I am finally settled into my new digs. I wanted to post some pictures as a way to document for myself and to let you all see where I live now.

This is my bedroom entrance. It is reallly dark in my lair so my plants are positioned infront of my door as too catch the sun from the upstairs sliding door that is directly across from them. I love the look of the leaves draped over the doorway too. It helps to not get my plant trampled by dogs and kids!

This is my bed complete with the new Goodwill comforter I bought a few weeks ago.
That is my incense fogging things up. I just got the Christmas lights up this weekend. They add a nice glow to the room.

To the left is my clothing armoire, a built in mirror and my jewelery armoire (with the doily-thingy on it). Oh, and Jasper, my bear table that holds my lava lamp. Plus Bo-Bo's cushy bed!

I stood next to my armoire to take this. I have a TV stand, TV and such at the foot of my bed.

I was sitting on the bed to shoot this. The dresser behind the door fits perfectly. It was in the room when I moved in and I needed the storage so Ferg said I could use it. I love how Marilyn is reflecting on the wall because her background is a mirror. The door to the left is my closet. More incense fog from the incense bottle burner on the dresser.

The armoire wall has a built-in mirror with a bulletin board on both ends. I covered up one side with my armoire but you get the point.

This is my hallway bath (it is long and skinny). Art work courtesy of Laura. Oh and the rug too. Thanks to Laura and Joe!

Shower and storage to the right when you walk in.

Toilet and more storage to the left. I stood in the shower to take this. It's a real small space.

I love the storage next to the toilet. It worked perfectly for my little plastic organizers. Wooden toothbrush holder and cup also courtesy of Joe and Laura!

I didn't photograph the living room as it is not to my liking yet. Joe and Laura are also gifting me their spare set of livingroom furniture from their basement. I need to round up 2 men and a truck to pick that up and then I will introduce the livingroom.

In the meantime, I did take a few shots of Bo yesterday as well. Why the long face here? He is getting so grey and with his ears back like that he looks like a scaredy dog.

I layed on the floor to take this shot. He looks utterly bored with me.

That is our humble abode. So far, so good. I am working at accumulating the things that I don't have for when I get my own place. Slowly but surely it is coming together!

Flashback

Warning: This post is heart wrenching. I had to get it out. I do not suggest reading if you aren’t ready for a good cry. (That really makes you want to read it, huh?) Maybe NSFW. (not safe for work)

I can’t shake this feeling so I am going to blog it out. Today is my friend Nichole’s 31st birthday. 10 years ago we celebrated her 21st birthday on January 28th 2000. It was a cold, snowy night. I remember that I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I couldn’t bail on a friend, especially on her 21st birthday. We went to a few bars, none of which were a blast. The anxiety I felt almost made me bail on the night a few times but I continued to push it down and party ahead. On the commute from one bar to another I called my then fiancé to tell him we were leaving one place and going to another. I had NEVER done this before. We got to our final location and I tried with all of my might to have fun. About 45 minutes after arriving I saw my fiancé making his way through the crowded bar with my best guy friend, John at his side. I knew something was terribly wrong. He would NEVER follow me to a bar on girl’s night. The look in John’s eyes confirmed my gut feeling. Chad (the ex) asked us all to step outside. This bar is in a plaza so when you leave the bar you are still in the plaza (sort of like a mall). It was me, my friend Nichole, our friend Meaghan and a girl we worked with. I don’t remember what I said but I know I knew something was not right and I told him to just come out with it. I will never forget his words, “Toni, Leigh is dead”. There was a horn blaring or a siren, something was keeping me from hearing. I made him repeat it over and over again. Each time he said it I watched as John’s face fell further and further. Meaghan had been a friend of Leigh’s since grade school. Nichole had known her since junior high. She was one of all of our very best friends.

