1 in 4

This month has me reflecting so much on the past year. This time last year I was helplessly and knowingly living my life with Cancer in my right breast. I was working toward the goal of surgery with my surgical team, but the process was slow. It felt even slower each time I reminded myself that this shit was trying to kill me from the inside! I sat in countless doctor’s offices and heard stories of other women in waiting rooms across town. Some had it better than I did, and others had it much worse. I heard friends try to console loved ones to no avail. At times I was happy that I was alone. Others, I was grateful to have my tribe behind me, and either my sister-in-law or very close friend at my side.

No one prepares you for the wait that comes with a Cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s more of a hurry-up and wait, which I hate worse than waiting. It goes like this; hurry up and set up this appointment with this doctor but then wait 30 days to see them. Hurry up and get this test completed because it is imperative to your diagnosis and treatment plan, but you will have to wait 3-4 weeks for results. Hurry up and get the genetic testing but it could be months before you hear on that so don’t depend on it to make any decisions. (Yep, that happened) It leaves your head spinning, and the Cancer notebook you created to keep track of it all, full of more questions than answers. I later learned about people that were diagnosed pre-pandemic and forced to sit and wait for the world to reopen so that their Cancer could be treated. It’s crazy the situations in life that are hell yet we, as women, consider ourselves “lucky”. Thinking of the Pandemic diagnosis people, I was really “lucky”.

This weekend I was watching a Netflix show called Girls in The Back about a group of friends from school. They were assigned seats in the back of class and became The Girls in the Back. In the intro you find out that one of the five has Cancer. They take their annual vacation trip, all of them shave their heads and they each write down one challenge that everyone in the group will have to complete. Their only rules are that they don’t talk about Cancer or who has it. It is an amazing story of friendship, and for obvious reasons, it really hit home for me. You do eventually find out who has Cancer, and in the end, she says the exact same thing to her tribe that I said to mine, “I’m glad it is me”. I cried like a baby watching that scene.

The current statistic is that 1 in 4 women will get Breast Cancer in their lifetime. As my tribe sat with me through this experience, their lives continued to go on around us, as they should. I would listen to them whisper from the waiting room to their children at home, trying to keep their lives as normal as possible and I felt that wave of lucky. Not just for having an amazing tribe by my side. Not even just their little families that each made sacrifices so that they could be away from them and be with me instead. I felt lucky that it was me and not them. I am not married. I have no children. I live alone. The only one that depends on me is my dog. I have the resources and the insurance to fight this fight. And sadly, I will type this because I thought it, if someone must die from this, I want it to be me. I’m grateful to be the 1 in 4, and I’m finally making my peace with Cancer and what it has taught me.

#BreastCancerAwareness #1In4 #CheckYourBoobs

 

 

Survivor

 

sur·vi·vor

/sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

"the sole survivor of the massacre"

o the remainder of a group of people or things.

"a survivor from last year's team"

o a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

"she is a born survivor"

 

I have struggled for the last year with this word, survivor. If you get Cancer and live, you are a survivor. As soon as you hear the word Cancer, your mind begins end of life arrangements without your consent. Because I have amazing friends and support, within 45 days of diagnosis of Breast Cancer last year I had a Will, Trust, and Power of Attorney with a medical directive. No one knows what will happen in health matters and I wanted to cover all my bases. Also, I might be a bit of a control freak, and this gave me something to control whilst so much was spinning out of my orbit.

 There are so many levels to the Cancer fight that it’s hard to get your head around. If this, then that. We hope this but worst case is that. There are about 25 hurry-up and wait moments before there are any answers. Hurry up and book with this doctor but more tests, more wait, more opportunity to lose your mind. They try to lay out the information for you, but it is too much, and your mind and heart cannot take it all at once. For me it was one test, one day, one more doctor, until….what? I made myself crazy over information I knew I had no control over. When the calls, results and final appointments came; I was so incredibly lucky and blessed that every single call was the best of a worst-case scenario.

 My Cancer was in my right breast, Stage 1, not in the lymph nodes, hormone receptive and non-aggressive. There was precancerous evidence on the left but no Cancer, yet. It was all the things you want to hear. After much research and conversation with other trusted Survivors, I chose a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I didn’t want to risk recurrence, as I had seen happen to so many others. The mastectomy doesn’t guarantee that the Cancer won’t return but it gives me the best shot, and more importantly, peace of mind. Because I removed all the breast tissue, Hormone therapy would give me very little benefit with tons of unwanted side effects. I opted not to do the 10 years of Tamoxifen pills that was suggested by Oncology. I was 43 years old and the idea of early menopause, dry vagina, hormonal imbalance, and a host of other possible terrible side effects really made the decision for me. This was not a choice I made lightly and if the doctors had advised against it, I would have reconsidered. Both my surgeon and Oncologist were supportive of this decision because, the fact of the matter is, they don’t know if it’s needed but they treat everyone the same and work to give you the best chance of survival and I appreciate that. I also appreciate the opportunity to choose what is best for me and that is what I did. This was a privilege and a gift to have the choice and I know that. Not everyone has options.

