“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”

I believe the universe is a very powerful thing. I believe in negative and positive energy and karma. I have experienced all of these things with such distinction that I don’t just think they exist, I know. There have been very few times in my life that I have asked for a sign that things are on the right path. When I do, I need feedback and most of the time…I get it. This time was no exception.

This past Saturday was the funeral for one of Dan’s co-workers. Last week was a doozie on death for us. The dirt nap theory was in full affect. If you haven’t heard of this phenomenon before, basically the theory goes that when one person connected to you dies, there are 2 more to come. It is really a very negative, doom-and-gloom attitude if you ask me but no one did. So Dan’s co-worker goes into the hospital with an infection on Monday and they diagnose pneumonia. He died 12 hours later at the age of 42. My sister’s wife’s step-mother (did you follow that?) was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and she died last Tuesday at the age of 43. Then I talked to my friend Brandi later in the week and she tells me that her 45 year old cousin also died on Tuesday. His heart just exploded in his chest. That is 3 in 1 week which I personally have not experienced before and hope never again to. On top of that they were all 45 and under.

Back to my original reason for posting though, so I arrive at the St. Charles Memorial Gardens about 20 minutes early. Dan is on the honor guard so I knew he won’t really have time to chat and he wouldn’t be able to sit with me so I was in no hurry to sit down in the chapel. Since I had a few minutes I went to visit Leigh’s gravesite which is conveniently located at the front of the memorial gardens. For some reason ever since Leigh died when I go to her gravesite I always lay down with her. Maybe it comes from years of living together and sharing a bed. I don’t know but I feel enormous peace when I lay down next to her and gaze up between the 2 trees that shade her spot. I am a frequent cemetery visitor and I am known to blast Bob Marley or Whitney Houston if the mood strikes me. So this particular Saturday morning, I went about my usual activities. I clean off her headstone which is a beautiful gold butterfly. There were grass clippings all over the place, including but not limited to, the flowers and décor. If you knew Leigh, you know that even her gravesite must have flair. So I lay down in my spot and look up between the trees and just kind of let go of the past few weeks. My doubt, insecurity, self-pity and anger had to be put down and I knew it. I rarely do this but I asked her for a sign. I know that I am on the right path but everyone has a certain amount of doubt, even if just a tiny morsel. I had doubted myself for a minute so I had to rethink the decisions I made and allow my self to consider the possibility that I made a wrong turn. So I put it out there to Leigh that I could really use a sign. In the past when I have done this (only twice) both times I have not only gotten my sign but an incredible feeling of, how do I describe this?, it’s peace but more. Definitely love but…heavenly maybe? I will call it my perfect feeling, like all is right with the world. As soon as the request came out of my mouth I started my inner dialog about not expecting things and not to be disappointed if I didn’t get what I was looking for. At that moment, I am not kidding you; a huge rainbow appeared between the 2 trees in my perfect view. A freaking rainbow! I mean if that was not my sign I don’t know what else could have been! And again that feeling of all being right with the world really helps. I sent a big fat thank you to the heavens and went to find a seat.

I endured what was a very sad funeral by my self. Dan had to stand on the sidelines with the rest of the honor guard. We walked to the gravesite, the hearse, an ambulance, 75 uniform personnel, then a fire truck and then the 100+ attendees of the funeral behind that. I am sure it was an amazing site. Dan was on the flag folding team. I can’t imagine folding a flag that drapes my friends’ casket and the feeling both honor and sadness. After Dan’s duties as flag folder where done he was standing off by himself about 15 feet from me so I worked my way over to stand with him. Here is tiny little me in a sea of blue uniforms. I normally do terribly at funerals, even of people I do not know. I was very proud of myself and I know most of it was the surge of strength that my girl had just recharged but I made it until the very end without falling apart. I felt like I really needed to be there for Dan and I was actually able to do that so I was happy. My downfall did come eventually. Since I felt the pain of it, I will pass it along to you too.

There is a distinct siren that sounds at the ambulance house when they have an emergency call. They brought a St. Charles County Ambulance District radio out to the gravesite which was back by the lake at the memorial gardens. On the opposite side of the lake working ambulance personnel who were not currently out on calls had parked their ambulances and were observing the service from a far incase they got a call and had to go. So they sound the alarm like there is a call and then over the entire county system the dispatcher announces a final call for him; listing his date of birth and death along with years of service to the county. Now I made it through the funeral music. I made it through the march to the gravesite. I watched my boyfriend fold his friends’ flag and even endured the bag pipes but the final call was too much. You could hear it not only from the radio but also from the ambulances that were parked across the lake. It was a moment of honor for sure but being in the sea of blue made it worse. Grown, strong men just completely breaking.