I didn’t believe Chad. I just couldn’t accept this information. I told him I wanted to talk to her mom so he dialed the phone and I remember saying “please tell me this isn’t true”. I don’t remember all of her words but she told me that it was true, Leigh was gone. She and Leigh’s dad were already en route to Columbia where Leigh was away at school. She invited/asked me to come needing all of the support she could get. I remember taking Nichole home and making phone calls from her apartment. Meaghan’s husband, Jim, and Chad worked together and were good friends so the 4 of us piled into the car at 2 am and headed to Columbia in a blizzard. I don’t know how long the drive was with the weather. I don’t think we talked. I remember the way the snow fell and visibility being low. There are times now that snow falls in that way and it takes me back instantly to that night. By the time we arrived in Columbia Leigh’s parents had left the hospital and were on their way to her apartment. We met them there. The doors and windows were covered in Leigh’s bubbly handwriting wishing her roommate a happy 21st birthday. The whole house was decorated for the big day, just as Leigh would have done, all out. Her room looked like a bomb had gone off, just like her room at home.

I remember walking in and seeing a pillow behind the headboard and a boa tied to the post and thinking ‘I can’t let her mother see this’. So I nonchalantly walked over to pull it down and Leigh’s mom says “I saw it already, that’s my girl”. We were all in such shock, standing there discussing what she should be buried in. I will never forget her mom walking into her closet, pulling on her robe and just burying her face in it to smell her. We found our friend Julie’s birthday present wrapped and ready to go, which was very unlike Leigh. There were so many memories scattered across the floor of that room I just couldn’t concentrate. We decided on burying her in her overalls, her absolute favorite thing to wear. It was so hard to do but looking back I cannot imagine things being any other way.

I don’t remember the ride home…or the next 3 days. I know John came to sit with me the next day while Chad worked. He told me later that I didn’t say a word for the entire 9 hours he sat with me. I didn’t cry. I just stared into space, no TV and no radio; just silence. I remember on day 2 I got flowers from my best friend in Colorado. She was torn she could not be with me. Because Leigh and I had lived together and were very good friends, all of my friends knew her. The flowers had a pink tool bow (Leigh loved tool) and I think that was my very first good cry. I went to meet the minister at Leigh’s parent’s house as requested. I lived in that house, with her. It was hard to go back. It was hard to talk about who and what Leigh was in life knowing I would have to go on without her. It was even harder to go through pictures and make poster boards for the funeral. There were so many memories there.

I am honestly not sure how I made it through all of this. I think that life gives you the memory of what you need to get through it but takes that which would kill you. Leigh’s funeral was my first time as a pall bearer. Hopefully it is my last. Her funeral was truly a celebration of her life. Her mom put down the rug from her bedroom in front of the casket. Her comforter from home surrounded her. There were lava lamps, photos and even her stereo and cd’s in the back room for everyone to place their favorite music in her memory. I don’t know why but I remember her boobs looked huge and her mom and I discussing it as others were waiting to pay their respects. (Sometimes you have to find something to laugh about and Leigh would have loved how large her breasts looked, even in death) I remember her strong military brother saluting her casket as he broke down crying. I remember Joanne choking out the eulogy I could not speak at the time. I remember her sorority sisters lining the walk and singing their sorority song as her casket was carried by. I remember my dad being so affected that he could not come to the wake and missing the funeral. I was devastated. And then the church doors opened and he was standing outside by himself waiting at her gravesite. I remember my 6 foot + giant of a friend almost crumbling with grief as he carried our girl to her final spot. I remember kissing her casket at the end of the service and feeling like Leigh was standing right beside me letting me know she was not in there.

The thing I remember most about the funeral: Leigh’s mom embracing the boy who was driving the car, in front of all of us, and telling him it was not his fault. He was with his parents. His face was still cut and bruised. He looked over when the impact hit Leigh’s side of the car and was blinded in his right eye by glass shards. He had horrible guilt. I remember her telling him that this was just Leigh’s time to go. God had called her home, she had a greater purpose with him and he couldn’t let guilt take him over. I was amazed then and I am still amazed today that a grieving mother could handle things as well as she did. How many people could step back and celebrate their daughter’s life and legacy in such a way so soon after her death? I KNOW Leigh’s mom’s reaction helped me to let it go as well. She was and still is today a huge source of inspiration on who and what I want to be when I grow up.

