Crazy or quirky?

I was laughing at myself and some of my “quirks” the other day and Dan suggested some people might think these are the rants of a crazy woman. You be the judge.

Feet- I love my own feet. I love giving myself pedicures. I am one of the few people who do not really enjoy getting a pedicure done by someone else because I feel like I do a better job. I also am not a huge fan of strangers touching my feet. Actually, I am not a fan of anyone but me touching my feet. I have a problem with other people’s feet in a great big unhealthy way. In my previous relationships I told the person as soon as it was an issue for me and they stopped. When I met Dan he was very cuddly at night and I was really used to sleeping alone. He sleeps on his back and I prefer my stomach, which is not conducive to cuddle time. So we would cuddle for a minute and each roll our own separate ways and then one night…it happened. He intentionally extended his leg and put his barefoot right onto mine! I remember waking up that first morning all wiggidied out and asking him why he had his foot, and just his foot, on me all night. He said “well I just like to feel that you are there”. So my heart melted and I couldn’t tell him my foot problem. Over time I got used to his foot always touching mine at night but then he told me he really liked it if the bottoms of our feet touched. I laughed out loud in his face but I am not gonna lie, I tried it and it wasn't so bad. Fast forward a few months and we are watching TV on the couch one day. He is lying down and I am sitting on the end near his feet. He has no socks on and in an effort to get my attention he pinched me with his toes! I finally broke down and told him my foot issues. He couldn’t believe that I had been letting our feet touch all of that time when I had such issues. I really have grown to appreciate a foot reaching out in the night but pinch me with your toes and I’ll cut a bitch. Quirk or crazy?

Killer Trucks- This is an inner demon that I have battled for over a decade. Perhaps I had some sort of traumatic childhood experience involving livestock. Whatever the case, I cannot stand cattle trucks. They make my blood boil. I actually want to run them off the road and/or physically harm their drivers. I will lean down and mouth KILLER to the driver as I am passing by. I call them killer trucks and that is what they are. When I think about the poor breeding conditions, hormone injection, life of confinement and horrible death these animals are dealt I cannot see straight. All goes red. I eat red meat very rarely; mostly burger and filet. I don’t eat pig and I haven’t for years. That comes from my long love of pigs. I consider giving up red meat every time I pass a cattle truck. This past Wednesday I was driving home from work in the fast lane when I spotted the killer truck ahead, in the lane right beside me. I usually speed up, mouth “killer” and get past them far enough to not think about it. I NEVER look inside. So I have executed my strategery and I am reaching the back end of the truck as to slide on by when I see them. Little snouts poking out of the killer truck holes. 3 rows of little snouts and they are a few inches out of the holes so I can’t help but notice. THEY ARE PIGS! Poor little pigs with cute little snouts who are gasping for air because they are 3 deep in this nasty killer truck. I was devastated. I called Dan to talk me down off of the ledge and he told me to take a xanax and relax. I recognized my complete over reaction but I could not help it. I wanted to physically harm the man driving. That is not right. Then I felt guilty because he is just trying to feed his own family; the Future-killer-truck-drivers-of-America. I am pretty sure I am headed to vegetarianism. And now Dan worries about me driving alone.

Moisture- I am fanatical about moisturizer. Moisture is the key to younger looking skin and for some reason that has been stuck in my head since I was 12. At 16 I started using Oil of Olay. My ex roommate used to call it oil of old lady. This is a strange quirk but one that has lasted ½ of my life. I do feel as if I have very healthy skin so I will probably continue with my ritual until I am old and grey. I use baby oil on my entire body after a shower and sometimes I will still lotion after that. I often wonder if other people share my compulsion.

Some other small quirks that deserve honorable mention: Toilet paper- must be over…never under. DON’T ash in the sink, especially if there are ashtrays nearby and NEVER ash in a cup, a glass or on a plate. Small children who act a fool drive me insane. I have been known to start screaming like a wild person myself so they understand how completely stupid they look. I have also been known to throw a leg out and trip a brat. A baby crying is one of the worst sounds in the world to me. I hate it when people open/hang on/leave open the refrigerator door. This comes from my childhood and my mom’s classic “are you cooling the county?” I am fanatical about my plants and candles. Don’t mess with either one. I have a knack for burning candles evenly as to not waste wax and I hate it when people mess with my candle groove. This mostly applies to people who live with me. My sister used to try to water my plants as a favor. It irritated me horribly and when she realized she was killing them she finally stopped.

