Craw Digger

Man Candy: Diary of a Young Black Man

2011-01-17T12:44:00.004-06:00

I usually post man candy for the man and the body. This man, however, has won my heart. He is a brilliant mind who makes people see the world for what it is but also makes you look at it for how we can all make it better. If you haven't seen his movies or stage plays, you are missing out. They have a fantastic message. Without further ado, I give you, Emmit Perry Jr., aka Tyler Perry.

As a teen, Emmit changed his legal name to Tyler to distance himself from his abusive father.
Tyler did not graduate high school but did obtain his GED.
In his early 20's Tyler was watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey's Show and he heard a writter speak of how theraputic writing can be for someone who has had a rough road in their life.
AND he is sexy as hell!
I love the side by side comparison of the real Tyler Perry and his alter ego, Madea.
This inspired a series of letter to himself about his abusive childhood and the things he had endured. This was the start of his stage show I Know I've Been Changed.
It was not until 1999's stage show, The Diary of a Mad Black Woman, that Tyler found himself on the national map of television, stage and movies.
Tyler was one of the first people to view the movie "Precious" and he was so moved by the story that he enlisted the help of Oprah Winfrey to promote the movie, which he had no interest in.
The movie Precious also inspired Tyler to speak of being molested himself as a child.
Old Uncle Joe, a character played by Tyler in his movies, is an old stoner who lives with his sister Madea, who is also portrayed by Tyler Perry.
From that to this hot black man.
The character Madea is said to be a mixture of Tyler's mother and grandmother. The name Madea comes from a term in the black community, mother dear. This term is used to referrence a mother or grandmother.
Tyler Perry is single as of the close of 2010. Some say he is gay. I would still marry him.
Tyler is an ispiration to many. His message is clear and positive. He is one of my heros.

"Girl, I will set it off up in here. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!"- Madea

The Bitch is BACK

2011-01-17T12:30:00.002-06:00

Wow, it has been so long that I do not know where to start. Between the stresses of life and honestly not really trusting certain people in it, I had to step away from blogging. However, I am back and ready to unload. I found in my inner search that sometimes I was blogging for others or holding back on my blogs because of others. That will no longer be the case here at Craw Digger. I started this blog as a way for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. I will continue to do that but in a much more honest way. I will not hold back for the sake of someone else’s feelings. This may sound harsh but this blog is for me. I don’t make any money off of it and I don’t write it for anyone but me so I need to be true to that. I know I said this before but I was not ready at that time. I am ready now. So let’s get started catching up.

Work:

My job is going really well. I was hired on from temp to perm on October 1st. I got a raise, full benefits and a laptop that allows me to work from home up to 4 days a month. I love working from home. I can stay in my jammies all day and watch daytime smut television. My boss has been a different person since I was hired on. I am not sure if I just needed to prove myself to her or what but she is a new woman and I am appreciating that. I am lucky to have found such a great company and good people.

School:

I took two classes in the fall semester, Intro to Criminal Justice and Intro to Politics. I loved my CJ instructor. He was an extremely attractive black man who is a criminal defense attorney in St. Louis. We had an obvious flirtation with one another that even other classmates picked up on. There was an 80 year old man in that class who takes one class per semester to stay young. He got his degree in the 60’s and graduated high school 60 years ago. It was awesome to have 18 year old fresh out of high school sitting next to an 80 year old man. I really enjoyed that class. My politics class was only 8 weeks long. My instructor was a City Attorney in Clayton. He did not like our book or follow it so I did not buy it. I attended 6 classes and when I arrived for the 7th class and final review he told me that I had over 100% in the class and he was excusing me from our final. There were 3 other people in the class that basically tested out. Our grade was the curve that he graded on so we were good to go. Seven weeks of class, no book and I still got an ‘A’. I would be lying to say that I was not damn proud. School starts up again this week. I have my first on-line class and another one that I have to go to campus for. Unless I can start saving now for summer I don’t think I will have the money to attend as I did not borrow enough at the start of the year. You live and learn on these things and I have certainly done both.

Home:

Honestly, my home life sucks. I can’t deal with the lack of discipline or the obnoxiousness that lives in my house. I love that I have my own basement abode but it doesn’t help when the TV upstairs is loud enough for my deaf Uncle Ray to hear. The kids have no discipline. I have seen their grandmother and my roommate’s girlfriend be physically assaulted on many occasions. You would not believe how they speak to adults. Everyone seems to think it is easier to let them be crazy than to discipline them. I am curious to see how that will work when they are 18. I digress, it is not my problem. There is a poor dog that is part of all of this crazy that is not taken care of. He has basically become my dog and because of the way he is mistreated here, I will probably take him when I go. I have seen actual and outright abuse of the animal which caused me massive stress and anxiety. Not to mention how it has changed my opinion of the people in this house. My roommate does about 50 loads of laundry a week which requires him to constantly come stomping down into my space. My Bo dog hates him (barking, growling, don’t-mess-with-my-mom type anger). I am sure he has witnessed the abuse of the other dog. I question whether he has hurt my dog when I am gone but roommate is very afraid of Bo (with good reason) and I am pretty sure Bo would take a piece of him. The kids are here every other week and the week that they are gone, my roommate is mostly gone. That is the only thing that has kept me here and sane. My plan is to move with my sister and her wife, if they are able to buy a house in the next few months. If not, I have got to get out and get my own place. This situation worked out for both of us when we both really needed it. It is time for me to go now. I just hope I can make it out before we have major issues.

Friends:

I have been quite a loner lately. I have a few good friends that I hang with. I have been skipping going out and partying so I can save money for my move. I have rid my life of a few toxic people this year and I cannot explain the load that was lifted. Someone can be a good person but not be good for you. Others can portray themselves as good people, all the while stabbing you in the back, lying and manipulating you and their loved ones. I have learned a lot about myself and those around me this past year. I was allowing so many people to taint my world without even recognizing it. I also realized how lucky I am to have solid friends. I have had Manda in my life for 32 years now, our entire lives she has been my friend. How many people have that? People that I thought were lifelong friends also proved themselves not to be. Once I opened my eyes to who they truly were, I was able to see the phony in it all. Looking back, those people should have been cut out of my life when I left my ex fiancé in 2000 and they not only continued to hang out and drug up with him but to judge me for trying to be more and be better for myself. I am kicking myself for being supportive of certain people to the point of sacrificing my own beliefs, only to be stabbed in the back. It makes me angry to think of the things that I supported, only to have them turn their backs on me. Again, you live and learn, and I have certainly done lots of both this year. I am not angry or bitter but I am choosing more wisely. I would rather have 2 true friends than 10 backstabbers.

Life:

2011 has started with a bang already. My friend Courtney is getting married in Vegas in early February and because of my imminent and pending move, I told her I could not go. She just got engaged a few months ago and planned the wedding for less than 3 months later so that did not leave me time to save. Long story short, Court really wants me there so she offered to cover my flight. She paid for her whole family and was not taking no for an answer. Court is a photographer and the casino does not give a great picture package so I agreed to take her wedding photos in exchange for my airfare. I have never been to Vegas so this is all very exciting. I am rooming with a friend of Court’s to save funds. We will only be there for the weekend and with the wedding, I won’t have much time to see the town but I plan on doing it up to the best of my ability. I am pretty sure that I will not sleep in the town that never sleeps.

Just before Christmas my sister also let the cat out of the bag that she bought tickets to Lady Gaga in Chicago at the end of February. She is taking her wife and me as our Christmas present. We are staying at the Hard Rock Chicago. This is all just another reason to save. I am super excited to see the Lady and get to Chicago again but I really wanted to be moved by March and all of this vacationing is putting a crimp in my plan. I can’t complain. I am getting a free trip to Vegas and Chicago all in the same month! My best friend in Colorado is pregnant with baby number 2. She is due in early March so I will have to make my way West by summer to see our new addition. Again, no complaining, she lives in a mountain resort type home so I will be fine. It is a lot of travel in a short period but I will survive.

Love:

No love life. No dating. No sex. Nothing. It has been nice to take some time for me after the demise of my last horrible relationship but I am ready to start dating again. Perhaps I am just ready to get laid, who knows? I am not sure if I can do the internet thing but I think I am going to try. Men do not approach women in bars or anywhere really because it is easier to hide behind a computer. I really just want to get back into the groove. I am working on changing my attitude because I have been in the single girl mindset for a while. I would love to meet someone to go out and have fun with; someone who can read and write. Perhaps he would have a good job, maybe a house of his own. Preferably he will be an orphaned deaf mute, lol, I kid. I would appreciate an animal lover, who is respectful and kind to all people. I know he is out there so I guess I had better start looking.

I think that is it for my personal update. There are many issues that I have to catch up on. Since I have been away Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, which we all know that I love. A crazed mass gunman killed 6 people in Arizona and woke the nation up to the crazy that surrounds us, once again. The West Borough Baptist Church’s 3 protesters were run out of town last week by mothers of fallen soldiers and veterans. All kinds of things that have been in my craw will be released soon. Stay tuned.

Summer 2010: Sociology

2010-09-07T20:58:00.001-05:00

Sociology was from 6-9:30 every Tuesday and Thursday. That gave me 30 minutes drive time and 30 minutes to study. We took 2 test and I got 100% on both. The final was cumulative and again, I didn't track down my grade but I got an A in the class so another score.

Sociology was so intriguing to me as I love different cultures and ways of life. Socioeconomic patterns are really common sense, as was most of what we learned, but the CLASS itself was so engaging. We did an excersise in social mobility that I loved. It basically gave characteristics of people who were born into one socioeconomic level but where able to move up or down the social ladder depending on things they are exposed to in their childhood. Here are a few things that I found interesting for you mama’s out there.

Things that help you to move up the social ladder:

Both parents in the home until age of 18

One or more parents has graduated college

More than 40 books in your home

Going to the art museum or zoo with parent or guardian (not school event)

Travel outside of the US before the age of 18

If one or more of your immediate family members is a Dr, lawyer or executive

If your parents are willing to contribute significantly to your college education

Things that work against you in social mobility:

If you were raised in a rented apartment or house

If you were raised in a single parent home

If one or more persons in your immediate family are in jail or prison

If one or both parents did not graduate high school

I thought they were all interesting things that we don’t necessarily think about. It certainly gave me a lot of insight into my own life and made me think about how I would raise my own family, should I choose to have one. I met some super cool people and it felt like as soon as we got into the groove it was over. I LOVED summer school!

Pamela Suzette Grier

2010-09-07T20:36:00.004-05:00

I first came to know Pam Grier in 2004. She portrayed Kit, the headstrong older sister of one of the main characters in the Show Time series The L Word. I was shocked to find out that Pam Grier was not only the first female African American action hero but that she played the iconic roll of Foxy Brown as well. I dressed up as Foxy Brown four years ago for Halloween. I researched the character for her attitude and wardrobe never realizing it was Pam Grier that played her. That is why I chose Pam Grier as my African American actress to research.

Pam was born May 26, 1949 in Winston Salem North Carolina. Her mother was a homemaker as well as a nurse. Her father was an airplane mechanic in the United States Air force. Pam’s military family relocated often with their assignments occasionally taking them overseas. Pam spent many of the first five years of her life in England. At the age of six, Pam was left unattended at a relative’s house and she was raped by two older boys. This was the beginning of the devastating abuse that Pam would suffer in her life. At the age of 16, Pam was date raped. This event caused her to downplay her beautiful looks for years to come.

The Grier family eventually settled in Denver, Colorado where Pam finished high school. The family experienced great racial strain during this time period. She was not popular in school and had a very hard time finding a date to the prom. She was a survivor deep down and she forged ahead. During high school Pam performed in a few stage productions. She eventually entered a Denver beauty contest in the hopes of winning the cash prize and securing enough funds to put her through college. Pam did not win the contest but she did come in second place. There was a Hollywood talent scout at the beauty contest who approached Pam and made an offer for her to come to Hollywood. After finishing college, and at the urging of her mother to seize this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Pam headed for LA in 1967.

Pam’s idea of her future was a job in the medical field, helping other people. When Pam’s boyfriend at the time was killed in Vietnam she turned to acting as a way to release the grief and frustration that she was feeling over the death of her love. Pam landed a few stage rolls but she was not an instant success. Pam took a job as a receptionist at American International Pictures to pay the bills. It was there that she was discovered by director Jack Hill. Jack had a deep respect for women and the power that he felt that they held within. He was making a series of women’s prison movies and he cast Pam in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970), The Big Doll House (1971), Women in Cages (1971) and The Big Bird Cage (1972). This was the the Blaxploitation era and these violent and sometimes sadistic films put Pam Grier on the map.

In 1973, Pam played the lead character Coffy in a movie of the same name. Pam says today that the character of Coffy came from Pam’s image of her aunt on her mother’s side who was a strong, independent black woman. Coffy is out to avenge the people who got her sister hooked on drugs. She is a badass chick with a gun that does not one time need a man to come and save her. Coffy was one of the few images of a strong black woman for the young girls of that time period. Also in 1973, Pam starred in Scream Blacula Scream which was met with mixed reviews.

In 1974, Pam’s breakthrough roll, and the one she is most known for today was released. She played Foxy Brown, a jive talking African American woman with a gun. Not such a stretch from her other rolls. Foxy is a woman seeking revenge after her government agent boyfriend is gunned down. Foxy experiences being drugged and violently raped in this movie and seeks her revenge in a way that, in today’s times, may have been edited out of the final cut of the film. Pam was portraying strong black women before this country understood that there was such a thing or that they had a place in society. I am amazed that after the sexual abuse that Pam herself experienced, she was able to act out very graphic rape scenes in her movies. Pam had no idea at the time the impact that her performance of Foxy Brown, and others, would have on her life as well as the entire African American community.

In 1975, Pam starred in Sheba Baby, Bucktown and Friday Foster. She did just one movie in 1976 and she began to fall off from there. Pam was losing interest in what she felt was a repeat of the same as kicking female lead. She seriously questioned in her mind at this point if acting was really her passion and she decided to work less. She accepted small rolls in TV and Miniseries. In the 1980’s Pam did a few guest star rolls on The Cosby Show, Miami Vice and Night Court. Pam was not heard from much during this time.

In 1997, Quentin Tarantino, resurrected the career of Pam Grier when he offered her a starring role in his third film, Jackie Brown. Tarantino was a huge fan of Foxy Brown and wanted Pam to play a modern version of her sexy alter ego. Tarantino knew what he was doing when he cast Pam alongside box office powerhouse, Samuel L. Jackson. Pam proved herself to be just as sexy in middle age and she began her comeback to entertainment. After the release of Jackie Brown, Pam was offered many rolls including guest appearances, recurring characters and supporting roles.

During the press tour to promote Jackie Brown, Pam admitted to having been diagnosed with Cervical Cancer in 1988 and being given 18 months to live. Pam credits her Cancer diagnoses for making her see the important things in life and living to the fullest every day. Pam moved to a 100 acre ranch in Colorado where she rescues dogs and horses. She is a private woman who prefers the quiet of the country as opposed to the big city life. Pam seems like the type of woman that anyone could be friends with. She has lived a fascinating life and has given much back to the community.

In one of her most recent rolls, from 2004 to 2009, Pam played the straight bar owning older sister of one of the main lesbian characters on The L Word. Pam’s character, Kit, is a strong, independent black woman who struggles with her mixed race, her role as a woman in society and her sexuality. Pam is a huge supporter of gay rights as well as civil rights so the roll seems to come naturally to her. I read a lot of interviews, movie reviews and eventually went to buy Pam’s book, Foxy: My Life in 3 Acts, as research for this paper. I am now fascinated with Pam Grier and I will probably eventually see every movie she ever made. There are so many parallels between Pam’s character choices and my life. Reading about Pam personally made me see that she accepted those roles for a reason. Most of her characters did mimic her own life in some way.

Pam has been romantically linked over the years to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Comedian Richard Pryor, Freddie Prinze and, most recently, Hempel from 2000-2008. Although she never married, Pam says she still dreams of her prefect wedding. Over the course of her career, Pam has been nominated and awarded many NAACP image awards for numerous rolls. For Jackie Brown alone, she was nominated for 10 awards. Most notably, the SAG Award for Best Actress and the Golden Globe, also for Best Actress. Pam was even nominated for a Daytime Emmy for her part in an animated show Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for every child. Pam has clearly made her place in history as one of the pioneers for African American women, not just in film but also in real life. Pam had to have known that the movies that she did were racy for the time period. She had to understand that they would be met with resistance. She accepted those rolls anyway. She accepted them, she researched them and she performed them with gusto. Pam Grier is looked back on today as a living icon and a legend, as she should be.

Summer 2010: Blacks in the History of Cinema

2010-09-07T20:30:00.003-05:00

My Monday night class was Blacks in the History of Cinema from 5:30-8. We only met 5 times over a 6 week period (4th of July we were off) so there was a lot to cram in. There could not have been a more perfect class to take the same semester as Sociology. I learned so much about Black History from this class. I had to watch an old black musical so I chose Carmen Jones, starring Dorothy Dandridge. I had never seen her work and I can see now why they called her the black Marilyn Monroe. She was hot and super risqué for her time. We also watched Birth of a Nation, which was one of the first films ever. Black people were portrayed by white men in black face, even the traditional Mamie roles.

I had to watch a film from the Blaxploitation Era, which was basically when black people started to stand up and make films about defying the white man. I chose the first Blaxploitation film, Sweet Sweet Back’s Baad Assss Song. It was the first motion picture where a soundtrack was used to promote the film. This was another genius invention that the black community gets no credit for. Sweet Back is basically a porno, written, directed and starring Marvin Van Peebles (father of Mario, who has a short and disturbing cameo). The film was silently financed by Bill Cosby and Sidney Poitier. Van Peebles actually contracted Gonorrhea during filming because they did not simulate sex but actually shot live and very real sex scenes. Van Peebles sued the Motion Picture Association and workman’s comp for his STD and won enough money to finance another movie.

I had to choose a Sidney Poitier film to review. I chose To Sir with Love. Poitier plays a recently graduated engineer major who wants to teach. When he can’t find a job in his field of study, he takes a job at an England high school for troubled white teens. This film was the introduction of the singer Lulu, who sings the hit To Sir with Love. Portier plays an excellent role of overcoming the adversity of the troubled children as well as race barriers that still exist. The film was made in the 1950’s and while it seems a bit slow at first, the story line is quality.

I loved the black history of this class. I was the only white person which only bothered me the first day because someone was rather prejudice. I got over that and the rest of the class was great. I was the only person who had ever read Roots in the class. When they started bashing Sidney Poitier for not “representing” the black community I felt the need to defend him. I read The Portrait of a Man, Poitier’s autobiography and his story is amazing. He is from a Bahamian island where he grew up with no running water or electricity. He barely spoke the language when he came to the US. He did not experience racial prejudice or stereotyping as a child so he did not understand the anger at the white man. He also did not understand, until years later, why so many people thought he could have and should have done more. By the end of class, my opinion was very respected by my peers and that made me feel awesome.

Our final was to write a 5 page paper on a black actor, actress or film maker. I chose Pam Grier, aka Foxy Brown. I knew Pam as the older, straight sister of Bette, from the L Word. Even though I dressed as Foxy Brown for Halloween one year, I had no idea that Pam Grier played the iconic role. She was the first black female in an action movie. In the 1970’s she made more than 10 bad ass black chick films. Her story is amazing and she is and is a truly iconic figure that goes pretty unrecognized.

I got a 100% on all of my reviews and papers. We didn't get our final project grade back but I got an A in the class so I am happy. I will post my Pam Grier paper for your viewing pleasure. Oh, and me dressed as Foxy Brown below...

Man Candy Monday is baaaaack!

2010-06-28T21:04:00.003-05:00

Josh Holloway, aka Sawyer from LOST!

RIP Grillmeister

2010-06-12T14:09:00.002-05:00

The world lost a great man this week. He was a great floating buddy, a grillmeister supreme and an outstanding person, husband and friend. My buddy, Rich Bruer, kissed his wife goodbye last Friday and headed off to work. He e-mailed with her that morning discussing the Friday night plan. He took his lunch break and walked around downtown St. Louis. Somewhere along the way he had a massive heart attack and died. Just like that. He was only 44 years old. He leaves behind his wife, Kathryn, who is just a fantastic lady. They had no children but many, many loving friends. It was a good lesson in how short and precious life is. Leigh always used to say that you should tell everyone that you love them before you leave, always. You never know when will be the last time that you see them. I wonder sometimes if she knew how young she would die. I was remembering back to the last float trip. I thanked Rich and Kathryn for getting us all together (and for Rich's expertise on the grill), I told them I couldn't wait until next time and as I closed my car door I said, "love you guys". That was the last time I saw Rich alive.

If you know me, I have probably told you that I love you, because I do. I have many friends who, to this day, are taken aback when I say it. Losing a friend like Rich reminds me of why I do it. It may seem ridiculous or trivial to you but I smile when I look back and remember those final moments of love between us. I feel lucky and blessed for each and every person in my life. I want you to know, no matter what, that I have love in my heart for you. None of us know when our number will be up. If I am remembered as the girl that always said ‘I Love You’, I am ok with that.

I had not seen Rich and Kathryn in years. I am sad to say that I had not seen any of the old floating buddies until we were all brought together by this horrible tragedy. We vowed to float again, to get together and talk. We let ourselves lose touch and then we lost one of our own. Our friend, Rebel Sarah, who floats with us called it “a sin and a shame” if this doesn’t bring us back together. The Rebel is right. We owe it to ourselves and Rich and Kathryn to never be pulled so far apart again.

It is amazing the bond that is formed by a few weekends in the wilderness together. I feel like these people are my family. It felt good to rally for Kathryn. She was full of strength and grace, even in the worst hour of her life. She made the decision the day that Rich died that we would celebrate his life, not mourn his death. Rich was a laid back, peaceful and earthy soul. Kathryn is his opposite. Despite that fact, I am proud to say that Kathryn buried Rich the way that he would have wanted. He had on his shorts, tank top and hat in the casket. In his hands were his sunglasses (which he always wore) and cigars (which he loved to smoke). Some people would call that tacky, I call it a tribute. Rest in peace, Grillmeister, you are loved and missed by many.

It's only 6 weeks (repeat mantra)

2010-06-12T13:24:00.003-05:00

I started back to school this week. It is a shortened summer term, only 6 weeks. Monday night was my first meeting of my 'Blacks and their History in Cinema' class. I feel that it should be mentioned that I am, in fact, the only white person in the class. That is a fact that makes me a bit sad. Not that it bothers me but I am pretty sure it mattered to some of the "strong" black women in my class. One group of ladies invited a young man to come sit with them as he was heading to sit at my table. When he declined and sat with me, they were not happy. I have never really experienced reverse discrimination and it honestly felt empowering. The woman who instigated the invitation to this young man turned out to be a MO state representative. Interesting...

I felt as though I knew more black history than they did. I am the only person in the class who has read Roots. When Sidney Poitier came up they said he was a sell out for taking the rolls he did without demanding more black people be involved in his movies. I read "The Measure of a Man", which is his autobiography and I was defensive to their comments. Some of you may not know this but Sidney Poitier was from a Bahamian Island. He had never seen running water or a functioning toilet until he came to the United States. He spoke with an accent and worked very hard just to fit in within the black culture in the US. He barely understood the language, and then could barely speak it; how was he supposed to represent an entire race? This class is going to get really interesting. It is on Monday night from 5:30 to 8pm. We watched a short clip of one of the first movies ever made, in which blacks were portrayed by white people with painted face. This week we are watching "Birth of a Nation" which depicts the KKK in a good light while blaming black people for their own suffering. I am really excited for the discussion that is sure to come from that. We only meet 6 times and the grade is based on class participation, a few critiques and a final paper on a black actor, actresses, director, producer or screen writer. Suggestions are welcome!

On Tuesday and Thursday from 6-9:45 I have Sociology class. It is a really LONG class but interesting topic. I love culture and human interaction and that is what sociology is all about. We have 3 tests and a final. There are 12 classes total and there is a lot of information to cram in. I have read quite a bit about famous sociologists and their theories in my own pleasure reading. The class is multicultural and everyone seems respectful and open to learning so I think it will be fun.

Between the 2 classes, it is 6 credit hours in 6 weeks. I work 8-5 and with St. Louis traffic I have not risked running home between work and class. Poor Bo is going 14-15 hours without going out which breaks my heart. He still is not warming to Ferg and therefore will not go out with him. Ferg's mom watches the kids at our house a few days a week and Bo will go out with her. I feel bad but he chooses to distrust Ferg so it is his call to not go outside. I would probably have enough time to stop home and let him out Tues/Thurs but then there is no time to eat. Going from work to class with no food is just crazy as I don't get out until so late. Plus, I am an eater and I cannot concentrate when my belly is angry and empty.

Every day this week when I have woken up exhausted and cranky I tell myself, "It's only 6 weeks!" After Thursday's class was over, it is only 5 weeks now. I am taking a girl's trip to the lake the last weekend of June, which is also halfway through the summer semester. It will be a much needed break. I am trying to keep my eye on the prize and forge ahead. More than likely I would be drinking and partying if I didn't have school to keep me grounded so I am grateful more than anything. I know it will be hard work but it will all be worth it in the end.