Most of the time I can look back on Leigh and remember her life, her amazing spirit and the goodness and love she brought to my life. I don’t’ know if it is Nichole’s birthday celebration tonight, the predicted snow or the 10 year anniversary of her death looming in 3 days but today feels like the day I lost her all over again. It is cutting my gut and I can’t breathe. I promise to do a tribute and a much more positive post for Leigh in the coming days.

Here we are on my 21st birthday, just 2 months before she died.

UPDATE 1/26/10: I just read back through this and my editing skills are seeing so much lacking for the reader. I was really just in such need to get it out. To make it all make sense I should have probably mentioned that Leigh died in a car accident. It was her roommate's 21st birthday. They went out that night with a sober driver who happened to be the birthday girl's boyfriend. They hit a patch of ice at an intersection and went into a spin. The Suburban they were driving came to a rest on a cement light post, directly where Leigh was sitting in the front seat. Her lifelong bestfriend, Jennifer, was in the backseat. They had actually flipped a coin to see who would sit up front. Jennifer had to crawl over her to get out of the car because the passenger seat pinned her in. She told me one time, the day we ment the minister, what happened that night as she remembered it and we never spoke of it agan. I still wonder how Leigh's mom got them to tell her over the phone that Leigh had died. That is just something they never do. I asked her about it once and she told me that someday she would share that but it was just too raw at the time. To this day I find it a bit ironic that Leigh was terrified of motorcycles and she was killed in a Suburban.

I feel much better today than yesterday. Writing (and rereading)this post really helped. I did go out for Nichole's birthday last night despite the snow. The whole way home was that crazy blizzard-type snow that takes me back. It wasn't until I got home and settled into bed that I realized how peaceful and sirene my drive home had been with that snow. I didn't listen to the radio. I just had this beautiful and comfortable silence. The kind you can only have with the best of friends.

Who me?

My friend IRL, Emily, tagged me for this bit of random funness! Her sister, Anna, was a grade school friend of mine. I don’t know why that is important other than that Anna tagged Emily who tagged me. Anyhoo, the point of this "award" is to list 5 random things about you. Since they are random, they are also in random order.

1. I am cheap. Super, uber, unbelievably cheap. I come from a low income household where my dad was frequently laid off when I was a kid. We took a calculator to the grocery store and made a game of who could guess the total to the closest penny. For this reason I don’t buy anything at full price. Standard mark-up on retail items is somewhere between 100% and 500%. I am a clearance buyer. I don’t even look at full priced items. All of my clothes are from thrift stores or handed down from friends who enjoy spending too much on fine fashion. Even when I am gifted money or gift certificates, I am cheap. I always get the most for my money. I hate it when people buy me extravagant things because I won’t buy them myself. I will admit, I return them. I once got a $300 cashmere cardigan from Banana Republic. I couldn’t buy groceries at the time and could not justify keeping something like that. This past Christmas my dad spent $65 at New York and Co. on a velour track suit. I returned it but they would only give me store credit. I spent the store credit but had so much anxiety about spending that much on clothes that I returned them for store credit again. Then I took my highfalutin (not really) attorney sister with me so she could spend it and give me cash. See, I AM CHEAP!