After the service Dan wanted to have lunch but he had some duties to accomplish first. I sat with Leigh while he did his work. Her gravesite is literally just outside of the chapel door and sits right by the road. As everyone walked back from the back of the cemetery they had to pass by. Many of Dan’s co-workers stopped to say hello and seemed at first a bit surprised that I had just copped a squat next to a grave. I then felt the need to introduce. I said, “This is my friend, Leigh”. It happened only once with a group of about 7 medics. It was a cloudy and overcast day but as soon as I said “this is my friend, Leigh” the clouds parted and the sun busted down on us. It was like a 2nd sign that I didn’t ask for. I have always said that Leigh was a ray of light. Her headstone says, Our Streak of Joy. Either way, I got my answer and both of those feelings wrapped into one.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true”-----Lyman Frank Baum

“I love you, but I love myself more.” Samantha Jones

I think we all know I have been struggling lately. Moving in with Dan, gaining new friends, losing old ones and settling into this little thing people call being a grown-up. (Insert dramatic huff here) I was the most independent, fun-loving and totally random single girl in the world. I really enjoyed that lifestyle, for many years actually. This whole girlfriend/pseudo stepmom/housekeeper/lover/friend shtick is exhausting. I am stressed about grocery shopping, childcare and household maintenance. My biggest stress as a single girl was who to party with and where. “I say who, I say when I say how much”, was my motto. Don’t get me wrong, I love Dan and although we have had our fair share of pissing contests lately, I know I want to be with him. I also know that a piece of me feels like it has broken off. That could be the loss of 2 of my friends in the past few months. I am coming to terms with the fact that in order to consider yourselves “friends” certain things need to be in place; mutual respect, trust, loyalty, love and consideration top my list. Once people become hateful, deviant frauds there is not much you can do. I think I was expecting Dan to swoop in and save the day when my friends walked out. They blamed him for their exit because they were too phony to admit to their own faults and frankly, their newfound distaste of me. I am realizing now (2 months later) that it was not Dan’s job to save the day. I realize now that I had a completely blown out of proportion expectation there. What Dan did do was talk to me. He did try to talk me off of the ledge on numerous occasions. He tried to defend them even while they attacked him and me. He encouraged me to do what was best for me. He never once suggested what was right or wrong for me. That is really all I could ask for.

Once the light bulb went off, I started to think of other events where my expectations were high; house cleaning, child care, shopping…the above listed stresses. I tried to talk to Dan about expectations a few weeks back and he told me he had none for me. I am not going to lie, that upset me. Here we have moved in together and we are trying to build a life together and he expects nothing? Well, being the deep seeded Scorpio that I am, I did nothing. I didn’t wash a dish, not one load of laundry; I did not lift a finger at home for 1 solid week. So I had a filthy house, stinky dishes, no clean underwear and I was still upset. In my anger I started to think, “Why is this my responsibility?” You know what? It’s not. Dan had his house, his child and his empty refrigerator before I moved in. The only thing that changed was my feeling of obligation. I hate that word. I hate its meaning even more. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to me so it is no wonder that I was becoming resentful of feeling obligated myself. I am not obligated. It is not my job to take care of anyone but me.

So that got me really thinking. Here I am stressing about making sure there is food in the house when Dan would prefer to order Papa John’s every night until the end of time. I am doing laundry, both of ours and matching socks (which I absolutely detest) for what? He has enough uniforms to not wash for over a month. He doesn’t really wear much but work clothes so why am I stressing? I talked to friends who are married and don’t do their husbands laundry. They were like “Girl, why are you washing his shit? Then you will just be obligated to it forever” There is that word again.

I think the childcare stress is really my own fear and/or fear of obligation. I am not a mommy, not even a mommy-type. I have enough trouble getting myself up and to work everyday. I live with a strong fear that I will forget his child. What if I leave her at home and head out to work? What if I forget to pick her up from the babysitter after work? Thank God she is a chatter box so I would never just forget her in the car or anything What if she drives me crazy and I snap like my mother though? So many what ifs. My true issue is I don’t leave things to chance, especially things as important as childcare. But guess what? It’s not my problem. I have offered my help and support and now I have to sit back and let him accept it. I was trying to make all of the arrangements without a proper schedule and getting angry at him for not helping. He should be making arrangements, not me. She is his child, his ex to deal with, and his issue in my opinion. So why the obligation on my part?

The housecleaning issue has been a man/woman war since women went into the work force and were pushed back into the home. Men are just lazy when it comes to things they don’t care about and they don’t care about enough dog hair to make a whole dog building up on kitchen floors. They don’t care about mail piling up for months or even years. They don’t appreciate you spending half of your day cleaning because it didn’t matter to them to start with. When I was single and I cleaned the floor I didn’t expect anyone to be grateful or in awe of me. I also was doing it because I wanted to, not out of obligation. Did you see my aaaaa-haaaa moment? I will not do these things out of obligation anymore. Obligation builds resentment and that is no good. If I feel like drinking with my friends and not doing anything to the house, from now on that is what I will do. I was taking myself and this situation way to seriously.