Copacetic

2010-06-06T17:53:00.003-05:00

Saturday was awesome with Sam. I went to his house and then we went to the pool. One of his oldest friends moved in with him recently because he is going through a divorce. It was awesome to see him and catch up. Not gonna lie, I felt like he was a good buffer between me ending up in the bedroom with Sam too. lol It was actually kind of like a group of old friends catching up for a while because our history is so shared. He was elated to see me and told me more than a few times that EVERYONE knows I am the one that Sam let get away. As he got more intoxicated, he started to spill details too so that was fun.

At the pool Sam and I had our own 2 chairs off from the crowd so we finally got our chance to catch up. We talked out a lot of things that simply could not be discussed via e-mail. We actually went back to the beginning and both of us being able to recognize the other person's point of view helped a lot. It only took us 10 years to realize we were both pretty stupid and presumptuous. He apologized for pushing me into the relationship when I asked him to please give me time after my 5 year relationship. I apologized for refusing to acknowledge him as my boyfriend which was, quite simply, all he was asking for. He also sees how rough that was for me since my family loved the ex fiancé and we had truly only been broken up a month. I also admitted to him that I was a relationship hopper. In fact, I was in a pseudo relationship when I met my ex fiancé, Chad. I'm not sure why I had never told him that before. Perhaps then my resistance to jumping into something with him would have made sense.

We talked about the police interventions. I took claim for the first and he for the 2nd, as I suspected. Although we both learned a valuable lesson from both instances, we now see how they could have been avoided. Long story short on my claim, the first offense, He called me a whore in MY apartment and I asked him to leave. He would not so I went to the door, opened it and then issued the order that he could leave or I would make him. So he got in my face and called me a whore again. It was like a reflex when my right hook busted his glasses off of his face. I did not feel a bit of remorse because I felt like he was clearly in the wrong. Grant you, I should have used my words instead of my fist but in my defense, he is much larger than I am and he was amped up and in my face. Instinct and survival kicked in for sure. He called the police, and his sister which is truly a whole blog in itself. That incident is the closest I have ever come to going to jail. In the end, he had broken glasses and a cut on his face. I think his ego was more wounded than anything. What we determined is that he has learned his lesson on name calling and once his sister knew the truth of what happened. She had my back and not his.

We didn't talk for a while after that first incident. We eventually got back together though. I don't remember how or why our 2nd police intervention came about. I know we were fighting about something and he came to my apartment. He was angry and amped up again and I just knew it was not going to go well so I would not let him in. He ended up crawling into my bathroom window. I called the police this time and he was ordered to stay away. I don't remember exact time lines but that didn't last long. We were so drawn to one another.

Sam has experienced quite a few major life changes and lessons in the past few years, as have I. We talked a lot about his last relationship, which just ended 3 months ago. It was refreshing to be open and honest again with someone that I know so well. We also talked a bit about CL. Sam saw him at our mutual friend's wedding in October and thought he looked like a total douche. I thought it was pretty funny what a strong reaction he had to me being with someone else after all of that time. We talked about the period of time that we tried to be friends but still totally wanted to be together. We just could not figure out how. We spent so many good times together, basically dating and just never told each other how we felt. I just wanted him to be happy and I thought he was happier without me. He has regrets about things he did and so do I. I was just really glad to get my feelings off of my chest and get a few answers.

We are both definitely alpha dogs which was an issue for CL and me as well. The major bond that Sam and I had, and it wasn't the only thing but one of the biggest, was amazing sex. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Hands down, my best ever and his as well. He said it more than a few times yesterday. It is really no surprise that we eventually got drunk and boned. He apologized for a whole lot. He was wrong to cheat on his gf at the time and I was disgusted with myself. I knew after experiencing a completely amazing night (and morning, in the interest of full disclosure) that we could not be friends or even be around each other. When I told him that yesterday he said, "Well then, why did it happen again in the morning?" Old times’ sake, a final farewell...call it what you want. I think that shocked him a bit. He knew he was so wrong that he had absolutely no hard feelings for my avoiding him. I think he just missed me. I missed him too but I couldn't go back. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.

We have mad, crazy, fiery passion. On my way to his house I honestly wanted to throw up. When I saw his bff on the front porch, I was relieved to have a buffer. He knows our entire history anyway and he really wasn't around that much. He did walk in at one point when we were talking about Sam's ex and he was like, "why are you two talking about that?" And Sam said, "I've known this girl 10 years and I have nothing to hide from her" He drank beer at the pool and we were there about 3 hours. When we walked back to his house we were all hungry and they were going to bbq so I did have 2 drinks while we cooked and hung out on the deck. It was weird to be in his house again but then also oddly comfortable too. He made a few comments about getting me into bed but other than that he did pretty well.

The final straw was after lunch. It was after many beers for him, his roomie passing out face down on the floor and my 2 drinks down. He looks at me and just says flat out, "I want to kiss you so bad right now" I was a little buzzed and not really thinking and I said, "I'm not scared of you" He was out of his chair and one inch from my face in seconds. I leaned my head back and said "no" but the fire was burning me. He made some comment about how I couldn't handle it and I left very shortly after.

Part of me says I will never find this love, passion or spark again. I know many people who never find what we have. The other part says, been there, done that...many, many times. I do love the shit out of him. I don't know if we really could be friends after spending the day catching up and experiencing sparks and eventually FIRE. Like I said, much has changed. I honestly don't know what he wants. I mean, clearly, he's a man so sex is on the brain but I am pretty sure that is not all he wants. I know I still feel the same way about him that I always have. I guess I know the potential of what he can be and I would expect at least that from him in a relationship, if not more. At this point, he would really have to bring it to convince me that I am what he wants. I am not sure he has that in him. I am going to need the full meal deal and a big neon 'GO' sign to put myself back into it fully. My spirit guides are going to have to lead me directly there if that is my destiny. I am too old to be fuckin' around. I know he loves me. I never doubted that. He didn't love himself back then and I am still not sure that he is ready to allow himself to be happy. He knows me better than most people so we shall see where it goes from here. I feel better having said my peace so if nothing else, it was the closure that I needed.

A cliff hanger...

2010-06-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

The spark is still there but so is the fear. We loved and abused each other equally back then. It has been 5 years since we have been a couple. It has been 3 years since we have seen each other one-on-one without a crowd. I feel bad about how I just walked away from him. I had to do it for myself and my sanity. So why is there still a spark? Why do I randomly wonder where he is or what he is doing? Why do I compare our good times with everyone else I date? They never measure up. We had a true connection and amazing passion. There were definitely extremely tumultuous times but in the end, we were always there for each other. I could depend on him whether he was my friend, my boyfriend or my nothing. I could have called him for help over the past 3 years of silence. He would have been there and I know that.

Our timing was terrible 10 years ago when this all started. I will never forget the day he came up to me at work and told me I was “the most beautiful girl” he had ever seen. I was coming out of a serious 5 year relationship, perhaps still a little scorned. I was not ready to date and I told him so. He pushed because he could not wait. He apologized for that this week. He knows what should have happened. It is funny that when most relationships go wrong, we tend to blame the other person. In our case, we have both bent over backwards to take responsibility for what was ours and maybe some of what wasn’t. We communicated horribly back then. We hurt each other because we knew just how to do it and we did it to be hurtful.

We were violent, to the point of police intervention, twice. I will take responsibility for one of those and I think he would tell you he takes the other. The passion between us was insane. We loved and hated with all that we had. We were so off and on and back and forth that I was not even sure when we were “together”. We managed to put the crazy behind us and be “friends” for years after all of this. We even took a trip to Amsterdam with mutual friends. We had that comfortable, fun relationship without the drama. We both dated other people and we were great friends to each other. We told each other things that I know neither of us has told another soul. We have been through things together that you cannot explain to someone new. We knew and (mostly) loved each other’s family, even after we split. We were so in sync.

Then it happened. I think it happens to most exes’ who still have feelings for each other. We got super drunk (n’coked-I have no reason to lie) and had mad passionate sex after years of being friends. I knew the moment that I woke up in his bed that we could not be friends anymore. He was dating someone at the time and I felt awful, as did he. It was an all around horrible moment. After 7 years of back and forth, something snapped in me that day. I knew as I walked out the door that I would not be back. We talked on the phone, really we cried. I felt horrible about being the other woman and he felt like a failure to the girl he was dating and to me. We never spoke again.

My heart broke for months, really years. I missed him so much. Not the relationship but the friendship, just having him. I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen the way it did. I never considered at the time how strong the force of our connection was. I never considered that it was always heading that way. We just couldn’t or didn’t want to stop it. Over the years I have thought about him a lot. Like I said, I have compared my other relationships to ours. I have wondered about him and his family. I would hear things thru mutual friends and so want to pick up the phone to call. I would not allow myself to do that. I would think of him on his birthday and the anniversary of our Amsterdam trip. I shut him out completely. He tried to contact me a few months later. He sent a letter by mail and then an e-mail. I never responded. I couldn’t see us hurting each other anymore. I didn’t even remember the letter or e-mail until I found them not too long ago. I guess I really blocked that out in order to try to move on.

I ran into him at the funeral of a very close mutual friend and barely recognized him in 2008. (He had grizzly wooly mammoth facial hair) I could tell that he was elated to see me and I really played down how excited I was to see him. We spoke briefly, catching up on friends but that was about it. He had been through some pretty life altering stuff that year and I knew it but I couldn’t force myself to ask. Again, I walked away from him. I remember him shouting out his phone number as I walked away and immediately deleting it from my mind.

I saw him again at my girl’s wedding last year. We had an awkward moment in the stairs and that was about it. I found his apology e-mail from 2007 shortly after that, totally by fate, I think. It pulled at my heart so much and it baffled me that I was able to just ignore him. I felt like a heel. Especially after the way CL did his check-outs and left me to wonder all of the time. Once I realized I had done that as well, I was on a mission to fix it. We e-mailed back and forth for a bit as you probably remember. He was awesomely forgiving and completely understood why I did what I did. We have commented back and forth on Facebook or sent a quick e-mail here and there but that has been it since then. We were both avoiding really talking or hanging out, that was clear.

Last week his cousin’s plan was shot down in Iraq. He posted on FB to please pray for him and I was the first to respond. I have known his cousin since he was a preteen. Their parents married brother’s and sister’s (mom’s sister married dad’s brother) so these cousins are really like brothers. I was shaken over the possibility that his cousin’s number was up. I knew how close they were and how devastated he would be by something like that. I eventually e-mailed him for an update and what I got back was a shock. His cousin was fine, that is how it all started out. But then it went to how I was the only girl he ever truly loved. He said he hasn’t called to hang out or talk because he can’t be my friend or keep his hands off me. I was taken aback by this. I knew we still had the draw but I had no idea he still felt that way after all of this time. The craziest part is, I.do.too. I always have.

When I really think about it, during our “friendship” time, I always had feelings for him. I have always loved him. I wanted him to be happy. I thought he was happier without me. He dated others and seemed into it so I never considered that we were both playing the same game. I guess we didn’t want to put ourselves out there? I am not sure but clearly this is a sign of our poor communication.

We are going to hang out today for a few hours at his pool. We literally haven’t seen each other without a crowd since 2007. I am not even sure what he looks like now. I have no idea how much he has changed since his life was turned upside down right after we stopped talking. I can hear in his responses that he is different. Years have passed, wounds have healed. There is a lot that I have to say, to be honest and get it out there. There is so much that I didn’t tell him that I want to now. The few people I have talked to about this have mixed reviews on how they feel. Some feel this is our fate while others think that we would always end up the way that we did. What matters this time is how I feel. For right now I feel like it will be a conversation with an old friend but I would be lying to say that I am not afraid that he is going to take his shirt off at the pool and I am going to attack! I am keeping my mind open but my legs closed;-) To Be Continued…

To my BFF

2010-06-01T23:11:00.002-05:00

Gilith-

I can’t believe that you are 32 today. It seems like just yesterday we were peeing under my neighbor’s deck, as to not have to go inside and possibly have our play time cut short. I look back at the photo of you pulling me through my walker as a baby and it is hard to believe we have been together our whole lives. I can’t remember a childhood birthday without you. I am pretty sure every holiday of our lives we have spent together unless one or both of us were out of town. I remember the day the photo was taken outside of Chucky Cheese for my 4th birthday. You, me, Stacy and Lora were so close; and then there were 2. I remember the surprise 10th birthday party that you told my mom was probably not a good idea. Your huge backyard parties were so much fun. Your dad was always a huge part of the entertainment. It is so weird, but I remember the wallpaper and carpeted kitchen of your parent’s house in the old neighborhood. Our gum collection on under your parent’s steps is still there and I am not going to lie, I am damn proud of it!

How many 4th of July’s did we almost blow each other or someone else up? Camping, first as two families and then with our dad’s when we got into Indian Princess. I will never forget Trout Lodge or the Cottonwood cabin there. (“M&M, that spells Mmmmm, Mmmm is the sound that I make when I eat them. When I die…bury me in M&M’s”) How about the time that we got our dad’s to dance to Beastie Boys, complete with a light show from our flashlights? I bet my dad and yours could still sing Fight for Your Right. Oh, and the Trout Lodge Trip where you ate a bag of Tootsie Rolls and then jumped on the bed! You did indeed throw up ON me at dinner but I got you back years later in a drunken stupor. I loved that you told me the next morning that not only did I puke on you and my parents white couch but that you knew it was Tootsie Roll payback and you were cool with it. My dad taking a leaky tent was a classic camping moment too. If he had listened to us that it leaked he would have been as dry as we were the next morning;-)

I still love that we plotted against our parents in our pre-teen years. We said we would plaster our walls with NKOTB and talk about nothing else until they let us go to the concert. Then we caught my dad in a weak, drunken moment and convinced him that if we stood in line for tickets, he would take us. He has no idea how much we loved them, did he? I still remember the look of shock on his face when we came back from the mall with 26th row, center seats at Busch Stadium. How cool was he in his multi-pocketed Bugle Boy jeans? I remember the ‘No Camera’ sign and our hearts breaking and then my dad, cool as a cucumber smuggling the camera in one of his many pockets. We have photos of Jordan’s shirt blowing up because of my dad! My favorite part of that experience, other than sharing it with you and my daddy, was when they asked my dad to get down off of his chair. He was so excited!

That was the last time we agreed on music until our 20’s. We never liked the same boy. We may have fancied one or 2 back in the day but NKOTB was the closest we came to liking the same boy. Well and that guy in the VW bug that we both checked out and were shocked to find the other interested in. Junior high was the first time we attended the same school. I was so excited to see you in the halls and know we could chat at lunch. Our differences became more apparent during this time but our similarities were solid. We have history and much love. We were total opposites in high school. I guess I was labeled“prep” and you ran with the “freak” crowd. Isn’t it amazing that none of that mattered to either of us? Your friends were cool to me and my friends loved you.

As we grew up and spent less time together, our bond has never broken. When you announced that you were moving to Colorado I felt like my life had shattered. I knew we would always be friends but my heart was broken. Our road trip to move you to Colorado in the VW bus will live in infamy. From the hotel in Salina, Kansas where we lined the floor with towels so we wouldn’t walk on the carpet; to the 2 hours that we silently loved Bob Marley on our final drive into Denver. Fate showed me you belonged there when you got a job at a vegetarian restaurant the day I left town. When you met David, I could hear in your voice that he was “the one”. When I met David I told you if I had seen him on the street I would have known he was your future husband.

Even though you went to catholic school and you were raised in a good and loving home I know you learned a lot from being around my crazy family; probably a lot of what not to do. I learned what a loving family was first from your parents and then from Leigh’s. My history and my entire life is wrapped up in my friendship with you. You are my chosen sister, my best friend and my soul mate. I love that your 2 year old son looks at my picture and knows that I am mommy’s friend, Toni. I love that I could call you at any time, any place and know you will be there to listen. I love that our families still celebrate the holidays and all major events together. I love that I can call your mom for anything and know she will be there for me too. I love that when I can’t remember something about my life (which is rare) I can call you and you always know what I am talking about. I love that there are jokes and phrases that will forever be ours. I love that I can’t watch:
The Breakfast Club
16 Candles
Pretty In Pink
Some Kind of Wonderful
Steel Magnolias
The Incredible Shrinking Woman
My Chauffer
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
The Princess Bride
Pretty Woman
St. Elmo’s Fire…without thinking of you. I love that we could have an entire conversation strictly quoting these movies and pretty much only you and I would know it. I love that we talk at least once a week still. I love that you are still the first person that I want to tell good news to. I love that you are in love, with both your husband and your son, and you are living the life I always dreamed of for you. I love, more than anything, that when I called you today I could hear your sleepy voice. I knew you had just gotten up from a nap and you knew that I knew, just by your voice. I love that we can sit silently for hours on end and not feel uncomfortable. I love that we can complete each other’s sentences and confuse those around us.

You are the most fantastic, loving, giving and trusting soul I have ever met. You have softened my heart in ways that you cannot imagine. You have taught me many life lessons, along with your family and you are all a huge part of my family forever. You are my real life Mother Theresa and Gandhi. You are everything that is goodness in this world to me. My parents see you, and now your husband and son, as their own. You are my family, my heart and everything I strive to be. Thank you for always loving me, accepting me and knowing when to tell me I am totally fucking up. I hope that you have an amazing 32nd year. I hope it brings you much love, laughter and peace. And perhaps a red headed little girl to match the little boy;-)

I love you, Friend,

Ybsorc

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

2010-05-26T22:00:00.002-05:00

Last Tuesday night I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I always swore I would never set foot in the place. My old roommate Sarah joined Weight Watchers 3 years ago and we affectionately called it Dub Dub. Sarah and I had lived together for about 5 years when she started Dub Dub. I had seen her try many diets in the course of our friendship but she insisted this was not a diet. She has been heavy her whole life and even she would tell you that she was, cute-in-the-face-Sarah. That is what everyone used to tell her. She is gorgeous in the face but she is also a beautiful person on the inside. I have talked before about our discovery of totally different eating styles and how we both learned a lot from each other in that regard. After Sarah started Dub Dub we would watch The Biggest Loser and cry together over other people’s stories of success and failure in weight loss. I saw the determination in her eyes and there was no doubt that she would do it, she would be a success at weight loss.

The changes were small at first. Sarah started making breakfast for herself. No matter how much time she had, she ate every morning. It was usually an english muffin with peanut butter or an egg. Starting her day off with that extra kick of energy made a difference right away. Then she started planning lunch and dinner ahead of time. She was preparing so she would not splurge. In her previous life she had a long love affair with fast-food and I know that was a hard habit for her to break. She attended meetings weekly and stuck to Dub Dub’s plan. She dropped 40 pounds pretty quickly. There were plateaus and weeks where she would gain but she kept going. She portioned her food, counted her points and made a lifestyle change for herself. She learned not to treat herself with food but with other loves. For her first 25 pound milestone she bought shoes. It became a theme for her and it encouraged her fellow Dub girls to consider ways to reward themselves.

When I moved from Sarah’s house last year she was probably at 50 pounds lost, which was a weight I had seen her at before. She looked great but she was also still forging ahead in her weight loss. She had taken a job at Petsmart and was stocking shelves of 20 and 40 pound bags of dog food and cat litter. I didn’t see Sarah for a few months after I moved. When I did see her again, I hardly recognized her. She was absolutely stunning. She was confident. She was sassy. She was thinner than I had ever seen her. She was wearing clothes that fit! I was amazed by her transformation. She has a hard time with strong reactions to her weight loss because she is still the same person inside. While she sees the change, she is amazed every time at how others react to her. I think a part of one’s mind always sees themselves in a certain way. Time will show Sarah that she can let go of that old mind set.

Last Tuesday night Dub Dub asked Sarah to speak at success night. I wanted to surprise her and just show up and it worked out perfectly. Sarah’s mom also came to support her. There were about 8 speakers, all with heartbreaking and uplifting stories of their own. I always thought I would invoke daggers by walking into a weight watchers but I soon realized that there are no assumptions. One of the women who spoke was a size 6 with the greatest set of legs I have ever seen. When she pulled out her size 22 pants I could not believe my eyes. She has lost over 100 pounds and just recently rewarded herself with a tummy tuck. She was my proof that people of all sizes seek out support in weight loss. Maybe karma brought me here because of my fat people rant????

There were many more inspiring stories that night but none that brought out my waterworks like watching my former roommate tell her story. I feel almost like it is our story. She talked about what she learned. They were staples in her vocabulary for the past 3 years but hearing them out loud to the crowd was awe inspiring. She always says, “There are no bad foods, just bad decisions”. She basically spoke about everyone making mistakes and how you have to forgive yourself and let each day be new. She made a joke about losing her Dub Dub pass in an Entenmanns’s donut box, which was verified by her fellow meeting attendees. She showed off her 75 pound shoes and talked about rewards and staying the course. She was funny, she captured the audience and she inspired many. Her mom leaned over when she had finished and said, “Look how skinny her legs are” in my ear. I was bawling like a baby. I don’t think I could be more proud if I were her mother. I dare say I was more proud than her mother. I was with her during the bad times and I was so proud to be with her during the good.

Sarah has lost and maintained a total of 80 pounds in the past 3 years. She says there was no bigger moment than one night by herself at the Pmart, as she calls it; she was carrying two 40 pound bags of dog food. She was huffing and puffing along and then she stopped dead in her tracks. With this added 80 pounds she was carrying the weight that she used to be. That moment showed her how hard weight is on your body. She was now bending under the strain of what she used to carry with her daily. I firmly believe that Dub Dub is not a diet but a total change of life. Once you meet, and as long as you maintain your goal, you are a lifetime member. Many of those people continue to attend meetings for the support and understanding. They also serve as a great inspiration. I don’t know what Sarah’s ‘number’ is but I know she is getting closer and it gets harder at the end. I also know she is forging ahead. Once at goal I think she should become a Dub Dub rep. They already know how lucky they would be. I am not going to lie, Dub Dub impressed me but my friend Sarah impressed me more.

Another Fairwell

2010-05-21T20:15:00.002-05:00

I walked thru the doors the first time with my sister and her real estate agent the day she took possession back in 2004. I was working for Wells Fargo and I actually did her loan. The Bo-man and I moved in shortly after. We had 2 gay boys and 2 dogs in the basement at some point during that year, probably from March to September. I moved to Colorado from August to October of 2004. When I came back from Colorado , I lived with Rachel for 1 year. In late August of 2005 I returned home to 2048 Westbrook for the final time.

In November of 2005, my sister was accepted to Law School in Michigan . This was her dream and she considered passing it up because of her responsibility to the house. I told her to go and we would work it out. Sarah and I lived together from 2002 until my first run at 2048 Westbrook in 2004. Our parting was not fantastic but we salvaged our friendship and moved on. Sarah was living with a friend and needed a place. I was in my sister’s house by myself after she left for school. Sarah moved in around early 2006. In April of 2006, Sarah bought 2048 Westbrook from my sister. I also did her loan.

Sarah lost her job shortly after purchasing the house. It needed major work when she bought it and without a job, she had no means to fix it up. Sarah and I lived together at 2048 Westbrook from early 2006 until April of last year (2009) when I moved in with CL. There were many memories in the house before Sarah moved in. My sister, her ex Jamie and I had a great time living there. It was my first time living with lesbians and I still plan to write a book on that. We were the gay after party hot spot for many years. We had family Christmas and many friendly bbq’s. The memories continued after Sarah moved in. My friend Kari was forced to seek shelter one summer when her power was out for days in 100 degree heat. She affectionately renamed 2048 Westbrook, The Overland Westin. Sarah and I had a huge joint birthday/housewarming party in 2006. All of our friends were there and I fondly remember it as one of our best times in that house.

For the better part of the last 6 years I have lived in that house with either my sister or Sarah. There are memories there that will last a lifetime. We befriended the neighbors when my sister lived there and continued our connection after she was gone. Our favorite, Brad, is a drunken idiot who would randomly wake up at 3pm and ask if you could drive him to the corner bar to get his car. He had many a drunken and rowdy bbq’s but we still loved him. About 3 years ago Brad put a huge stuffed bunny in the back of Sarah’s truck. She just looked in her rear view one day and there was a huge bunny. Only Brad would do that. This thing is almost 4 feet tall and bigger around than me. We kept it to someday prank him back.

Last night was curtain call at 2048 Westbrook. Sarah is moving out. It feels like the end of an era. As we packed up the last of her stuff and took it to storage, Brad heckled us from his driveway. He was drunk and belligerent but that is how he shows his love. We smoked a final bowl in the living room, as a toast to 2048 Westbrook. We even tried to call my sister on speaker phone so she could share in the moment but she did not answer. We hid the giant bunny in Brad’s front bush, facing Brown Road so all of the neighbors can have a laugh. We loaded up the dogs, shut down the lights and I closed the door 1 final time. It was perfect and just as it should have been. Sarah, the kids and me for one final call.