2. I am fiercely independent. I was a strong willed child and pre-teen. I left my parent’s house at 16 years old. By my senior year of high school I was working full time, going to high school and dual enrolled in college. I supported myself and my ex fiancé (he wasn’t great at that thing we call WORK). When I left him at 21 I got my first apartment on my own and loved it. I have had roommates, lived with CL and I still cannot depend on another person. I CANNOT. My mom raised me to always be able to take care of myself. I have never let my guard down and let someone take care of me. My independence is a huge part of who I am. It sometimes makes me judge others who weren’t raised with that sense of self worth. It makes dependent or co-dependent people seem weak and insufficient to me. Although I sometimes feel like my independence is a weakness as well. Let’s face it, most men need to be needed and I was raised to never need anyone. For all of these reasons, I also have a really hard time asking for help when I need it. You see my problem, I am sure.

3. I was born and raised in the Midwest. I currently live less than 20 minutes from the house that I grew up in. While the town I live in is very large and has many different areas or pockets, I know someone in all of them. I have many friendships that span more than ½ of my life. I don’t know what it is to be the odd man out or walk into a room not knowing anyone. I know someone almost everywhere I go. I frequently run into friends of friends or circles of people who know many of the same people that I do. There is not much anonymity in my life but I also don’t have to explain the players or the history to most of my friends because they already know. I feel very lucky to have so many great people in my life for so long.

4. I have ZERO patience. This is something that I have worked on for years with little progress. I hate waiting. I cannot stand being ignored. Most children will strip me of what little patience I possess within moments of entering a room. Old, slow and confused people also annoy me. I know they shouldn’t and I should be nicer but I can’t and most times I don’t even care. I hate traffic, people who get in my way and inconsiderate people that also cause me to lose what precious little patience I do have.

5. I am looking forward from here on out. I have experienced so much in my life. I have done a lot of self evaluation in the past few months. I have looked back at situations where I could have done better and identified my wrongs. I have made amends. I have forgiven. I have asked forgiveness. I have started anew. I have no interest in looking back. I will still reflect on the past in my blog more as a way to catalog events than to dwell on what was, is or should have been. My life is about making new opportunities, meeting new challenges, finding new and interesting people to explore and continuing to love and appreciate the people who have always been there.

My job now is to tag 2 other bloggers. I choose 2 bloggers that I don’t know IRL in hopes that I will learn something new about them:

Symphonic Discord- any or all of you:-) I always learn so much from your blog.

Real Live Lesbian- because you funny and your bloggy group is super cool. Translation: Most of the blogs I follow I found through you!

Got books? I DO!

Just a little update on school and the craziness that is my life. I got so much done last night and I have a huge sense of accomplishment today. I went to school right after work which was 3:30. The earlier time made it much easier to get information. First I went to financial aid to verify that the only thing I am waiting on is for them to review my transcripts. After that I can complete my financial aid paperwork. There should be no issue with funds just the question of them letting me have credit for my 1 class from years ago. If there is money left over from my grant for books I will be reimbursed for what I paid out of pocket. The financial aid secretary was awesome at explaining things and there are so few people like her these days I was extremely grateful. She suggested I apply for a $100 scholarship to help with books so I did and I GOT IT! My books would have been $250 but instead I paid $150. This very helpful secretary also pointed out that I was being charged out-of-district fees for classes taking more fund from my grant and therefore leaving me saddled with the cost of books. I went to registration and found that the issue was that I originally applied for school from CL's address in another county. I explained that I lived there briefly (I might have fudged the time-line) but prior to that I did live in the school district for 5 years or longer. Thankfully my license, checks and just about everything shows that old address so she copied my license and check for proof and adjusted my tuition accordingly. It was almost a $400 difference! Hopefully with that change I will have enough left over for books to be reimbursed.

I also found out from this very helpful woman that my pell grant was issued for the year, not the semester. So the amount I was given was broken in half to pay for both semesters. This means that next semester will also be free! That was the best news EVER! I went to the bookstore and got my books. I have one class that will not start until April so I did not get that book yet as hopefully my grant funds will come through soon and I can buy it with my left over money. I am also wondering if there is anything left over from my grant, where does that money go? Could I use it for summer classes? That is on my list of my next batch of questions. I start classes tomorrow morning at 8! I still have to work out financial aid but I am confident after talking to the best secretary ever that all will be ok.