In the meantime I was resentful of Dan for many reasons. He didn’t acknowledge all of my hard work. He really didn’t seem to notice and/or care. He didn’t jump start into doing more around the house, he actually did less. But you know what? As soon as I did nothing, Dan did dishes. As soon as I stopped doing laundry, he started. I haven’t mentioned childcare and I am not going to. I trust that he will let me know if he needs my help and if not, I have plenty to keep me busy. I guess the moral of this here story is that here I was trying to make our life together perfect. I thought we needed to lean on one another to be a team. What I lost sight of were the 2 extremely independent people that came into this relationship. I was molding myself into something different, asking him for things that I never had and depending on him to give me an answer. I didn’t like myself so I can’t imagine what Dan thought. I was being all needy and nagging like my mother and I couldn’t stand that. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me. And that, my friends, is what I am getting back to. Me, myself and I. It isn’t selfish to take care of yourself. It is necessary and important. That is not to say that I don’t love Dan, I just love myself more to quote Sex in the City. And I should. Once you don’t love yourself you can’t expect someone else to love you.

“Declare today “sacred time”- off-limits to everyone, unless invited by you. Take care of your personal wants and needs. Say no, graciously but firmly, to others’ demands”----Oprah Winfrey

Rules of engagement…lost in translation

I hate that I am a product of my environment. We all are. No matter how much you say you won’t do things or you will never be like that…in some small way you do. That is not to say that I don’t believe in breaking the cycle and being better because I absolutely do. I also believe there are some things that are just ingrained into us so much that we don’t even realize it.

I remember past relationships that I was in where I became part of the other person’s family and immediately realized that if they weren’t AS messed up as my family, they were running a close 2nd. Every family has their traditions. I once attended a Christmas celebration that was complete with a cross cake and ended with candles and singing happy birthday to Jesus. I am not a religious person although I respect others beliefs. I gotta tell you, nothing in this world has ever made me want to put my running shoes on and get the hell out of dodge more than that singular moment. I was engaged to this man…and I knew in my heart there was no way I could legally enter into that family. That was not the only thing that I found to be strange behavior but it topped the list. I also dated someone, who I am coincidentally still friends with, whose parents used to decorate their house every Christmas like the Grizwold’s lived there. It was a sight to see but again…a giant red flag to me. Then there was the entire immediate family of ex cons. Great people but a bit scarey non-the-less.

These may seem like small and petty differences to you but they were things that made me go hmmmm. Do people look at my dysfunctional family and think how crazy we are? Damn right they do. My parents could not be in the same room together for all of the 1980’s. They had very distinct rules of engagement. My dad was a shut down/tune out king. Once he was done, he was done and there was nothing you could do about it. My mother would stand in front of the television screaming and he would appear to be watching it right through her. Mama would say anything and everything hateful just to get his attention, which somehow always surprised her when she did and he went CRAZY on her. This went on for years. My mom was a thrower too. In fits of rage she was well known to pick up the closest, usually heaviest object, within arms reach and chuck it. Sometimes a person was the target, sometimes a place but most times I think she just wanted to fucking chuck something.

Over at my best friend Manda’s house things were way different. Her parents actually kissed each other when they came home (yuck!). They went out together and had fun because they wanted to (say what? Why?). They spoke with respect and never raised their voices. I can honestly say in 30 years of knowing them I have never heard them fight. I know they disagreed. I remember specific instances but never a raised voice or hand…ever. They are still one of the best examples of a loving couple that I think I will ever have the pleasure of knowing personally.

When I moved in with Leigh and her parents the Gramlich’s were great examples of family life and love. I had never had a family dinner without yelling, screaming, throwing and taking sides at my house. I had not seen a man support his wife in my own home. Everything at my house was a battle. But at the Gramlich’s you could feel love and acceptance all of the time. Leigh was one of the most loved children on this planet and she knew it. She used to say all of the time how grateful she was for her parents and her life. She knew what she had was good, maybe because she saw the other side of life through mine and Joan’s eyes. She always recognized and appreciated her influences and so did I.

In my past relationships the rules of engagement for fighting were established early and usually by me. I had a tendency to date weak men who let me boss them around. I am not proud of it but it is fact. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, for both of us it never worked out. I strongly believe that if it had I would have turned out just like my parents. Dating many people over a few year span made me realize how differently all people are brought up. No wonder it is hard for 2 people to become one when they have all of this baggage of right and wrong/good and evil leftover in their heads from their parents.