It would be a lie to say that I did not shed a tear. This is a huge part of my past, my history and my relationships with both my sister and Sarah. There were bad things that happened there, many, but all I can seem to remember right now is the good. There were a lot of laughs, a lot of love and a family that we all needed so desperately. I feel very lucky to have had the experiences that I did at 2048 Westbrook. I am grateful for that time with my sister. I am glad that Sarah and I have now mended our fences twice after living together. Our friendship is stronger than ever and I am so proud of her. Of course we both got a good laugh at the massive bunny in our rear view mirrors as we drove away.

“Laugher thru tears is my favorite emotion”~ Miss Truvy.

So long 2048 Westbrook, shout out to the 114 and the comfort of the Overland Westin. Thanks for the memories, they will live on in my heart and mind forever.

P.S. The 114 is the last 3 digets of the zip code. It was our shout out to our hood back in the day!

P.P. S. Today when Sarah went to do the final walk thru and Brad was leaving his house. He pulled out of the driveway, put the car in park in the street and got out screaming “God damn it, Sarah” as his fiancé laughed her face off. I wonder who old Peter Rabbit will end up with next?

Resort Style Living...

2010-05-12T20:23:00.002-05:00

You have all heard about my best friend, Manda, who lives in the mountains with her husband, their baby and her brother. I wrote this post last year about her trekking buckets of water up the mountain so she could flush her toilet and boil it to drink. This story actually rivals that one, if you can believe it.

So Manda calls me Monday morning on my way into work. I was concerned because she never calls me in the morning. (I am not really what you would call a “morning person”) She tells me she has another exciting chapter to add to “Resort Style Living”, which is what we call her humble abode tucked high on that mountain. She goes on to explain that her, her husband and baby were watching a movie Sunday night and the boys fell asleep. Manda saw the motion sensor in the backyard (mountain side) and thought that one of their cats was back there wanting in. She went to the door and almost swung it open when she saw a massive black butt. There was a black BEAR on her patio!!!! She ran to wake David and by the time they came back to the door, the bear was gone. David cursed himself for leaving the trash can outside (in the mountains you have to bring your trash in) and knew that was the reason the bear was drawn to them. ("Stupid human", David said. LMAO!)

After about 5 minutes of Manda and David continuing to watch outside, the bear returned to pillage the trash for food. This is the time that bears are coming out of winter hibernation and they are hungry. The previous owners told them that around this time each year a bear would come down and eat the fruit from their trees that had fallen on the ground. They told them he had never tried to harm them or anyone that they knew of but to be careful. Manda says neither she nor David got a bad vibe from the bear. (?????) He seemed satisfied with the trash and retreated up the mountain.

Manda’s little brother has a cabin on their land as well. He has no bathroom in his cabin so he usually comes up each night to the main house to take out his contacts and brush his teeth. Manda did not want him coming up and being surprised by a huge black bear. Their phone line is set up at their house and Justin’s cabin so incoming calls ring at both. Because they are using the same phone line, Manda could not call Justin to warn him. Their phone system does, however, allow them to transfer calls to the cabin. It was 1am mountain time at this point, so it was 2am in St. Louis . Manda called her other brother who lives here in the Lou and is always out partying late. She then transferred him to the cabin to tell Justin about the bear. Of course, after all of that trouble, he was not home. She called the local bar, which is the only other option of where he could be and they did not answer. She worried all night that Justin would try to come up and get accosted by a bear.

Monday morning Justin did come up. He said the moonlight was shining on the mountain when he got home and he saw all kinds of trash so he assumed there was a bear (clever mountain folks!) so he just went to his cabin. They are in the process now of discussing building a wooden, lockable trash can to avoid this issue in the future. In the meantime, Manda and baby Oliver will be playing inside for a good little while. I asked her as we were hanging up what she thinks of “resort style living” now. She said they are fine and will get used to their new massive friend. I told her not to go making friend with him. She’s like that. I bet he has a name by week’s end.

P.S. After writing this post, I spoke to Manda. The bear has been back, even when the dogs were outside and there have been no issues. Baby Oliver has slept through both appearances so he has yet to feast his eyes on his new beastly friend. She already seems to be softening to the idea of a friendly bear!

Random Dozen

2010-05-02T15:10:00.003-05:00

1. Have you ever been so lost that you were really afraid?

Not that I can recall. I usually purposely get lost in a new place so I am forced to find my way back. Somehow that helps me remember the way a bit better. The first time I missed the last downtown St. Louis exit and ended up in East St. Louis, Illinois I did freak out, cry and call my dad but I was in high school.

2. Have you ever been to an island?

When I was in the first grade we went to California and took a bottomless boat to Catalina Island. It stormed, causing high seas, and I will certainly never forget it. There was an island at Trout Lodge where we used to camp when I was a kid. Manda and I used to love going over there by ourselves.

3. Are you more of a thinker or feeler?

I think I am equal parts of both. I analyze everything thoroughly but my heart rules most of the time because I do feel very deeply.

4. Do you tend to see issues or situations in life as black and white or shades of gray?

Almost always grey. I can see both sides of most things. I am very passionate about certain causes though and sometimes the only explaination for some peoples opinions is stupidity. Seeing grey is really helping in my debate class!

5. If you were stuck on an island, what book would you hope to have with you (Let's pretend the Bible is already there, so you can't say that.)

Roots. It is a long book and there is much to miss on your first few reads. I would have never even considered the Bible, honestly.

6. What are you most afraid of?

A painful death, rape and not fulfilling my potential. Being alone forever.

7. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?

I would rather die than do either of these. My past made me into who I am and my future will overcome it all.

8. Pretend I'm looking at a scrapbook page about you. There are three spaces for you to drop in individual pictures. What are those pictures of, and why did you select them?

My dog because he is my main man.
All of my friends because they are my best memories
My family because they are a huge part of me

9. If you were re-doing your wedding, what would you do differently? (If you're single, tell me one thing you would do if you were planning a wedding OR huge party.)

I will run away to get married. I hate the idea of a big hoopla. I think you waste so much time planning for 1 night. You have to invite people you never see which takes time away from those that you want to see. I am not that girl who dreamed of her wedding day. I don’t need a dress, I don’t need a church, all I need is a loving partner and an exotic beach location.

10. Tell me one thing you know/believe about forgiveness.

Forgiveness releases the person who is doing the forgiving from the one who has wronged them. To forgive is to save yourself. The other person more than likely could care less.

11. You're waiting in a doctor's office. What is your favorite way to pass that time?

I try to bring a book but I usually forget.

12. If there were a clone of you in a parallel universe what is one way you hope she/he would be the same as you and one way you hope she/he would be better?

I would hope she has my passion and fire for life. Perhaps the “other” me could not take things so personally all of the time and has a better idea of knowing when to say enough is enough and walk away.

"Mr. Speaker, our Nation depends on immigrants' labor, and I hope we can create an immigration system as dependable as they are."~Luis Gutierriz

2010-04-29T21:04:00.004-05:00

Aren’t we all immigrants?

Liberty and Justice FOR ALL, huh? Really?

Has anyone thought about what this Arizona immigration law could lead to?

How many Hispanic American citizens will lose their businesses because their LEGAL CITIZEN patrons are scared to leave their homes for fear of police or government interference with their life?

What about all of the jobs that the Americans are too good to do that WE brought illegal Mexicans here to do 20 years ago?

What about the American citizens of mixed decent that will be unjustly terrorized for this?

Is it really ok now for the US Government to detain people for absolutely no reason?

This law could be in effect as early as August, IF it passes the proper channels. (PrayingtoBabyJesusthatdoesnothappen)

I, for one, will never visit Arizona again.

I say the supporters should be the first to be implanted with the new government tracking chip.

Let the government track their every move.

Let’s see how they like it…

Fat America

2010-04-29T20:31:00.002-05:00

I am fired up today and I am blogging it out. I am so tired of fat people who do nothing but whine and cry about how fat they are. I might piss some people off with this post and I rather hope I do. At least that would mean that the subject is important to others. I understand that both health and genetics take part in many weight issues. I am skinny partly because of my Crohn’s Disease. I don’t think that health issues can always be an excuse though, and certainly not the whole excuse. Just like I have to adhere to a certain diet to maintain my disease, others are responsible to do the same.

Why is it that you mostly see the fat people taking the elevator but the skinny people take the stairs? I find this a lot at my new job. Why do fat people ride in carts at stores when they need the exercise more than any of us? I don’t want to hear the old “bad knee” excuse either because their knees would be fine if it weren’t for the extra hundreds of pounds that some are carrying. Then they want a handicapped sticker for their bad knees and big lazy asses. These are the same folks who starve themselves on a diet only to cave to a soda and candy bar half way through the day. As you can see, I am pretty disgusted. These people are raising Fat America. Eating habits as a child most definitely carry into adult life. I was only recently able to break my family tradition of Velveeta cheese dip as a meal. I understand these things can be hard but I am tired of the whining.

These are the same people who exclaim “oh, you are so skinny”, “how do you stay so skinny?”, “why would you walk in this heat?”, “you eat tofu?”, “are you going to waste all of that food?” I could go on and on. I used to be offended at being called skinny. After all, skinny is connected to sickness. But guess what? I am skinny. I accept it. I work every day to maintain my weight but I will most likely always be how I am. I can accept someone being overweight if they make an effort to be healthy. If they are not eating ice cream and drinking soda all day long, complaining about how fat they are. Just for fun, I am going to answer some of those ridiculous questions though. Sometimes I want to answer people when they ask but my response might sound as shallow as their question.

1. “Oh, you are so skinny” (not a question but I’m gonna address it)---I am thin. I do have Crohn’s disease but I also have a very healthy lifestyle and diet. I take care of myself as best as I can and I think I look fantastic compared to where I have been in the past.

2. “How do you stay so skinny”---I eat pretty healthy. I do eat all of the time but small snacks, not huge meals. I like rice cakes, soy beans, nuts, fruit and cheese to snack on (not gonna lie, I eat crap but I am good most of the time)

3. “Why would you walk in this heat?---Well, I enjoy walking and hiking immensely. I feel at one with nature, spirits and myself so it is more like therapy to me than exercise because I CHOOSE FOR IT TO BE.

4. “You eat tofu?”---I not only eat it, I like it. However, I have no idea how to cook it. Changing my eating habits came as a result of my Crohn’s but I could not be happier. I feel healthier and I am getting way more protein without all of the hormones and bacteria. (Eat that fatty!) I would choose a veggie dog or black bean burger over the real thing any day.

5. “Are you going to waste all of that food”- Noooooooo…because small meals are how I roll, I will wrap it up and take it home for later. If something is good enough I have been known to eat it 5-6 consecutive meals in a row. I eat to live, I don’t live to eat. (Shout out to Koli from The Biggest Loser, although I mixed his words, he said “these people are eating to live and we are living to eat.” Profound to me, I tell you.)

There is a reason I feel so passionate about this; my old roommate, Sarah, has been a big girl her whole life. Living together was an eye opening experience for us both in regard to food. We both noticed little things that were different about our eating habits and we were not afraid to discuss it. I will put something down after having taken just a few bites if I am done with it. In Sarah’s house growing up that was wasteful and you could not be wasteful. She had a twin brother who was rather sickly so it was her job to finish what he did not eat. At first she was very bothered by what she considered to be my waste but then she realized that I really do eat most things later. And if I didn’t, my attitude was, “oh, well, it’s just food.” One night I bought a box of Entenmann’s crumble top donuts, triple chocolate; the big box. I ate one and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning the box was in the trash. Sarah had gotten up in the middle of the night and eaten all of the donuts. That thought never even crossed my mind. I can barely eat one. I had to ask her what made her do it and for a long time, she didn’t have an answer. When we talked later she said that as a kid growing up with 5 kids in the house you had to fight for your food. In her house, if you liked something, you had better eat it all because it would not be there when you came back. I just could not fathom what she was telling me. I had 1 sister and we had different tastes so this was all new for me.

Sarah and I got hooked on The Biggest Loser shortly after that. We would sing the theme song (“What have you done today to make you feel proud?”) and I could see in her eyes that she wanted to try to start losing weight. She used to get the classic, “oh, but you are so pretty in the face” all of the time. Pretty-in-the-face- Sarah started Weight Watchers (we affectionately refer to it as “dub dub”) about a year and a half ago. She is down 85 pounds and holding. She has drastically changed her eating habits and gets way more exercise now. I am so proud of her. She recognized that she can control it and it feels good to do so. She has always been a very happy person and many people like her. The best thing for me is to see how much she likes herself now. I would love to see more of the world take on a Sarah attitude.

This all started because I was behind a very large woman at work today as she shuffled to the elevator and I was trying to go around her to the stairs. She made it down before I did and I could hear her breathing and feel the friction from her thighs rubbing together as we walked. It happens all of the time, unfortunately. I think most frequently I see the fat person in the cart bit. That one really gets me. Today was just the day I had to blow.

An attitude of gratitude

2010-04-25T10:45:00.003-05:00

Ahhhh, Sunday morning, welcome back. You are like a long hug from an old friend. Maybe it is because this is my only day to sleep in and do what I want each week. I have work Monday-Friday and a full day of school on Saturday so Sunday is MY day. I woke up rather early today after having fallen asleep on the couch from a Xanax induced coma last night. I had a headache, my back was hurting and I just needed to chill. That is exactly what I did. I had a great IM chat with my gay husband via Facebook. Unbelievable that we were both home and on the computer on a Saturday night but also a sign of us growing up. Back in the day we would have watched the sun come up together as we exited the club. Oh, how things change.

Somehow today I was the first one up in the house. Ferg has the kids this weekend and that usually means the little one is screaming and banging shit on the floor at ungodly hours. Not today. I got up, went to the grocery store and came back to a still sleeping house at 9:30am. When they did get up they ate, changed and headed out the door. This is unusual for Sunday so I asked where they were going. Ferg's answer: "To church, there is a lot to be grateful for lately" Indeed, there is, my friend. I had just been down in my dungeon apartment contemplating that same thing. I have compiled a list for your viewing pleasure. Every once in a while it is nice to do a mental check of what you have and be grateful. One of my favorite Sheryl Crow songs says it all "It's not having what you want; it's wanting what you've got". So here goes...

I am grateful for all of the basic things that we don't really think about much: food, clean water (some don't have water at all), my health and that of my family, a place to live, a job to work at and lots of amazing people in my life

I am grateful for my spirit guides who have been on one hell of a ride with me for the past 6 months. I always feel their guidance and love and I am finally learning to LISTEN.

I am grateful that my sister is back from school. I am grateful that we are close again. I am grateful that she has found the love of her life and is truly happier than I can ever remember her being.

I am grateful that I made the effort to talk to my dad and my expectations of him are almost gone completely. I have accepted that he is what he is and that is best for us all.

I am grateful for my old friends as well as the new ones who have supported and loved me more than I probably deserved sometimes. I am truly blessed to have so many long and deep friendships with so many fantastic people.

I am grateful for my new job and the sense of security that has come with it. I have great co-workers and that is half of the battle with a job as far as I am concerned.

I am grateful for my 31 year friendship with Manda and the sisterhood that has formed from it. I would not be the person that I am without her constant positive attitude and influence.

I am grateful for all of my extended families. Leigh's parents, the Gramlich's and Manda's parents, the Theilig's. I don't think they have any idea how much a part of me that they are.

I am grateful to have loved and lost. I think I am ready to date again. I know that kissing all of these toads is going to make finding my prince that much sweeter.

I am grateful for Ferg and my living situation. I wasn't sure when I moved in how it was going to go and I don't think he was either. We work really well together. I have lived with many very good girlfriends. This is the first guy I have lived with that I was not dating and it is my best living situation yet.

I am grateful for my Bo Bo dog. My constant companion and friend. I can't believe he will be 7 this year. Time flies, for sure.

I am so grateful to CL for being a coward and releasing me from the prison that was that relationship. It is funny how much you don't see until you are free.

I am grateful for school. Not just for the education and the experience but for the lesson in life and culture that I am getting. I should have done this years ago.

I am grateful for my mom and the lessons she taught me about independence, self reliance and strength of character.

I am grateful to this blog for giving me a place to vent and also a way to meet many amazing people that I otherwise would not have met.

I am grateful to myself for having the knowledge and strength to do what I want, when I want and not look back. I could not be more proud of me right now.

I am sure there is more but I am ready to go enjoy my ME day. Happy Sunday to all!

Peace and Love,
T

Yo Viv, babe!

2010-04-23T19:16:00.001-05:00

I woke up today thinking of you
I felt you with me, so I know you were thinking of me too

Today you would have turned 31
I can’t help but reflect on our memories and fun

So many times we laughed until we cried
It always felt good to have my best girl by my side

You took me in when I had no place to go
You showed me what home was; and you all loved me so

It is hard to believe that 10 years has passed by
I don’t see our girls much but oh, how we try!

We are forever connected by you in this life
I wish you could see each fantastic mommy and wife

Your parents are still the gift that they always were
Your other buddies are good too; the ones with the fur

You have Pop Sickels now, with you
I can’t imagine the reunion last week between you two

Everyone is well and taking care if each other
Especially the glue that holds us, your awesome mother

I miss you like hell, each and every day
Even though we are together in our own special way

I will celebrate this weekend, in honor of your day
Knowing that someday again we will laugh and play

I might even go crazy and pick up a boy
In honor of our little streak of joy

Happy Birthday, my friend

I love you

"Put that in your blog and smoke it"

2010-04-18T12:25:00.004-05:00

I am so glad that the week has come to an end. I am looking forward to Monday for a fresh start. How sad is that? Life has just been a nauseating rolling coaster lately. This is going to have to be a full week recap so settle in with a beverage and enjoy my crazy life. On Monday I saw my dad for the first time since Christmas. It is crazy that he used to be my best friend and now I feel like I don't even know who he is. I was THE daddy's girl growing up. It took me until my teens to see my dad for the womanizing pig that he really is. Through my 20's I struggled with my idea of him and what I knew him to be. Recently I have realized at 31 years old that I don't have to deal with his shit like I did when I was 12 and my mom had left. I don't have to stroke his ego. I don't have to make excuses for the downright ridiculous and bigoted things he says. (Yes Me, queen of the underdogs, was raised by a bigot) I don't have to hide his affairs or lie about where he is. I don't have to school this grown man on what is right and wrong anymore. Let that be his wife's job. I did my fair share of trying to raise him and I am finished. I was recently writing a letter about my strained relationship with my dad and I realized that he has not changed, I have. He is still a womanizing bigot. He still gives a compliment and takes it away in the same breath. He still plays mind games and fucks with people just for fun. I am the one that does not engage anymore. I won't talk about my sister which is a subject of contention. They didn't speak for almost 8 years after she went to college. During that time, he would ask about her and I would tell him what was going on. When he stopped talking to her again 4 years ago, I stopped telling him anything. She graduated law school, moved back to the Lou and began practicing law in the same municipality that he works in and he didn't hear it from me. Oh, he was pissed. My dad also likes to gossip about all of my friends and old friends. Because the things I have said in the past somehow make it back to people very skewed, I have chosen to not engage in this little game either. It leaves us with little to talk about since dad and his wife don't leave their house. My old roomy, Sarah, came for dinner. I almost think my dad liked it better when we were not getting along and he could pit us against each other. I felt like conversation at dinner was strained. It was weird to be there, honestly. I reached out to him because we hadn't spoken in months. It will probably be another few months if I don't make all of the effort and that pisses me off. I love him. He's my dad. But sometimes I really don't like him.

Tuesday night I had plans to walk at the local park. They have a lake with a path that is 3.7 miles around. I picked up Bo after work and met my friend Nicole at the park. We made it 1/4 of a mile and I stopped to go to the bathroom. When I came out I realized my keys were not in my pocket. We turned around and retraced our steps but did not see them on the ground. We walked back to the car in hopes that I left them there. No such luck. We walked the path again and no keys. Nicole drove around in her car to find a ranger after that while I chilled with Bo. No ranger, no keys...fuck! Nicole is one of the cleanest people I know. I hated to put my 110 pound horse dog in her car but there was no choice. Nicole drove us home to get my spare set and we dropped off Bo. Then back to the park for my car and I insisted on buying dinner for Nicole. She refused until she remembered that the bar LOST her debit card on Saturday and she was at my mercy:-) They did find and return her card, btw. AND our tab was free, obviously! Sadly, I was not so lucky with my keys. I called the park and the police the next day and they assured me they will contact me if they find them. I had a mini breakdown over it and then I was fine. They are just keys.

Wednesday I took a ride out to my mom's in the country with my sister. She and her wife go to Mexico each year for their anniversary (I know, sappy ass gays) and my mom and aunt were watching her dog, Marilyn. It was a fun ride just hanging with my sissy. She was fired up about many things that have her panties in a bunch lately. She mostly will not let me blog about her life as indicated here. Anyhoodle, she was all fired up about something (I honestly don't remember what) and she says, "yeah, so put that in your blog and smoke it", hence the AWESOME headline! Every once in a while she comes out with a doozy. So we had dinner in the country with my mom, aunt and the cheating, lying, no good bastard my mother is legally tied to at the moment (more on that later, I think I am ready to tell all) and then we promptly headed home. My sister was leaving for Mexico Friday at the asscrack of dawn and needed to pack still.

Thursday was my first chill night at home in weeks. Life has just been go, go, go lately and I needed a minute to regroup. I had papers for school to write, laundry to be done and Facebooking to be caught up on. It was actually an excellent night for all of that. My shows (Greys Anatomy and Private Practice) were repeats, which bummed me out but forced me to do something else so it worked out.

Friday my sister called at 4am and I answered "what do you want?" I had agreed to drive her, the wife and their pocket gay to the airport at stupid o'clock that morning. She said "I want a ride to the airport, bitch. Get up!" It was hell. I'm not gonna lie. I am not a morning person but the STL International airport is 10 minutes from my house so I always end up being the airport shuttle bitch. Although, good gifts usually return to me from exotic locations for payment! We will see how good this gift is before I forgive 4am. Friday night I exercised restraint and stayed away from the many offers I had to drink. I came home and did school work. I was very proud of myself!

Saturday I had class. I was a bit pissy in the morning for some reason. In my 2nd class we are doing a group project so no class; just meet with your group. That was quick and painless. I met my girl Nicole at my house at 2 and we drove out to Illinois to a bar called Fast Eddie's. It is good, cheap bar food and people drive from the surrounding states to eat and drink there. My friend, Gina, was celebrating her birthday. The weather was awesome and they have a fantastic patio. We hung out until around 6ish and headed back to the MO. My roomy's brother was celebrating his birthday so we stopped by for a drink and a hello. We managed to drink from 3 until midnight without really getting drunk or crazy, which is amazing when Nicole and I are teamed up. I was really proud of us!

Today is starting as a lazy and leisurely day. I have a going away party at 4 for a friend. Then at 7:30 I agreed to sub on another friends' sand volleyball team. I know it will be fun but Sunday is MY day. I like to chill and do what I want. I don't really want to be getting home at 10 tonight but I already told her I would do it so I'm screwed. I think I am going to pull myself out of my comfy robe and slippers and go Goodwill shopping and run some fun errands today. That will make me feel better about no chill time tonight. I have a few new books that I have been looking forward to starting too so I need to get on that.

Some news of note this week:

President Obama signed a bill making it ok for same sex couples to visit each other in the hospital as well as make medical decisions for one another! This is a huge step for equality!

Melissa and Tammy Lynn Etheridge split. I subscribe to Tammy's blog so I knew before it made headlines. That makes me sad.

Flights over Europe were suspended due to volcanic ash.

Larry King somehow managed to schtoop his beautiful and much younger wife's sister. WTF?

The Polish president and many important figures died in a place crash.

One of my favorite shows, Ugly Betty, had it's series finalle (sad face here) BUT talks are on to make it a movie! I love Justin, the young gay nephew Betty has. They must revive this!

I think that is the full week wrapped up in this one pretty little blog. I hope you all have a fantastic Sunday and rest of your week. I promise to try to be a better blogger in the future!

Peace and Love,
T

Easter Update

2010-04-11T10:48:00.004-05:00

This working and blogging thing is for the birds. Can someone please just pay me to blog and read celebrity smut all day, please? Anyhoodle, Easter Sunday was an amazing day! It was sunny and almost 70 degrees in the Lou. My mom lives way out in the country on 5 acres of land that connect to my aunts 5 acres. Mom has a creek that runs through her backyard so we usually take a walk and enjoy the outdoors. I decided to take Bo with me because I hate to leave him home and he loves to run like a wild man. It has been a long time since he went to mom's with me. He is not allowed in the house so most dogs get tied to a tree on a chain when we are not outside. I tried a little something new this time. We ran and played for a while and then I went in the back door which is off of the deck. It was fully shaded and I left the sliding door open with the screen closed so he could still hear and see me. Bo laid at the backdoor all during Easter lunch and any other time that we were not outside with him. He was so good. My sister's dog will take off like a crazy woman if she is not on a leash. Bo had no interest in leaving me. He usually doesn't so I can't say I am totally surprised but after that display of control, Bo will be joining me any place that allows dogs from now on. He weighs as much, if not more than I do so controlling him has always scared me a bit. He does great on walks and now I know he is good in the open country too.

My mom's neighbors have 1 big horse and one of those little mini pony things. Bo was intrigued but I kept saying no so he would back off. After a while I felt like a parent keeping their kid from fun so I told him to go check them out.

