1 in 4

This month has me reflecting so much on the past year. This time last year I was helplessly and knowingly living my life with Cancer in my right breast. I was working toward the goal of surgery with my surgical team, but the process was slow. It felt even slower each time I reminded myself that this shit was trying to kill me from the inside! I sat in countless doctor’s offices and heard stories of other women in waiting rooms across town. Some had it better than I did, and others had it much worse. I heard friends try to console loved ones to no avail. At times I was happy that I was alone. Others, I was grateful to have my tribe behind me, and either my sister-in-law or very close friend at my side.

No one prepares you for the wait that comes with a Cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s more of a hurry-up and wait, which I hate worse than waiting. It goes like this; hurry up and set up this appointment with this doctor but then wait 30 days to see them. Hurry up and get this test completed because it is imperative to your diagnosis and treatment plan, but you will have to wait 3-4 weeks for results. Hurry up and get the genetic testing but it could be months before you hear on that so don’t depend on it to make any decisions. (Yep, that happened) It leaves your head spinning, and the Cancer notebook you created to keep track of it all, full of more questions than answers. I later learned about people that were diagnosed pre-pandemic and forced to sit and wait for the world to reopen so that their Cancer could be treated. It’s crazy the situations in life that are hell yet we, as women, consider ourselves “lucky”. Thinking of the Pandemic diagnosis people, I was really “lucky”.

This weekend I was watching a Netflix show called Girls in The Back about a group of friends from school. They were assigned seats in the back of class and became The Girls in the Back. In the intro you find out that one of the five has Cancer. They take their annual vacation trip, all of them shave their heads and they each write down one challenge that everyone in the group will have to complete. Their only rules are that they don’t talk about Cancer or who has it. It is an amazing story of friendship, and for obvious reasons, it really hit home for me. You do eventually find out who has Cancer, and in the end, she says the exact same thing to her tribe that I said to mine, “I’m glad it is me”. I cried like a baby watching that scene.

The current statistic is that 1 in 4 women will get Breast Cancer in their lifetime. As my tribe sat with me through this experience, their lives continued to go on around us, as they should. I would listen to them whisper from the waiting room to their children at home, trying to keep their lives as normal as possible and I felt that wave of lucky. Not just for having an amazing tribe by my side. Not even just their little families that each made sacrifices so that they could be away from them and be with me instead. I felt lucky that it was me and not them. I am not married. I have no children. I live alone. The only one that depends on me is my dog. I have the resources and the insurance to fight this fight. And sadly, I will type this because I thought it, if someone must die from this, I want it to be me. I’m grateful to be the 1 in 4, and I’m finally making my peace with Cancer and what it has taught me.

#BreastCancerAwareness #1In4 #CheckYourBoobs

 

 

Survivor

 

sur·vi·vor

/sərˈvīvər/

noun

1. a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

"the sole survivor of the massacre"

o the remainder of a group of people or things.

"a survivor from last year's team"

o a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

"she is a born survivor"

 

I have struggled for the last year with this word, survivor. If you get Cancer and live, you are a survivor. As soon as you hear the word Cancer, your mind begins end of life arrangements without your consent. Because I have amazing friends and support, within 45 days of diagnosis of Breast Cancer last year I had a Will, Trust, and Power of Attorney with a medical directive. No one knows what will happen in health matters and I wanted to cover all my bases. Also, I might be a bit of a control freak, and this gave me something to control whilst so much was spinning out of my orbit.

 There are so many levels to the Cancer fight that it’s hard to get your head around. If this, then that. We hope this but worst case is that. There are about 25 hurry-up and wait moments before there are any answers. Hurry up and book with this doctor but more tests, more wait, more opportunity to lose your mind. They try to lay out the information for you, but it is too much, and your mind and heart cannot take it all at once. For me it was one test, one day, one more doctor, until….what? I made myself crazy over information I knew I had no control over. When the calls, results and final appointments came; I was so incredibly lucky and blessed that every single call was the best of a worst-case scenario.