It is amazing to me how many things can get lost in translation. I can say one thing but Dan hears something completely different. It happens in the reverse as well so I totally get it. Dan was raised in a house with 2 extremely passive parents. I, clearly, had a different experience. There were no arguments in Dan’s house. That is all there was in mine. It was world war (insert number here) or it was a ghost town. Sometimes you would come home and wonder, “is this the calm before the storm or did I just miss the explosion?” I DO NOT want to be like my parents. In fact, I flat out refuse to give into their rules of engagement. However, I don’t think Dan’s example was a whole lot better. He will be the first to tell you that it stunted his emotional growth by never talking about things. There was no problem, therefore there was no resolution. His parents divorced after 31 years of marriage and never really talked about it. I am not doomed to repeat history. At the same time it is a son-of-a-bitch trying to break that which is the “normal” cycle to you. Thank God my “normal” was sprinkled with a little Theilig/Gramlich love!

I find that when I can calm down and come from a positive place, Dan hears me much better. Maybe the better word is listens and then understands. His family did it their way, mine did it theirs. Neither of them was right. Both situations ended in bitter divorces and lots O anger. It is one of the hardest challenges of my life to break the cycle and rewrite the rules. I recently made the connection that Dan is very much like my dad in his style of shut down/shut out until he is ready and this makes me so angry. I can see now why my mom acted like a crazy woman. I don't condone her behavior but I now know the frustration of being ignored. My dad shut down out of spite and hate and I have to remind myself that is not why Dan does it. In his house you carefully thought out and executed the sharing of your feelings. In my house you verbally vomited all that was in your head and appologized later, if neccessary. Although we both know these behaviors do not work, or certainly did not work for our parents, we continue to revert back to them in times of crisis. Relationships are so hard! I think we are on the path to understanding...finally. It is a long road to finding rules of engagement that work for both of you and then sticking to them.

I have been really down on this thought process for the past few days, maybe even weeks. I really just needed to purge it out there to the blogging world. Dan and I fight, as all couples do, and sometimes I don’t know how to solve it. Between my anger and his not understanding me, sometimes I just want to give up. I don’t really want to but you know what I mean. We have all been there. Frustrated to the max! I know we are not the first couple or the last to have this problem. My friends reiterate that to me often. The desire is there for me to change myself and I know Dan does not wish to have a relationship like the example that he grew up with. I believe that together we can make this different. We can write our own rules. 2 days ago I was about ready to give up and I realize now that it was my willingness to just accept defeat that was keeping me from seeing that there is always a resolution. There is always a new path to take. It is just a matter of continuing to navigate or try that makes the difference.

I have unloaded a lot lately on my peeps and the blog world. I want to thank you, my girls, my original loves. I don’t know what I would do without the support of all of you. I am truly blessed with so many deep and meaningful friendships. I may not see you for months but when we meet again we will pick up right were we left off…both of us feeling as if the weight of the world has been lifted off of our shoulders as we part, just from having spent that time together.. I love you all and I am so grateful to have you in my life. Happy weekend to all!

Men are from Mars...

While having a bit of food and lots more drink on Friday with some girlfriends I was relieved to find that I am not the only one that does not understand the male species. Many people from my past would tell you that I am a man-hater. I actually just received that insult again recently from someone who didn’t know me years ago and still does not know me today. I am going back 30 years to find the root of this issue and you all know how I feel about blaming your parents at 30 so please understand that is not what this is about.

As a child, my mother could not depend on my father. Her response to this was to condition her children to NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN. I can’t tell you how many countless times she told us to depend on ourselves and ourselves alone because you cannot ever trust a man. He will disappoint you every time if you give him the chance. You can see how I earned the title of man-hater at a young age. I witnessed my father’s infidelity as well as his lack of concern for his family just as much as she did. I saw that we sacrificed so his needs could be met, just as she accused. Admittedly, he was not a good role model for fatherhood or being a good husband.

For many years I did live by my mother’s philosophy. I never truly gave my most serious relationships a chance because I never put my trust into them. I remember trying to put myself out there very few times and each time being disappointed, just like my mom said I would be. My years of being single by choice arose from the need to shed the scars of my past to move on to a future that I wanted. I did not wish to never trust in or believe in any man. I did not want to live the rest of my life with her anger. I don’t blame my mom, I know she did what she felt was best at the time. I understand that she did truly believe what she said and she just may still be angry enough to mean it today. She thought she was doing my sister and me a favor but letting us in on a secret that it took her years to learn.

So this past Friday, the girls and I were discussing over dinner how communication between the sexes is so hard. Why are men so sensitive? Why can’t they take any sort of criticism without becoming defensive and rude at times? Why can’t we just vent to them as we can to our girls without them feeling like they need to “fix it”? Why is it that we can say specifically what we need and still not get it? Why do they feel the need to shut down to deal with their feelings? I have been reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus off and on since moving in with Dan. I am not going to lie; there have been many times recently that being a lesbian makes perfect sense to me. At least you are speaking the same language from the same fucking planet!