He was super slow moving at first.
Nice and easy so nobody gets hurt.

This was the closest that he managed to get. That little pony is mean so it is probably a good thing.

Me and my main man.

The ladies of the family: Aunt Gloria, Mama n' Bo, Cousin Theresa, Cher and Jen

Bo Bo loving the creek

Suspect to anyone else? I am not 100% sure but mom's needs to make a call. She has lots of this growing by the creek.

Trying mom's hats on

My liver's letter of resignation

2010-04-11T10:25:00.003-05:00

Dear Stupid-Ass Wasted Hot Mess of a Drunk,

When you talk all day about how you are not going to drink, I can only assume that I have the night off. When you opted for the 1st vodka and Red Bull on Friday I thought you were just being social. After all, Saturday you have school and you are way too responsible to not do as you say and go home early to rest. You can see then why I was so shocked when you ordered 2, 3, and then 4 more. I started to kick you from within to let you know I did not appreciate getting called in at such late notice. Did that stop you? Did it even slow you down? Oh, hell no! You went to another bar and continued to drink until 3 am! I kept you up most of the night to teach you a lesson. I know your day at school was rough. I was unrelenting in my anger yesterday afternoon and into the evening.

So here is my big question, and then I will go. Why, you stupid bitch, why, did you start back with the vodka and Red Bull just a few hours later? Why did you disregard my hurt and pain and continue on with your destruction? You insulted the bar owner, almost fought a gang of people because you were stupid and let one of your best friends motorboat you, just for the hell of it. Not only that but you continued to drink through all of the dancing and mayhem. Just to prove that you have absolutely no sense, you went to yet another bar where the bartender is also a very good friend and completed your mission of fucking me up royally.

I have tried to be good to you over the years. Your early 20's were a nightmare but I survived. Never did I think in all of my years with you that you would be so out of control at 31 years old. You should be ashamed of yourself and you might need some help. Fuck you, bitch, I'm out.

Peace,

Yo Liva

Not so speedy delivery

2010-04-10T13:39:00.004-05:00

I got a call from my girl Manda in Colorado last night. Right away she asked for my correct address. I told her and she said "shit". Apparently Manda made me a nice homemade gift like she does frequently and mailed it off last week. The problem? She mailed it to to CL's house by mistake! She asked me for his number so she could call him and ask for him to send it back to her so she could send it to me. She is so sweet, always the glass half full type of girl, but he is the Cowardly Lion. I had serious doubts that he would answer his phone or call her back. After thinking over calling him, Manda called me back, seriously doubting that if he did answer or call back that he would be willing to mail the package back to her so she could mail it to me. I told her I doubted he would engage but if so to just instruct him to give the package to our mutual friend Gina and I would get it from her. I then texted Gina to inform her as well as apologize for dragging her into it.

Gina called me this afternoon. She called CL herself this morning and offered to go get my package. She had seriuos doubts about him responding to Manda too. He told her he has more stuff of mine (Mail, clothes, chipped off pieces of my broken heart? I digress.) and he offered to drop it all off to Gina tomorrow. I am really in shock. I mean the guy had already proven himself to be in the catagory of the lowest of the low so I wasn't expecting anything at all. I guess it is nice to know that he does have a little shred of decency left. Kind of sad but also noteworthy, when I told Gina I was shocked that he had a decent bone left in his body she told me not to get excited until my stuff is in her possession. That speaks volumes to what kind of friend and person CL has been to her.

Anystupidfuckwadsnotworthit, I will photograph and post my new homemade gift from Manda when it arrives as it is sure to rock! Oh, and she updated my address in her address book so this won't happen ever again. It is all really very funny actually.

Greener pastures?

2010-04-04T09:44:00.002-05:00

There is that old saying; you know "they" say whoever they are, that the grass is always greener on the other side. I have experienced envy in my life so I do understand this concept completely. However, it no longer applies here for some reason. Maybe with age has come wisdom but I can now see both the struggles and triumphs for most situations. I know this is shocking to those of you who don't know me IRL but I was a relationship girl up until my early 20's. From junior high through high school and beyond, I was always jumping from relationship to relationship. Not learning much about myself in between. After years of off and on with Sam, I decided to take a break. It was SO hard at first. I was used to having someone there all of the time and then there was no one. I was lonely, sad, mad and confused. I realized that I wrapped myself up in those other people and their lives as I jumped from relationship to relationship to keep filling the void left by the preceding mate. Once I really became one with singlehood I started to see the benefits of it. I do what I want, when I want. I don't consider anyone else's thoughts, wants, needs or opinions. If I don't want to do something, I don't. There is no guilt, sadness or pressure from someone else. I used to look at other couples during my single time and sort of covet what they had. Once you look a bit deeper you see what they truly have and unfortunately a lot of the time that leaves me wanting. A lot of people are downright miserable. Most relationships are an example of what I do NOT want or would never put up with. The grass is not greener in this case. It is actually a dying muddy pit. I know that when the right person comes along I will want to give up my single life to make a life with them. I see good relationships and I won't settle for less.

I do know many great marriages as well. My friend, Anna, has a fantastic husband. I do not envy. I do not covet. But I am making a list. Yes, a list, qualities in my future husband. Anna's husband, N, is my example of how I want to be treated. For her 30th birthday he bought her 30 gifts and didn't stop there. He made a fun game where you throw duck's (leftover from the Christmas duck pond) into numbered plastic solo cups. Whatever number you hit, you got to give Anna the corresponding gift. Everyone got to play when they came in. It kept the party exciting as there was a new gift with each arrival. It wasn't huge stuff that he bought (there were 30 gifts!) but they were thoughtful things that she likes like chocolate, little gift cards and coupons for home cooked meals. That is what I want. Like I said though, I am not jealous. I am elated for Anna that she found such a great man. I have known her since grade school and I don't know many people who deserve happiness as much as she does. I have told her before how great her husband is and that his qualities made my list. I am sure she is proud.

My friend Laura's hubby, Joe, is also Aces in my book. Joe makes my list because of his patience. I want a man who does not freak out when I freak out and Joe is stellar at this. He is patient, calm and loving most of the time. He has his moments as we all do but for the most part Joe is the calm in the storm. He loves Laura and their baby more than life. He is just a great guy all around and it warms my heart to see their little family coming together. These are not the only happy marriages I know, just 2 of the top qualities on my list for my future mate. I could make pages and pages of lists of what I don't want and many friends husbands fit in there too. I will not name them (although I would love to, F'n POS's).

The grass is still not greener to me. I love these girls and their husbands but I am perfectly content where I am. Perhaps it is because I see so many unhappy relationships that I feel this way. I was forcing things with CL and I am not surprised it didn't work. I know many people who are forcing relationships/marriage with the wrong people and they are having disastrous results. You know who they are. Everyone has them. I have seen both sides of this pasture and I can assure you the grass is indeed greener my way.

Babies, kids and teens are the same. I know women whose uterus is just aching for a child. I am not one of them. It is not secret that motherhood scares the shit out of me. It would be the biggest challenge of my life, should I choose to accept it. I love my little mommy friends. I have friends who had kids young and now have teenagers. I am not speaking of anyone specifically here so don't ask me who but most people seem more worried about their own party lives than what their teens are up to. They are in their early 30's. They missed out on childhood because they were raising children and now they want what they want. I want to be engaged in my kids and if that means waiting until I am ready, so be it. Other pals have little bitty babies up to grade school age. They don't sleep, they are up to their elbows in poop and they sometimes have a hard time switching from baby talk to talking to another adult. They say they are overjoyed by motherhood and I know some of them are. Some people were just meant to be mommies. Others do nothing but complain, all the while talking about what a joy it is, absolutely no green grass there. I sleep through the night every night. I can take a nap midday if I feel the need. I go and do what I want, when I want, without toting a baby, baby seat, stroller, diaper bag and the kitchen sink. I do not envy these people. I do not covet their lives. There are times that I just want to dial the psychiatric hotline, take the baby and hand them the phone:-)

Anyhoo, many people think that by 31 you should be married, have children and be on your way to Pleasantville. I am happy with my life. This is my path. My parents scared the shit out of me about having kids and my friends that are enjoying parenthood and doing it how it should be done are making that fade a bit. I see that there is a right and wrong way now. I have learned a lot from my little mommies. When the time comes I know I will be ready now. I am glad that I waited for the right time and hopefully the right person. I know this is not everyone's path. I am not judging those that had kids young. You will be young and free grandparents. I just chose to take my time early on and make sure of what I wanted and how to do it right. I don't feel as if I should or should not be any certain place by now. I am just where I was meant to be, over where the green grass grows:-) Happy Easter to you and yours today!

Spring!

2010-04-03T10:58:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling on top of the world. It is a more than fantastically beautiful spring day in the Lou. I normally have school on Saturday mornings but today I got to sleep in since it is Easter weekend! I have absolutely no plans, which just tickles me in all the right places. I am lounging about on the back patio with my coffee, my computer and my dog +1 (Ferg's dog, Buddy). I have nothing but positive thoughts in my head and good things in my future. I have no idea what today will bring but I am sure it will be fantastic. Tomorrow I am headed to my mom's in the country to celebrate Easter. If her yard is not a muddy waste pit I will take the big dog with me so we can hike and enjoy the weather together. My mom lives on 5 acres that attach to my aunt's 5 acres next door. There is a creek that runs through my mom's back yard that is just fantastic. She has a huge deck off the back of her house (doublewide). She put in a hot tub a few years ago and it was the best decision she has ever made in my opinion. I think I am going to take a book and a bathing suit and really enjoy Spring in style.

The new job is still going really well. I am pretty sure they like me and I really enjoy all of them. I have had a few opportunities this week to gather with friends and enjoy adult beverages. Since the weather has been rather nice all week I am also walking outside a lot more which is therapy for my soul. I am dipping a toe gently back into the dating pool. I am ready to get back out there and mingle. The natural flirt in me is returning full force and I will admit I did miss her. I also found out this week that my friend Rachel's baby is due on my birthday so that is totally exciting! She is a dear friend, former co-worker and ex-roommate of mine. I love her to pieces and her new husband is really just an amazing man. I am so happy for them both...and me. I get a baby for a birthday present! That is pretty much my crazy and all over the place update on my life. I will try to take photos this weekend with the fam and post them here for your viewing pleasure. Happy Spring and Happy Easter weekend to all!

I'm baaaaack...

2010-03-31T21:45:00.004-05:00

I know, I know...it has been too long. I love that some of you took to my Facebook page to let me know too! I have no idea how all of you working mama's do it with work, babies and blogs. I also had no idea how little work I really did at my old job. I spent all day on Facebook. I read the local, US and then world news. I got a good dose of celebrity gossip in around the noon hour. I usually pumped out a blog just after lunch and topped off the day with more news updates, all the while e-mailing, IM'ing and texting my sister, my girl Laura and countless others. Seriously, this was my day, every day. I.did.not.work.

As you can imagine, things are much different now. I started US Bank on the 22nd. (Again, sorry for the 2 week hiatus) The people in my group are super fantastic. My work space is about 4x's the size of the collection agency and almost as big as my office at the old job. It is cubicles but really big ones with high walls so I am happy. I don't punch a time clock. It is all very laid back. They have a lactation room (not that I need it but nice, none-the-less) as well as a book share. I think I am really going to like it. I am learning a lot about a job that is nothing close to anything I have done before so I am more engaged than I have been in a job in a long time. My friend Courtney works in a different department but just 3 rows away so we take breaks and eat lunch together. That is totally awesome.

The weekend before I started the bank was my spring break from school. My sister's friend, Nikki, visited from Michigan so we had a great weekend STL style. On Friday we took her to a sculpture park, down to the University City Loop to eat on the sidewalk (the weather was awesome) and out for sushi dinner. Saturday we went to a little old German town called Kimswick. We had lunch and shopped around despite the spitting rain. That night we went out to the local lesbian bar. From what I remember it was a really good time but I literally drank to the point of blacking out. I am a small girl. I had no dinner and 10 or more vodka redbulls. As I was typing that I was thinking I am really lucky I didn't have a heart attack...and die. I don't remember from midnight on and we didn't get home until after 3. Apparently, after stopping for fast food, of which I did not order but only made obscene sounds with my mouth. I have no recollection of this. I felt like hammered shit the next morning so I made love to my couch all day long.

Last week was pretty uneventful after my wild, wild weekend. My gay husband did cook me, my sister and her wife a fantastic dinner on Wednesday. Thursday I hung with my friend Jen for movie night. Friday I met my girl Nicole for drinks and catching up. Saturday was back to school and I was very excited, once again. Another movie night on Saturday with a friend and Sunday was laundry and more couch lovin'.

All in all, things have been great in Toni Town. I am really happy with how all things have worked out for the best. I feel super lucky and I am extremely grateful for what I have. More good things are on the horizon for me so I am not stopping now. I will write more and be more exciting later. This blogging outside of work thing is rough!

Dirty Dozen

2010-03-18T10:51:00.002-05:00

1. On a scale of 1-10, how superstitious are you, honestly?

At least an 8. Bad vibes, signs or just a feeling can make me change my whole course of direction.

2. Julius Caesar is quoted as saying, "I came, I saw, I conquered." Which circumstance or experience of yours does this saying best describe?

My life! I guess things started out kinda rough and that makes me proud of who and what I am as well as how far I have come.

3. If I peeked in on your day like a mischievous little leprechaun, at what time would I most likely find you blogging?

mid-day

4. Re springing forward for Daylight Saving Time, is there anything you've ever been really early or really late for?

I am usually no more than 5 minutes early or 10 minutes late, usually.

5. What are you most looking forward to concerning spring?

Getting out in nature to walk and feel the sun.

6. Shamrocks are the national flower of Ireland and are picked on St. Patrick's Day and worn on the lapel or shoulder. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?

Absolutely. It is a requirement.

7. One of Caesar's assassins, Casca, said, "But, for my own part, it was Greek to me," which of course means he didn't understand something. Probably his own lines in the play. Anyway, what is something that is "Greek to you," something incomprehensible or indecipherable?

Bible freaks. I just don’t get blind faith and living by someone else’s principles. How can people see so many paths of belief and think that theirs is the only pure one? I don't get it at all!

8. Is March behaving more like a lion or a lamb where you live?

March is a lion. I have gotten 2 jobs in the past few weeks. I stressed myself to the hilt about quitting the first one. I start my new job Monday. I can’t wait for things to calm down.

9. "An extra yawn one morning in the springtime, an extra snooze one night in the autumn is all that we ask in return for dazzling gifts. We borrow an hour one night in April; we pay it back with golden interest five months later." -Winston Churchill. If you had one extra hour per day every day, what would you do with it?

Rest, relax, read

10. Legend says that every Leprechaun has a pot of gold hidden deep in the Irish countryside. Aside from real gold or money, what material item would be in your dream pot of gold?

Good green smoke, I guess:-)

11. "The best things are nearest: breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you." Robert Louis Stevenson. Look around you right now and tell us about something essential or beautiful very near you that you take for granted every day.

My dog. His love and companionship are essential to my life. I always say I am going to walk him more and get him more treats but I know my love and affection is what he needs because that is what I need from him. He has been the only one to stick with me through it all.

12. Just for a bit o' fun, click here (www.blogthings.com/irishnamegenerator/) and then report your Irish name.

Nuala Browne

Damn conscience...

2010-03-14T10:49:00.005-05:00

Let me start off by saying that I am not complaining. I am grateful and I feel lucky to be in the position that I am in. That being said, how do I quit the collections job now that I am in at US Bank? When I found out Monday that the bank wanted to hire me I had JUST completed the drug test for collections. I didn't want to go back day 1 and quit. I have already had 2 weeks off between my old job and getting this one so taking another 2 seems ridiculous. After 5 days of training with the same group, I really like the people. The company is holding me in very high esteem and is planning to put me in a top tier file above 85% of their current employees, as I found out Friday. We sat with other collectors and listened in on calls and I really liked the lady I sat with. I felt bad; like I was wasting her time. My plan was to work out this week and tell them at the end of the week. That way I would get 2 weeks pay (money is tight until my cashed out 401K check comes) and I would not be sitting at home bored. After a week of training I am starting to feel like the right thing is to just tell them I got another job and leave. It feels completely dishonest and deviant to stay there. They are nice people who are super excited to have my expertise. You are probably thinking; well if you like it so much, why not stay there? I don't like it. I hate the idea of 4x4 cubicals. Although I have a very decent base pay, collections are down because of the economy. Bonuses will be far and few between. Benefits aren't great. The trainer is a hot tranny mess who is a card carrying Tea Party member (need I say more?). She actually gave a 30 minute speech on her opinion on the direction of our country. She might be my ticket out. If you let people like that train new employees, what else do you allow to happen? My guilty conscience is what is killing me. I want to leave behind good Karma. This place is known to screw over their employees. They have a terrible track record in the industry which is why I was going to be ok with just quitting them. Everyone keeps telling me that they would not hesitate to cut me off at the knees but I still don't feel right about it. Damn conscience! What is a girl to do?

P.S. Not gonna lie, I am kinda hoping the trainer spouts off again about not everyone deserving the right to marry. 1 more beastiality comment and that will be my ticket out of there! Suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

This is fun!

2010-03-09T19:18:00.004-06:00

The only thing I miss about MySpace is the cool little surveys. I think I've found my fix...

1. How old is the oldest pair of shoes in your closet?

An old friend's mother gave me a pair of vintage brown suede boots from the early 1970's. They are knee-high lace ups. I will never part with them.

2. Did you buy Girl Scout cookies this year? If so, what variety?

I did not but only because no one hit me up. As usual, my mother bought me some. She did finally figure out that Thin Mints are my sister's favorite and not mine so that was nice. I got 2 boxes of Tagalongs (my favorite!)and 1 Thin Mint. Not gonna lie, I will buy more as those little bias are selling them in the grocery store and outside of Target.

3. Do you know how to ballroom dance? If not, would you like to?

I have always said that I would love to take dancing lessons of any kind. So no and yes.

4. Were you a responsible child/teenager?

I was "the" responsible one. Too responsible.

5. How many of this year's Oscar-nominated movies did you see?

Just The Blindside and it was absolutely fantastic!

6. If you're going to have a medical procedure done, such as having blood drawn, is it easier for you to watch someone else having the procedure done or have it done yourself?

It is easier for me to watch someone else but I don't mind needles. I do have to watch the needle go into my skin, which I know bothers some people.

7. What is your favorite day of the week and why?

I would say Sunday. It is usually my chill and leisure day. I sleep late and plan little. It is my do-what-I-want day. My friends and I observe something we call Skanky Sunday which basically means we don't shower and hang out in bum clothes all day. You are allowed to wash your face and brush your teeth but that is it!

8. Do you miss anyone right now?

I will always miss certain people but I carry them in my heart always.

9. Do hospitals make you queasy?

Not at all. I'm not scurred.

10. At which store would you like to max-out your credit card. Not that you ever would, you responsible person, you.

I think I would go with Target. They sell furniture, household goods and clothes! I am such a cheapskate that it would be work for me to max anything out.

11. Are you true to the brand names of products/items?

Certain things like face wash, moisturizer, and make-up...my skin is nothing to mess with. Not really on food so much. Q Tips for sure...those cheapies will come off in your ear! Oh, and female products too.

12. Which is more difficult: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when he/she is telling you how he/she feels?

Definitely if I am telling someone how I feel. I am great with eye contact until I am vulnerable. I will totally deny it if you tell anyone though.

Bit o' nature, Me Cube, a night out and a few guilty pleasures

2010-03-08T20:08:00.009-06:00

This weekend was fantastic. The weather finally warmed up so I could get out of the house and be at one with nature again. My old roomy, Sarah, and I took a walk around a local lake with Bo. I love the way that exercising outside makes me feel. It is like therapy for my soul. I can’t wait until spring is in full bloom with green things growing and flowers abundant. I am thinking about planning a girls camping/float weekend just to celebrate the spring season; although we might have to stay in a cabin- just in case of rain. Well, you don’t have to but I think I would like a nice log cabin. Ok, I am daydreaming and way off track.

Where was I? Ah, the weekend! My Saturday classes went phenomenally. My research paper on Dan Choi is coming along great. I have not called him yet but I plan to this week. I hate to say this but after work shopping other people's papers in class (on the smart board), I feel more than confident with my work. Sarah (old roomy) is an English guru so she edited my paper and had some fantastic input. Sadly, I think I learned more from my evening with her editing my paper than I have from the entire class. I hope that College Comp II is a bit more challenging.

I got an A+ on my project for communication. The assignment was to decorate a box, all six sides with things that define or describe you. I thought about doing cutesy cut outs of mountains, oceans, diamonds and all things that I love. One of my biggest passions is photos. I take pride in my pictures and I am known to always have a camera. I decided to express myself on my “Me Cube” (that was the assignment name) through my pictures. I think it turned out wonderful and I know I am biased but I also think it was the best in class. Some people cut out a picture of flowers from a magazine for an entire box side. I took pictures of my “Me Cube” so you could see the final product. I put a lot of time into it and I was really proud of how it turned out.

The 'Me' side of my "Me Cube". There are baby pics, junior high and everything up until now.
Manda's side. Check out our baby pic in the middle. She's the real redhead. Now and forever.
Me and my sissy. I love the little kid ones in the middle.
My family. The bottom middle is my parents in 1969. The 2 on either side of that are the Core 4: Dad, mom, Cher and me. Left side is dad's new family. Right side is mom's. Top 2 photos are me with each parent. Oddly enough, after divorce we all traveled to Reno when my sister graduated the 1st or maybe 2nd time. Just me, my mom and dad went to stay with my sister and her then-husband together. That is a whole blog in itself. Mental note. Anyway both little corner pics were taken in Lake Tahoe on that trip.

Places I've Been: San Fransisco, CA- Vedauwoo, WY- Bellvue, CO-Pensacola, FL- Scottsdale, AZ- Santa Barbara, CA, Lake Tahoe, NV & CA- Steamboat Springs, CO- Amsterdam, Holland- Alcatraz-and many more that wouldn't fit.

The final side was to show my gay pride. The gays are really my only "cause" so they had to get a rainbow and a shout-out. Top left is me and my gay hubs, right is Aaron. Me and sis in the middle and prides gone by at the bottom. Did I mention that I was super proud of this project?

Saturday night was a night out on the town with my single girl, Nicole, and one of my fav gays, Aaron. My roomy had a bad day and was going to sit at home and drink alone so I invited him along as well. My newly single guy friend, Alex, called to see what was shaking so he came to meet us too. Nicole, Aaron and I dominated the dance floor while Ryan and Alex held down the fort at the bar. They are both newly single-again fathers so they have much in common. I was the designated driver so I only had 2 drinks but they were strong and I am not a drink n’ driver so we went to the casino after the bar so I could drink some water and chill. I lost $4 to the penny slots and we were on our way. It was the only money I spent all night somehow. Everyone had a great time. Nicole went all paparazzi on us so I will include a few pics for your viewing pleasure!

Nicole, Aaron and me
Striking a pose! Can you tell we have done this before?

I LOVE this pic!

We are funny, even on the dance floor!

I need to work on my faces while I dance, fo sho.

Aaron and Nicole
A and T

Ferg and me

Nicole and Aaron...again

Alex, me and Ferg

My Anastacia and me

Sunday was just strange. I didn’t get home Saturday until almost 5am. Alex stayed the night at my house because he is not a drink n’ driver either. He woke up at 9:30 and wanted to get home to his dogs. I took him back to the bar to get his car without even thinking that Ferg (current roomy) left his car at the bar too. I came home to Facebook (guilty pleasure) and my friend Bri called for a ride to her car that she had left behind "somewhere" (no shit, she said that) out of drunkenness as well. Clearly, my friends have a problem. At least they don’t drive though. So I woke Ferg, he dressed and we picked up Bri from down the street at her boyfriends and I deposited them both back to their cars. I had lunch plans with my mom and sister that fell through so I ended up ordering Chinese food (guilty pleasure 2) and watching the Oscars red carpet show all afternoon (gp 3). I rounded out the night with the Oscars (gp4) and promptly fell asleep on the couch (gp5) before all of the good awards. TGFY, Thank God for YouTube. It was really a good weekend and after hearing the great news today I am just over the moon!

Boo-Yah

2010-03-08T18:57:00.002-06:00

I GOT THE JOB AT US BANK! Thanks to the Universe and the good vibes from all of my friends and family-and all of you;-) I started the collections job today for training. They sent me over for my drug test around 2pm with the other trainees. I got the call while I was waiting for my results. I stepped out to speak privately. They made an offer I really can't refuse and they would like me to start on March 22nd. I have to go in this week to fill out paperwork for a background check which will take a week or so. I will also have to drug test this week. Once all of that is complete I will be set to start. I have no worries on any of that. I have worked security for years and that comes with background checks, fingerprints and a promise of your first born so I know I am good. I don't know how people fail drug tests these days with all of the things on the market to fix that. I have decided to work at the collection agency for the next 2 weeks until the job starts. I already took 2 weeks off after being laid off so I would be bored with another two. I don't have money for the travel I would love to do so I might as well work. Plus, paychecks are nice! I feel bad quitting them after just a few weeks but I plan to be honest (next week, of course) and just let them know I got an offer that I could not refuse. Turnover is super high in collections so I don't think they will be mad. I don't desire to burn any bridges for sure. I prefer to keep my karma in tact. Thanks for all of your bloggy lovin' and good vibes!