Now for the things I do that annoy others. My sister hated that I would leave my coffee spoon on the edge of the sink to reuse on my next refill. It always left a coffee ring and it made her crazier than she already was. Sarah’s biggest issue with me was that I am not always the best about replacing the toilet paper. I find it about as important as making your bed…you are just going to get back in it tonight. If I replace the tp today, it will be empty again tomorrow. I have gotten much better about this with age. I frequently do not shut cabinet doors, pantry doors or drawers on dressers after getting something out. I leave caps off of things a lot. This is Dan’s pet peeve and he catches me at least 3x’s a week having left the contact solution cap open. Now he just closes it without saying anything. I have a really hard time getting rid of clothes that still fit and some that don’t. It’s really very stupid considering I buy mostly 2nd hand anyway. I struggle with verbal vomit which is to say that I have a hard time thinking about what I say before it comes spewing out of my mouth. Oddly enough I also have a hard time apologizing for those thoughts as I do mean them in some small way. I am very passionate about my causes, always rooting for the underdog and I have been known to snap when I feel like people are out of line in their conduct or judgment. One of the biggest things that I do that pisses people off is eating! I eat every few hours and if I don’t I will get cranky. I eat what I want when I want and when big girls say “I wish I could do that” I tell them they are more than welcome to the tummy issues that cause the need to eat so much. I also smoke the herb like they are bootlegging it. I mention this because I know it annoys someone, somewhere. Hopefully someday the tummy issues will make a prescription for the herb possible! Oh, I can’t believe I almost forgot this one. I bite my cuticles; all of the time. It could be the smallest piece of skin and I am biting until I get it off. Completely disgusting and unsanitary, I know. That is all I can think of for now. I am sure there is more. I will add them as comments if they are good enough. I am anxious to hear if you all think I am crazy or quirky. I think it is a nice mix of both. Happy Friday to all and happy freakin’ weekend!

License to breed

This might be a fired up post because I am passionate/pissed off about this subject. Most of my friends have kids or plan to have them in the next few years. I try not to judge because I am not a parent myself but I do judge and I am not even a little bit sorry after what I came up with here. There are certain behaviors and actions that I believe should be instilled into every child. This is just my belief and I am sure no one cares but I am putting it out there because I am fired up today. I feel like the world is pretty messed up right now and Lionel Richie was right, the children are our future. So why is it then that some mommies act like whores? They bring home random men, talk badly about baby daddies, mess around with trifling’, nasty married men and wonder why the world doesn’t respect them as single mothers. What a shining example you are for your young daughter. Teach her that she can sell her sorry self to get her bills paid, to get those new shoes or to get where she wants in life. Teach her to depend on a man and when he leaves, to find another to take care of her. Girls need to be taught that you respect other women. You don’t sleep with their husbands, boyfriends or fathers (yep, I went there). They need to be loved at home so they don’t go looking to the streets of the first bum that says he loves them. They need daddies, not sperm donors who may or may not pay for their support. This is a 24/7 job. Not one that can be dropped for men, jewelry, cars or entertainment. Even if you have been left to do it by yourself; you signed up…it’s your job now. Weather you are married, divorced, dating or just sleeping around once you become a mother you make that commitment for life. A lot of women I know don’t know the proper way to maintain a house, a checkbook or a family. How do they intend to pass this along to their daughters and teach them the proper way? I realize they might not have been taught themselves but that is where breaking the cycle and being better than our parents comes into play.

I am almost in more fear for the little boys. It’s no wonder that we already have so many dead beat daddies on the street. If things continue the way they are now, you can expect more. In fact, you can expect the little girls you are raising to have to deal with them. This will be the lot from which they choose their future husbands. Yay! A lot of them have no daddy or male role model. They watch mama let men treat her like shit and that is their example of how to treat a woman from that moment forward. Abusers actually start abusing at a very young age; most of the time their mother is the target. They don’t learn respect for themselves, let alone other people. They are raised to believe that women are objects for mans pleasure and that is how they will treat them. I see little boys hit, kick and spit on their parents (mostly mom’s) who are usually begging them to stop. What happened to beating your children? I am a big believer that a good ole fashioned ass whoopin’ goes a long way. I am not saying spank your kids daily. You know when they have gone too far. Are you afraid they will be mad at you? They might not like you? What if they put their own life in danger, or yours? I beg you to consider what the world will think of them when they are a grown-ass man acting that way. I have dated some of these deadbeats in my time and I blame all of their mothers for what they became…or didn’t.