 My Cancer was in my right breast, Stage 1, not in the lymph nodes, hormone receptive and non-aggressive. There was precancerous evidence on the left but no Cancer, yet. It was all the things you want to hear. After much research and conversation with other trusted Survivors, I chose a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I didn’t want to risk recurrence, as I had seen happen to so many others. The mastectomy doesn’t guarantee that the Cancer won’t return but it gives me the best shot, and more importantly, peace of mind. Because I removed all the breast tissue, Hormone therapy would give me very little benefit with tons of unwanted side effects. I opted not to do the 10 years of Tamoxifen pills that was suggested by Oncology. I was 43 years old and the idea of early menopause, dry vagina, hormonal imbalance, and a host of other possible terrible side effects really made the decision for me. This was not a choice I made lightly and if the doctors had advised against it, I would have reconsidered. Both my surgeon and Oncologist were supportive of this decision because, the fact of the matter is, they don’t know if it’s needed but they treat everyone the same and work to give you the best chance of survival and I appreciate that. I also appreciate the opportunity to choose what is best for me and that is what I did. This was a privilege and a gift to have the choice and I know that. Not everyone has options.

 For me, early detection and swift action gave me choices that I know most do not have. I had surgery, I recovered, and I will see Oncology once a year until they kick me out to 5, then hopefully 10. Cancer will always be a part of my life and world now, but it will never own me. In my mind, I basically had a boob job. Granted, I would not have chosen to do that, but for Cancer. It was hard in the fact that surgery didn’t feel like a choice. In the end, it was. I could have gone to the first terrible butcher surgeon at Barnes St. Peters and opted for the lumpectomy she suggested. She was going to remove both nipples for “symmetry” and couldn’t tell me how or where she would cut me. I could have opted for a few other courses of treatment, but I CHOSE what was best for me and I had to continuously remind myself of that to keep my anger at bay. It felt then and still feels like the easy way and for me, it was. I was lucky to have an inner KNOWING that mastectomy was my choice. After that jarring initial surgery consult, I immediately opted for a 2^nd opinion even though doing so could extend my time until surgery. I knew in my heart she was not right for me (or anyone), and I had to advocate for myself. I ended up keeping both nipples and having an undercut like a normal breast augmentation. Because I advocate for myself, I was able to get exactly what I chose.

 To say it has been a long and emotional road is an understatement. No one chooses Cancer, unfortunately, Cancer chooses you. Therefore, I struggle with the word Survivor. I’ve seen my mom fight Cancer for 10 years. Ovarian twice and then Breast. I know countless people that fought the good fight and their Cancer returned, sometimes multiple times. There are others that have had botched procedures, bad doctors, terrible hospital tales and zero support. I had a tribe of women surrounding me, many of them survivors. I heard the stories you don’t tell anyone besides someone that may have to walk your path. My survivors were the ultimate support and epitome of Warriors. They walked through fire, sometimes multiple times, and SURVIVED! The question I asked myself most of this year is, how do I stand beside these amazing women, whom I do consider Warrior Survivors and count myself among them?

 Early on, countless well-meaning people told me how lucky I was that all I was getting from Cancer was a boob job. Those were hard things to work through emotionally. I certainly didn’t feel “lucky” and there was much spiritual therapy required to work through those feelings. Now, almost a year later, I got way more than boobs from Cancer. I learned a shit ton about Cancer and myself. I also learned who the people around me are, some for the good and others not so much. I learned who my helpers and true tribe are, those in my life that step up no matter what. I learned that I have so much left to live and give in this life. I learned who I am and what I am capable of…and I also happened to get new boobs! I can now laugh and appreciate better where those well-meaning people were coming from. Most importantly I’ve learned in this last year that I am a survivor. It’s the club you never want to be in, but I am honored and blessed to count myself among this group of amazing and courageous badass ladies!

#BreastCancerAwareness #Survivor

On This Day

 My On This Day this year is not a beautiful photo of vacation to some far away paradise. Nope, this year is but just a memory, thank goodness, but a bad memory all the same. I was fresh home from a weekend float trip for Labor Day, drying off from a much needed shower when I felt it. It was a lump, the size of a pea, in my right armpit into my side boob. I immediately reasoned it away as a lymph node still swollen from my bout with Covid a few months prior. 

Despite my confidence that is was nothing to worry about, I called immediately the next day to make an appointment with my GYN. They got me in that Friday and a quick exam revealed just what I suspected, a swollen lymph node from Covid. But wait, there is this other spot that is of concern. I was immediately referred for a diagnostic mammogram with ultrasound, which sounded super scary but I thought, I’ve got this….right?