2 things

2010-03-05T10:47:00.003-06:00

Wouldn't you know it? I get my mind right with starting this collections job Monday (it took some convincing) and yesterday US Bank called! They want to interview me ASAP. The woman who is hiring was sick and she needs someone soon. Since I start the new gig Monday, and I am not relinquishing that position until I have another, I set up an interview for today at 2pm. The money is slightly better; there is room to move up, no working weekends (2 Sundays a month at the other) and insurance after 30 days (a year at the other). I really feel like I have to at least go and hear them out. I would hate to drop the collections job after a week or 2 but my old roomy has worked for them and she made a good point that they wouldn't hesitate to get rid of me so I should not concern myself with them. After getting the boot from my last boss without any warning I am taking on the attitude of looking out for #1. That's me! I am not really hoping I get the job so much as hoping it is a great fit. I really want them to be nice people that I want to work with. I want a good vibe from them and I want to see a good working environment. I think the universe hears me so we shall see what happens.

My 2nd tidbit more than blew my mind. Yesterday I blogged about Dan Choi and his amazing efforts to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell; I e-mailed him just to let him know he is a hero. Reading his story made me proud to be an American. His bio is rather vague (I assume because he is now back training with his unit) so I wanted to find out more. I am a bit obsessive sometimes. I didn't really expect a return e-mail but I GOT ONE! Not only that he thanked me for my kind words and gave me his PHONE NUMBER to call him. He said he would be happy to help in any way. So my problem now? I am completely star struck! What do I say? How do I act? OMG, this is huge! My final paper isn't due until next weekend and to be able to cite him as my source for a quote directly would be more than awesome. I am trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach so I can call him. Any suggestions on questions to ask would be greatly appreciated.

I think that about wraps up my week. I will update you all on the status of US Bank just as soon as I know something. A great weekend to all!

Peace and Love,
T

Your daily dose of hypocrisy...

2010-03-05T10:00:00.004-06:00

The Vatican was rocked by scandal this week after "a gentleman of his holiness" was caught on wire tap ordering young men for his pleasure; a male prostitution ring at the Vatican, if you will. The investigation started because this man was accused of swaying public works contracts to "favoured bidders". Once the wire tap was in place the police discovered that this man was actually ordering young men, some of whom were in training for priesthood. You can read the full story here. I bet the Pope is proud, proud, proud.

Today, because we are so lucky, we have 2 full doses of hypocrisy. Anti-Gay rights republican Senator Roy Ashton was arrested Wednesday leaving a gay club in Sacramento. He was pulled over for erratic driving around 2 am and arrested for DUI. The 'unidentified male' (Does this remind anyone of Sex In The City when Stanford is photographed with Smith Jarred for a magazine and he is listed as the "unidentified older gay gentleman"?) passenger was released but not before admitting he left the club with Mr. Ashton. Anyhoot, with a wife and 4 kids at home, what was this guy doing out at a gay bar called Faces until 2am with a male caller? I think we can all guess that one. Blow jobs don't count, right?

Senator Roy Ashton

Fun Fact: St. Louis used to have a gay club called Faces. It had a dark room like Babylon on Queer as Folk. I went in once. I will never forget the smell and I would NEVER go back. They have no ladies room (it is actually borded up) so I have had a catfight or 2 in the bathroom with unaccepting gay men. My boys were there to back me up, of course. A bartender at Faces once smelled my neck and said, "I smell straight". I guess you can dance in a cage in a gay club but you can't hide your sexuality for one damn second.

Meet Dan Choi

2010-03-04T12:48:00.005-06:00

I am writing my final research paper for my comp class this week. The assignment was to pick a topic that we are passionate about. It has to be a current news story that will spark a debate. I chose the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. We all know that I am passionate about gay rights. After watching Soldier's Girl a few weeks ago and witnessing the horror that my friend Aaron felt at knowing this senseless killing took place on his military base while he was serving there, I could not help but jump to that topic. In researching my subject I learned so much. My thesis statement is: Don't Ask Don't Tell is bankrupting our country while compromising national security. I will post my paper when it is completed and graded but for now I want to share with you the thing that sparked debate for me more than anything.

Dan Choi was an Arabic linguist and West Point Graduate. He served in Iraq as a platoon leader in 2007 and 2008. In total he gave 10 years of service as a gay man under Don't Ask Don't Tell. In 2008, upon his return from Iraq he sparked a romance with a man. No longer willing to lie about who and what he was he went on the Rachel Maddow show in March 2009 and declared, "I am gay". This is an act of professional suicide when you are in the military. He was immediately sent a notice of discharge from the United States military. He was given the option to leave quietly with honorable discharge or to fight it. Dan Choi chose to fight. His own unit leader did not push for discharge. He actually spoke up in defense of the highly trained and respected Choi. Less than 1 year later, after much activism work and the attitude that he would never back down, Dan Choi was invited back to drill training with his unit in February of 2010.

What a risk to take in the name of being honest about who you are? Dan started Knights Out, which is a group of West Point grads who have come together to demand the repeal of DADT. He regularly speaks at events about equality and gay rights. This year in June he will serve as Grand Marshall of the New York City pride parade. Dan has a website that does not give many details, I assume because of his current position in the military. He was not discharged but he is still in violation of the current law which means he can be discharged at any time. I e-mailed Dan through his website to ask for more information and also to let him know what a hero he is. So many Americans follow the grid; do as they are told and let the man be in control. This is a shining example of how one person can change things for many. That is not to say that I feel like repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell was reintroduced strictly because of Dan Choi but his activism and fighting spirit sure helped it along. True heroes usually fall through the cracks. I think Dan Choi is a hero to many so I wanted to formally introduce you.

The cadet prayer states: “choose the harder right over the easier wrong” and to “never be content with a half truth when the whole can be won.” How can you say that is your prayer and then tell someone it is not ok to be openly gay? I found it interesting also that while homosexual conduct can get you discharged, heterosexual conduct cannot. Just to show you how archaic our rules and regulations are: Current US policy in the Uniform Code of Military Justice actually does prohibit sodomy and oral sex, even among consenting adults and married couples.

Some other notable facts:

More than 100 retired admirals and generals support repeal.

73 percent of military personnel are comfortable with lesbians and gays (Zogby International, 2006).

Majority of weekly churchgoers (60 percent), conservatives (58 percent), and Republicans (58 percent) now favor repeal.

The younger generations, those who fight America's 21st century wars, largely don't care about whether someone is gay or not-and they do not link job performance with sexual orientation. One in four U.S. troops who served in Afghanistan or Iraq knows a member of their unit who is gay (Zogby, 2006). Since 2001, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" discharges have declined by almost half.

During every major military conflict the number of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" discharges has dropped.

In 1993 Rand Corp. concluded that openly gay people in the U.S. military do not negatively impact unit cohesion, morale, good order, or military readiness. Several other military-commissioned and GAO studies have concluded that open service does not undermine military readiness, troop morale or national security.

75% of Americans support gays serving openly - up from just 44 percent in 1993 (ABC News/Washington Post, 2008).

Just a little food for thought on this fine Thursday.

OFFICIAL: NO H8 and another explaination for the uninformed

2010-03-03T10:27:00.003-06:00

Official No H8 photos have been posted. I have gay people asking me what this movement is all about. I blogged about the No H8 campaign here when we attended the photo shoot back in January. You can read about the campaign on the official No H8 website. This group started out as celebrities having their photo taken with the No H8 tattoo and duck tape on their mouth to support gay marriage. The campaign went nationwide and there are now photo shoots all over the world to gain momentum for this campaign and to put an end to hate and discrimination. There will be a huge display of all of these photos from all over the world. If you are gay and you do not know this information I request that you relinquish your gay card to me directly with a written apology to your community OR you can sign up to have your photo taken in a city near you. You decide.

My official No H8 photo by John Elkins taken at NP's in St. Louis

My sister's official photo. My father would die to know that she is wearing his dog tags!

Our official No H8 photo together. Yes, I did let them write on my face with a Sharpie!

J-O-B

2010-03-03T10:18:00.002-06:00

I haven't written in over a week! Life is good. I accepted the position at the collection agency to start next Monday the 8th. I didn't ever hear back from US Bank or any of the other 900 companies that I sent my resume to. I've done a lot of soul searching about this and I have a plan. I am on a grant from school this semester and summer. If I can stick it out in collections until the end of summer I would love to work out school full time and bartend again for a while at night. I figure I can work an office dead end job for the next 6 years it will take me to get a degree working full time or I can go to school full time and work at a bar. The money is usually better in the bar but there is no vacation or insurance so it is a trade off. I've thought a lot about all of my options and this seems best for now. The positive to collections is the salary. It is more than enough for me to live on with a very high likelihood of commissions so maybe I can finally payoff some debt and get ahead! I feel really lucky to have this opportunity so my attitude has changed quite a bit.

The last 2 weeks off have been fantastic, I have had time to catch up on all things put on the back burner. I was able to finally deal with some situations that needed dealing with (more on that later) and I have seen and lunched with lots of friends. My mental state is much better than it was when I was working that horrible job. I am doing things for me and only me again and it feels so good. Off to enjoy my last 5 days as a free woman. More very soon.

OMG!

2010-02-21T11:22:00.004-06:00

This might be a super-duper long one so settle in with a nice adult beverage and get comfy. Last week ended with me hating my boss, my job and therefore, my life. The weekend was smooth enough. It was a much needed break for me. I went to the wedding Friday with my roomie. That was pretty uneventful. Saturday I had class and then went to hang with my sister and her wife. I can't seem to keep my eyes open past 9pm lately so as is my new MO, I fell asleep on their couch around 9. I woke up at 11 and drove home. Sunday was Valentine's Day. Even when I am in a relationship I feel like this is a really stupid holiday. Anytime you are scrambling to answer the question, "what do I get for this occasion", you should not be buying gifts. I had a singles outing planned with my friend Nicole and my gay boyfriend, Aaron. The weather in the Lou did not cooperate, however. It was snowing and icing by 3pm when I picked Aaron up. The roads got bad really quick so we decided to go somewhere close to Nicole's house which is really far from where we would normally hang out. Long story short, Nicole got a hole in her tire which forced us home early. Not a bad thing with the roads like they were. We ate, drank and were merry at her house instead. Monday I was off for Presidents Day. I scheduled a dentist appointment weeks ago, not realizing it was on a day I was off work. I almost canceled but then thought better of it since I was preparing myself for a job change and at least a small amount of time without insurance. 2 hours and a partial crown later, I left the dentist with a very numb mouth. I went home that night to chill. I woke up around midnight and I was violently ill. It had to have been some sort of weird flu bug. I had the cold sweats and bile out both ends (sorry for the TMI). It was a horrible night of no sleep so Tuesday I called in sick to work and spent the day on the couch.

Here is where the fun begins. Wednesday is my late day at work. My hours are 10-6. I went in at 10 and my boss was not there. He was away on City business that keeps him from doing his job and growing his business. I digress. So he strolls in around 11 and asks to talk to me. Nothing out of the ordinary, as his idea of organizing his thoughts is rambling on for hours. He starts off talking about all of the things that we have tried in this down market that have not worked. Union employees don't want to attend seminars on pre-retirement when the recent market lows will keep them years from their projected retirement date. Even if I get licensed, it will be months before I could be on the phone making calls. Basically nothing we are doing seems to be working right now. Well, ummmmm, duuuuuuuuh! This is what I have been saying for months! So then he just sits there. I am thinking he has a new idea. He is good for a few hair brained schemes a year and I was sure one was coming. Still he sat. Here is how our conversation went after he listed all of the things we have tried but are not working.

Him: So there just isn't enough work.

Me: Ok. What can we do?

Him: Well, we just don't have the contacts.

Me: Ok. What can I do?

Him: Well, you know it just isn't enough for a 3 person team.

Me: What is it you are trying to say?

Him: Well.......(loooooong pause) I am going to have to let you go.

Me: You are firing me?

Him: I am letting you go, due to lack of work.

Me: (Shock settling in) so all of this talk about 'please don't go find another job'. 'We will work something out'. 'We are good until summer'. What was all of that?

Him: I'm sorry

Me: I told you months ago we needed a new strategy and you wanted to concentrate on your city business as an alderman. I said then that I was low man on the poll and I didn't want to be out of a job. That is why I have been pushing to make something happen. You are the one that said we were fine.

Him: I'm sorry

At this point I walked out of his office. I was going to start talking about interracial dating sites, porn at work and his utter lack of drive and motivation. But then, I felt relieved. I hated him. I even blogged my hate. I don't think he found my blog but I also really don't care. He was king of the douche bags and I despised him. The rejection was the worst of it. He has always told me what a great job that I do so it was just a surprise. I mean, we clearly have not been seeing eye-to-eye lately but business-wise this was a really stupid move on his part for many reasons. The fact of the matter is that I was bored. This job was not a challenge to me in any way. It served the purpose that I needed which was a paycheck for the past year and a half but there was no room for growth, nothing to learn and he was such a tightwad that I was never going to make decent money so it was truly a blessing in disguise.

In a lot of ways I could liken it to a bad relationship and in that, there is a lesson for me. I was not happy but I kept trying; just like I did with CL. Is it that I don't like to fail at things? I don't like to be the one to throw in the towel? I mean, I have been looking for work but I would not have just quit. Why do I stay and try when I know it is in my best interest to cut loose and move on? This is something that I really need to work on for myself.

I packed up my office with a quickness and was out of there. They paid me for the week and for a few days of vacation so I have almost a full paycheck from them after having just gotten paid on Monday. With unemployment at 10% somehow that didn't feel very secure. I came directly home and filed for unemployment. I have never collected unemployment and I hope to not need it but I filed anyway. After that I started reaching out to any and all friends for leads on jobs. My friend Courtney (former co-worker) came through right away. She works for US Bank in their mortgage department and suggested that I apply months ago. She immediately called some people and got me an e-mail address to send my resume. Within 15 minutes of hitting send I got a phone call for an interview which I promptly set for 11am the next day. My friend Kari (also a former co-worker) knows a hiring manager at a collection agency. I did collections 8 years ago for almost 5 years. I didn't love it but I am not turning down a job in this economy.

Thursday morning I got a call from the collection agency. They wanted me to come in for an interview immediately. The US Bank position hires through a temp agency and my interview with them was at 11. She told me it would be 30 minutes at most so I scheduled the collection interview for 12. The first interview was only 15 minutes. She told me she had no other good candidates to send them and she was super excited when Courtney called her about me. She talked salary, start date and benefits before telling me she would be in touch soon! I had 45 minutes until my next interview which was just down the street (which is why I scheduled them so close in time) so I stopped at McD's for lunch. When I arrived for my interview at 12 they had me do personality tests first. Then I met with a woman who was super sweet. She asked all of the preset stupid interview questions and I could tell she really liked me. From there she had the 2nd in command at the company come in and talk to me. He was long winded and seemed to like to hear himself talk which is not at all uncommon in collections. By the time it was all said and done I was there 2 hours and 50 minutes! I left there at almost 3pm and I was drained. I felt extremely lucky to have not 1 but 2 interviews just one day after being laid off!

Friday morning I got a call from the collection agency first thing. They made an offer for a job. The money is more than I thought they would offer, honestly. Collections are generally base plus commission and they like to make you work for your money so they usually give you a very low base and make you work like hell for bonus. The guy who called with the offer is a friend of my old roommates. He said it is the highest salary he has offered in his history with the company. They proposed a start date of 3/8 which is 2 weeks from tomorrow. It was all so sudden that I told him I would get back to him early this week. The US Bank job pays just a bit more but there is way more room to move up. Plus, even working as a temp for 3-6 months I will get insurance within 30 days with the bank job where as it is 1 year in the collection job before benefits start. I don't want to turn down a job before I have one secured but the collection position is really my last resort. It is a very negative environment filled with alcoholics and drug addicts. With school to keep me going, I could do it but I would not love it. IF I get the US Bank job I would be working very close to home, not to mention just across the hall from Courtney who could once again be my lunch bud!

I called Courtney as soon as I got the offer. She suggested I call the temp agency and let them know I had an offer on the table and see if that motivated them. I did call and I left a message but did not hear back so Court called them herself later in the day. My resume was forwarded to the proper person at US Bank. They gave Court the woman's name and she just so happened to work just a few seats from Courtney. The woman was on vacation Friday so Court said she will talk to her first thing on Monday to find out her course of action. Word around the bank is that they have not seen 1 qualified applicant yet and this feels like it will bode well for me. I have this week to think and interview but I feel like I need to make a decision by week’s end. Hopefully tomorrow I will have more information on this US Bank gig and be able to make a more informed decision.

It is funny that I KNOW that everything happens for a reason but I still tend to freak out. Walking out of my office on Wednesday I didn't know what was in store for me. I was scared, rejected and sad. By that afternoon I was excited for new opportunities. It is true that when one door closes a window opens. I felt the universe pulling me away from that job. My last 2 blog posts were very clear about my preparation to be out of there soon. I wish it had been on my terms but that is part of the learning experience. I was unhappy months ago. I started applying for jobs back in October just before things went south with CL. In fact, you might have read this blog about my friend and me applying for the same job. THAT was Courtney, the one who is now (hopefully) helping me get on at US Bank. That very scary experience kept me from applying for more jobs. It should not have. Even after all that happened to her Court continued to look and eventually found her current job at the bank. When she told me I should apply I was still gun shy from our joint terrible experience and decided against it. I try to live life without regrets but I can't help but think that I could be a permanent employee of the bank by now. Alas, that is not how this was supposed to work out, I guess. I am still not completely sure what is in store for me but I have a feeling that it is pretty freaking fabulous!

And on to the sads…

2010-02-12T15:25:00.002-06:00

I don’t know what it is about me but in any given situation that I find upsetting, first I get mad and then on to sad. Today I have a serious case of the sads. I was going to skip the blog altogether today. I mean, who wants to hear about the sads? We all have problems. Sometimes when you are down yourself the last thing you need to hear about is someone else’s sadness. I understand. This year started out with a quest to honestly blog so here it is raw, uncut and super-duper foul.

I still hate my boss. The more I think about his ultimatum the angrier I get. When I interviewed for this job it was something completely different than what I do today. Not to mention, I was completely honest with him. I do not believe in the stock market and I have no interest in licensing! I have been MORE than accommodating to his whimsical theatrics and constant change of plans. When we spoke earlier this week I was angered by most of what he said. Today, my feelings are hurt. I have way more to offer than what he is accepting. He would rather do other things than to build this business which just so happens to be part of my job. He admits to checking out. He tells me how great I am at what I do but then he hinders the hell out of me while I try to do it.

Today was more of the same B.S. A valued friend told me that no matter what certificate or accolade I add to my resume it is more experience for me. She suggested I go for it and get my series 6 license and if nothing else use it to find another job. That theory is all good and fine except I don’t want a job in finance. Truth be told, I didn’t want this one but I needed it. Further licensing will only subject me to offers in an industry that I don’t want to be in. I don’t want money to keep me in a job I hate. Right now the main draw to getting my license is the raise that will come with it. Then there is that fear that I won't leave because of money.

The second fold of this tangled web is that I just recently went back to school. This is not something I shared with my boss, as my personal life is none of his business. Now that he is pressuring for licensing it seems necessary to tell him I have gone back to school. I am on a grant this semester and I have grant funds for summer so the earliest I could even think of my series 6 is fall. I don’t think I could carry a class load, a full time job and study for a securities license. I am talented but not that good. So IF I decided to go for the series 6, college would have to go on hold. (insert HUGE frown here!)

The absolute worst part of this entire week has been me, my attitude and my outlook. Happiness is perspective, I know this. I also know my perspective sucks! I have been feeling something that I wouldn’t admit to most of my closest friends but I am going to reveal here for all of the blogosphere to judge. I am lonely. So lonely that at times, it is palpable in the air. So lonely it hurts. So lonely that I cried alone in my car yesterday and there was no one to care or even know. I haven’t allowed myself to cry since I left CL’s house the day I had to leave Max behind. I thought if I let myself start I would just never stop. I think I may have been on to something.

I have tons of friends and great people in my life. I don’t miss CL or his games and bullshit at all. I miss the idea of having someone who cares about you. I didn’t have that with CL, which is why I say I miss the ‘idea’ of it. Why did it make me feel so good to “think” someone was there? If I could trick myself so easily back then, why can’t I now? Other long-term friendships are slipping away. There is a tremendous amount of sadness from that as well. The person that I used to talk to everyday about everything is no longer who and what they used to be. They honestly haven’t been in a really long time but this week I had the time to think about just how long that relationship has been gone and it makes me feel so low.

At the same time, there is something inside of me that KNOWS change is coming. I have been scheduling every appointment under the sun the past few weeks; dentist, GYN and anything else that will require insurance. I have clearly been preparing for a job change. It might be weeks or months away but without even knowing it, I have been planning for it. I realize I didn’t have CL or his support at any point in our relationship. That has been a huge eye opener for me. I will not accept less than what I need in the future. I feel as if this ‘out with the old’ mentality is preparation for ‘in with the new’. I am trying to break old habits and get out there to try new things with new people.

Tonight I am going to a wedding with my roomy. Tomorrow I have class and then I am going to see my sister and her wife to have some dinner and hopefully a bit of fun. Sunday I am doing Bah-fucking-humbug-Valentine’s Day with my friends Nicole and Aaron. I need to shake this serious case of the sads. Many people have it way worse than I do. Parents are losing their jobs and homes and cannot provide for their kids. That is a problem. Someone out there lost their best friend today, for real. Not just over some stupid bullshit. People are suffering all over the world and here I am being a poor-me! Pity party, table for 1…your time is up. I am off to drunken weekend debauchery in hopes of turning this frown upside down!

On edge...don't push me!

2010-02-11T11:30:00.003-06:00

I try not to be a complainer. Everyone has struggles in life. Every day cannot be perfect. I am grateful for what I have, I really am. Even when I am not happy with the way things are going, I try my hardest to show gratitude. Lately, it is getting harder and harder to not beat certain people about the head while asking, "What the hell has gotten into you?" There are many people that I feel could use this treatment but none more so than my boss. I have refrained from openly discussing this on my blog because I do appreciate my job (more so the paycheck it provides) and although I don't share my blog with my co-workers, it is out there on the web for anyone to find. Today I decided that I just don't care anymore. I hate my boss! I said it. I feel liberated. I used to make excuses about how he was a good dad, a good man and a good provider so I wouldn't be so hard on him for being a scatter-brained idiot. The truth, however, has leaked out over time and I am done pretending. I think he might have a serious mental problem. I know for a fact that he is part of an interracial dating site that his homely little wife would not appreciate. He looks at porn at work. I have walked in more than once to inappropriate images on his computer.

When I started this job in the finance industry it was just before the fall of the stock market. I was very clear in my interview that I don't believe in the stock market and I had no interest in being licensed AT ALL. At the time, that was ok. 5 people held my position before me and NOT ONE OF THEM made it through the first 90 days. I was hired to do marketing and event coordinating. Mostly it was explained to me that I would coordinate, set-up and carry out union seminars on pre-retirement. Within months of starting that goal was in the toilet and since then we have jumped around to about 15 directions, all the while wasting time and money. A few months ago my boss comes up with the call strategy for me to call local businesses. Long story short, our compliance department says no way unless I have a license. So my boss reiterates to me for the 900th time since I started that I would make more if I were licensed. He would let me use work time to study. He is selling me on the benefits of getting a license that I have told him no less than 100 times that I am not interested in. At this point I feel like he is threatening my job.

My co-worker got her license a few years ago and got a $10,000 a year raise. She didn't want the license either and loathed every second of it. This is not an easy test. It is information about investments that I could give 2 shits about. If I have no interest, things are that much harder for me to retain. I have my property and casualty insurance license so I know firsthand. I've thought about this before. I pretty much knew he was not a man of his word and this would keep coming up. For me to take on something like this in an industry I hate, for a man I despise, to learn about something I don't believe in, I am going to need a LOT of money. I am thinking $15K a year, $7500 up front and $7500 after I pass. I loathe the idea of this but my alternative for now is the unemployment line and we all know how that is looking.

I have been super down about this whole situation recently. I had it in check for a long while. I was concentrating on school and my future. I was grateful to have a job, yada, yada, ya. Now this fucker wants to meet with me daily and I can't stand more than 5 minutes with him. He is one of these super distracted types, ADD and then some. He can't complete a thought, let alone a sentence. He does a lot of repeating as well as "Uuuuummmm", "Uuuuuuuuuu", "duuuuuuuh". I have no patience for it. Absolutely none! He got frustrated yesterday because he didn't like what I was saying (I was simply telling him what I learned from compliance) so he yelled at me. If we have ever met IRL you know I don't take kindly to yelling. I did raise my voice and make myself super clear. Then I gently brought the conversation back around letting him know how inappropriate he was. I said a little prayer after this that the universe would open up new opportunities for me and allow me a way out.