Everybody wants to be their child’s friend. I feel bad that I can’t give you my time so here is some money or $200 shoes or a $500 phone. Kids don’t know relationships these days. In our day friends were forged during kickball games, on the playground, in the classroom or by some sort of personal interaction. Most children these days can’t form a full sentence because they don’t talk, they text. They also cannot spell because they use abbreviations that are no where near the correct spelling. They cannot write in cursive. They don’t teach cursive in schools in America anymore. No cursive, no signature…and we all sign in print like 2nd graders. Yeah, but we are superior to other countries. Oh, and don’t talk about important issues like race, sexual orientation or gender equality. Just tell them you have 1 black friend and 1 gay friend/relative (I love this one every time) but don’t treat them as friends/relatives. Just call them niggers and faggots behind their backs…because continuing to breed hate is the answer to the hate already building within this child. Teach them they are superior to all others and to demand respect even it they do not give it and have never earned it. Teach them that random sex with strangers is love. You don’t have to have a relationship or care about someone…you are just there to get yours. Teach them to settle for what they get and never try to do better. Don’t try in school. It’s a waste of time. In fact, just go ahead and have a baby so welfare can be the backbone of the entire family.

Mmmmm-kay. So time to take it to the other side and relieve some of the building pressure. I DO have MANY friends who are great parents. I fully believe that those little girls with mommy and daddy at home will know how a woman should be treated and how a man should act towards his wife. She will also know what it is to be a wife and a mother. She will feel loved by both of her parents and therefore not seeking the pseudo affection of some douche bag just trying to get into her pants. This little girl will learn about partnership and mutual respect. She will learn that loving is a decision, not always a feeling or an act. She will learn to take care of a home as her mother (or father) does; with care, love and concern everyday. She will respect herself and others and therefore she will command to be respected in return. She won’t sleep around or neglect her own babies for selfish reasons because she has been shown the way.

The same goes for the mommies of little men that I know. I fully expect to see some of the most amazing husbands and fathers come out of this batch. Again, they have the influence of both parents. They see how dad loves mom and can’t wait to have a wife to love that much someday. They are affectionate, play full, well balanced kids. Their mommies are their lives and vice versa. They will know how to cook, clean, build things and do their own laundry. These women are raising little men and they know it. They weeded through quite a bit of bad apples to find their frog/toad/prince and they are doing the world a service in their raising our future right.

I realize that every home cannot have both a mommy and daddy. I also have friends who would love nothing more than to have that but they simply do not. Unfortunately it is now your job to be both mother and father. It sucks but it is reality. Hopefully you have a father, brother or cousin that can serve as a good male role model. Or if you are a single dad (they are out there from the fluctuation of whoring mommies), hopefully you have a mother, sister or friend who will be that influence to your daughter. EVERY child needs that, boy or girl.

Children today are committing suicide at an alarming rate. Parents don’t talk to their kids. We allow them to be babysat by fantasy worlds, TV and on-line chat rooms. Most don’t have goals or aspirations beyond living with their parents until they are 40. You would not believe the bargaining that goes on with teenagers. Money, privileges and promises in exchange for good behavior, grades and doing what you should anyway. See, when I was a kid you had good behavior and grades or you didn’t get money, privileges or promises of anything but further grounding.

Some of my friends tell me I don’t understand. When I am a parent it will be different. I don’t think so. My parents were all about tough love. I moved out at 16 and took care of myself. I was able to do that because they forced me to take care of myself at home. I cooked the family dinner, did the dishes and did a lot of the home maintenance. I was doing my own laundry at 10 years old. That was also the same year that dad said I was both old enough and tall enough to mow the grass on the riding mower. We talked about the power of a machine and went over every button, lever and pulley before he would even let me start it. It was another 4 years before I was allowed to mow the lawn when he was not home. He taught me to cut a steak and made a point to say “no daughter of mine will ever depend on a man to cut her meat”. I see girls on dates all of the time who have to have their boyfriend cut up their food. I always think of my dad. I can change oil, rotate tires and operate power tools. I don’t cry weakness when things are heavy or difficult for me. I used to hate that in the restaurant industry when girls would say they couldn’t carry glass racks or ice just so someone else would do it for them. My answer to that was for me to carry 2 at a time and show them that even though I am 50+ pounds lighter, I can do it, so can you. I can’t stand women/girls that further the idea that woman are the weaker sex. They are giving us independent gals a bad name.

You have to have a license to drive, practice law and medicine; most financial professions require them. You also have to have a license to serve liquor, to stay open late…fuck, you need a license to FISH but not to have a kid. Up until the point that my mature responsible friends started having kids, I really did think that only stupid people were breeding. Most of them breeding unwanted mistakes, paid for by the state. I am a democrat but I think we should sterilize women on welfare that continue to produce. If you accept our money, you also accept our conditions. I think gay people should be able to adopt all of these unwanted and unloved children in orphanages. What is the difference between a single woman adopting and 2 women or 2 men? 1 more person to love the child; that is all I can think of. We are doing a shit job of family values so please don’t trump the queer card as your issue with gay adoption. Most of my gay friends (I said most) are the most loving, caring and nurturing bunch of homo’s you have ever met. Their dogs are their kids and there is a lot of love out there for grabs.