After school last night I went to get my oil changed, picked up a prescription and got dinner before going home to watch my Thursday shows. I love Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice! I felt really good that I got so much done and I am looking forward to tomorrow. This is the first step towards a brighter future and I absolutely cannot wait!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I have been waiting to write this post because things have been so up in the air. I started my quest to go back to school about 2 months ago. I applied for and was awarded a grant. I applied for school. I submitted my transcripts. This has all been a slow process with not great communication from the school but I am dealing with it. Early this month I finally decided on a major. It took a lot of soul searching and talking with friends but I have decided on Criminal Justice. The goal is to work as an advocate for kids. I thought about a Human Services degree but that is more for social work and I honestly cannot see myself doing that. I have definitely decided not to do the court reporting program because although it would be a good career and pay well it just doesn’t satisfy all of my needs for a job. I went to school 2 weeks ago to change my major and register for classes. I was informed at that time that my high school transcripts were not the correct form. Again, I had to resend the proper information and wait for them to get back to me. I went back to school after my high school transcripts were in to register for classes. I was informed that they also needed a transcript from the local community college where I took 1 class 13 years ago while in high school. They had not mentioned this before when talking transcripts so I was frustrated. We are now less than 2 weeks from my classes starting. I.broke.down.crying! I have this annoying habit of flipping my lid or crying when my stress level goes off the chart. Neither is attractive behavior but I preferred to cry to my school advisor than to tell her what a bunch of incompetent fucktards work for this-here higher learning institution. They do at least let me register for my classes at this point so my spot is held. It could have been the tears but who can be sure?

I contacted the other college and they were in their first week of classes. The records woman suggested I submit my request via fax and said she would mail it the next day. I could pick it up but she had a line down the hall so it would take some time and I would wait hours at my own school to submit it as well. I did as she asked and sent the fax. She mailed the transcript last Friday. Monday was MLK Day and school was close plus no mail. Tuesday they didn’t have it yet. It might be in their huge pile of mail but no one knows. I am starting to think I should have taken a day off work, drove to the old school, waited hours, drove back to my school, waited more hours. It is neither really here nor there at this point. Yesterday (Wednesday) I finally get word that they have my transcript. I immediately plan to hightail it up to school after work at 6pm (of course it’s my 1 late night that they get it) to finish up my financial aid and get my books for my class starting in 3 days. I get to advising. I wait another hour and a half for them to tell me that I actually have to fill out a Request to View Transcripts. My advisor has to sign off, then I turn that in to registration and they will let me know via mail, snail mail. Can you feel my blood starting to boil? This has not been an easy process for 1 second. I am dumbfounded but I take the damn request to registration and the woman informs me I will get a response in the mail. I tell her that I am supposed to start classes Saturday. What do I do about financial aid? What about books? Can I even start? She says, “I don’t know, Chile, I just take your forms”. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I called financial aid this morning after having a come-to-Jesus with myself last night. If I can’t start school this semester it was not meant to be. I have a grant now that I won’t have later but free or not; I want an education. If I can’t start this semester I will apply for summer, get a 2nd job and chill. I was literally starting to go mad so this little talk with myself was necessary. I spoke to financial aid this morning. I applied for an extension on financial aid funds. I can attend class Saturday. I have to purchase my books and wait for reimbursement but it that is the worst of the news, I will take it! I am so relieved but also freaking out a little now. If for some reason my financial aid does not come through they will take ½ of my tuition out of my account by February 5th. It’s not there so let’s hope all goes well with financial aid. LOL (if I don’t laugh I might just cry!)I am a college student! I don’t feel official as I don’t have a student ID yet but I am official. This is all very exciting (pending funds;-)).