I have been casually looking for jobs (on work time). I would love to find something in my field of study so I can be working towards a common goal with work and school. This morning my sister e-mailed me this from her HR director:

The firm is seeking a Client Care Representative to join the team. If you know someone who has customer service experience, a passion for working with people, strong phone and computer skills who may be interested in this position, please contact me. Thanks!

Her headline said, "Everything happens for a reason". Of course I sent her my resume within minutes. I don't want to get my hopes up but that is right up my alley. She works for one of the biggest divorce firms in St. Louis and I want to be a child advocate in divorces so that is at least a step in the right direction! I am eternally grateful that the universe is showing me there are options. (Thanks to you too, Sissy!)This might not be my job but it gives me renewed hope that there is one out there for me. It makes me less stressed about my current boss and his douchebaggery. My plan is to push off this whole licensing idea for as long as possible. Then, if I have to, I will tell him my conditions. I don't think he will go for a $15K a year raise but if he does I guess I will start my studies. Let's all pray to the Baby Jesus (or whomever you believe in) that I find another job before:

A) I am forced to study for something I don't want or need and won't use after this job

B)I become violent and offensive to the stupid fuck who signs my checks.

I guess I will add:

C) or the dumb fucker finds my blog and fires me.

Soldier's Girl

2010-02-10T13:38:00.007-06:00

I had dinner with my gay boyfriend, Aaron, on Monday night. I went to his place and he cooked a wonderful meal. I took some chocolate infused red wine and we enjoyed a gay movie during dinner, as we usually do. Most of the time the movie consists of bad acting, poor sex scenes and chemistry and little to no plot. Rarely does a gay man have a friend to watch a gay movie with so I suffer it for him. This time was different. So different that it has taken me 3 days and a call to my therapist to write this post.

This is the movie cover

Aaron rented Soldier's Girl (I posted a clip at the end of this post) from Netflix. My gay husband, Matt, who is a friend of both Aaron and myself, actually suggested that I watch this movie about a year ago when I house sat for him. He assured me I would love it but I never made it around to watching it. The film is a true story based in Fort Cambell, Kentucky on the military base. Aaron was a military man prior to coming out and was based at Fort Cambell so the story immediately struck a cord with him. At first, I could tell it was fun for him to see the places and things that he had done way back when. He said he had heard about a young gay man being beaten severely with a baseball bat prior to his coming to base. That story made him even more afraid of his comrades finding him out and he remained deep in the closet during his time on base. I have seen photos of him during his time at Fort Cambell and even my gaydar would not have sounded.

The movie started out easy enough. The main character is a straight man, Barry Winchell, who is doing his basic training at Fort Cambell. Barry goes out one night, at the urging of his friends, to a bar and meets a male-to-female transgendered performer named Calpernia Addams. The 2 began dating immediately. Barry has a roommate that questions his own sexuality while being disgusted with Barry for doing the same. The roommate starts to spread rumors, Barry is ridiculed on base and questioned by sargents. This is not a happy, feel-good ending wrapped up in 2 hours or less. Let's just say that Aaron's story of that poor boy who was beaten is explained when you see Soldier's Girl. Barry Winchell was that boy and he was not just beaten but beaten to death. We discovered after having watched the movie and seeing the dates and outcome at the end that Aaron was there when this horrible crime took place. He could have been Barry Winchell.

Troy Garity and Lee Pace posing as Barry and Calpernia

The real Barry Winchell

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell debate has been prevelent in the media again recently. Just last week I had a Facebook debate about this very topic. I know a young girl in Ohio who has a gay sister in the military. Her sister posted a headline: 'You don't have to be straight to shoot straight'. I like that a lot. The little sister liked it too, so much so that she reposted it. One of the little sister's friends, a man who happens to be active military, made a comment which made me furious. Here is our exchange:

bigot (to protect the guilty hater): i dont like the idea of a gay guy next to me in combat

me: I am not sure I understand why being a gay man has anything to do with saving a life or protecting a country. I say if (bigot name here) doesn't like the idea of going in with gay back-up then go in alone. It's your choice. And I hate to tell ya but gay men (and women) have been surving our military for years (all the while hiding who they are). They can get shot at protecting our country and the right of others to hate and degrade them but they can't and don't have the same RIGHTS that the rest of us do. It is a sick society when one person feels good to bring another down just because of what they do in their own bedroom. Homophobia is a disgusting and ugly trait born out of fear and ignorance.

bigot: well they belong in the chow hall cooking my food or behind a desk. its against my religion an i dont agree with it

me: I hope you don't ever have to live the experience of having someone close to you, whom you love very deeply, encounter the type of bigotry and hate that you are willing to opening display on the internet. Please don't use a loving God as your pulpit for hate. (I actually made this my FB headline for the day!)

At this point, little bigot's friend (our mutual FB friend) said: oh wow this is getting a little heated...the whole point in debate is the fact that people believe in diff things... just because we dont believe in the same things doesnt mean hes wrong that is his opinion (Did I mention she has a gay sister serving in our military?)

me: It is like the saying; What Would Jesus Do? I feel it is a disrespect to a loving God to use him as an excuse to hate. I have a gay sister, you have a gay sister, your Aunt Robin has a gay daughter. I think when your own family is hated on it makes you see more clearly. I was simply cautioning (bigot) on USING God and abusing others in his good name. I wish all the best for (poor little bigot) and I truly hope he never has to witness his own hate being taken out on his family or friends. I woudln't wish that upon my worst enemy. It hurts more than he will ever understand.

Now the bigot of the day didn't respond and clearly his friend felt the need to defend him but not her sister. Maybe I was over the line. I was a gay defender before my sister came out. I was loving Matt and Aaron and had my very own gay following by the time she told me she was gay so I hate it when people say the that my gay sister is the reason I love the gays so. It is just NOT true. I believe things happen for a reason. This correspondence with the little bigot happened just HOURS before I saw Soldier's Girl. I had just witnessed out and out bigotry displayed openly on the internet for all to see. This boy had no shame in his opinion and that is a problem for me. As you can imagine I was completely fired up by the movie's end. Aaron was visibly devastated by the story and the closeness to home, if you will. He didn't sleep that night much and has brought it up to me a few times since then.

How is it that we have the Matthew Shepard Act but no Barry Winchell Act? Is it the military involvement? Is it all just a secret, swept under the rug? This incident did force then-President Bill Clinton to review the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy but it is still in place today as I type this. Barry was not a "gay" man. He fell in love with a woman who had not yet completed her trans "process". Calpernia Addams has since completed her gender reassignment surgery and now lives in LA. She has an on-line diary and remains active in gay rights issues. Reading her words over 10 years after Barry's death you can still feel her pain.

Calpernia Addams as she looks today

I don't understand how someone can serve in our military and defend the rights of others to hate on them but they are not entitled to all of those rights and priveledges themselves. I don't understand how this happened 11 years ago now and I am just now hearing about it. I don't understand how this could happen with so little media attention. I don't understand how my flamingly homosexual friend was there during this time and did such a good job of hiding who he is that he is alive today but Barry was straight and now he is dead. There is so much about this crime that we will never understand. The imporant thing here is to educate ourselves and others against hate and discrimination to that no one ever has to endure what Barry did.

Here is a link to Soldier's Girl:

Click here if you would like to see what happened to the animals that did this to Barry. I caution you, it was not enough.

I am off to write the president...

#2- The Secret Annex

2010-02-09T10:59:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the teaser on my 2nd essay yesterday and then not posting it. I know you are all just chomping at the bit to read it. I was just trying to drive readership to my site;-)The assignment was to think of a place or time that you can take yourself back to in your memory and remember everything about it. Why is it improtant to you? What details do you remember? What about it touched you then and now? 2 other girls read their essays aloud in class. They were about nightclubs. It was details of how the bar looked and the music felt. They weren't bad stories but not riveting. I had already volunteered to read my essay aloud when they both read basically the same story detailing a party night out. I was a bit leary to read my essay after that but I really didn't have a choice. Here it is:

The Secret Annex

I remember the first time that I read The Diary of Anne Frank. I was about the same age as Anne when she was in hiding and it had an amazing impact on me. I had no idea of the oppression of Jewish people until I read her diary. I reread it in high school and I found even more of a connection to Anne. I was amazed at her ability to tell a story so honestly. She didn’t seem to harbor hate or animosity, she was just telling her own tale. I sometimes felt like a thief in the night reading her inner most thoughts. She speaks of enlightening others and bringing awareness and understanding so I can’t help but think she knew exactly what she was doing.
In 2005 I visited Amsterdam and the home of The Secret Annex where Anne and her family hid for 2 years and 2 months. I knew as soon as the trip was planned that I would see Anne’s hiding spot. On the long plane ride to Amsterdam, I reread Anne’s diary for the first time as an adult. More things stood out to me this time than my first 2 reads. Perhaps it was because I knew I was on my way to see all of the things that she explained but I felt such a connection to her descriptions and words.
On the day that I visited the house I had a very calming sense of peace all morning. I walked the few miles from our hotel to the Annex. As I approached the line outside of Anne’s hideout, which is now a museum, I felt the universe open up. My senses were on high-alert and I was in awe. As I began our tour of the house I flashed back to the book and Anne’s amazing descriptions. This stairwell must have been where Anne laid out in the open the night the house was robbed and they thought they had been found. This is the parlor where the carried warm water to take a bath. At every step and every turn, everything was as Anne described it. As we rounded the corner, I saw the bookcase which camouflaged the secret passageway to the attic, and I could hear Anne’s words as I walked on. Entering the narrow stairwell one could not help but think that this is where history was made.
Anne’s room, which she describes as adorn with celebrity photos, is still as she left it. There is glass covering the walls to preserve the photos but everything remains the same, right down to the heavy blinds to block people from seeing in. The kitchen, where the 2 families gathered to eat and discuss their situation, was a powerful place. Heavy decisions were made there but there was also such a sense of peace. It was small place for the amount of people in hiding there. Peter’s room in the attic was closed off due to unsafe conditions but as I stood at the base of the stairwell to his room I had the most amazing feeling in the world. I looked out the window to the right and there was the clock tower that Anne frequently speaks of in her diary. I am not sure what it was about that specific spot but I felt like Anne Frank was right there beside me saying “see, it is just like I described it, isn’t it?” I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I was standing where Anne Frank stood. At that moment the clock tower tolled and my warm, peaceful feeling went deeper within.
The next room held Anne’s diary; the original diary her father gave her for her 13th birthday just before they went into hiding. Shelly Winters Oscar from the 1959 movie is displayed in the house as well. Perhaps the hardest part of the journey for me was the final room of the Anne Frank House. It follows and details the final days of the concentration camp for Anne and her family. There are graphic images, audio tapes and written accounts from people who were imprisoned with the Frank family. It is heartbreaking to know that Anne died of typhus just days before the war was over and everyone was free. I can’t image the pain of her father reading his daughters heart-felt words after her death or the strength that it took for him to share not only her words but her life with the world. I am so grateful to him for doing so. Anne’s words have been translated into 67 languages and sold more than 31 million copies. The Diary of Anne Frank and visiting The Secret Annex are both experiences that I will never forget.

I just turned this paper in on Saturday so I should have a grade back at my next class. I will keep you posted.

Man Candy Monday

2010-02-08T12:15:00.005-06:00

Man Candy Monday this week is dedicated to a few of my favorite shows. This particular gentleman came at a request from my friend, Jen. She loves him from some vampire show. I know him as Boone from LOST!

Ian Joseph Somerhalder

Wonderful bone structure

He does sexy/serious really well...

But those amazing baby blue eyes are what sets this hottie apart from the rest!

Cowboy take me away!

Can you tell he has been a fashion model since he was 10?

Those aren't vampire eyes...

Our lesbian lick this week is someone that I personally find extremely sexy.

Mary-Louise Parker

She got her start on the soap opera Ryan's Hope.

Nip slips are hot!

She is a Broadway stage actress as well.

She played Ruth Jamison in Fried Green Tomatoes. I think the storyline was implying she and Idgie were lesbains but others disagree. (For the record, even wiki explains it as "a deep love and mutual respect")

She was also in Boys on the Side.

She was on The West Wing

And Angels in America

She has been in lots of things but most notibly, she is Nancy Botwin...

The drug-dealing suburban mom on Weeds!

In 2007, she was named entertainer of the year by OUT magazine.
She is certainly one talented lady!

And smokin' hot, sexy too!

This is my favorite ad pic for Weeds.

A stoner must have munchies!
Happy Monday y'all!

My first 'A'

2010-02-08T11:48:00.003-06:00

My first week of class our assignment (on top of boatloads of reading) was to write an essay; If you could be anyone for a day, who would you choose and why?

Here is my essay in it's entirety:

If I could be anyone for one day, who would I be and why?

If I could choose to be any one person for just one day, I would choose my best friend Leigh. This week was the 10 year anniversary of Leigh’s death. She died very suddenly in a car accident while she was attending college at Mizzou. The shock of losing her in such an abrupt and horrifying way stays with me to this day. It has taken me years to come to terms with her death. I am just getting to a point that I can look back on her life and feel happiness as opposed to feeling the pain of her dying. Her funeral and burial were a celebration of her glowing spirit. I try everyday to honor that spirit by being everything that I can be for myself. I have always felt like Leigh was taken from us to fulfill a greater purpose than what she had here on Earth. I also believe that I was left on Earth to do something equally as great.

Leigh was an amazing person who gave all of herself to everything she did. She brought together many friends, from different walks of life, and she somehow managed to make us see our similarities and appreciate our differences. She was a wise young woman, well beyond her 20 years. I look back now and I am amazed at the knowledge that she had. She taught me so much about love, life and family. Leigh was the glue that held us together in life and she continues to do so after her death.

The reason I would want to be her for a day is simple, we would all be able to see the person that she became. I lived with Leigh and her parents in high school so I became very close with her and her family. I know that each birthday I celebrate is a milestone her parents will not have with their daughter. Her mom has actually said to me before on my birthday, “I wonder where Leigh would be at this age” or “I wonder what Leigh would look like if she were here today”. I think we all wonder the same things: What would she have done for a living? Would she be married by now? Would she have beautiful blond haired, sparkling blue eyed little girls just like her? Would her passion for life still be as strong as it was the day we lost her?

If I were able to give her mom the opportunity to hold her daughter again it would feel like giving the gift of a lifetime. I know it would be the gift of her lifetime. If Leigh’s friends could see her smiling face, take one more trip to the mall, have one more serious talk about life or just sit with her and feel her presence they would trade anything in this world. Just one day with her, one day to say all that we couldn’t say 10 years ago.

Leigh knew that we loved her; I have no doubt about that. I know she is up in Heaven today listening as I compose this. She is touched by my words, my love of her parents, my continued connection to her friends and my need to keep her memory alive. She is probably wishing she could make this wish come true for everyone as much as I do. She sends her love in a way, even today, that I can feel her sitting next to me. She is letting me know that she never went anywhere. She is with each of us always, in our thoughts, our dreams and our fantastic memories of her. The only thing I do know is that if Leigh were here today she would still be my very best friend and soul sister to the end.

I got a 99%! She took points off because I capitalized the 'E' in earth (which I still feel should be capilized)! Whatevs, it was a good start. I read my 2nd essay aloud to the class this past Saturday. The assignment was to write about a place that had such an impact on you that you can close your eyes and take yourself back there. We were to describe it in detail physically and emotionally. The first 2 girls read about clubs and detailed liquor and dancing. I thought I was way off base for the assignment until I started to read my essay and I noticed everyone was paying attention. My teacher and all of my classmates gave great feedback so I am pretty sure I did ok on that one too! As soon as I have my grade I will post that for you too. Oh, hell...I will post it today!

Honorable Mention

2010-02-08T09:40:00.002-06:00

I can't give him the distinguisted honor of Man Candy Monday. 1st, he's a kid. 2nd, I don't really think he is that cute. These photos, however, are hot! Perhaps it is the straight man standing up for equality that gets me. I would bet on the naked chest though!

Here is Aaron Carter, taking it off for the No H8 Campaign

I really did it...

2010-02-07T10:26:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning seized with panic. I ran to look out the window, whew, my car is there. I checked myself over thoroughly, in case I fell down and the alcohol absorbed the pain. I have my car and I am all in one piece so what is the problem? Then it hit me...the clouds started to clear. Did I drunken blog last night? I grabbed my computer, logged on and sure enough, I DID! I reread it this morning and it was not horrible but I left out the whole reason for the blog in the first place. Silly girl!

About 11 o'clock I hit up the bathroom. The 2 overly drunken, under couthed women sitting next to me were about to get an elbow to the eye. I was also strongly considering just letting my cigarette tip a bit too far back and burning some hair. Who wants to deal with burnt hair smell in a bar though? It would really have compromised my vodka and Red Bull at that point. So Nicole and I decided it was time to hit the dance floor (which you've hopefully read about already). I went to hit the bathroom first and I was joined by some genius natives from the town I grew up in. Girl 1 was in the stall and girl 2 entered as I was hovering over the toilet.

Girl 2: (pushing girl 1's stall door open)"Come on bitch, it's a party"

Girl 1: "You whore. I mean it, you filthy fucking whore" (drunken giggles and stumbling)

(I exit my stall and girl 2 just realizes that I am in there)

Girl 2: "I'm really sorry you had to hear that"

Me: "um, that's ok"

Girl 1: (exiting stall in her bachelorette tiara) "Why do stupid people (pot, the kettle is on the phone for you) keep telling me happy birthday like I JUST turned 21? I mean, that was like a century ago" (never did she mention the most obvious sign it was not her birthday, the BACHELORETTE tiara!

Girl 2: "It's only been half a century" (drunken giggles)

Girl 1: (utterly confused) "Wait, how long is a century?"

Girl 2: "It's like 10 years or something" and then, catching my side-eye she says to me, "That's not right is it?"

Me: "No, 10 years is called a de-cade" (speaking slow for slow minds) "A century is 1 hun-dred years" (I almost said, 'say it with me now' but that wouldn't have even been fun because they probably would have.

Girl 1 & 2 in unison: "Wow, haha"

(I open the door to exit)

Girl 2: "I am so glad you were here. We never would have figured that out"

Oh, I have no doubt about that and you don't know how glad I am that I didn't miss that.

I saw the 2 girls numerous times the rest of the night. They clearly thought I was Einstein after that. Compared to them, I guess I am.

Drunkin' bloggin'

2010-02-07T02:09:00.002-06:00

Usually I make notes and blog later. Tonight, fuck it, I'm drunkin' bloggin'. I went out with my friend, Nicole, tonight. She's on of my few (only) single girls left. We went to a popular part of town here in the Lou that I would not normally visit. I had never been to our bar of choice. We arrived and found a seat easily enough. My friend, Abbye, was bartending so we bellied up (my father's turm) right up to the bar. Unfortunately, these 2 fithly rich (I could tell by the bling in excess of 2 carats and YES, they were married) bitches were trying to make out and tell each other how much they loved each other in such an obscene way that the manager had to intervene. I am a known gay lover but I strongly dislike a closeted bitch (married, non-the-less). These girls acted like they were on the DL (down-low) from hubands and such. They were hiding from no one as far as I could see.

Anyhoo, after 9 (yes, 9!) bumping-in-to's from one of the girls in this twosome, Nicole and I decided to hit the dancefloor. I called out my token gay almost instantly. I told Nicole I would bend him over before the night was through and I did. Then there was this hottie with an accent. I am still not sure where he was from but he could move to a beat so I singled him out. He kept me entertained for a while but I always grow weary. He was with a group of young, foreign boys who did not think they could dance. What fun I had showing them that they could! And most of them really could move. The others, well, it would be fun to teach them. But, I digress.

Nicole and I decided to pack it in before the bar closed to avoid the drunken rush. As we were exiting the bar there was a girl on the ground just outside of the bar. I can't leave a woman down so I asked if she needed help. Her very drunk friend did get the message across that help was on the way. By the time this poor guy arrived, one lone soldier, Little Miss was passed the fuck out. I helped her friend heave her up and tote her to the car. I fell into the backseat with her and as she sat on my legs, I slid her into the vehicle. Nicole, my fearless single gal, did not miss a beat. By the time I slid myself to the other side of the car with drunk girl on my legs, Nicole had the other door open to let me out. We accepted thanks, waved good bye and we were on our way.

Even as I write this some of the events of tonight are hazy. I know I had fun. I danced with a boy from some foreign land with fantastic skills and I am pretty sure we saved at least one drunken fool from planting face-first into the cobblestone. Ahhhh, the nights as a single gal. I almost forgot how entertaining they were!

A drift

2010-02-05T14:42:00.002-06:00

Change has been in the air and all around me for some time now. It started way back when I met CL a few years back. Many of my friends were not happy with our union and instead of voicing their opinions and moving on they chose to be cowardly about it. There was a lot of bullshit, bickering, backstabbing, bitchiness that I tried to look beyond. I have recently realized that the people who bring me down, beat me down and want to do nothing but keep me down serve absolutely no purpose in my life. These people did not want to be part of my life with CL for their own reasons and therefore missed out on a very happy time in my life. I am not sure I will ever forgive that.

Since the dissolve of the relationship with CL a few months back there have been even more changes. I moved out of his house and had/have much excitement for my future. I did not get the support that I needed from some of the people in my life so it was my job to seek it out and I did. I found some amazing people to help me through as I always do. I settled into my new place, started school and got the focus back on me. During that time my dad has pulled away and I cannot fathom why. It is as if he is angry or upset but won’t say why. We used to be very close and despite the fact that he is a womanizing prick, he is still my dad. The only dad this girl is going to get. For the past few months I have reached out in numerous ways to my dad. I haven’t seen him since Christmas and he was completely fake then. Prior to that, I saw him for a late Thanksgiving celebration. He did send me a lovely text message for my birthday. What a guy, huh?

This weekend he is having a Superbowl party. He was invited (via text) a few weeks ago. Dad’s parties consist of his Corrections Officer friends (he is a CO), cops and neighbors. I am usually the bartender and everyone’s all around bitch. Normally I go and work my ass off but this year I just don’t feel like it. I know he will be awkward as we have not spoken since Christmas and he was very awkward then. Ferg (my roomie) is having a party at our house. My friend Brooke is having a celebration at her house. I decided this week that I would much rather do either of those things than be a servant to my dad and his friends. I am to a point now that I am tired of being the bigger person up on this high road. I don’t even want to put myself out there anymore. I call to stop by and he makes excuses. I call the house and both of their cell phones and no one calls back. I am not going to beg the bastard to be my dad. He hasn’t spoken to my sister for most of her life. Maybe I just got lumped in? I used to think I was special. I was daddy’s little girl. So much for that, I guess. If I don’t keep putting myself out there he can’t keep shitting on me, right? I feel like he should say something if he is upset, which he clearly is and I am tired of playing his games. He is acting like a child. The relationship is clearly adrift.

Then there are the old friendships. My oldest friend, Manda, has been with me my ENTIRE life. We played in our crib, she pushed me in my walker (she is 6 months older) and we grew up much like sisters. We are polar opposites but also very much the same. Our lives have little, if anything, in common at this point. I work in a yuppie industry in corporate America and she is a stay-at-home mama that lives in a mountain oasis in Colorado. We have always managed, no matter where life takes us, to make each other a priority in our lives. That is the case with most of my friends, hence the long relationships.

Lately I have realized that some of my friendships are just as adrift, if not more so, as my relationship with dear old dad. We just have absolutely nothing in common anymore. We have held on to the past for years. Our old common interests just don’t apply anymore. Our lives are headed in totally separate directions. So why is it that I can maintain this 30 year friendship but not the shorter ones? The common thread with Manda and I is mutual respect. I respect her more than anyone in this world. I am actually looking for a male version of her to date and eventually marry. I love that we are opposites and I embrace our differences. Manda does not judge me or my life and she never has.

I have other friends that I feel nothing BUT judgment from. These are the folks that made what should have been the happiest time in my life with CL (and it was, despite them and their hate) very difficult. They judge me left and right. They talk about me constantly behind my back. They have not been there for me in a very long time. I have had issues with some of these same friends judging me in the past. So why do I hold on? Is it the past that I can’t let go of? Do I hope that in the future they will morph into who they used to be? That is not a good friend either. That does not promote growth. Maybe we have simply grown apart. Some of these relationships are with people that I have tried to let go in the past. Some of them I should have seen the signs years ago and walked away. Someone who constantly brings you down is not a friend. Seeing someone every few months for a few awkward hours does not a friend make. It is like a bad relationship that you hold onto because of the past good memories. You almost will that person be to who they used to be to you.

Unfortunately, the time has come to let go. I am extremely heavy hearted about this situation but I know in the end it is the best thing for me. I am not cutting people out of my life. I am just finally accepting that it is what it is. It is not what it used to be. I cannot continue to spend my energy on them. I must let them drift on or away…whatever they choose.