A few weeks later, without having told one other soul in my life, I went for the mammogram with full confidence that things would be fine. The initial mammogram seemed normal, although I’d never had one before. I was referred for ultrasound which I knew would happen so still no worry. As the tech slowly stopped talking and her voice and pitch changed I knew something wasn’t right. When she said, “let me just step out for the radiologist real quick”, the room started to close in. But for my recent meditation practice I’m positive I would have had a panic attack in that moment.

The radiologist pulled zero punches and told me in that visit she thought I had breast cancer but they would have to do a biopsy to confirm. She also found something on the other side that she thought was concerning and wanted to also biopsy that spot.

After a few weeks of torturous waiting, I had biopsies on both sides to confirm what they and I already knew, I had fucking breast cancer at 42 years old. I was smart enough for the biopsy visit to take a friend and it’s a good thing I did. Your brain literally just shuts off after news like this, or mine did anyway. You almost need that person so later they can reconfirm the news you are doing everything you can to spin another way.

The story from there is long and winding. I didn’t always have the best referrals or doctors to start but eventually I woke up and took control of my health and found the right doctors for me. It delayed my ultimate outcome but resulted in exactly what I hoped for with the support and team that I needed. 

Maybe in the future I will dive into the details but the point of my story is this, on this day last year I found a lump. It wasn’t Cancer but it lead me to the Cancer and that little Covid lymph node may have just saved my life. 

My cancer was Stage 1, not in the lymph node, and completely operable. By my choice I opted for a full mastectomy with reconstruction. That decision would also be a whole other story but I know I made the right decision for me. It wasn’t a decision I wanted to make or follow through on but I’m damn glad I did. I’m glad I had the option, choices and insurance to back up my wants. I’m grateful to Covid for bringing this to light because I struggle to even imagine if I were sitting here right now not knowing something was trying to kill me from within. 

Moral of this very long story, it’s always better to know than not! Advocate for yourself and your health and when you don’t trust or fully understand, seek a second opinion. I was lucky in every single way, from finding it early to finding the right people to advocate for me and what I wanted. I am grateful and proud to be where I am one year later but WARNING, this could be a long fall season of reflection for me as I work though so much of what I could not face last year. Peace, love and check your titties friends, it just might save your life!💞

#BreastCancer

Man Candy: Diary of a Young Black Man

I usually post man candy for the man and the body. This man, however, has won my heart. He is a brilliant mind who makes people see the world for what it is but also makes you look at it for how we can all make it better. If you haven't seen his movies or stage plays, you are missing out. They have a fantastic message. Without further ado, I give you, Emmit Perry Jr., aka Tyler Perry.

As a teen, Emmit changed his legal name to Tyler to distance himself from his abusive father.
Tyler did not graduate high school but did obtain his GED.
In his early 20's Tyler was watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey's Show and he heard a writter speak of how theraputic writing can be for someone who has had a rough road in their life.
AND he is sexy as hell!
I love the side by side comparison of the real Tyler Perry and his alter ego, Madea.
This inspired a series of letter to himself about his abusive childhood and the things he had endured. This was the start of his stage show I Know I've Been Changed.
It was not until 1999's stage show, The Diary of a Mad Black Woman, that Tyler found himself on the national map of television, stage and movies.
Tyler was one of the first people to view the movie "Precious" and he was so moved by the story that he enlisted the help of Oprah Winfrey to promote the movie, which he had no interest in.
The movie Precious also inspired Tyler to speak of being molested himself as a child.
Old Uncle Joe, a character played by Tyler in his movies, is an old stoner who lives with his sister Madea, who is also portrayed by Tyler Perry.
From that to this hot black man.
The character Madea is said to be a mixture of Tyler's mother and grandmother. The name Madea comes from a term in the black community, mother dear. This term is used to referrence a mother or grandmother.
Tyler Perry is single as of the close of 2010. Some say he is gay. I would still marry him.
Tyler is an ispiration to many. His message is clear and positive. He is one of my heros.

"Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!"- Madea

The Bitch is BACK

Wow, it has been so long that I do not know where to start. Between the stresses of life and honestly not really trusting certain people in it, I had to step away from blogging. However, I am back and ready to unload. I found in my inner search that sometimes I was blogging for others or holding back on my blogs because of others. That will no longer be the case here at Craw Digger. I started this blog as a way for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. I will continue to do that but in a much more honest way. I will not hold back for the sake of someone else’s feelings. This may sound harsh but this blog is for me. I don’t make any money off of it and I don’t write it for anyone but me so I need to be true to that. I know I said this before but I was not ready at that time. I am ready now. So let’s get started catching up.

Work:

My job is going really well. I was hired on from temp to perm on October 1st. I got a raise, full benefits and a laptop that allows me to work from home up to 4 days a month. I love working from home. I can stay in my jammies all day and watch daytime smut television. My boss has been a different person since I was hired on. I am not sure if I just needed to prove myself to her or what but she is a new woman and I am appreciating that. I am lucky to have found such a great company and good people.

School:

I took two classes in the fall semester, Intro to Criminal Justice and Intro to Politics. I loved my CJ instructor. He was an extremely attractive black man who is a criminal defense attorney in St. Louis. We had an obvious flirtation with one another that even other classmates picked up on. There was an 80 year old man in that class who takes one class per semester to stay young. He got his degree in the 60’s and graduated high school 60 years ago. It was awesome to have 18 year old fresh out of high school sitting next to an 80 year old man. I really enjoyed that class. My politics class was only 8 weeks long. My instructor was a City Attorney in Clayton. He did not like our book or follow it so I did not buy it. I attended 6 classes and when I arrived for the 7th class and final review he told me that I had over 100% in the class and he was excusing me from our final. There were 3 other people in the class that basically tested out. Our grade was the curve that he graded on so we were good to go. Seven weeks of class, no book and I still got an ‘A’. I would be lying to say that I was not damn proud. School starts up again this week. I have my first on-line class and another one that I have to go to campus for. Unless I can start saving now for summer I don’t think I will have the money to attend as I did not borrow enough at the start of the year. You live and learn on these things and I have certainly done both.

Home:

Honestly, my home life sucks. I can’t deal with the lack of discipline or the obnoxiousness that lives in my house. I love that I have my own basement abode but it doesn’t help when the TV upstairs is loud enough for my deaf Uncle Ray to hear. The kids have no discipline. I have seen their grandmother and my roommate’s girlfriend be physically assaulted on many occasions. You would not believe how they speak to adults. Everyone seems to think it is easier to let them be crazy than to discipline them. I am curious to see how that will work when they are 18. I digress, it is not my problem. There is a poor dog that is part of all of this crazy that is not taken care of. He has basically become my dog and because of the way he is mistreated here, I will probably take him when I go. I have seen actual and outright abuse of the animal which caused me massive stress and anxiety. Not to mention how it has changed my opinion of the people in this house. My roommate does about 50 loads of laundry a week which requires him to constantly come stomping down into my space. My Bo dog hates him (barking, growling, don’t-mess-with-my-mom type anger). I am sure he has witnessed the abuse of the other dog. I question whether he has hurt my dog when I am gone but roommate is very afraid of Bo (with good reason) and I am pretty sure Bo would take a piece of him. The kids are here every other week and the week that they are gone, my roommate is mostly gone. That is the only thing that has kept me here and sane. My plan is to move with my sister and her wife, if they are able to buy a house in the next few months. If not, I have got to get out and get my own place. This situation worked out for both of us when we both really needed it. It is time for me to go now. I just hope I can make it out before we have major issues.

Friends:

I have been quite a loner lately. I have a few good friends that I hang with. I have been skipping going out and partying so I can save money for my move. I have rid my life of a few toxic people this year and I cannot explain the load that was lifted. Someone can be a good person but not be good for you. Others can portray themselves as good people, all the while stabbing you in the back, lying and manipulating you and their loved ones. I have learned a lot about myself and those around me this past year. I was allowing so many people to taint my world without even recognizing it. I also realized how lucky I am to have solid friends. I have had Manda in my life for 32 years now, our entire lives she has been my friend. How many people have that? People that I thought were lifelong friends also proved themselves not to be. Once I opened my eyes to who they truly were, I was able to see the phony in it all. Looking back, those people should have been cut out of my life when I left my ex fiancé in 2000 and they not only continued to hang out and drug up with him but to judge me for trying to be more and be better for myself. I am kicking myself for being supportive of certain people to the point of sacrificing my own beliefs, only to be stabbed in the back. It makes me angry to think of the things that I supported, only to have them turn their backs on me. Again, you live and learn, and I have certainly done lots of both this year. I am not angry or bitter but I am choosing more wisely. I would rather have 2 true friends than 10 backstabbers.