 For me, early detection and swift action gave me choices that I know most do not have. I had surgery, I recovered, and I will see Oncology once a year until they kick me out to 5, then hopefully 10. Cancer will always be a part of my life and world now, but it will never own me. In my mind, I basically had a boob job. Granted, I would not have chosen to do that, but for Cancer. It was hard in the fact that surgery didn’t feel like a choice. In the end, it was. I could have gone to the first terrible butcher surgeon at Barnes St. Peters and opted for the lumpectomy she suggested. She was going to remove both nipples for “symmetry” and couldn’t tell me how or where she would cut me. I could have opted for a few other courses of treatment, but I CHOSE what was best for me and I had to continuously remind myself of that to keep my anger at bay. It felt then and still feels like the easy way and for me, it was. I was lucky to have an inner KNOWING that mastectomy was my choice. After that jarring initial surgery consult, I immediately opted for a 2^nd opinion even though doing so could extend my time until surgery. I knew in my heart she was not right for me (or anyone), and I had to advocate for myself. I ended up keeping both nipples and having an undercut like a normal breast augmentation. Because I advocate for myself, I was able to get exactly what I chose.

 To say it has been a long and emotional road is an understatement. No one chooses Cancer, unfortunately, Cancer chooses you. Therefore, I struggle with the word Survivor. I’ve seen my mom fight Cancer for 10 years. Ovarian twice and then Breast. I know countless people that fought the good fight and their Cancer returned, sometimes multiple times. There are others that have had botched procedures, bad doctors, terrible hospital tales and zero support. I had a tribe of women surrounding me, many of them survivors. I heard the stories you don’t tell anyone besides someone that may have to walk your path. My survivors were the ultimate support and epitome of Warriors. They walked through fire, sometimes multiple times, and SURVIVED! The question I asked myself most of this year is, how do I stand beside these amazing women, whom I do consider Warrior Survivors and count myself among them?

 Early on, countless well-meaning people told me how lucky I was that all I was getting from Cancer was a boob job. Those were hard things to work through emotionally. I certainly didn’t feel “lucky” and there was much spiritual therapy required to work through those feelings. Now, almost a year later, I got way more than boobs from Cancer. I learned a shit ton about Cancer and myself. I also learned who the people around me are, some for the good and others not so much. I learned who my helpers and true tribe are, those in my life that step up no matter what. I learned that I have so much left to live and give in this life. I learned who I am and what I am capable of…and I also happened to get new boobs! I can now laugh and appreciate better where those well-meaning people were coming from. Most importantly I’ve learned in this last year that I am a survivor. It’s the club you never want to be in, but I am honored and blessed to count myself among this group of amazing and courageous badass ladies!

#BreastCancerAwareness #Survivor

On This Day

 My On This Day this year is not a beautiful photo of vacation to some far away paradise. Nope, this year is but just a memory, thank goodness, but a bad memory all the same. I was fresh home from a weekend float trip for Labor Day, drying off from a much needed shower when I felt it. It was a lump, the size of a pea, in my right armpit into my side boob. I immediately reasoned it away as a lymph node still swollen from my bout with Covid a few months prior. 

Despite my confidence that is was nothing to worry about, I called immediately the next day to make an appointment with my GYN. They got me in that Friday and a quick exam revealed just what I suspected, a swollen lymph node from Covid. But wait, there is this other spot that is of concern. I was immediately referred for a diagnostic mammogram with ultrasound, which sounded super scary but I thought, I’ve got this….right?

A few weeks later, without having told one other soul in my life, I went for the mammogram with full confidence that things would be fine. The initial mammogram seemed normal, although I’d never had one before. I was referred for ultrasound which I knew would happen so still no worry. As the tech slowly stopped talking and her voice and pitch changed I knew something wasn’t right. When she said, “let me just step out for the radiologist real quick”, the room started to close in. But for my recent meditation practice I’m positive I would have had a panic attack in that moment.

The radiologist pulled zero punches and told me in that visit she thought I had breast cancer but they would have to do a biopsy to confirm. She also found something on the other side that she thought was concerning and wanted to also biopsy that spot.

After a few weeks of torturous waiting, I had biopsies on both sides to confirm what they and I already knew, I had fucking breast cancer at 42 years old. I was smart enough for the biopsy visit to take a friend and it’s a good thing I did. Your brain literally just shuts off after news like this, or mine did anyway. You almost need that person so later they can reconfirm the news you are doing everything you can to spin another way.

The story from there is long and winding. I didn’t always have the best referrals or doctors to start but eventually I woke up and took control of my health and found the right doctors for me. It delayed my ultimate outcome but resulted in exactly what I hoped for with the support and team that I needed. 

Maybe in the future I will dive into the details but the point of my story is this, on this day last year I found a lump. It wasn’t Cancer but it lead me to the Cancer and that little Covid lymph node may have just saved my life. 

My cancer was Stage 1, not in the lymph node, and completely operable. By my choice I opted for a full mastectomy with reconstruction. That decision would also be a whole other story but I know I made the right decision for me. It wasn’t a decision I wanted to make or follow through on but I’m damn glad I did. I’m glad I had the option, choices and insurance to back up my wants. I’m grateful to Covid for bringing this to light because I struggle to even imagine if I were sitting here right now not knowing something was trying to kill me from within. 

Moral of this very long story, it’s always better to know than not! Advocate for yourself and your health and when you don’t trust or fully understand, seek a second opinion. I was lucky in every single way, from finding it early to finding the right people to advocate for me and what I wanted. I am grateful and proud to be where I am one year later but WARNING, this could be a long fall season of reflection for me as I work though so much of what I could not face last year. Peace, love and check your titties friends, it just might save your life!💞

#BreastCancer