My schedule this semester will be light as it is my first time in a classroom in 13, almost 14 years. Damn, that makes me seem really old. My classes are on Saturday. I am taking College Comp 1 and 2 as accelerated courses. Class is from 8-12 every Saturday. The first 2 months of the semester is Comp 1 the 2nd 2 months is Comp 2. That knocks out 6 credit hours. I am also taking Communication from 12:30-3pm on Saturday for a total of 9 credit hours. It will make for a long week but my evenings and Sundays will be free for homework. Plus I won’t have to rush around after work to get home and let the dog out. Some of the week night classes are almost 4 hours as well but they aren’t accelerated. Or I can go 2 nights a week for an hour and a half but that seems stupid. I like the idea of knocking it all out in one day. I am going to go back up there tonight to purchase my books and check in with financial aid at least. I never know if the people I am talking to are giving me correct information so it is always good to speak to more than 1 person. I am unsure if they will let me use my 1 class from years ago. It was psychology which I am required to take for my major so it would be nice to skip it as I took it in high school and college already but we will see. I am super stoked. I know this is not going to be the easiest road but I am looking forward to getting started. I am excited to learn for the first time in a very long time so wish me luck! I will keep you posted.

Wordless Wednesday- Sweet Jesus

NO H8

Last night my sister and I went to the local lesbian bar where they were doing a photo shoot for the No H8 campaign in St. Louis. No H8 was born out of necessity and in direct contrast to The Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) (it is important to know what and who we are up against) which was created by the churchies as a way to defend "traditional marriage". You know, like Brittney's 55 hour hook-up, Tiger's sacred union, Liz Taylor's 8 marriages...you get my point. I feel like when we say we are all created equal we should back that up. There is no loophole that says we are all equal UNLESS you sleep with the same sex. You can read the entire story of the No H8 campaign by clicking on the link. I love the idea of it. Basically they take individual or group photos of you in a v-neck t-shirt with electrical tape over your mouth and a No H8 tattoo on your face. I have been wanting to attend a photo shoot for some time but the timing never worked out for me. Yesterday it did and I am really glad I went. The official campaign photo is taken with a white background. I will have a copy eventually but I certainly did my own amatuer photography in the meantime.

Here I am in all of my glory.
My sister wearing dad's dog tags. He would just love that.
Sissy and me

Mighty fine self portrait if I do say so myself.

My luva Kris and his gorgeous dimples!

My sister and her friend that works at NP's where the photo shoot was held.

Jim the bartender

Me and Dan, yet anotha gay luva;-) Interesting fact, he used to date my gay hubby.

Nancy Novak and Dan. Nancy owns Novak's, NP's and Bar 5 the 3 biggest lesbian bars in St. Louis. Probably the biggest gay bars but who am I to say?

My sis and her buddy, I can't recall her name but she was a doll

Now we are getting drunk, as I let them write on my face with SHARPIE! Aren't we cute though?

My very favorite Queen, Dieta Pepsi

Nancy and me. Pretty sure she slipped me the tongue.

Zac is a co-worker of my sister-in-law. He might think we are crazy. He might be right.

The obligatory self portrait!

I am proud of St. Louis. Our mayor came to have his photo taken and was quoted in the local newspaper saying: "We all really are more alike than we are different," Slay said. "We have to be more accepting as a community." He said that differences in ethnicity, religion, talent and sexual preference are things that should be celebrated, not divisive. I love that we have elected officials who finally feel like I do. I am proud that so many gay people and their family and friends came out to support this project. I am proud that I could attend with my very own gay sister and run into so many great people of the community on a Sunday night. I had a little bit too much to drink. Thank the Baby Jesus I was off for MLK day today as I didn't drag myself home until almost 4am. I might have kissed a ton of lesbians, gay boys and a drag queen but I had a fantastic time. I donated to a great cause and I was a part of something bigger than even I comprehend at this moment.

P.S. Hubby did my hair on Saturday and it is just absolutely fabulous. Loving the new color!