Life:

2011 has started with a bang already. My friend Courtney is getting married in Vegas in early February and because of my imminent and pending move, I told her I could not go. She just got engaged a few months ago and planned the wedding for less than 3 months later so that did not leave me time to save. Long story short, Court really wants me there so she offered to cover my flight. She paid for her whole family and was not taking no for an answer. Court is a photographer and the casino does not give a great picture package so I agreed to take her wedding photos in exchange for my airfare. I have never been to Vegas so this is all very exciting. I am rooming with a friend of Court’s to save funds. We will only be there for the weekend and with the wedding, I won’t have much time to see the town but I plan on doing it up to the best of my ability. I am pretty sure that I will not sleep in the town that never sleeps.

Just before Christmas my sister also let the cat out of the bag that she bought tickets to Lady Gaga in Chicago at the end of February. She is taking her wife and me as our Christmas present. We are staying at the Hard Rock Chicago. This is all just another reason to save. I am super excited to see the Lady and get to Chicago again but I really wanted to be moved by March and all of this vacationing is putting a crimp in my plan. I can’t complain. I am getting a free trip to Vegas and Chicago all in the same month! My best friend in Colorado is pregnant with baby number 2. She is due in early March so I will have to make my way West by summer to see our new addition. Again, no complaining, she lives in a mountain resort type home so I will be fine. It is a lot of travel in a short period but I will survive.

Love:

No love life. No dating. No sex. Nothing. It has been nice to take some time for me after the demise of my last horrible relationship but I am ready to start dating again. Perhaps I am just ready to get laid, who knows? I am not sure if I can do the internet thing but I think I am going to try. Men do not approach women in bars or anywhere really because it is easier to hide behind a computer. I really just want to get back into the groove. I am working on changing my attitude because I have been in the single girl mindset for a while. I would love to meet someone to go out and have fun with; someone who can read and write. Perhaps he would have a good job, maybe a house of his own. Preferably he will be an orphaned deaf mute, lol, I kid. I would appreciate an animal lover, who is respectful and kind to all people. I know he is out there so I guess I had better start looking.

I think that is it for my personal update. There are many issues that I have to catch up on. Since I have been away Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, which we all know that I love. A crazed mass gunman killed 6 people in Arizona and woke the nation up to the crazy that surrounds us, once again. The West Borough Baptist Church’s 3 protesters were run out of town last week by mothers of fallen soldiers and veterans. All kinds of things that have been in my craw will be released soon. Stay tuned.

Summer 2010: Sociology

Sociology was from 6-9:30 every Tuesday and Thursday. That gave me 30 minutes drive time and 30 minutes to study. We took 2 test and I got 100% on both. The final was cumulative and again, I didn't track down my grade but I got an A in the class so another score.

Sociology was so intriguing to me as I love different cultures and ways of life. Socioeconomic patterns are really common sense, as was most of what we learned, but the CLASS itself was so engaging. We did an excersise in social mobility that I loved. It basically gave characteristics of people who were born into one socioeconomic level but where able to move up or down the social ladder depending on things they are exposed to in their childhood. Here are a few things that I found interesting for you mama’s out there.

Things that help you to move up the social ladder:

Both parents in the home until age of 18

One or more parents has graduated college

More than 40 books in your home

Going to the art museum or zoo with parent or guardian (not school event)

Travel outside of the US before the age of 18

If one or more of your immediate family members is a Dr, lawyer or executive

If your parents are willing to contribute significantly to your college education

Things that work against you in social mobility:

If you were raised in a rented apartment or house

If you were raised in a single parent home

If one or more persons in your immediate family are in jail or prison

If one or both parents did not graduate high school

I thought they were all interesting things that we don’t necessarily think about. It certainly gave me a lot of insight into my own life and made me think about how I would raise my own family, should I choose to have one. I met some super cool people and it felt like as soon as we got into the groove it was over. I LOVED summer school!

Man Candy Monday is baaaaack!

Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from LOST!