The point is there are solutions to all of these problems. I, for one, will offer to help out more in the future. If one of my single mama’s needs a break, I will help because she deserves it. If someone’s marriage needs a break from the kids for a night, I am there. My resolution to my anger is to do more myself. I will not stand by when children hit and kick their mothers. If she is not strong enough to make it clear that is wrong, then I will. I don’t care how anyone feels about it or if I hurt someone’s feelings. It is all of our responsibility to make sure kids understand the world. Unfortunately, some of them are born into homes that are missing key elements to make a child a functioning adult. It really is up to the rest of us to help out. Turning a cheek isn’t working. It hasn’t been working for decades. Our prisons are over crowded and people are killing out of straight up hate. Something has got to change and I for one am starting today.

I didn’t name this bitch Craw Digger for nothing. I hoped I made you think even if you are pissed at what I had to say. I feel much better with all of that off my chest. Thanks blogosphere, almost as good as Calgon.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.-- Charles R. Swindoll

Way back Wednesday, my very first

My very first Way Back Wednesday and the first time ever that I have posted 2 blogs in one day. I am breaking records left and right today. So our Way Back moment today comes from way back in the early 80's. My parents claim to this day that they did not know my sister was a lesbian until she came out 6 years ago. Really? Cuz to me the hat/flannel/belt combo screams Lesbian-in-training! Anyhoo...we are adorable: then, now and forever. Happy HUMP day, y'all.

“Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.”

I believe the universe is a very powerful thing. I believe in negative and positive energy and karma. I have experienced all of these things with such distinction that I don’t just think they exist, I know. There have been very few times in my life that I have asked for a sign that things are on the right path. When I do, I need feedback and most of the time…I get it. This time was no exception.

This past Saturday was the funeral for one of Dan’s co-workers. Last week was a doozie on death for us. The dirt nap theory was in full affect. If you haven’t heard of this phenomenon before, basically the theory goes that when one person connected to you dies, there are 2 more to come. It is really a very negative, doom-and-gloom attitude if you ask me but no one did. So Dan’s co-worker goes into the hospital with an infection on Monday and they diagnose pneumonia. He died 12 hours later at the age of 42. My sister’s wife’s step-mother (did you follow that?) was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and she died last Tuesday at the age of 43. Then I talked to my friend Brandi later in the week and she tells me that her 45 year old cousin also died on Tuesday. His heart just exploded in his chest. That is 3 in 1 week which I personally have not experienced before and hope never again to. On top of that they were all 45 and under.

Back to my original reason for posting though, so I arrive at the St. Charles Memorial Gardens about 20 minutes early. Dan is on the honor guard so I knew he won’t really have time to chat and he wouldn’t be able to sit with me so I was in no hurry to sit down in the chapel. Since I had a few minutes I went to visit Leigh’s gravesite which is conveniently located at the front of the memorial gardens. For some reason ever since Leigh died when I go to her gravesite I always lay down with her. Maybe it comes from years of living together and sharing a bed. I don’t know but I feel enormous peace when I lay down next to her and gaze up between the 2 trees that shade her spot. I am a frequent cemetery visitor and I am known to blast Bob Marley or Whitney Houston if the mood strikes me. So this particular Saturday morning, I went about my usual activities. I clean off her headstone which is a beautiful gold butterfly. There were grass clippings all over the place, including but not limited to, the flowers and décor. If you knew Leigh, you know that even her gravesite must have flair. So I lay down in my spot and look up between the trees and just kind of let go of the past few weeks. My doubt, insecurity, self-pity and anger had to be put down and I knew it. I rarely do this but I asked her for a sign. I know that I am on the right path but everyone has a certain amount of doubt, even if just a tiny morsel. I had doubted myself for a minute so I had to rethink the decisions I made and allow my self to consider the possibility that I made a wrong turn. So I put it out there to Leigh that I could really use a sign. In the past when I have done this (only twice) both times I have not only gotten my sign but an incredible feeling of, how do I describe this?, it’s peace but more. Definitely love but…heavenly maybe? I will call it my perfect feeling, like all is right with the world. As soon as the request came out of my mouth I started my inner dialog about not expecting things and not to be disappointed if I didn’t get what I was looking for. At that moment, I am not kidding you; a huge rainbow appeared between the 2 trees in my perfect view. A freaking rainbow! I mean if that was not my sign I don’t know what else could have been! And again that feeling of all being right with the world really helps. I sent a big fat thank you to the heavens and went to find a seat.