It is funny that I didn’t know 2 of the girls at the table until that night but we all just fell in line immediately. We could relate and we wanted to hear one another. There was a support in this circle of women that I have not felt in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends that I vent to daily but there is something about gathering a group of women, some great friends, some good and a few who don’t know each other at all and have such an open and honest discussion. We had a few new mommies, a few experienced moms and a few non-mommies. My struggle of just having moved in with Dan and adjusting to that was just as accepted and talked about as their 2 am feedings and what diapers to use. It was so nice to be heard and to hear others that feel the same as you do.

Robin Gramlich told Leigh and I years ago something that will stick with me forever; she said you can marry the man of your dreams and have everything your heart desires but you will always need your girlfriends. They will be there when your husband can’t (like when he chooses to run away like a big FAT sissy). They will pick you up when you are down and hear you when you just need someone to listen. She told us to always value our girlfriends and the bonds that we have built with them. Your husband/boyfriend/significant other can never replace your bestest girlfriends. She was right. A true friend will be there for you to listen and help you understand. If that cannot be done, she will buy the drinks and drive you home. LOL! Thanks to all of my girls! You know who you are;-)

Just to clarify, I do not hate men. I never did. I did not have the greatest example of what a husband and father should be. I don’t want to sound as if I am bashing my dad either. I am a daddy’s girl and I know he also did the best that he could. I can only hope in the future that my best is better than theirs was. I hope that I choose a man who is a true example of what a husband and father should be. I can sure look at some of my friends husbands and take notes on the qualities that I do like (very few that I don’t like but important to note as well). I can look at my friend’s fathers also as a great example. Paul Gramlich, Ed Gittemeier and Paul Theilig are just a few examples of excellent husbands and fathers that I have had the pleasure of having in my life. I am so grateful for them and their influence. Grateful that they have shown me that not all men turn out the way my momma said.

Happy Monday to all!

A few quotable quotes from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

John Gray Author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Biggest fish, worst injury and a damn good time in KY

Memorial Weekend….Ahhhh, a time to reflect and be thankful for those who gave their lives for our freedom. Translated to the American version, a holiday for drinking and driving, river/lake stupidity and all around fuckery. I do believe that I scored 2 out of 3. Dan and I hit the road Friday afternoon to head out to Kentucky Lake. I am not going to lie; I was not all that excited to be camping with Dan’s dad, stepmom, uncle and aunt. Frankly, I would not go on a 3 day camping trip with my own family so I see no reason to do it with his but I digress. I agreed long ago and I was not going to back out. The drive was only about 4 hours and we changed roads a lot which Dan and I have decided is what cuts up a trip. If you have ever driven Hwy 70 from STL to Denver you know how long and boring Kansas is. We believe that is partly due to the fact that you are going down Hwy 70 for 600 miles or so. Any little change becomes exciting at that point. I will never forget last summer driving to Colorado for vaca, after hours of silence between us, all of a sudden Dan says, “Look, babe, there’s lightening”! He was so excited to have something new to look at!

Anyhow, you get the point…the drive was short. We hauled Dan’s aunt and uncle’s boat which brought on the lol’s. Dan was concerned about my driving his big truck with a boat and trailer attached. Silly boy, doesn’t he know I was St. Charles born and bread. I can drive anything, pull anything, change oil and rotate tires. My daddy didn’t raise no sissy-girl. So Dan started the weekend impressed with me. I also bought a new 75 gallon cooler with a handle and wheels that caused him to shriek like a school girl but we will act like I didn’t include that in my post. We got into camp around 6 and put the boat down at the dock. Then we set up the Taj Mahal (seriously way too much tent for 2 people) and started on dinner. We made a deal that everyone would bring 1 dinner for all 6 of us and then bring your own breakfast and lunch. Our first night was goulash. Now in my family goulash was everything in the fridge warmed up in a pot, served over toast. My dad was a military man and I shit you not, we had that for dinner many a nights after my mom left. This goulash was really roast meat and gravy over noodles. Dinner was excellent as was sitting around the fire enjoying the night. The boys decided Saturday would be their day to fish. I was welcomed to go as I do like to fish but 4 people is a bit too much for the boat. I decided to take one for the team and hang with Dan’s aunt and step-mom. I like Aunt Candy very much. She and Dan’s uncle Fred have really been 2nd parents to him and we are close with them as they live in St. Peters. Dad and stepmom are completely different. Relations are strained with Dan and his dad so I really don’t know them. We have met twice before and both times I found to be extremely strained and awkward.