I should note that in place of these few people in life that occasionally bring me down; many new people have appeared or reappeared to build me up. Perhaps having that positive influence made me see the negative more clearly. I have many wonderful people in my life so I will not dwell on the “few bad apples”. I feel so blessed and lucky to have my life the way it is now. I want to surround myself with like-minded people to share in new experiences together. The fact that my dad does not know I have gone back to school does not affect my ability or drive to do so. Receiving nothing but negative words and feedback from someone you once considered a dear friend is a sign that you need to let go. Either that person (or persons) is unhappy with themselves or they are unhappy with me. Either way, I am not interested. I am done playing games and begging for interaction with people who don’t seem to care for me. I am good enough. I deserve it. I should expect people to treat me with love and respect. Anything less will no longer be tolerated!

one night only

2010-02-04T10:29:00.004-06:00

My recent single status has brought to light something that needs addressed, immediately. What I am about to say may shock and offend some; use caution as you read ahead. I have never had a one-night stand! There, I said it, it is out there now. I am not sure why but a lot of my friends are shocked by this. I am a free spirit and I usually do what feels good so I can see where there might be some confusion. The thing is; I am a relationship girl. I hate to admit it but I always have been. Back in the day it was really my MO to jump from one relationship to another. (I am not proud, just stating the facts) I don’t think I spent more than a few months single from junior high all the way to 21 years old. Even then, I left my ex fiancé and pretty quickly started dating Sam. I did finally take a break from relationships on mine and Sam’s off-and-on times and I went completely without sex. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of self-pleasing so I was not celibate but it sure felt like it at times. I missed the human connection but not the bullshit that comes with a boyfriend so it was a good trade off for a time. There were 2 “breaks” that Sam and I took where I went over a year without sex. This was a conscious decision that I made for myself in an effort to concentrate on me and what I wanted. I spent a lot of time in gay bars and avoiding men in general so it worked out famously. In the end the only thing that I wanted at the time was to get drunk and party. So that is what I did.

The few short term, mostly sexual, encounters that I did have were with people that I knew really well. One person in particular I know for a fact I only slept with a 2nd time to avoid making it a one-night stand but I had known him for over 10 years! Thinking back on that makes me think that I have some sort of inner issue with the one-nighter. My problem with getting my head around that theory is the absolute pride and joy that I take from hearing of my girls being able to go out and get them some with no regrets or bad self image. I encourage them! Keep in mind I was raised by a pig of a man who said all women were sluts at some point or another. Perhaps daddy dearest has something to do with this too. The one and only person I have had sex with once, and only once, was a dear friend whom I had very deep feelings for at the time, so I can’t count that either.

To me a one-night stand is meeting a stranger, taking them home to savage them and sending them on their way in the morning. Why can’t I get my head around this and just do it? I love Sex and the City and I celebrate their conquests, why not my own? Well, for one thing I have that whole “emotional connection” thing. I somehow got it into my head that if I am not emotionally connected in some way, the sex will be no good. Perhaps I think I will feel cheap, dirty or used? I think my bigger issue is that I have never done it so I can’t see the other side of the coin, the greener grass, if you will. See, with a one-night stand there is no worry about satisfying the other person. There is no pressure to impress. There is nothing but taking care of you. I can do that!

Some of you may remember this post a few months ago about my emotional connection to a friend. I think back on that night and it was completely my decision to keep that “cuddle session” strictly platonic. My first one-night stand can’t be with someone I know and actually like as a person, can it? How would you keep it to one night when you know and see someone that much? More importantly, why did I think it over so much instead of just DOING it? It is not like he wouldn’t respect me later. I would certainly have no problems respecting myself. In fact, I think I might have respected myself more! Why the hesitation? I am single, STD free and well over the age of consent. What is my problem? What if it wasn’t even a one-night stand and actually could have become a nice fuck-buddy arrangement? I mean, shit, what is my problem?

These last few months I have really contemplated this subject. I know it seems stupid but I can’t go another year or more with just me and my vibrator. This time around single is different, maybe because I am older and wiser. I know what I want for the most part and I definitely know what I won’t settle for. I am concentrated on making decisions focusing on myself and my future. I know that when the time is right, and once I am completely happy with every aspect of me and my life on my own, the right person will come along to truly enhance my life. Until then, who do I do? I am not much of a drinker so meeting people in bars is no good. I don’t really want to take some crazy home anyway. I pride myself on being a good judge of character but you can never be too careful when your va-jay-jay is involved. I just don’t know where to turn. How do I break myself of this terrible curse? I know if I posted some sort of plea that the offers would come rolling in. Perhaps I should just call Mr. Cuddles and get it over with. I don’t know what to do. I am pretty sure the next time opportunity presents itself I am going to POUNCE on it though;-)

Do you have one to dispose of?????

2010-02-03T13:36:00.001-06:00

The Aspen Diet

2010-02-02T14:27:00.002-06:00

I ran into a gay couple recently that I am extremely close to. It has been too long since we have connected and I had been trying for months to see or talk to them. Immediately I noticed that the younger of the 2 was looking rather thin. He used to be a bigger, boisterous boy so it was quite noticable. I have known this man/child since he was a wee lad and he has always been on the "chubby" side so I had to ask, "girl, what happened to you?" I don't mean this offensively but homegirl lost the chub and then some. He starts going on and on about this new workout routine, blah, blah, blah. I am believing him until I hear a bitchy, under the breath comment from his boyfriend, "yeah, it's called the Aspen diet". I was like Judy Jetson watching George fly by the house on his way home...super confused. I noticed a few other "off" things about this pair and filed them for contemplation later.

So I am on my way home that night trying to relax with my thoughts when the "Aspen Diet" comment will not leave me. Aspen diet? What is Aspen known for? That is simple...skiing! What do you ski on? Again, simple-Simon, SNOW. What drug is universally refered to as snow, ski, powder, candy? Cocaine! (Can you see the light come on too?)I almost wrecked my car. Keep in mind I have known this particular boy a very long time and this was very unexpected.

I was in the process of thinking about how I was going to discuss this issue with him when I find out that another (very old) friend has a problem of their own. Of course, to them is it not a problem. If you can't pay your rent, put gas in your car or feed your kid but you can afford coke, no problem, right? You are doing it everyday or every other day and you are giving up the necessities of your life to buy it but that isn't a problem, right? Is it not a problem then until you sniff one too many lines and land yourself in the hospital, or better yet, the morgue?

A very good friend recently had to do an intervention with a family member who was doing herione. We are talking about a young adult, mid 20's, who has the world at their finger tips. The entire world and this person chooses a tiny pill that if taken too close to the last one can, and will, kill a person. This family was lucky and their loved one did not fight them. They admitted the problem and asked for help. I don't know many addicts who are strong enough to do that. I keep him in my thoughts daily.

The economy sucks. People are out of work and in debt up to their eyeballs. Is that why so many are turning to illegal and harmful drugs? I am no Pollyanna. If you know me in life, you know that I am no where near prude. I will admit, I have done cocaine. I am one of the few, the proud and the lucky that does not like it. The taste is horrible and I hate the way it makes me feel. Who wants to snort and grind all night for a "high"? I am personally more of a naturalist, if you will. If it comes from the earth, I am good with it. If I know it has been cut with Ajax, Drano and Meth...not so much for me. Drug dealers "cut" cocaine with the cheapest and most effective thing they can find. Keep that in mind. In high school many of the rich kids that I went to school with were hooked on coke. It was such a disgusting habit. They became disgusting people to me and I eventually skipped any gathering that I knew their crew would attend. It wasn't until I was well into my 20's and a regular on the gay bar scene that I had my first experience with coke. I could do 1 line and be good for the night. I don't need anymore alcohol but you might have to pry me off of the stage or out of the cage in order to leave. I never felt that pull to do more and I always hated myself the next day as it gave me horrible sinus pain.

For this reason, I don't understand the addictive properties that others experience. After I left my ex fiance he dabbled in coke pretty regularly. He got many of my friends at the time hooked on the shit. I remember going back to our old house after I had moved out, for a party. About 5 minutes after I arriced I realized it was just me and 1 other girl in the livingroom. Everyone else had piled into the bedroom. It used to be my house and my room so I went busting in. There before me one of my very best friends was cutting up lines for the room full of people. I grabbed my shit and tried to bolt but they all (including the ex) stopped me. It wasn't the time or place but I let them all have it about how irresponsible and ridiculous they were being. I told them I was pissed but it was none of my business. I assured them I would not be back to that house and if they continued on the road they were on I would not be seeing them anymore either. I know for a fact that 1 person in that room never touched coke again after that. Eventually they all cleaned themselves up. Well, I can't speak for the ex but my friends did.

I am sickened, saddened and repulsed by this Aspen Diet situation. The boys from my first example will no longer return my calls and requests to hang out. Perhaps someone has tipped them off that I am onto them. I had a theory about my 2nd example the "old friend". I thought that rock bottom needed to be met in order to get them help. After seeing this person and hanging out I realize that rock bottom will include a jail, a hospital or a morgue. Perhaps all 3 before it is said and done. I almost feel like these folks are trying to kill themselves in a slow painful death. Unfortunately this is not my first time at the Aspen Diet Rodeo. I have lived with people with addictions before. I did not see it until it was too late. I will NEVER miss the signs again. I am alert, I am present and I have got to do something.

8 years ago my friend, Jason, died of a heroine overdose. He was a childhood friend who lost his way. We were friends up until a few months before he died. We didn't talk anymore because of the people he hung out with and the needles he insisted on sticking in his arm, chasing that original high. I never tried to stop him or even confronted him about it, I just didn't hang out anymore. The guilt that I felt at watching his parents at his funeral say "if we had only known" and "if someone would have just told us what was going on". They might have been able to save Jason and they might not have. After living through that experience I will never again gamble with the life of a friend. I guess I am off to plan a few interventions. Wish me luck.

Mah edjabacation

2010-02-02T10:17:00.002-06:00

Aright then, my pity party is over from last week. I am ready to start digging again. First, an update on school, my first day (1/23) was basically going over the syllabus for each of my classes. We did have some reading homework and a 2 page essay (double spaced) which was nothing for me. We got out really early the first week so it wasn't really a clear indication of how things would go. This past Saturday was my first full day. I attend class on Saturday from 8-3pm. I got out of my first class about 20 minutes early this week and I already have a 30 minute break worked into my schedule so that made it 50 minutes. I ate a sandwich and read my homework while I waited. I really needed our last break at 1:45 and I was done by 3pm when class got out. I love both of my classes. They are very interactive and interesting to me. I obviously love to write so a few essays here and there is nothing to me. For my Communications class most of the grade is a journal that we keep daily on communication that we witness and showing up and participating in class. Now that I know my work load, I wish I had taken another class. It was my first semester back though so I think it was a wise choice to not over load.

Last week I finally got my snail mail letter informing me that they viewed my transcript from 13 years ago when I took 1 class while going to high school. I took psychology and I was really hoping they would let me use it, as it is required for my major. I took it in both high school and college already. Alas, they are going to give me credit for it. Now that they had signed off I could finally get my financial aid straightened out. I was freaking out because when I filed for my Financial Aid extension I had to give them my bank info incase financial aid did not come through. They were set to take half of my tuition this Friday so that was a major stress. I went up to school after work yesterday. My grant will cover all of my tuition!!!!! AND I will get a few hundred dollars back. PLUS I do have grant funds for the summer semester that will go to waste if not used. I love the idea of summer classes as they are accelerated like my comp classes and therefore will be over much sooner. I am going to take as many classes as I can while it is free. Next semester I will have to reapply and although I don't make much, it is probably too much for another grant. I am grateful for what I can get and I will do loans for the rest. It was such a relief to have this all worked out. It is a confusing process that I am just beginning to understand. I got my parking pass and had my photo taken for my student ID. I feel so official now!

My current job is nowhere near the field I want to be in. I really want to get into the criminal justice arena so I can couple my experience with schooling and get myself a kick-ass job when I graduate (or before). I am not super busy at work so I am able to do homework and study there. Again, I am grateful for what I have but it also feels so stagnant. I am in no hurry but I have been looking into positions in my field. Yesterday there was an ad for an admin assistant at a private investigating firm. I have tons of admin experience and I would love to be learning something new that pertains to my field of study. The income is about the same so it wouldn't hurt me to check it out. Like I said, I am in no hurry and extremely grateful for what I have but I am envisioning myself with the job, man and life that I want. For now I am dancing to the beat of my own drum and I like the way it sounds;-)

Man Candy Monday

2010-02-01T10:44:00.003-06:00

No commentary on Man Candy Monday today. Just enjoy the view.

Sean Faris- Vampire diaries

Lesbian Lick: Rachel McAdams

77 comments later...

2010-01-29T13:09:00.002-06:00

I created a stir this week, a big one. It was on Facebook and really innocent enough. I was super duper hung over Tuesday and instead of my usual uplifting daily quote I updated my status with what was on my mind. (Big no-no for furture)

First I posted this: Lemme make sure I got this right. Just because I am not interested in you I must hate men or be a lesbian? Buddy, if my last chance for sex on earth were you or a woman, I will take the vajayjay. At least with a woman I would have a full head of hair to grab onto and I could avoid the stupid questions like "what's the ...wildest thing you've ever done?” Bang; dead douche walking. And he still almost went in for a kiss!

I was still clearly frustrated from Monday night's debauchery!

Second: Bottomless pit Tuesday over here at Hangover Hollow. 1 bagel and cream cheese, 8 cups of coffee, a 2 piece Church's Chicken lunch with double mashed taters and gravy WITH corn and fried okra (hangover remedy of champions) all before noon. Still hungry. (posted around 11am, not proud, just sayin')

I eat like a horse when I am hung over.

Third (This is the doozy that got panties in a bunch): Is it just me or does anyone else wonder where all of these millions for Haiti are really going?

I got 77 comments and 3 "likes". My issue is that most of these comments were politically driven. My friends come from all different walks of life and have varied opinions. This became a platform to hate on current reform, recent elections and become downright insulting to others' political views. WHERE IS THE FREAKING MONEY? I don't care who you voted for. I am very liberal in most of my views but perhaps this is one where I am more conservative. I don't see why our government, who has enough trouble of their own, sees the need to fork over millions of dollars to a corrupt government. This aid has been pouring in for weeks but we see little results on the ground.

Between the Hope for Haiti telethon, our government (in debt how many trillions?) and the millions of independent donors I think we can all agree the figure raised is upwards of 100 million. Does anyone have any idea the amount of interest earned on 100 million dollars, daily? How about this texting for the Red Cross? They are airing commercials on Clear Channel. Who is paying for that? Last I checked the Red Cross has out-of-hand administrative costs so something like $4 comes off the top of your donation to pay salaries, healthcare and for private jets. Where does the other $6 go? You can give an extra dollar anywhere and everywhere right now in the name of Haiti. Who is making sure that money get to the victims?

Let's be honest, for probably 50 million, you could level the whole country and start over. So where is the damned money? There is this little gem of a website: http://www.charitynavigator.org/ that makes you wonder when it is ok to ask where your money went. If you read long and hard enough it basically says you can't. In a few months you may get a general answer but nothing specific.

I am a giver. I am all about helping others. This whole scene reminds me of Katrina. I know they are not the same but the images of people in our country experiencing the same crisis did not evoke this level of concern. Our government did a terrible job of helping those in need here at home. I am not saying we deserve help more or less than the next person but shouldn't we take care of ourselves so we are better prepared to help others? We are not in a position as a country to help right now. American citizens are struggling each day. I talk to union workers who lose their jobs daily. I know many single moms who aren't sure where there next meal will appear from. I know Haiti deserves help. I know that, unfortunately, as Americans we are taught the best way to help is to send money. There seems to be a lot of money that remains unaccounted for. I am thinking the Haitians would do better with our prayers for a stable government. Or how about prayers that the relief we have already given will be received? How long will America continue to capitalize on this tragedy? I pray for a better way of life for them as they rebuild but I won't be sending my text to save Haiti anytime soon.

Me and Leigh-Leigh~The full story

2010-01-28T09:54:00.005-06:00

Today is the 10 year anniversary of Leigh's death. I want to remember her always and many people ask me about our friendship so I tried my best to detail it here. Our story is a lengthy one so I broke it down into 8 parts. Here are the links to each:

Where it all began- Part 1

The early years- Part 2

Finding home- Part 3

Making friends for life- Part 4

Growing up- Part 5

The best of times- Part 6

LOST- Part 7

Changes deep within- Part 8

I love hearing other people's memories of Leigh and I know her mom does too so feel free to leave a comment of your memories, either on my blog itself or on Facebook, and I will share with the Gramlich's.

Changes deep within- Part 8

2010-01-28T09:27:00.005-06:00

Losing Leigh rocked my world. I didn’t believe in God before she died and I hated him/her after. My old Aunt Louise was on her last leg, blind and sick when Leigh died. She met and loved Leigh like the rest of my family and for months after it hurt her deeply to think that God let her live in such a horrible state and took Leigh’s young life. Eventually it was Aunt Louise that convinced me there was a higher power, maybe not God, as people speak of the man but someone or something that knows better than we do. If Leigh was taken, there was a good reason. I think it helped both me and Aunt Louise to talk through this. She felt like there was a bigger job for Leigh in Heaven than there was on Earth. This is how she explained that old theory that only the good die young.

This theory really made me think. Leigh was way wise beyond her years so it made sense. She didn’t waste time on things. She embraced and enjoyed every second of her life on earth. This realization made me start to take stock of my own life. I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I was too young for where it was headed and it wasn’t what I wanted. I knew this before Leigh died. But losing her made me see that life was too short to waste time on what you don’t want. I could die tomorrow and this wasn’t the legacy that I wanted to leave behind. I thought long and hard about my decision. After 6 months I told Chad we were through and I got my very own apartment for the first time in my life. Instead of praying to God/spirit/Universe at the time, I prayed to Leigh.

During this time, my bond with Leigh’s family and friends solidified. We did fund raiser for Leigh’s house which required a lot of planning and together time. I don’t know how I would have gotten through without that time. I spent lots of time at the Gramlich’s house, my home away from home, and it never got less weird to be there without Leigh. Right up until they sold the house last year, I always felt her there. Sometimes that was what really drew me back.

Paul, me and Robin at one of the fundraisers for the Vivian Leigh Gramlich Cornerstone House
The fundraising committee

There are still times to this day that I can feel Leigh in my car with me. Like she is riding shot gun and just chatting away about something. I can FEEL her there. This might sound creepy to some of you but with the feeling of peace that comes over me, I know it is her. When Aunt Louise died and I had to read her eulogy I prayed to Leigh for support. I didn’t cry, stutter or miss a beat and everyone told me how wonderful I did. I gave all credit to Leigh.

They say the angels are speaking to you if you look at a clock and it is 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44…well, you get the point. This used to happen ALL of the time and still does when I am down or need that connection. It seems to happen a lot around the times I talk to the Gramlich’s, Joanne or Brooke for some reason. So many times I run into Leigh’s girls and know that she is orchestrating from Heaven. Just last week I was out with my friend Gina when Meaghan just appeared out of nowhere. I haven’t seen her in a long time and we just happened to be at the same place, same time. This wouldn’t be strange accept Meaghan is married with kids and rarely goes out. Not to mention she NEVER really goes to the city and that is where we saw each other. I know we could both feel Leigh in that one too.

I would have never thought 10 years ago that I would be able to look back on Leigh’s death with anything but grief. I am still sad. I miss her every day. I think about her, her parents and what they brought to my life so often. I think of her smile and her amazing blue eyes and it makes my mind go all sorts of directions. It is much like in one of the last episodes of Sex and the City when Carrie is leaving for Paris and she says to her girls; “I had a thought today. What if I had never met you?”

If I had never met Leigh I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn’t have had anywhere to live junior year. I wouldn’t have met all of Leigh’s girls who have had such an influence on my life and are still friends of mine to this day. I wouldn’t have had the Gramlich’s words of wisdom at every turn. More than half of my life’s lessons would be gone. I wouldn’t have the faith in a higher power that I have. I might have married Chad or at least still be with him. I would never have learned my worth as an independent woman (or maybe it would have just taken much longer). I wouldn’t have the relationship with my mom that I have today. I wouldn't have the knowing that no matter what happens I can make it through. I woundn't have the ability on my worst days to stop, think and consider that today someone lost their best friend and what is going on with me is way less consequential than that. I wouldn't be able to go through life knowing that I have my very own angel, out there somewhere, has always got my back.

The month before I moved out of mine and Chad's house I visited my sister in Reno. We were driving up the mountain and I had a vision of this tattoo. My brother-in-law at the time new a great artist and so we made it happen. This was one of the best decisions I ever made. I love it when people ask me what it means and who she was. I once ran into a sorority sister of Leigh's in a bar. I had never met her but she saw my tattoo and stopped me to let me know that she had been touched by her as well.

I love you Leigh-Leigh. I miss you everyday. I thank you so much for what you have given to my life and I know that someday we will be together again.

LOST- Part 7

2010-01-28T09:24:00.002-06:00

In the days and weeks following Leigh’s death my life was a haze. I missed a week of work at a job I had had since graduation. My co-workers, friends, family and everyone in my life were absolutely amazing. A guy at work that I didn’t really like painted a picture of a cross in a meadow and left it on my desk with a note about how much he felt for me. I visited Leigh’s grave almost daily. She would frequently send me signs that she was with me; sometimes blowing up my skirt or shirt while at the gravesite (who else would do that?) other times with just a feeling.

The Christmas before Leigh died she and her mom took gifts to the Youth In Need Cornerstone house for girls. Leigh was devastated by the conditions in which they lived. It was bare necessity, nothing pretty, girly or frilly and that just wasn’t acceptable to Leigh. She wanted to go out right then and there to buy new comforters, pillow, towels and décor for each girl. It just wasn’t possible.

After losing Leigh it was NECESSARY for us all to have something to put our energy into. Memorial donations were made to Youth In Need with whom the Gramlich’s had been active with prior to Leigh’s death. Youth In Need decided to dedicate the Cornerstone House to Leigh’s memory and take all of those donations to make it a better place. We had so many volunteers. We painted and fixed up the house and then went to work on Leigh’s original goal. Each girl got a comforter with matching sheets in their freshly painted rooms. There was color, light and warmth and it looked like a home. We got very close to the girls living in the house at the time. Tuesday nights became our night to go over there and make dinner. Whoever could make it went. Usually it was the Gramlich’s and some of their friends, Brooke, Joanne, myself and Tommy, one of Leigh’s old boyfriends. I don’t know who it helped more, the girls that were living there or all of us. It was time together in Leigh’s memory that we all needed to move on.

As time went by, it got hard to visit the house. I lived very close to where all of the girls went to school and the director and I worried that they would find out how close I was and attempt to run away to my house. Even after we stopped Tuesday night dinner, Robin still made sure every girl was adopted for Christmas and got everything on her list. Like I said, we needed this time. Youth In Need gave us healing and we gave them a whole new and improved Vivian Leigh Gramlich Cornerstone House.

The best of times- Part 6

2010-01-28T09:14:00.004-06:00

Leigh and I talked almost weekly while she was away at school. Our lives continued to grow in separate directions but we always maintained the sisterhood we formed in junior high. When she was home on the weekend or for holidays we were together. We continued to celebrate the holidays as a family each year. The Gramlich’s house was just another stop for me after mom and dads.

My 21st birthday was our last party time together. I still have the gift that Leigh gave me, the top that I wore out that night. We got a party bus and went to The Oz nightclub to see strippers. We had a fantastic time! Leigh was a new woman compared to the girl I had known. We hadn’t been OUT together in a long time and college had definitely taught her some things. We danced in the cage that night (my first time) and we must have heard Back that Ass Up 10 times. We made it our song of the evening. To this day when I hear it I can see Leigh and Meaghan backing it up in the parking lot of The Oz before we went in. It is always at the top of my club requests even now.

At my house, getting ready to go out. I love this picture because it shows her goofy side!
Me and Leigh outside of The Oz, partying in the bus

Gettin' our groove on...

I can easily take myself back to this moment and it is one I use often when I am sad.

Our last Thanksgiving together I remember that Leigh, Joanne, Dawn and I went shopping while Leigh was home on break from school. We were an unlikely quartet to say the least but we had a blast! I remember being in the car that day and thinking “I will remember this day for the rest of my life”. We had so much fun! Christmas of 1999 Leigh called to tell me that she had gotten a puppy for Christmas. She told me he was only 1 pound and I remember hanging up the phone and thinking that I must have heard her wrong. I went to meet this puppy, now known as Tanner, and Leigh was a different person. She was a mommy! Her parents had crumbled under her request for the dog. She cried because she wanted him so badly (which she didn’t do) and eventually Daddy Paul caved. Both of her parents were in awe of themselves for letting her have this dog that cost a small fortune. It wasn’t like them to just give Leigh what she wanted but she rarely asked for things either so they felt like it was a sign that they should. Almost 1 month to the day of my meeting Tanner, Leigh was gone. To this day I know Tanner is a saving grace to them and they never once regretted fulfilling that wish.

Our final conversation was the week before Leigh died. My dad and my sister had just started talking after 8 years of no communication. Leigh knew my family well and she was so excited for this reunion. Meaghan and I had recently started hanging out as well. Meaghan was Leigh’s friend from grade school whom I never really got along with before so she was happy to hear that as well. We talked for over an hour. There was no sign that would have told me it would be our last conversation. Leigh always told everyone that she loved them when she left or ended a phone conversation…always. We said our “I love you’s” and we hung up.

If you wish, you can read about the night that Leigh died here. Today is about remembering her life to me.

Growing up- Part 5

2010-01-28T09:08:00.002-06:00

I remember defining moments of our friendship and our lives came when we lost someone we loved. Our freshman year our friend Andy died in a car accident. It is hard at any age to deal with death but we were just kids. We cried together and talked about what it would be like to die or to lose someone even closer to you. The summer before junior year while Leigh and her parents were in Ohio and I was staying with Joanne, our friend Clint died. We were even closer to Clint than we had been to Andy, Leigh especially. Again we discussed life and death, never knowing how close to home it would hit us both.

I moved out of the Gramlich’s towards the end of junior year and into my sister’s house. Leigh would come visit me there sometimes with friends, sometimes without. I remember a party at my sister’s house in April of 1996 where I met my ex fiancé, Chad. Leigh did a quick assessment on him and deemed him quality goods; he was wearing Tommy jeans after all! He drove a hot little red car like Jake Ryan from 16 Candles and she just ate that up. Leigh might be one of the main reasons that I dated Chad and, oddly, the relationship fizzled just after she died.

Chad and I moved in together very quickly and I still remember my conversation with Leigh about it. She was wise beyond her years and she said she felt like I was moving in for lack of a better option. She was right but I didn’t know that at the time. She wasn’t being offensive and I didn’t take it that way. She understood my dilemma even though she could not imagine being in my position, she empathized with me. In the end she supported my decision and visited our little apartment frequently. I went to school and worked full time while Leigh lived out her dream of what high school should be. Again our lives were in completely different places but we managed to stay close.

After graduation Leigh attended the University of Missouri at Columbia. My focus was survival at the time so college did not feel like an option. I lived vicariously through Leigh and her college experiences. I love to hear about her sorority, classes, life on campus and parties. She met some completely amazing friends on her journey there and I felt like I knew them all even before I met them. She was always willing to listen to me complain about unpaid bills, lazy boyfriends and working too hard.

Making friends for life- Part 4

2010-01-28T09:00:00.004-06:00

Living together opened Leigh and I both up to new worlds. She was friends with a lot of the same girls from grade school that also lived in her neighborhood. I had my fair share of grade school pals as well. Then we both met new people in junior high and high school to add to the mix. I will never forget when Leigh met Joanne. Joanne was from Louisville (Lul-vul, if you are a native) and had just moved into the neighborhood. She had this ridiculous accent that Leigh was just drawn to. Joanne had a tough childhood and I know Leigh could sense that. It was another time that she reached out to someone with a completely different background from hers and ended up with a lifelong best friend. Meeting Joanne led to other new friends and before we knew it we were traveling in 6 or 8 different circles of people. Between grade school, junior high and high school, with 2 girls, there were a lot of friends over all of the time. I would hang out with Leigh and her friends and she would hang out with me, Dawn, Bri and Manda (to name a few).

Joanne, Leigh and Me

We definitely had our stupid girly quarrels. We would be very open with each other when we did not like someone but we always tolerated them for the sake of each other. We were like sisters in the sense that we could plot against the parental units. I don’t mean this in a bad way but I remember Jenny Higgins having a party that we knew the Gramlich’s would never allow us to attend so we came up with a huge outlandish story. I don’t remember how or why but Robin did eventually learn the truth (I think we broke the curfew we worked so hard to extend and then Leigh broke under pressure) and I am pretty sure that was the only time we were grounded.

During the time we lived together we also had Drama 4 together. One of my best friends, Dawn, was in the class as well. Our teacher called home on us because we were a distraction to others. He thought it was an issue that we lived together and had a class together. Despite the distractions, we both aced the class and solidified our love of theatre together.

Joanne, Heather, Me and Leigh after our production of Dark of the Moon

Finding home- Part 3

2010-01-28T08:57:00.002-06:00

I had never had a home in the true sense of the word. My parents fought constantly and in front of us. I always felt like it was my fault when they fought over me. They made it very clear that we were inconveniences to their lives. I never once felt that way in the year that I lived with the Gramlich’s. There were so many firsts for me in my experience of living with them. We ate dinner as a family most of the time. Robin didn’t really cook but we went out or ordered in and ate together, as a family, no fighting. We had game night where friends would gather to eat, drink and have tons of fun! We had something they called “family meetings”. If there was an important issue or topic that needed discussing as a family, we sat around the table and talked it out. My family screamed and yelled. I had no idea there was another way until I moved in with them. It was the first time in my life that I felt secure and loved.

I had my own room and Leigh had hers but we slept together in my room most times. We would lie in bed for at least an hour each night solving the world’s problems. I can think back to those times and almost feel myself there next to her. She would throw her fist out and punch down the corner of my pillow so she could see my face. Every night I thought she was going to miss and hit me in the face. She never did.

Somehow with all of the privilege that Leigh had been raised with she understood those who did not have what she had. We were a very unlikely pair, Leigh and I. I never felt like she judged me or anything that I shared with her and I shared everything. I had seen so much of life, not necessarily in the best light, and Leigh still seemed wiser. I remember talking to her about my mom and my disappointment that I had nothing close with my mom to what she had with hers. She knew that and I always thought that was why she shared her own parents so freely. Now I think about it and I don’t really think she ever gave it a second thought. She understood me and my issues with my mom. She didn’t try to explain it away like most people either. She told me that she was the only mom I was going to get. Basically it was up to me to forgive and move on so that I had my mom or I could walk away and have nothing. My relationship with my mom immediately improved because I changed my outlook.

I had my license when I moved in with the Gramlich’s and Leigh didn’t so teaching her to drive became my job. He dad’s company had an old F150 with huge side runners on it that I taught her to drive in. She was an ok driver. Her issue was more not having a clue where she was going. For having lived all of her life in the same town, she apparently never looked up and paid attention while she was being driven around. Leigh could only get you to places that were close to a mall. We had many great adventures out on those drives. She called her mom once because I told her to take me to Wal-Mart, any Wal-Mart, and she couldn’t. She was crying and telling her mom how mean I was. It still makes me laugh to think about it today. There were those times that we had to take her mom’s Jaguar for her driving lesson. It was a V12 and every time Leigh got behind the wheel despite my lack of faith, I prayed. She always did fine.

The early years-Part 2

2010-01-28T08:44:00.003-06:00

Me and Leigh, Freshman year. I think this was Pat Ruzuski's (sp?) going away party?

(That is a mini Meaghan in the background there with Damon Noel's back)

By our freshman year, Leigh and I were attached at the hip. We were kind of like the couple that you can’t think of one without the other. We celebrated every milestone, birthday, holiday and small occasion together. We had our first date together (with the Dave’s). We went to underage clubs, we almost contracted spinal meningitis and we said good bye to her lifelong dog, Rocky. When we weren’t together we spent countless hours on the phone together. I was always a relationship girl. Long-term relationships. Leigh’s interest in boys only went so far at that age. She wasn’t seeking that approval that I was, as she got it at home, so she was not and did not look for love in all of the wrong places like I did. She would date someone for a while, lose interest and move on. I always admired her ability to shrug things off and get past ill will or hurt feelings to be friends with the boys after. (Side note: Many of her pall bearers were old boyfriends. It was funny to see them all together. Even at such a sad time I could see her enjoying it immensely from her seat up above). She was never really serious about boys in our younger years. She knew there was way more out there for her and she didn’t waste time. I learned a lot from her about relationships. It took me a while but I look back now and wonder how she was so wise at such a young age.

During this time Leigh and I had a very close threesome friendship with Mike. He was a friend of Leigh’s from grade school who lived in the neighborhood. We were inseparable. We used to jump the fence to the neighborhood pool to swim at night (or skinny dip). We spent hours talking, laughing and just enjoying each other. Leigh and I even convinced Mikey to dress up with us for twin day. I wish I could find the photos. Mike is over 6 feet tall and weighed over 200 pounds even back then. He put on a tennis skirt, carried a racket and didn’t bat an eye. He used to let us do whatever we wanted to him. He did the best gay man impression I had ever seen before. Mike and I dated briefly in high school but our friendship always won out. I still talk to him off and on. We will always be connected by Leigh and those years we had together.

Mikey and Leigh at Homecoming (she always said she had Elvis lip here)

I left my parents house at 16 and moved in with my uncle for a while. Remember, both of my parents had moved from my school district so I was floating, if you will. After almost a year there, Leigh and her parents asked me to move in with them. They knew my situation at home and I think they just saw a child in need and could not keep watching it happen. Whatever their reason, I moved in with Leigh and her parents sometime between sophomore and junior year. Leigh went on vacation to South Padre with Joanne and I had her parents all to myself for almost 2 weeks. That is where my major bond started with the Gramlich’s.

Where it all began- Part 1

2010-01-27T18:54:00.001-06:00

I went to grade school at Becky-David Elementary with Leigh. We had 4 cycles: A, B, C and D. We went for 9 weeks and then we were off for 3. Leigh and I were on different cycles which pretty much meant we were sworn enemies. These cycles might as well have been countries because we were much divided. There was no fraternization with other cycles in those days. Sometimes someone would step out of their cycle for a boy but that always created havoc. I remember Leigh in grade school from the lunch room and play ground. I didn’t know much about her but I genuinely disliked many of her friends. Leigh was raised in an affluent neighborhood where the families earned well over my lower to middle class parents. There was clearly a divide but she didn’t see it. I remember Leigh was MC of our talent show and her mom came up to school to fluff and accessorize her for her big debut. My mother was not so active in my own childhood and I yearned for a mom who supported and praised. I was impressed with Robin Gramlich from the moment I laid eyes on her. I don’t remember ever speaking to Leigh in grade school. I really don’t remember any direct contact. My only memory is really wishing that I had a mom like hers.

Fast forward to the first day of 7th grade and my 1st hour class is drama. I LOVE drama! Who is sitting next to me but Leigh Gramlich of the cycle B, bitches (yep, that is what we called them). I remember she said; “I love your sense of style. I always noticed your clothes in elementary school”. I was raiding my older sister’s closet everyday and I shared that with her. She had no siblings at home so she ate that up. Our first assignment was to pair up (clearly we chose each other, what kind of story do you think this is?) and make nicknames for our new partner. From that day forward we were known as Laughing Leigh and Talking Toni.

We hung out almost every weekend that first year of our friendship. My parents moved out of the school district the summer before 8th grade and Leigh’s mom offered for me to ride the bus from their house since there was no bus to my house anymore. Leigh and I were inseparable all through our 8th grade year. We found so many similarities in ourselves and also so many differences during that time. I was going through the recent divorce of my parents and she was an amazing support. It was the first time in my life that I had a home to come home to. At my house it was just me and my dad. No one got me off the bus, asked about my day or made me any cookies. I will never forget that first day off of the bus, Robin waiting for us both with open arms. She wanted to know everything! To my amazement she knew all of the players and she could flow with the conversation like I had never seen a mom do before. I asked Leigh later why she shared so much with her mom (I sure didn’t) and she said her mom was one of her best friends and they talked about everything. She wasn’t lying.

Way Back Wednesday- Photo booth

2010-01-27T13:03:00.003-06:00

Leigh, Mikey and Me. I was just talking about Mikey's enourmous tongue recently and here it is!

All smiles here. The 3 of us were tight!
I love this picture of the 2 of us. I wish it were bigger.
Mikey, Me, Leigh's cousin, Eddy and Leigh (well, half of her!)
Joanne, Leigh and Me. God, we were young!

Leigh's mama used to hate it when we did this to each other. It was like our own personal "DUH"!

I can't help but smile when I see all of these! I still can't believe tomorrow is 10 years without her.

Vivian Leigh Gramlich

April 23, 1979-January 28, 2000

I remember...

2010-01-26T09:23:00.004-06:00

After writing yesterday's post I felt like I needed to come back today with something a bit more positive. I wrote this last year on the anniversary of Leigh's death. I think I just wanted to make sure I could remember her. Leigh's mom absolutely loved every bit of it. I hope you do too. Those of you who knew her will appreciate it.

Another year has passed us by again. Time does not heal all wounds. Losing someone you love is something that you never forget. Tomorrow, January 28th, marks 9 years since Leigh died. I have been missing her terribly for 9 long years. Those first few months I tried to concentrate on our memories together. I didn’t want to forget her face, her smile, our good times, the feeling of being with her. I didn’t want to lose that with her. It is hard sometimes to think of those times without letting the sadness of losing her cloud the happy memory. I was talking to Joanne this morning via e-mail. We don’t talk often but these are the times that we need each other and one of us always reaches out to find the other one there. In talking with her, I realized something. I didn’t lose Leigh. I carry her with me everyday. She is with everyone she loved. I feel her closer to me now than I ever did when she was alive. I also gained the lifelong friendships of her friends. I know that no matter where life finds us, Leigh has bounds us together…forever. I took some time today to really let myself remember. Here is just a little bit of what I still carry with me. I encourage you all to add your own thoughts, if you like.

I still remember:

The way your smile could light up a room or my day with just one flash.

Your Fred Flintstone feet and how much you hated squeezing them into stilettos.

The way you would pop your head back to expose the inside of your nose and ask “Grevits?”

How much you loved your parents.

Laying in bed and talking about school, boys and life until the wee hours of morning.

Twin day when we dressed as tennis players and got Mike to wear a tennis skirt too!

Our first date/double date with the Dave’s.

Our mutual love of green M&M's Coming home to the smell of cookies and your mom asking how our day was.

Getting busted for missing curfew and holding “Family Meetings” to discuss our actions.

The hot tub fiasco that scared us both so much we searched the house with butcher knives.

When you were MC at the grade school talent show and I thought you had the coolest mom ever!

Your dad driving us to school at Barnwell, prepping us for the future the whole way.

Family dinners at Applebee’s, Wiliker’s and Vivian’s Vineyard, to name a few.

My 13th birthday when you and your parents took me to Noble Romans.

That first day of 7th grade drama class when I realized you were not the snot I thought you were in grade school.

Hippie day; that picture will live in infamy.

I remember exactly how I felt when this picture was taken. We both loved the way we looked in it at the time and just looking at it takes me back to that moment and day in time.

Our entire routine to Leader of the Pack, right down to your revving of the engine in the background. And that Duke of Earl was the next song on the CD!

Our Language class nicknames: Laughing Leigh and Talking Toni

The first time we smoked together.

Summer nights in Brooke’s convertible, just looking for trouble.

The night you got “lost” in the Vineyards with Aaron Zinc and I came home to the front door hanging wide open and your daddy patrolling the neighborhood.

The way your eyes turned clouded blue with crystals when you cried.

Your unbelievable insight on relationships and love.

The love that you shared with not just me but everyone around you.

Breaking into the Heritage pool after dark and skinny dipping with Mikey Kortkamp.

The “little holidays” that were so BIG with you around: St. Patrick’s, Valentine’s and Mardi Gras. You loved to celebrate anything.

The school plays, NightClub and drama class with Linder. He was the only teacher in our history together with enough balls to call home on us…EVER! “Perhaps it isn’t a good idea if the girls continue to live together AND have classes together”

School football games when you would ask me to tell you when to cheer because you didn’t get the rules of the game.

Countless 3-way calls on your speaker phone in junior high. I am pretty sure we solved some world issues there.

Playing video games with your mom on your favorite rug in your room before bed.

Countless boy situations that I will not give personal shout-outs on but we experienced them, dealt with them and got over them together. Thank you, Friend!

My 21st birthday, in the cage, at the Oz. And oh, the strippers that night!

I am so glad I have these photos. This cage dancing shot is one of my favorites ever! I am a stage and cage dancer to this day because of Leigh!

Our last phone conversation and the message from it that I will carry with me forever.

The night that you died, being with Meaghan and Nichole…knowing you somehow had something to do with that.

How much you loved your girls and in-turn, I loved them. Still do.

The comforts that you sent me in the days after you died, through people, events and overwhelming feelings of love.

The day you suggested that I just move into your house with you and your parents.

The conversation we had about my parents and how no matter what they had done, they are the only parents that I will ever have. And it was up to me to make the most of that.

Figuring out that Lisa was gay in junior high and then the talk you had with her, YEARS later about it. They were all so nervous!

When my dog, Smokey, peed in your shoe.

Benson and Hedge’s Ultra Light 100’s…in a box, Please!

Your 13th birthday at Gramlich Electric when it was at the front of the sub-division. (Didn’t your dad run off some hooligans with a knife?)

Spades, Hand and Foot…many, many game nights.

8th grade: riding the bus from your house and Rocky’s whooping cough that year.

The night you called me and told me that Rocky had to be put down. We cried for hours together.

Welcoming Tucker home!

Tucker eating chocolate and us pumping his stomach. We went back to eating. He threw up and Joanne about died…all the while we ate our macaroni.

When you called to tell me you got Tanner and I thought I heard you wrong when you said he was 1 pound.

Countless Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters and other holidays with you and your family.

How much your mom loved Halloween and made chili every year, if it was the only time she cooked. You loved that tradition.

The clothes we shared, some I still have, and the memories of shopping that I will have forever.

The accessories, oh, the accessories.

The way you shared your parents, grandparents and siblings without question and with all love.

Teaching you to drive in the F150 and then the Jag…quell nightmare? All you had to do was get us to A Wal-Mart; I didn’t even care which one. That ended with you crying and calling your mom to tattle on me.

When your room was in my room, way back in the day.

The way you hit the edge of my pillow so you could see my face before bed. I always thought you were going to sock me in the eye.

Getting ready for school in the morning…2 girls, 1 bathroom.

Your short-lived tennis lessons but oh, the tennis clothes you bought!

The parties we attended, the trouble we got into and the way we always knew we had each others back.

Riding dirt bikes with Dawes and Jay Laurent, we let them jump over us and rode with no helmets. What were we thinking?

Slumber parties with Joanne, Brooke, Meaghan and the gang at your parents’ house.

Realizing after talking to you that your mom was the first person I ever knew that broke the cycle and feeling your overwhelming faith that I could do the same.

Your college apartment and roommates, who were sensational!

The quite dinners with your dad when your mom was away with friends.

Experiencing loss together, talking about it and ultimately losing you. You have no idea the affect that losing you will always have on my life, everyday.

The friendships that were forged because of you, we had a friendship that we could go weeks or months without talking and it was always the same when we spoke. I have that now with your girls because of you. You have tied us together for the rest of our lives.

The ways that you helped me forget the past and look ahead to a better future.

Bingo to benefit Youth In Need, WE WON!

How your mom stressed the importance of always having your girls to fall back on, even when you do have a great man. How right she was! You knew that, even then.

The night of my mom’s bachelorette party when you got so excited over the strippers that you blew out the entire ass of your Z. Cavaricci’s, which I still have, BTW!

Yo, Viv, Babe!

Your smell, no soap, no perfume…just you.

Your faith in me and my abilities.

Your ability to see the good in all people and point it out to others.

The feeling of having you by my side and knowing we would rule the world someday.

Trying to teach you to cook.

Our conquest of older football players that ended up revealing that most of them were douche bags. Oh, the fun in that one though.

The trouble we made, the gossip we stirred and the hearts we broke. No matter where we are or what the circumstances, you were and will always be one of my very best friends. Until we meet again, my friend; I love you, I miss you and I will never forget.

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." Author Unknown

Man Candy Monday

2010-01-25T13:59:00.005-06:00

It has been too long! I thought with MLK Day being last Monday I should probably skip Man Candy out of respect. This week we are back in full force with a real deal lesbian as our lesbian lick this week! But first, Man Candy!

I first met this fellow when he played Eric Brady on Days of our Lives. Meet Jensen Ackles!

He was a guest on Dawson's Creek back in the day too.

Love his smile.

This is just goofy which makes him more sexy to me.

I like that he isn't scared to take of his shirt.

This is the kind of man I am looking for! One who reads with his pants half off!

He is a stage actor as well which is impressive to me.

Young and Restless

So serious!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm....

He likes a serious pose.

This is just hot.

Love a man with a gun!

Looks like he's going to eat somebody up. Pick me, pick me!

Dirty, grrrr.

Sweet sexy

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Ok, now on to our real deal lesbian. She is one of my favorites. Her and her wife actually. My sister is going to love this. Our Lesbian Lick today is Amanda Lee Rogers aka, Portia De Rossi!

I first saw her on Ally McBeal. I will never forget the first time she let her gorgeous blond hair down and wowed the world.

She was born in Australia.

As a child she worked as a print and TV model.

This is why she traded in Amanda Lee Rogers: "When I was 15, I changed my name legally. In retrospect, I think it was largely due to my struggle about being gay. Everything just didn’t fit, and I was trying to find things I could identify myself with, and it started with my name. I picked Portia because I was a Shakespeare fan (Portia is the character in The Merchant of Venice who comes to the rescue of Antonio and Bassanio in their time of need). De Rossi because I was Australian and I thought that an exotic Italian name would somehow suit me more than Amanda Rogers. When you live in Australia, Europe is so far away and so fascinating, so stylish and cultured and sophisticated."

She played a memorable lesbian in Nip Tuck as a guest roll. I mean the woman is just beautiful!

With her awesome wife, Ellen, on their wedding day. Look how happy they are! Do we really want to take this right from people?

She was named number 69 in Stuff's 100 Sexiest Women, 31 in Femme Fatales Sexiest Women of 2003 list, 24 in Maxim's 100 Sexiest Women List in 2004, and in late 2006, the magazine Blender listed her as one of the hottest women of film and TV. I cannot disagree.

She was married to a man from 1996-1999 as part of a plan to get a greencard.

Even her profile is gorgeous!

She is vegan. That must explain the perfect complexion.

She admittedly struggled with anorexia for 4 years while filming Ally McBeal.

Those early modeling years paid off.

Just a wee bebe!

She married her soul mate in 2008 with just 19 guests present. This is one of my favorite pics!

My humble abode

2010-01-25T13:03:00.006-06:00

UPDATE: My secret lair is complete! Last Friday my old roomie and I were finally able to pick up my new (to me) furniture donated by my friends, Joe and Laura. Ferg (my new roomie) is a HUGE sports fan. As we are from the STL the decor is mostly Cardinals memorabilia. I have spared you most of that by cutting off the hung pictures. I am not at all a sports fan. Although I am better with looking at memorabilia than I am actually watching sports. So here is my couch and loveseat all in place. I bought the hope chest that is serving as a coffee table on Craig's List back when I was living with CL. I am thinking about actually having glass cut to fit it and making it a real-deal coffee table, complete with inside storage.
Ferg is also a Bills fan. As you can see it looks like pro sports threw up in my livingroom but it is the price you pay for living with a single man, I guess. Check out the Cardinals bobble heads in the window. That is a bar that you see. We don't use it but it looks nice! The rocking chair is an old family heirloom that I love. The blanket on the floor is Bo's make shift bed for when we chill in the living room. The bookshelf is obviously mine...boys don't read, do they?

I took this one from behind the bar. The door on the right is the laundry room. The doorway on the left goes into the hall that takes you to my bathroom and bedroom. I am so happy with how this has all turned out. Now I have a full house of furniture for when I get my own place! Special shout out again to Joe and Laura who have donated most of my recently aquired goods!

_______________________________________________________________

I am finally settled into my new digs. I wanted to post some pictures as a way to document for myself and to let you all see where I live now.

This is my bedroom entrance. It is reallly dark in my lair so my plants are positioned infront of my door as too catch the sun from the upstairs sliding door that is directly across from them. I love the look of the leaves draped over the doorway too. It helps to not get my plant trampled by dogs and kids!

This is my bed complete with the new Goodwill comforter I bought a few weeks ago.
That is my incense fogging things up. I just got the Christmas lights up this weekend. They add a nice glow to the room.

To the left is my clothing armoire, a built in mirror and my jewelery armoire (with the doily-thingy on it). Oh, and Jasper, my bear table that holds my lava lamp. Plus Bo-Bo's cushy bed!

I stood next to my armoire to take this. I have a TV stand, TV and such at the foot of my bed.

I was sitting on the bed to shoot this. The dresser behind the door fits perfectly. It was in the room when I moved in and I needed the storage so Ferg said I could use it. I love how Marilyn is reflecting on the wall because her background is a mirror. The door to the left is my closet. More incense fog from the incense bottle burner on the dresser.

The armoire wall has a built-in mirror with a bulletin board on both ends. I covered up one side with my armoire but you get the point.

This is my hallway bath (it is long and skinny). Art work courtesy of Laura. Oh and the rug too. Thanks to Laura and Joe!

Shower and storage to the right when you walk in.

Toilet and more storage to the left. I stood in the shower to take this. It's a real small space.

I love the storage next to the toilet. It worked perfectly for my little plastic organizers. Wooden toothbrush holder and cup also courtesy of Joe and Laura!

I didn't photograph the living room as it is not to my liking yet. Joe and Laura are also gifting me their spare set of livingroom furniture from their basement. I need to round up 2 men and a truck to pick that up and then I will introduce the livingroom.

In the meantime, I did take a few shots of Bo yesterday as well. Why the long face here? He is getting so grey and with his ears back like that he looks like a scaredy dog.

I layed on the floor to take this shot. He looks utterly bored with me.

That is our humble abode. So far, so good. I am working at accumulating the things that I don't have for when I get my own place. Slowly but surely it is coming together!