I endured what was a very sad funeral by my self. Dan had to stand on the sidelines with the rest of the honor guard. We walked to the gravesite, the hearse, an ambulance, 75 uniform personnel, then a fire truck and then the 100+ attendees of the funeral behind that. I am sure it was an amazing site. Dan was on the flag folding team. I can’t imagine folding a flag that drapes my friends’ casket and the feeling both honor and sadness. After Dan’s duties as flag folder where done he was standing off by himself about 15 feet from me so I worked my way over to stand with him. Here is tiny little me in a sea of blue uniforms. I normally do terribly at funerals, even of people I do not know. I was very proud of myself and I know most of it was the surge of strength that my girl had just recharged but I made it until the very end without falling apart. I felt like I really needed to be there for Dan and I was actually able to do that so I was happy. My downfall did come eventually. Since I felt the pain of it, I will pass it along to you too.

There is a distinct siren that sounds at the ambulance house when they have an emergency call. They brought a St. Charles County Ambulance District radio out to the gravesite which was back by the lake at the memorial gardens. On the opposite side of the lake working ambulance personnel who were not currently out on calls had parked their ambulances and were observing the service from a far incase they got a call and had to go. So they sound the alarm like there is a call and then over the entire county system the dispatcher announces a final call for him; listing his date of birth and death along with years of service to the county. Now I made it through the funeral music. I made it through the march to the gravesite. I watched my boyfriend fold his friends’ flag and even endured the bag pipes but the final call was too much. You could hear it not only from the radio but also from the ambulances that were parked across the lake. It was a moment of honor for sure but being in the sea of blue made it worse. Grown, strong men just completely breaking.

After the service Dan wanted to have lunch but he had some duties to accomplish first. I sat with Leigh while he did his work. Her gravesite is literally just outside of the chapel door and sits right by the road. As everyone walked back from the back of the cemetery they had to pass by. Many of Dan’s co-workers stopped to say hello and seemed at first a bit surprised that I had just copped a squat next to a grave. I then felt the need to introduce. I said, “This is my friend, Leigh”. It happened only once with a group of about 7 medics. It was a cloudy and overcast day but as soon as I said “this is my friend, Leigh” the clouds parted and the sun busted down on us. It was like a 2nd sign that I didn’t ask for. I have always said that Leigh was a ray of light. Her headstone says, Our Streak of Joy. Either way, I got my answer and both of those feelings wrapped into one.

“Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true”-----Lyman Frank Baum

“I love you, but I love myself more.” Samantha Jones

I think we all know I have been struggling lately. Moving in with Dan, gaining new friends, losing old ones and settling into this little thing people call being a grown-up. (Insert dramatic huff here) I was the most independent, fun-loving and totally random single girl in the world. I really enjoyed that lifestyle, for many years actually. This whole girlfriend/pseudo stepmom/housekeeper/lover/friend shtick is exhausting. I am stressed about grocery shopping, childcare and household maintenance. My biggest stress as a single girl was who to party with and where. “I say who, I say when I say how much”, was my motto. Don’t get me wrong, I love Dan and although we have had our fair share of pissing contests lately, I know I want to be with him. I also know that a piece of me feels like it has broken off. That could be the loss of 2 of my friends in the past few months. I am coming to terms with the fact that in order to consider yourselves “friends” certain things need to be in place; mutual respect, trust, loyalty, love and consideration top my list. Once people become hateful, deviant frauds there is not much you can do. I think I was expecting Dan to swoop in and save the day when my friends walked out. They blamed him for their exit because they were too phony to admit to their own faults and frankly, their newfound distaste of me. I am realizing now (2 months later) that it was not Dan’s job to save the day. I realize now that I had a completely blown out of proportion expectation there. What Dan did do was talk to me. He did try to talk me off of the ledge on numerous occasions. He tried to defend them even while they attacked him and me. He encouraged me to do what was best for me. He never once suggested what was right or wrong for me. That is really all I could ask for.