Saturday started with a bang, the boys left out late to fish because Bass was having a fishing tournament. By the time they left, conversations turned way girly which can be uncomfortable with your boyfriends step mother, if you know what I mean. Aunt Candy and Step mom Anna, could not be more opposite. They drink heavily when they are together which is why I refer to hanging with them as taking one for the team. We went to an indoor pool (oxymoron in my opinion), had a hot shower (really hadn’t planned on that) and went to the grocery store. It was an entire afternoon of not camping at all and I wasn’t very happy. The sun was shining on the lake and all I could think about was how much I was missing out. By 2pm I realized that if you can’t beat them, you join them and I mixed myself up an extra-big-girl-sized vodka and redbull. I was 1 ½ sheets when the boys returned. Dan was well aware of the fact that I would not be the man down again on this little trip. Saturday night we enjoyed my spaghetti for dinner. I cooked the sauce at home and planned to boil the noodles on the fire. The first night the mens proceeded to really fuck up the fire that I got started so after scolding them all, I took over as fire chief. Nothing bothers me more than an ill burning camp fire. So I brought 3 pounds of pasta with no intentions of cooking it all. The men-folk decided we would need every bit of 3 pounds. In their defense, we ran out of noodles for goulash and they had to use bread so I think they were erring on the side of caution but 3 pounds of pasta could feed a family of 10. Again, I digress. There was leftover goulash meat but no noodles so I humored them and cooked all 3 pounds of pasta. Dinner was excellent, albeit 2 pounds of leftover pasta later. We drank and ate so much that no one wanted to play games. We made our Sunday plans to fish and hit the hay early.
Sunday was a 5am start with a spit of rain coming down. Troopers that we are we saddled up and got down to the dock by sunrise. We had rain gear, food and lots of coffee. Who could ask for more? We fished for 5 hours in the rain. I couldn’t pee with my butt hanging over the boat in the middle of the lake in the rain so that made for a bit of discomfort for me but I made do. The last hour the rain was really coming down. I caught a 5 pound white bass and a little baby something, both of which were thrown back. Dan caught some itty bitty guy that didn’t even measure up to my little guy. I was the last one fishing while everyone else tried to huddle under the canopy as to not get even more wet. We were back to camp by noon and it was down pouring. Dan and I got dry clothes on and hid in our tent for an hour or so. After that we joined the family in the RV for drinks and domino’s. That night we grilled brats, knock worst and I had veggie Italian sausage. It was still rainy but not down pouring so we managed. We had a huge pot of beans with dinner, which we cooked on the fire. Our only emergency situation of the weekend went something like this; the beans are on the only level part of the fire, cooking away, we put the brats on a grill topper with ½ of it resting on the bean pot lid and the other half on a log. In order to check the beans we had to lift the grill. When we go in for a stir, Uncle Freddie and I each take a side of the grill and lift and I lift the bean pot lid with my other hand while Dan stirs the VERY hot beans. So the beans are sticking a bit and require some elbow grease. They splatter directly onto my left forearm which is currently doing a balancing act with Freddie to hold the brats up. My other hand has a hot lid in it. We all stand around looking at one another. Dan is the only one that doesn’t have something hot in his hand but clearly his paramedic mind does not register to GET THE BURNING BEANS OFF OF MY SKIN. I drop the hot lid in my right hand and wipe the boiling beans with the hot pad in my hand. Needless to say, my skin sloughs off with the beans and we have our first and only real injury of the trip. Dan also did not bring his medic bag but thank goodness Aunt Candy was prepared. I cleaned and dressed it and got back out there. We rounded out the night with more games and drinks. We were in bed early due to the early rise. The rain on the tent was fantastic, as always. We did experience a bit of moisture in the tent, not a full fledged leak but definite water. Everything was pretty well damp including the sheets, pillows and blankets. Ahhhh, to camp!
Monday was a slow-starter. The fire chief had many issues. The wood was all wet, the ground was also saturated and I had a 3rd degree burn on my arm that really resisted being held over the open fire. I managed to not only light the fire and keep it lit but I also cooked hash browns for breakfast over the campfire. Dan’s dad and stepmom had to head out after breakfast as they had about 7 hours back to South Carolina. After breakfast Dan and Uncle Freddie went to pull the boat out of the lake while I cleaned up our tent which was a hot muddy mess from all of the rain. Side note: I am really glad I am anal about rugs and extra towels on camping trips. They saved our life. By the time the boys got back we could hear thunder in the distance so we worked meticulously to get our tent down quickly. We discovered that a family of brown recluse had set up shop under our tent. One of the big hairy bastards was poised to strike at me but Aunt Candy saved me. HUGE, hairy bastard…no lie. We had just loaded all of the tarps, polls and tent crap in the car when the sky opened and down poured. Thank God I had suggested that we save our only clean dry clothes for after the tent was down and change just before we headed home. So we put on some dry clothes and headed home about 2pm. We managed to get 40 state license plates and 2 Canadian provinces. Not bad for such a short trip. This is a frequent game of ours. While I am on the topic, if you have a license plate cover that blocks your state, kindly remove it. You are hurting fellow travelers when they have to speed up to dangerous speeds to see where the hell you are from. Dan recapped the weekend most excellently on the way home when he said “my baby bought a bomb ass cooler, caught enough fish to feed us, drove the truck with the boat and trailer and took a burn better than most men” I think he was pretty proud of me.
We got back on Sunday about 6 or 7. Dan had to take the boat to Fred and Candy’s while I started laundry and took a much needed shower. Somehow I made it all weekend with no ticks, few bug bites and mostly intact, aside from the burn. Today is Friday and the blister still has not popped (according to my medic bf an open blister is just a breeding ground for infection) so I am keeping it covered until she heals. I got some great pics of the weekend that will be up soon. I hope everyone else had a rockin’ good time doing what you did. Sorry it took half a week to post. I will try to do better next time. Life is crazy lately. Crazy good but crazy.