Once the light bulb went off, I started to think of other events where my expectations were high; house cleaning, child care, shopping…the above listed stresses. I tried to talk to Dan about expectations a few weeks back and he told me he had none for me. I am not going to lie, that upset me. Here we have moved in together and we are trying to build a life together and he expects nothing? Well, being the deep seeded Scorpio that I am, I did nothing. I didn’t wash a dish, not one load of laundry; I did not lift a finger at home for 1 solid week. So I had a filthy house, stinky dishes, no clean underwear and I was still upset. In my anger I started to think, “Why is this my responsibility?” You know what? It’s not. Dan had his house, his child and his empty refrigerator before I moved in. The only thing that changed was my feeling of obligation. I hate that word. I hate its meaning even more. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to me so it is no wonder that I was becoming resentful of feeling obligated myself. I am not obligated. It is not my job to take care of anyone but me.

So that got me really thinking. Here I am stressing about making sure there is food in the house when Dan would prefer to order Papa John’s every night until the end of time. I am doing laundry, both of ours and matching socks (which I absolutely detest) for what? He has enough uniforms to not wash for over a month. He doesn’t really wear much but work clothes so why am I stressing? I talked to friends who are married and don’t do their husbands laundry. They were like “Girl, why are you washing his shit? Then you will just be obligated to it forever” There is that word again.

I think the childcare stress is really my own fear and/or fear of obligation. I am not a mommy, not even a mommy-type. I have enough trouble getting myself up and to work everyday. I live with a strong fear that I will forget his child. What if I leave her at home and head out to work? What if I forget to pick her up from the babysitter after work? Thank God she is a chatter box so I would never just forget her in the car or anything What if she drives me crazy and I snap like my mother though? So many what ifs. My true issue is I don’t leave things to chance, especially things as important as childcare. But guess what? It’s not my problem. I have offered my help and support and now I have to sit back and let him accept it. I was trying to make all of the arrangements without a proper schedule and getting angry at him for not helping. He should be making arrangements, not me. She is his child, his ex to deal with, and his issue in my opinion. So why the obligation on my part?

The housecleaning issue has been a man/woman war since women went into the work force and were pushed back into the home. Men are just lazy when it comes to things they don’t care about and they don’t care about enough dog hair to make a whole dog building up on kitchen floors. They don’t care about mail piling up for months or even years. They don’t appreciate you spending half of your day cleaning because it didn’t matter to them to start with. When I was single and I cleaned the floor I didn’t expect anyone to be grateful or in awe of me. I also was doing it because I wanted to, not out of obligation. Did you see my aaaaa-haaaa moment? I will not do these things out of obligation anymore. Obligation builds resentment and that is no good. If I feel like drinking with my friends and not doing anything to the house, from now on that is what I will do. I was taking myself and this situation way to seriously.

In the meantime I was resentful of Dan for many reasons. He didn’t acknowledge all of my hard work. He really didn’t seem to notice and/or care. He didn’t jump start into doing more around the house, he actually did less. But you know what? As soon as I did nothing, Dan did dishes. As soon as I stopped doing laundry, he started. I haven’t mentioned childcare and I am not going to. I trust that he will let me know if he needs my help and if not, I have plenty to keep me busy. I guess the moral of this here story is that here I was trying to make our life together perfect. I thought we needed to lean on one another to be a team. What I lost sight of were the 2 extremely independent people that came into this relationship. I was molding myself into something different, asking him for things that I never had and depending on him to give me an answer. I didn’t like myself so I can’t imagine what Dan thought. I was being all needy and nagging like my mother and I couldn’t stand that. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me. And that, my friends, is what I am getting back to. Me, myself and I. It isn’t selfish to take care of yourself. It is necessary and important. That is not to say that I don’t love Dan, I just love myself more to quote Sex in the City. And I should. Once you don’t love yourself you can’t expect someone else to love you.

“Declare today “sacred time”- off-limits to everyone, unless invited by you. Take care of your personal wants and needs. Say no, graciously but firmly, to others’ demands”----Oprah Winfrey

Rules of engagement…lost in translation

I hate that I am a product of my environment. We all are. No matter how much you say you won’t do things or you will never be like that…in some small way you do. That is not to say that I don’t believe in breaking the cycle and being better because I absolutely do. I also believe there are some things that are just ingrained into us so much that we don’t even realize it.

I remember past relationships that I was in where I became part of the other person’s family and immediately realized that if they weren’t AS messed up as my family, they were running a close 2nd. Every family has their traditions. I once attended a Christmas celebration that was complete with a cross cake and ended with candles and singing happy birthday to Jesus. I am not a religious person although I respect others beliefs. I gotta tell you, nothing in this world has ever made me want to put my running shoes on and get the hell out of dodge more than that singular moment. I was engaged to this man…and I knew in my heart there was no way I could legally enter into that family. That was not the only thing that I found to be strange behavior but it topped the list. I also dated someone, who I am coincidentally still friends with, whose parents used to decorate their house every Christmas like the Grizwold’s lived there. It was a sight to see but again…a giant red flag to me. Then there was the entire immediate family of ex cons. Great people but a bit scarey non-the-less.