Queen of Awe-Summm?

This is my first tag by fellow blogger. I take that back, Laura might have tagged me once before but I didn’t get it. I am still not sure I do but I will give it a whirl. Not sure how these links and things will work out and I know nothing about tagging but here goes:

My new role of Queen of Awe-Summm requires me to do the following:
1. List 7 things that make me Awe-Summm
2. Pass the award onto 7 bloggers that I love
3. Tag those bloggers to let them know they are now Queens too (and link back to the Queen who tagged you)

7 Things That Make Me Awe-Summm:
1. My life experiences and the people in them assist me each day to help friends through trying times. I am told that I am a good listener and I give great advice. Now if only I could learn to take my own advice.
2. I am one of the most loyal and honest friends you will ever have. My friendships are one of the biggest and most important investments of my life. I will also make you regret the day you met me if you cross me. It’s a Scorpio thing and I do see it as a positive so it goes on the list of things that make me Awe-summm!
3. I read a book a week, sometime 3 or 4 and I love learning new things. I am a history geek. I love a true story or any story that follows human emotion to a positive place and outcome.
4. I love to cook. I don’t mind laundry. Mowing the lawn and painting are therapeutic for me.
5. I am a fierce advocate for the underdog. I have always been one to stand up and make people take notice of injustice. I will vote/bet on the underdog any day and I usually win when I do. I believe that most people are more successful when faced with adversity than when handed things on a silver platter.
6. I love to go places where I don’t know anyone. I pride myself on making friends and finding “my people” no matter where I go.
7. My spirit and enthusiasm for life have to round out this list. I have an inner determination to make this life everything that I want it to be and more and I know I will succeed. There are frustrating times but I know my goal. I see my path and I won’t ever give up until I am there.

Laura was right. It really isn’t very easy to brag on yourself when we are conditioned not to do that. It was a good feeling though, so thanks!

Okay, so now for the 7 other bloggers that I know are Queens:
1. Anrazel at http://companiontothewind.blogspot.com/
2. Joanne at http://espenshadesescapades.blogspot.com/
3. Flat Foot Floozy at http://flatfootfloosy.blogspot.com/
4. Gina at http://namastebyday.blogspot.com/
I don’t have any other blogger friends for now so this will have to do. Happy Monday to all!

"Gratitude is the best attitude.~Author Unknown

I have had to work very hard lately for a positive attitude. I am not sure why but I feel this magnetic pull down when everything is really looking up. I have been trying to really concentrate on all of the positive things and leave the negative behind. Perhaps that is why all the blogs about accepting change and learning to be happy with what you have. I am very happy with my life. I have been trying to practice The Secret by being grateful for all things and continuing to tell the universe what I want instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. I have been reviewing my blessings this week and I came up with quite a bit.

I have a job. That in itself is HUGE during these hard economic times. I may not be doing everything that I love and more but I have it good. I make a decent salary with insurance and parking paid. (Parking in Clayton could break the bank) I have a super nice office overlooking downtown Clayton. I am learning things at this job that I would not have learned elsewhere. I work for a prominent St. Louis politician and that is a great connection to have. I have met all kinds of state and national elected officials. For the most part I enjoy what I do and the freedom that I have. I am so grateful to not be micro-managed. How would a girl blog all day?

I have a home. Some of you might not appreciate this but for a long time I lived in a place that was not home. I bitched and complained almost daily but if you had asked me at the time what the problem was, I probably could not have told you. I hated my life. The first week of living with Dan I had come home one night and the house was silent. I had an overwhelming sense of relief at the sight, sound (or lack) and smell of HOME! I realized at that moment that is what had been missing all of that time. I am so grateful every single time I walk into my home now.

I have my health, as does most of my family. This is a big one. Most people don’t appreciate good health until it is gone. You hear all the time of people getting Cancer and then finally learning to live because of the threat of dying. I am not a mother but I cannot imagine a sick child. As I thank the universe for my own health, I am also grateful for that of my friends and their children.

I am well fed and I have healthcare. I know both of these things seem small but if you don’t have one or either of them, you know they are not small at all. They are survival. I don’t just eat, I eat well. We have fish, filet and sushi once a week. That is something to be grateful for. Health insurance is something I have been without. It sucks. God forbid you would get sick without it. I am grateful for places like Planned Parenthood that provide healthcare to people that cannot afford it. I have been there.

I have a fantastic support network. My friendships span from 30 years to just a few days old. I appreciate so much the growth and acceptance that comes from long friendships. The history of knowing someone 20 or 30 years is amazing. Without old friends, life would not be the same. New friendships bring new color and pizzazz to life. They bring you new experiences, people, cultures and memories to cherish. “My people”, as I call all of you, are on my list each morning and each night of the things that I am grateful for.

I am in love; for real. After years of the single life, I wasn’t sure that my someone was even out there. I continued to tell the universe what I needed in a man and it delivered last year. I never thought I would appreciate a relationship as much as I appreciated being single. Let’s face it, do what you want, when you want and answer to no one is a pretty good deal. Except…I have all of that still. Dan could care less what I do. He loves my gays (that was a requirement put forth into the universe early on) and encourages me to get out and see my friends all of the time. He works 24 hour shifts so I have plenty of Toni time, lots of friend time and I still manage my SSB (secret single behavior) on the nights he is away. I can’t give thanks for Dan without mentioning Belldisa. Who would have thought that I would love a kid? I mean, this is just crazy talk now.

My family is amazing. Although we sho did put the FUN into dysfunctional, I am proud of all of us. Momma has learned to not be so angry and hateful anymore. Daddy is growing at his own rate (slow but sure). And my sister is an inspiration. She is graduating law school this weekend at the age of 35 (teetering on 36 but we will give her a break). She is married to a woman that she loves and she is embarking on the life that she has been working tirelessly for. This has been her dream since we were little babies and I could not be more proud of her.

I have the best gay boy (friend) circle a girl could ask for. Seriously, these boys got me through break-ups and years of being single. They taught me the fine art of stage/cage dancing, well, them and Leigh-Leigh. They introduced me to all nighters (literally, sun is up and shinning when you stumble out the club), cock rings, dark rooms at the Complex (could have skipped that), cocaine (just being honest) and more love than I ever thought a group of MEN could hold in their pinkies let alone their hearts.

I also have this blog to let loose all of my thoughts, my car; Gia- that I just LOVE, Facebook that gets me through the work day, my dogs, and my dawgs (lol), my unalienable rights as well as the constitutional right to marry (so long as I choose a man….grrr). I am grateful for Barack Obama. I am grateful that gay marriage and gay rights are finally in the forefront of today’s issues. I am grateful for shows like The Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover Home Edition that show me that all of the good is not gone out of this world.

There is never enough you can say about being grateful. I was in a really bad place mentally yesterday and pissy at the world. I went home to clean and knock that not-so-fresh feeling out of my heart. Dan was sick in bed when I got home so I jumped to cleaning. Not gonna lie, I was a wee bit resentful that he wasn’t helping but I digress. I was not going to let it upset me. I turned around a few minutes later (was kickin’ the iPod on full blast) and Dan is not only up but he is scrubbing the shower! He knew I had a lot to do and despite the fact that he felt like hammered shit, he helped me. If that wasn’t enough to love the shit out of him, he does one better. He actually made me laugh out loud in my state of “fuck the world”. I was be bopping long to the iPod, not paying anyone a bit of attention. I am busting out whatever happens to be playing at the time at the top of my lungs. Now I have my ear bugs in so I can’t hear me but Dan sure can. (Can you imagine my tone deafness at full volume?) If I were him, I probably would have gotten pissed (headache and all) and told him to shut-up. Instead, I go into the bathroom to ask him something and I remove an ear bug. Homeboy is singing the song from my iPod! So I say, “honey, are you singing the music from my iPod?” and he’s like “yeah, kinda fun to see if I can stick with the beat not hearing the music”. He sure was following my screeching voice and singing alone. People, I belly laughed. It probably wasn’t that funny but how cute? I just wanted to rip your eyes out (not really but kinda) and now you make me laugh like crazy. Perhaps it was the universes way of reminding me why I love him as much as I do. Anyhoo, I am off work tomorrow. I am spending a weekend of gratitude and family fun in Michigan for the big Law School graduation. I will leave you with this thought for today:

"The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving."----H. U. Westermayer