These may seem like small and petty differences to you but they were things that made me go hmmmm. Do people look at my dysfunctional family and think how crazy we are? Damn right they do. My parents could not be in the same room together for all of the 1980’s. They had very distinct rules of engagement. My dad was a shut down/tune out king. Once he was done, he was done and there was nothing you could do about it. My mother would stand in front of the television screaming and he would appear to be watching it right through her. Mama would say anything and everything hateful just to get his attention, which somehow always surprised her when she did and he went CRAZY on her. This went on for years. My mom was a thrower too. In fits of rage she was well known to pick up the closest, usually heaviest object, within arms reach and chuck it. Sometimes a person was the target, sometimes a place but most times I think she just wanted to fucking chuck something.

Over at my best friend Manda’s house things were way different. Her parents actually kissed each other when they came home (yuck!). They went out together and had fun because they wanted to (say what? Why?). They spoke with respect and never raised their voices. I can honestly say in 30 years of knowing them I have never heard them fight. I know they disagreed. I remember specific instances but never a raised voice or hand…ever. They are still one of the best examples of a loving couple that I think I will ever have the pleasure of knowing personally.

When I moved in with Leigh and her parents the Gramlich’s were great examples of family life and love. I had never had a family dinner without yelling, screaming, throwing and taking sides at my house. I had not seen a man support his wife in my own home. Everything at my house was a battle. But at the Gramlich’s you could feel love and acceptance all of the time. Leigh was one of the most loved children on this planet and she knew it. She used to say all of the time how grateful she was for her parents and her life. She knew what she had was good, maybe because she saw the other side of life through mine and Joan’s eyes. She always recognized and appreciated her influences and so did I.

In my past relationships the rules of engagement for fighting were established early and usually by me. I had a tendency to date weak men who let me boss them around. I am not proud of it but it is fact. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, for both of us it never worked out. I strongly believe that if it had I would have turned out just like my parents. Dating many people over a few year span made me realize how differently all people are brought up. No wonder it is hard for 2 people to become one when they have all of this baggage of right and wrong/good and evil leftover in their heads from their parents.

It is amazing to me how many things can get lost in translation. I can say one thing but Dan hears something completely different. It happens in the reverse as well so I totally get it. Dan was raised in a house with 2 extremely passive parents. I, clearly, had a different experience. There were no arguments in Dan’s house. That is all there was in mine. It was world war (insert number here) or it was a ghost town. Sometimes you would come home and wonder, “is this the calm before the storm or did I just miss the explosion?” I DO NOT want to be like my parents. In fact, I flat out refuse to give into their rules of engagement. However, I don’t think Dan’s example was a whole lot better. He will be the first to tell you that it stunted his emotional growth by never talking about things. There was no problem, therefore there was no resolution. His parents divorced after 31 years of marriage and never really talked about it. I am not doomed to repeat history. At the same time it is a son-of-a-bitch trying to break that which is the “normal” cycle to you. Thank God my “normal” was sprinkled with a little Theilig/Gramlich love!

I find that when I can calm down and come from a positive place, Dan hears me much better. Maybe the better word is listens and then understands. His family did it their way, mine did it theirs. Neither of them was right. Both situations ended in bitter divorces and lots O anger. It is one of the hardest challenges of my life to break the cycle and rewrite the rules. I recently made the connection that Dan is very much like my dad in his style of shut down/shut out until he is ready and this makes me so angry. I can see now why my mom acted like a crazy woman. I don't condone her behavior but I now know the frustration of being ignored. My dad shut down out of spite and hate and I have to remind myself that is not why Dan does it. In his house you carefully thought out and executed the sharing of your feelings. In my house you verbally vomited all that was in your head and appologized later, if neccessary. Although we both know these behaviors do not work, or certainly did not work for our parents, we continue to revert back to them in times of crisis. Relationships are so hard! I think we are on the path to understanding...finally. It is a long road to finding rules of engagement that work for both of you and then sticking to them.

I have been really down on this thought process for the past few days, maybe even weeks. I really just needed to purge it out there to the blogging world. Dan and I fight, as all couples do, and sometimes I don’t know how to solve it. Between my anger and his not understanding me, sometimes I just want to give up. I don’t really want to but you know what I mean. We have all been there. Frustrated to the max! I know we are not the first couple or the last to have this problem. My friends reiterate that to me often. The desire is there for me to change myself and I know Dan does not wish to have a relationship like the example that he grew up with. I believe that together we can make this different. We can write our own rules. 2 days ago I was about ready to give up and I realize now that it was my willingness to just accept defeat that was keeping me from seeing that there is always a resolution. There is always a new path to take. It is just a matter of continuing to navigate or try that makes the difference.

I have unloaded a lot lately on my peeps and the blog world. I want to thank you, my girls, my original loves. I don’t know what I would do without the support of all of you. I am truly blessed with so many deep and meaningful friendships. I may not see you for months but when we meet again we will pick up right were we left off…both of us feeling as if the weight of the world has been lifted off of our shoulders as we part, just from having spent that time together.. I love you all and I am so grateful to have you in my life. Happy weekend to all!

Men are from Mars...

While having a bit of food and lots more drink on Friday with some girlfriends I was relieved to find that I am not the only one that does not understand the male species. Many people from my past would tell you that I am a man-hater. I actually just received that insult again recently from someone who didn’t know me years ago and still does not know me today. I am going back 30 years to find the root of this issue and you all know how I feel about blaming your parents at 30 so please understand that is not what this is about.

As a child, my mother could not depend on my father. Her response to this was to condition her children to NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN. I can’t tell you how many countless times she told us to depend on ourselves and ourselves alone because you cannot ever trust a man. He will disappoint you every time if you give him the chance. You can see how I earned the title of man-hater at a young age. I witnessed my father’s infidelity as well as his lack of concern for his family just as much as she did. I saw that we sacrificed so his needs could be met, just as she accused. Admittedly, he was not a good role model for fatherhood or being a good husband.

For many years I did live by my mother’s philosophy. I never truly gave my most serious relationships a chance because I never put my trust into them. I remember trying to put myself out there very few times and each time being disappointed, just like my mom said I would be. My years of being single by choice arose from the need to shed the scars of my past to move on to a future that I wanted. I did not wish to never trust in or believe in any man. I did not want to live the rest of my life with her anger. I don’t blame my mom, I know she did what she felt was best at the time. I understand that she did truly believe what she said and she just may still be angry enough to mean it today. She thought she was doing my sister and me a favor but letting us in on a secret that it took her years to learn.

So this past Friday, the girls and I were discussing over dinner how communication between the sexes is so hard. Why are men so sensitive? Why can’t they take any sort of criticism without becoming defensive and rude at times? Why can’t we just vent to them as we can to our girls without them feeling like they need to “fix it”? Why is it that we can say specifically what we need and still not get it? Why do they feel the need to shut down to deal with their feelings? I have been reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus off and on since moving in with Dan. I am not going to lie; there have been many times recently that being a lesbian makes perfect sense to me. At least you are speaking the same language from the same fucking planet!

It is funny that I didn’t know 2 of the girls at the table until that night but we all just fell in line immediately. We could relate and we wanted to hear one another. There was a support in this circle of women that I have not felt in a while. Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends that I vent to daily but there is something about gathering a group of women, some great friends, some good and a few who don’t know each other at all and have such an open and honest discussion. We had a few new mommies, a few experienced moms and a few non-mommies. My struggle of just having moved in with Dan and adjusting to that was just as accepted and talked about as their 2 am feedings and what diapers to use. It was so nice to be heard and to hear others that feel the same as you do.

Robin Gramlich told Leigh and I years ago something that will stick with me forever; she said you can marry the man of your dreams and have everything your heart desires but you will always need your girlfriends. They will be there when your husband can’t (like when he chooses to run away like a big FAT sissy). They will pick you up when you are down and hear you when you just need someone to listen. She told us to always value our girlfriends and the bonds that we have built with them. Your husband/boyfriend/significant other can never replace your bestest girlfriends. She was right. A true friend will be there for you to listen and help you understand. If that cannot be done, she will buy the drinks and drive you home. LOL! Thanks to all of my girls! You know who you are;-)

Just to clarify, I do not hate men. I never did. I did not have the greatest example of what a husband and father should be. I don’t want to sound as if I am bashing my dad either. I am a daddy’s girl and I know he also did the best that he could. I can only hope in the future that my best is better than theirs was. I hope that I choose a man who is a true example of what a husband and father should be. I can sure look at some of my friends husbands and take notes on the qualities that I do like (very few that I don’t like but important to note as well). I can look at my friend’s fathers also as a great example. Paul Gramlich, Ed Gittemeier and Paul Theilig are just a few examples of excellent husbands and fathers that I have had the pleasure of having in my life. I am so grateful for them and their influence. Grateful that they have shown me that not all men turn out the way my momma said.

Happy Monday to all!

A few quotable quotes from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

John Gray Author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus